For All Time

by Angela Benson

  “Yes, it’s good news. She told me a couple of months ago that they were trying. They deserve this.”

  He heard the unspoken “And we don’t.”

  “We’ll have children,” he said

  “Don’t, Josh, not now. Let’s not talk about it now.” As if to soften the words she had spoken, she added, “Let’s talk about your trip. What were you saying?”

  Josh hesitated, then decided to follow her lead. “I talked with Walter’s AVP. They didn’t have any openings out there, but the AVP gave me the name of a manager in Raleigh. It seems they’re looking for someone with my qualifications and experience.”

  “I don’t see why you don’t concentrate your efforts here, Josh. What good will a job in North Carolina do us?”

  “You can’t be serious. All our problems are because of my job situation. Once we get that back in line, everything will be all right.” Josh prayed that he spoke the truth. “Once I get a job, we can start our family. Continue with our lives.”

  “How was Walter?”

  Josh recognized the change in subject for what it was. She didn’t agree with him, but she didn’t want to argue. Things had just gone from bad to worse.

  Gloria rested on her side facing away from Josh. She could feel his eyes on her back, willing her to turn to him for comfort. But she couldn’t. Not yet. Not until she reconciled her feelings. God, what was she feeling? There was the initial envy. Next came the great relief. She was glad she wasn’t pregnant. Glad. How could she tell Josh that? She couldn’t. He’d want to know why and she just couldn’t bring herself to tell him.

  She felt more than heard him turn away from her, giving up on comfort tonight. She knew she had hurt him. Tonight had shown all the signs of being a fresh start for them, but it was not to be. It seemed that every time they were about to turn a corner, something else came up. Would they ever again be able to just enjoy each other?

  Gloria admitted to herself that she feared for her marriage. She and Josh were not handling this problem well. Instead of pulling together to get through it, they were pulling apart. A lot of the fault rested at Josh’s feet, but she shared a part of the blame as well.

  She laughed softly to herself. In most situations identifying the problem meant you had crossed the biggest hurdle. Unfortunately, that didn’t seem to be working for her and Josh. They both knew what the problem was. They even agreed on the solution. It was just the path of getting from the problem to the solution that was causing all the havoc.

  ***

  Josh couldn’t sleep and he knew Gloria wasn’t asleep. He could feel her turmoil. She wanted a baby. If he had a job, they could have a baby. But he couldn’t find a job. At least, not here in Atlanta. And every time he even hinted that he was considering a move, Gloria pushed him in another direction. He wasn’t going to find a job here and Gloria had to realize that. They were going to have to relocate.

  Eight

  Just as Josh was leaving the unemployment office, he saw Elliot walking in his direction. Elliot had called a few times and Josh, embarrassed over the dinner party fiasco, had begged off each of his invitations.

  “Just wanted to thank you again for having us over the other week,” Elliot said when he reached Josh. “Marilyn and I want to return the favor.”

  Josh felt duly chastised. “I’m sorry, Elliot, but Gloria and I have been pretty busy lately.”

  “Don’t sweat it, Josh. What happened the other night didn’t bother me or Marilyn. You have to remember that we’ve been through a lot of the things that you guys are going through.”

  Josh knew Elliot was trying to make him more comfortable, but it wasn’t working. “Let’s say the evening opened my eyes to some things.”

  “Sounds like you’re having an ego problem, my friend. How about a cup of coffee while we do some male bonding?”

  Josh looked at his watch but his decision was already made. “Let’s take separate cars. I have an appointment in about ninety minutes.”

  Once they were seated at the coffee shop, Elliot asked, “What happened when you talked about it?”

  “We didn’t exactly talk about it.”

  “Not good, man.”

  You ’re telling me. “It doesn’t matter now. Things are starting to look up.”

  “You’ve found a job?”

  Josh shook his head. “Not quite, but I have a lead.”

