Tattoos: A Novel

by Denise Mathew

  He suddenly dipped me in the middle of the song. More than startled, I snatched handfuls of his shirt to keep my balance. I didn’t really have to worry much since he’d been in complete control all the time. There was no way I was going to fall.

  “The look on your face is priceless,” he said giving me his one dimpled grin. And just like that all the tension that he’d worn like a dark cloak moments before, vanished and he was just plain Jax.

  “Well if you planned on scaring the crap out of me then you succeeded.” I giggled. I threaded my fingers into his hair, pulling his face closer to mine.

  “I have to say this night is nothing short of perfect,” I said. Our lips came together and the kiss deepened until everything in the world fell away. In that moment in Jax’s arms, all the worry that I’d allowed to weigh me down was forgotten. The night was just the beginning of our happily-ever-after.

  24. Marilee

  I wasn’t sure if you could get chapped lips from kissing too much, but by the time prom was over, that whole theory was beginning to hold some water. I knew Jax and I, with our lips never more than an inch apart and our hands on each other every second, must have been nauseating to everyone else at the prom. I didn’t care. I’d waited my whole life to be a princess for a night, and with Jax as my prince every one of my dreams and expectations had been realized.

  By the time we’d reached my house it was 1:00 a.m., relatively early for a prom night. Still, I was exhausted and Jax had a shift at Vinyl the next morning. I was so comfortable snuggled against his chest that I could have just as easily drifted off to sleep.

  “I don’t want to go in,” I murmured, gazing out the window at my house. I wondered if Mom and Harold were still up waiting, or if they’d already gone to bed.

  “I don’t want you to go in either,” Jax said against my hair. I turned to face him.

  “Maybe I could sneak you in and…”

  “You know I can’t,” Jax said, before I’d finished my thought.

  I nodded, knowing he was right. He didn’t have a change of clothes for work not to mention that even though Mom and Harold liked Jax, they didn’t like him enough to condone him spending the night with me

  “Some day I want to wake up in the morning in your arms, some day I want to make love to you,” I said, pushing a lock of his hair away from his face. I knew I should have felt embarrassed at being so brazen about making love to him, but I wasn’t. Jax and I had gone through too much not to be one hundred percent honest with each other. Though I’d known him less than a year, it was difficult to remember a time when he wasn’t in my life, as if everything before I’d met him hadn’t really mattered.

  He stared at me unspeaking, weariness marking his expression. I wanted him to tell me he wanted to make love to me too, instead he tipped my face to his and grinned.

  “You better get in there before Harold comes out and beats me with his iPhone for even thinking about deflowering his daughter.”

  I broke into laughter since it was an ongoing joke between us, that Harold quite literally never let go of his iPhone. It was to the point that we wondered if he even held it in his hand when he went to the bathroom.

  “Now, that might actually be worth seeing,” I said between laughs.

  Still chuckling, Jax opened the door, unfolding his tall frame. As soon as he was out, he bowed as if he were a gentleman in a high court, and reached a hand out for mine.

  “My lady,” he said in a fake British accent that was beyond horrible.

  “My sir,” I said, falling into character.

  I tried to curtsy, but the heel of my shoe caught in the grass and I tripped, falling headfirst into Jax. He caught me easily, then scooped me up into his arms. I felt like I was in the final scene of the classic movie An Officer and a Gentleman. I draped my arms around Jax’s neck exactly as Debra Winger had when Richard Gear had carried her through the factory. I’d watched the movie more times than I wanted since it was one of Mom’s all time favorites.

  I nuzzled Jax’s neck, keeping the scent and feel of him locked in my mind, so I could remember him when I was alone in bed. We arrived at the door so much quicker than I’d wanted. I felt so safe in his arms, as if nothing could ever hurt us as long as we were together. He gently put me down, but didn’t take his hands off my waist, as if he couldn’t bare to let go of me; the feeling was mutual.

  He released a long exhalation, scooping his fingers through his hair nervously.

  His eyes drifted up to the sky. Even the stars seemed perfect points of light against a black velvet backdrop.

  “I’ll never forget this night…or you Marilee. If you live to be one hundred..” he started to say.

  “I want to live to be one hundred minus a day so I never have to spend a day without you,” I finished, amazed that he was quoting a verse that had stuck in my mind from the day Mom had read it to me.

  “You’re a Winnie the Pooh fan?” I asked, shaking my head. I never imagined that Jax would have ever read a book by A.A. Milne, let alone remember a quote from Pooh.

  He nodded. “Yeah, and if you tell anyone I’ll have to kill you,” he said with a wry grin.

  “And there goes the 100 years minus the day…” I said.

  Jax brushed my lips with his, and gave me one more long embrace.

  “Goodbye Marilee,” he whispered.

  He was moving down the walkway and to the limo before I could say anything else. He slipped inside the car and closed the door, waving as the car pulled away. If I hadn’t known better I could have sworn I’d seen tears in his eyes.

  25. Jax

  If I were a girl I knew I would have gone bonkers with excitement. The prom was every girl’s fantasy and more. For me there was nothing that made me as happy as seeing Marilee so relaxed, so normal, so utterly beautiful. She was beyond stunning, ethereal even. I couldn’t take my eyes off her. Her dress fit her perfectly, accentuating all the curves and contours of her form. The creamy skin of her bare shoulders begged to be kissed. It took quite an effort not to do just that. She smelled sweet, like lemon lollipops and her hair was swept up on top of her head leaving the length of her neck exposed and kissable.

  The only thing that spoiled a moment of the night was when I glanced down at the corsage I’d given her, and was reminded of what the flowers meant. I shook my head and grabbed Marilee’s hand, leading her to the dance floor. As we danced, our bodies pressed close, there were a million things I wanted to say to her. I wanted to tell her why we couldn’t be together anymore, and how I would never love anyone like I did her. But I didn’t say any of it because I wanted her to have the prom she wanted. If anyone deserved to live in a dream world for a night it was Marilee. I vowed that no matter what tomorrow brought, tonight would be everything and more for her.

  As we moved to the music, her head tucked beneath my chin as if we’d been made to fit together, I tried to chase all thoughts away and really exist only in the moment. For the most part I managed, a few times my mind drifted and I imagine her with someone else. Just the thought felt like a hot poker to the guts.

  “I love you more than anything in the world Marilee,” I said, hoping that the grief that seemed to make even my bones hurt, didn’t come through my voice.

  “I love you too Jax. You’re the best part of everything in my life.”

  Her words were so poignant and cut so deep to my core, that I had to take a huge breath just to keep it together. And all the things that I didn’t want to think about like how Marilee and I didn’t have a future together, and that the prom was going to be the end for us, came crashing down on me like a tsunami.

  I fought for control of my emotions. Thankfully I managed the impossible. Even so, I couldn’t help but wish that I didn’t have to end it with her. The last thing I ever wanted to do was leave her, but staying meant that she would suffer. I couldn’t let that happen. She’d dealt with so much pain and anguish in the past year that it wouldn’t have been fair to have it start all over again. I
knew given the choice, Marilee would have stayed by my side but I wasn’t about to give her the option. What was wrong couldn’t be fixed by either of us.

  When the dance was over and we were outside her house, I didn’t want to get out of the limo. And when she’d talked about making love to me I’d almost confessed everything to her because I knew what she’d wanted me to say, but I just couldn’t. If I’d told her what I really felt, that I’d dreamed of us together like that more times than I could count, it would have given her hope. Like a robot on autopilot I managed to get her to the door and say goodbye. But as soon as I had, whatever strength had got me through the evening was depleted. All I could do was retreat to the car.

  Saying goodbye to anyone, especially to someone who seemed to have been created for you to love, was impossible to get perfect. I’d hoped I’d come close though.