  Elliot slapped Josh on the shoulder. “Congratulations. What’s the deal?”

  “An old college friend hooked me up. I have an interview in two weeks. Comparable in position and pay to my old job.” Josh didn’t see a need to mention that the new job was in North Carolina.

  “Good for you. Seems the bad stretch is over. And I was just thinking of asking you to consider a partnership with me.”

  “Doing what?”

  “Management, general business. Right now I’m working out of my garage, but after the papers are filed with the Commission, things will start rolling. I thought we’d make a good team. We hit it off so well.”

  “Well, you’re right about our hitting it off, but I don’t think I have the stomach for entrepreneurship. At least, not while this job possibility is in front of me.”

  “From where I’m sitting, I think you need just as strong a stomach to work in Corporate America.”

  “You have a point there. Nothing is stable these days. Anyway, tell me more about what’s happening with your business. Maybe I can help out even if I’m not ready to be a partner.”

  ***

  “What are you so afraid of, Gloria? I don’t see how my interviewing for this job will make anything worse.”

  Gloria took the basket of laundry from Josh and began stuffing clothes in the washer. “I can’t believe how selfish you are.”

  “Selfish?” he responded, his voice rising. “You call me selfish. What’s selfish about a man wanting to take care of his family? What’s selfish about a man wanting to get his life back on track? Tell me how that’s selfish.”

  Gloria dropped the basket on the floor and turned to look at him. “What about me, Josh? What about my job? Have you thought about that? I don’t want to move. I’ve just been promoted. I want to stay here.”

  “I hear what you’re saying and you have a point, but we can’t go on like we are. This is tearing us apart. Something has to change. Do you have any better ideas?”

  “You can continue to look for work here.”

  Josh lifted his hands in the air. “What kind of answer is that? Where have you been for the last six months? I’ve looked. There’s nothing here for me. When are you going to face that?”

  Gloria knew he was right, but she was afraid. Her life wasn’t supposed to be like this. Josh wasn’t supposed to be like this. They weren’t supposed to be like this. “So, you expect me to quit my job and move to North Carolina if you get this job?”

  “I expect you to do what’s best for our marriage, for us. I know about your promotion. I even remember the night I found out about it. We both have to compromise in this situation. You’ve got to decide what’s more important—keeping this marriage together or keeping your job. I can’t make that decision for you.”

  “Are you saying that our marriage is not as important to me as it is to you?”

  “I’m not saying that at all, Gloria. It’s just that right now something has to give. You’ll admit that my being out of work is not working for us?” After Gloria’s slow nod, Josh continued, “Well, I have to do something about that. Right now my best opportunity is in North Carolina. If I get the job, we’ll have to figure out how to handle it. But I can’t not try. I have to go. Can you understand that?”

  She knew he was right, but she was right too. Why did it all have to be so complicated? “It makes sense, Josh, but it’s so scary. I just wish things were back like they were.”

  “That wish is not going to come true. You have a lot of thinking to do while I’m gone. I’m open to discuss any id
eas that you may come up with, but we’ve got to do something.”

  ***

  “He’s right,” Portia said from her seat on the floor next to the treadmill Gloria walked on.

  Gloria looked down at her. “You’ve supposed to be my friend.”

  “I am your friend, but the truth is the truth. You and Josh have got to make some changes if you’re going to work this out. Girl, you’re changing in ways that I never would have imagined.”

  Gloria straddled the belt, turned off the treadmill, and sat on the floor next to Portia. “You told me that we would change because of this. I’m proof that you were right.”

  “Don’t put that on me. I don’t know what’s going on with you these days. I could tell my pregnancy threw you, but you haven’t even wanted to talk about it.”

  Gloria looked away, embarrassed. “I didn’t know I was being so obvious.”

  “I’m your friend. Your best friend. You can’t hide something like that from me. I know you. Do you want to talk about it now?”