  “You can go,” I said to the limo driver. The car pulled away from the curb. I wanted to stare straight ahead, not show Marilee that I’d lost every ounce of composure I had, but I couldn’t resist one last look at her. Our eyes met and at first her expression said that she’d just had the most romantic night of her life. As I moved out of her line of vision I noticed her face fall, as if she knew something was wrong. It only made me feel worse.

  “Good bye Marilee,” I choked out.

  I pressed my face to the glass. I was in the house of grief looking out at the world that went on without me. The only problem was, I didn’t know if I’d ever manage to get out again.

  26. Marilee

  Most people didn’t show up for school the day after prom, it wasn’t really expected anyway. I’d had to go because being part of Prom committee, I’d had to help take down the decorations and clean up. I spent most of the morning helping to turn the gym from a winter wonderland to a gym again. I had to admit it was kind of depressing. Since Jax was working all day, I didn’t bother texting him. If I was being truthful I felt a little weirded out by the way he’d seemed to be crying when he’d driven away. But I’d convinced myself that it was just my imagination. I wasn’t going to let anything take me down from the high I was still riding from the night before.

  After school I went home and passed out for a few hours. When I came around again it was already 5:30 p.m. Still on my bed, I reached for my phone and punched in Jax’s number. Instead of connecting I got an out-of-service recording. I tried again, checking that I’d plugged in the correct number. Once again I got the recording. After three more tries I had to concede that it wasn’t working. I tried to come up with a reasonable explanation, and decided that maybe he’d forgotten to top up his minutes or something like that. I often times forgot that Jax lived pay check to pay check, and that money wasn’t always as easily accessible as it was for me.

  Famished, I went down to the kitchen to get something to eat. Mom and Harold were out as usual. I heated up a pizza pocket, poured a glass of milk and sat down at the black, granite topped island in the center of the kitchen. I tried to eat, but the more I thought about Jax the more my stomach roiled. Eventually I gave up and tossed the half-eaten food in the trash. Needing to be reminded of the perfection of the night before, I pulled the corsage from the fridge. I wanted to keep it as fresh as I could because I planned to have it preserved in wax so I would have it forever. I knew it cost a lot of money to have it done. The price was insignificant because it was a memory I wanted to cherish until the day I died.

  I gazed down at the pretty blue flowers. Knowing Jax, there was more to the flowers than met the eye. I was sure that they’d meant something more to him. Just like his tattoos weren’t simply body art, the flowers weren’t just flowers. When I did an Internet search it didn’t take long to identify the tiny blossoms. When I did, it made the hair on the back of my neck stand on end. The disconnected phone meant so much more than it had before. The flowers were Forget-me-nots, the story behind them was about a knight who had fallen into the water while picking the flowers for his lady, and before being swept away he’d shouted “Forget me not”.

  Suddenly I wanted to toss the flowers in the garbage because what if Jax was telling me he was leaving me? In that moment I needed to find him, so he could tell me I was being foolish. We’d just had the best night of our lives, there was absolutely no reason for us to break up.

  Not bothering to change out of my yoga pants and tank top I jumped into my Toyota CRV and sped to the Strip. Only after I was there, did I realize that I’d been to Jax’s apartment just a handful of times. I didn’t even know his address. I drove up and down the streets searching for a sign of familiarity, but all the rusty colored brick buildings looked the same. There was no way that I could know which one was his. I punched Vinyl into my GPS, hoping that whoever was there working could give me Jax’s address, or at the very least tell me when his next shift was.

  Just as I was pulling the car to the curb in front of Vinyl, the neon sign that said open switched to closed and the lights went dim. I threw the car into park, not caring that I was illegally parked. I raced to the front door of the tiny shop that had an old fashioned gramophone and stacks of records in the glassed-in showcase. I banged on the heavy oak door and even pulled on the brass knob a few times as if it would magically open for me. When the door eased open a little, a rush of relief surged through me.

  The guy that peaked out looked as confused as I was frantic. He seemed to be about twenty-five or so with long blonde hair that hit just below his thin shoulders. He appeared almost birdlike with a beak nose and close set glassy eyes.

  “What’s up,” he said in a stoner drawl.

  “Is Jax here?” I said, already knowing he wasn’t.

  As expected the guy shook his head. “Nope, he’s gone,” he said.

  “Do you know when he’s working again?” I asked, breathless even though there was no reason to be.

  The guy scratched his head, appraising me for a second before he answered.

  “Are you that crazy stalker ex-girlfriend Emma?” he asked without blinking an eye. Just the mention of Emma’s name ticked me off, but I shook it away.

  “Not even close,” I said. “Please, I just want to know when he’s working again.” I heard the desperation in my voice; I was sure he did too. He shrugged.

  “Don’t know if I’m supposed to say anything but…” He paused and threw a wayward look over his shoulder. “Well, he up and quit a week ago, today was his last shift.”

  I felt all the saliva in my mouth dry up. All the oxygen seemed to have been removed from the air.

  “Quit?” I said incredulously. “Did he get another job?” I managed to get out.

  The guy shrugged again. “Not that I know about. I heard he had some stuff come up, personal stuff...” He threw his hands in front of his chest. “And no, I don’t know what that is. Anyway I’ve got to go,” he said. “Sorry.” His head popped back inside. The door clicked closed behind him.

  As soon as he was gone I wanted to kick myself for not trying to get Jax’s address from him. But truthfully it seemed I had no chance of getting anything else out of him. I slowly walked back to my car, crestfallen that I’d come up empty. Back behind the wheel, I decided to go to the other place where I might find out something about what exactly his personal problems were.

  I wondered if something was wrong with Gran. I quickly decided that wasn’t the case because even if there was something up with his Gran or even Zeke and Max, Jax quitting his job seemed to be a bit of overkill. Which left one option, there was something going on with Jax.

  I hated that I immediately went to the scars on his arms, the ones that the tattoos mostly covered. I couldn’t help but remember the Band Aids on his arms. Could they have been there to cover fresh track marks?

  The one topic that had always been off limits was the subject of the scars on his arms. Now it seemed to explain everything. He’d talked about a dark time in his life, what could be more dark than being addicted to cocaine or heroin, or whatever he’d been on. I knew that his Gran had
had to sell her house because of debts. Nothing cost more than street drugs.

  My mind swam with unwelcome theories and images of Jax shooting up. I didn’t want to believe it, but nothing else made sense. Maybe he hadn’t quit his job after all and instead had been fired for using. I’d always thought that I couldn’t be with someone who’d abused drugs, but right then I didn’t think I could just give up on Jax, not after everything we’d been through.

  I hit the hands free button and speed dialed Jax’s cell phone again, as if this time I’d get him, but it was the same as before.

  “Damn you Jax,” I said.

  I drove across town and into the richer section of the city. I hadn’t been to the hospital in a couple of months and that had suited me just fine. But since I was desperate for information, I sucked up my negative feelings, parked in the guest lot and made my way up to the third floor. As it always had, as soon as I stepped onto the ward I had mixed feelings. I’d been sick when I’d been there, but I’d also been so happy with Jax.

  I moved toward the nurses station, hoping that I’d find a familiar nurse who could tell me if they knew anything about Jax. I slowed a little when I passed my old room, 312. The curtains were drawn and the door was closed. Obviously by the looks of it, another patient had taken up the gauntlet and was fighting there way through their illness. I said a silent prayer as I walked by, that they’d be just fine like I was.

  An unexpected shiver ran down my spine. I froze in place, knowing from the core of my being that Jax was here. There was nothing to say he was close other than a feeling. I reasoned that it was just hopeful thinking. Life wouldn’t be so easy that he would just happen to be working right then, when I was there. Especially not since he’d already worked at Vinyl. For all I knew he’d quit working at the hospital too.