  Gloria looked around the gym. There weren’t many people out tonight. A couple of guys lifting weights, she and Portia. One of the guys caught her eye and smiled. She looked away. “Hearing about your pregnancy made me realize how much my life had gotten off track. If things had gone according to plan, Josh and I would be pregnant by now. But now I don’t even know if I want to have a baby.”

  “Sure you want to have a baby. What are you talking about?”

  “You’re right, I do, but I don’t know when. I just know now is not the time. Josh has it in his mind that when he gets a job we can pick up with our original plans. I don’t know if those plans still apply for me.”

  “Have you told Josh this?”

  Gloria shook her head. “All we’ve been talking about lately is this trip of his to North Carolina.”

  “Not good.”

  “That’s an understatement. Josh is sleeping in the guest room.”

  “You didn’t tell me that. How long has this been going on?”

  “He moved out the night of our dinner with Elliot and Marilyn. He came back to our bed the night of your party but that only lasted a couple of nights. We haven’t made love since before that dinner.” When Portia didn’t say anything, Gloria said, “What? You’re speechless. This I don’t believe.”

  “I didn’t realize how serious things were between you. Are you two going to be able to work this out?”

  Gloria couldn’t count the number of times she’d asked herself that same question. “I don’t know. I just know I don’t want to move to North Carolina.”

  “Do you love Josh? Do you want your marriage to work?”

  If it was only that easy, Gloria thought. “I love him, but it’s more complicated than that. There’s no guarantee I’ll find a job in North Carolina. What am I supposed to do then?”

  “If you feel that strongly about it, you won’t go. You and Josh will find another option.”

  Gloria laughed. “Like what? Josh will live in North Carolina and I’ll live here? What kind of marriage would that be?”

  “You’re laughing, but it’s not so uncommon these days. With both spouses needing to work, sometimes they end up in commuter marriages.”

  Gloria shook her head. “That doesn’t seem right to me. How can the relationship survive the distance? Marriage is about togetherness.”

  “Of course it couldn’t go on indefinitely, but until you find something there or until something else up turns up for Josh here, you could give it a try.”

  “I don’t know, Portia,” Gloria said, but she didn’t dismiss the idea.

  “You don’t have to decide now, but it’s an option for you to consider. Don’t count it out yet.” Portia got up then. “Time for a shower. Come on.”

  “I’ll be along in a minute,” Gloria said, but she didn’t move. A commuter marriage, she thought. She and Josh in a commuter marriage. Would it work?

  ***

  “We’re preparing for our descent into the Atlanta area,” the pilot’s voice announced on the intercom. “We should arrive at the gate in twenty minutes.”

  Josh relaxed in his first-class seat. The interview had gone well. He was pretty confident he would get an offer soon. He felt better than he had felt in months. This was his shot and he had to make good on it. He liked everything about the job. He already liked his prospective boss, Carla Stevens. It would be the first time he’d worked for a woman but he didn’t think that would be any problem at all. He and Carla had hit it off. She was only a couple of years older than him and she was already Plant Manager. Josh could see himself as her Chief Engineer. He knew that she could see it too.

  Carla was an attractive woman. Not as attractive as Gloria, but attractive. And single. Not that it mattered to him. He was happily married. Happily married. Ha! These days he knew he couldn’t describe his marriage as happy. He and Gloria fought too much.

  Originally, he had thought finding a new job would put an end to the fighting, but it seemed that it had only introduced a new topic to fight about. He didn’t know how Gloria would react when the job offer came. He had talked to Carla about helping Gloria find work. Unfortunately, the company had a policy of not hiring couples, so a job for Gloria with Carolina Microelectronics was out. But they did have a relocation counselor who helped spouses find work. Josh’s talk with the guy had been promising, but tentative. He hoped this was enough to pacify Gloria. If it wasn’t, he didn’t know what else he could do.

  There was no way he could pass on this job. He just couldn’t. He couldn’t give up on his marriage either. But he knew his marriage couldn’t take much more of his being out of work. He wondered if the marriage could handle his taking an out of town job.

  It seemed that everything was stacked against him and Gloria. She was his love, his life. And he wanted to make his marriage work. It seemed it had been ages since they’d made love. He ached for her sometimes, but she pushed him away. Never with words though. She was just never there. When he wanted to reach out to her, he could feel her pull away. That scared him.

  Josh looked out of the window as the plane pulled up to the gate. He knew Gloria would be waiting for him and he wondered what kind of greeting he would get.

  He saw her as soon as he walked through the gate door. She looked happy to see him, though the question in her eyes was obvious. She walked toward him and he opened his arms, almost afraid she wouldn’t walk into them, but she did. They held each other for a long time like that. Gloria broke the embrace, pulled away and looked at him. There was a smile on her face and the question in her eyes was dimmed by tears.

  Josh lifted a finger to wipe the tears. “Happy tears I hope.”

  Gloria nodded.

  He wasn’t sure whether she was answering his question or acknowledging it. Being in a positive mood, he chose to believe the former. He smiled at her, put an arm around her waist, and began the walk down the concourse.

  “How did the interview go?” she asked.

  “I impressed the hell out of them.” He felt her stiffen at his words, but he continued. “We’ll probably get an offer in the next few days.”

  “Josh . . .”

  “I know you have reservations about it and we’ll talk about them when we get home, but let’s celebrate tonight. We need to celebrate.”

  “Okay,” she said hesitantly.

  “I missed you while I was away. Did you miss me?”

  He felt her smile. “I missed you, Josh.”

  He squeezed her to him. “Where do you want to go for dinner?”

  “It doesn’t matter. As long as we’re together.”

  He believed her and he felt relief. They just might make it through this.

  ***

  “It was fun tonight, wasn’t it?” Josh asked.

  “Uh-hum.” Gloria snuggled closer to him on the couch in front of the fireplace. It had been a glorious night. After dinner, Josh had taken her to Undergrou
nd to listen to some jazz.

  “Ready for bed?” Josh asked.

  “Uh-hum, bed would be nice.”

  “Tired?”

  “No.” Gloria wasn’t tired, but she was ready for bed.

  Josh stood and lifted her in his arms. “I can take a hint.”

  “I kinda figured that, lover boy.”

  When Gloria was seated on the bed watching Josh disrobe, she began to feel nervous. It had been so long since they’d made love. She wanted him, but she was scared.

  “What are you thinking about?” Josh was standing beside the bed now.

  “You. Us.”

  “Good thoughts, I hope.”

  “It’s been a long time, Josh. I was just thinking how long it’s been since we’ve made love.”

  He put his hands to her face and looked into her eyes. “But I’ve wanted you every day, every minute.” At the surprise in her eyes, he added, “I love you, Gloria. I’ve never stopped. I’ve been scared a lot lately about what I’ve seen happening to us. I don’t want to lose you.”

  “I don’t want to lose you either. We’re going to make it through this. We’ll compromise and we’ll go on. Is that good enough for you?”

  Josh shook his head. “I need more than that.”

  He saw the light in her eyes fade. “I don’t know that I can commit to more than that.”

  “Do you love me?”

  The light returned. “Of course I love you.”

  “Well, I haven’t heard you say it in a long time. I need to hear it.”

  Her relief was obvious. “I love you, Joshua Martin. I think I’ve loved you forever.”

  He kissed her then. A kiss that said he loved her too. A kiss that said he cherished her. A kiss that said she was important to him. A kiss that said this was a beginning for them. A kiss that was only the beginning of their night of love.

  “I love you in white,” he said, tracing a finger around the lace at the neck of the white bodysuit she wore. “When did you buy this?”

  “Yesterday, in anticipation of your return.”

  Josh fingered the lace from the collar to the waist of the suit. “Too bad you spent all the money for nothing.”