It sounded logical, and she really did want him to stay for her own selfish reasons. If he stayed over, they’d get to be together. Spend time together. Sleep together. She sighed. “I guess we’ll never know how she’ll react unless we try.”
Josh frowned. “I was kind of hoping for a little more enthusiasm on your part than that,” he grumbled.
Looking at the empty foam food containers around them, she stood. Without a word, she began cleaning everything up and throwing it in the trash. On her way back to the living room, she began turning off the lights. By the time she was standing beside Josh, he looked confused. Holding out a hand to him, she gave him a sexy grin.
“I was saving the enthusiasm for behind closed doors.” Coming to his feet, Josh took her hand and smiled as she led the way up the stairs to her room. True to her word, once the door was closed, she spent hours showing her enthusiasm.
****
For four days, Nikki caught a glimpse into what it would be like for them to live together as a family. Although Josh was away that Monday night, the rest of the time he stayed with them. Ellie was thrilled, and if she allowed herself to be honest, she was, too.
She and Ellie normally arrived at home a little before five and had time together before Josh arrived at six. They ate dinners together, played games and read books, and shared in Ellie’s bedtime routine. It was perfect.
It was a little too perfect.
Hating that she had such a pessimistic side, Nikki kept waiting for something to happen; for some bad side to come through from Josh or for him to lose his patience with Ellie, but he never did. He helped her around the house, contributed to the groceries, and all-in-all, was the perfect houseguest.
And the nights?
She had to almost turn a hose on herself when she thought about how the nights were. The man was certainly thorough in everything that he did, and by the time Nikki fell asleep at night, she felt completely sated and cherished. It was like living in a dream world.
On Friday morning, Josh was packing up as she and Ellie were getting ready. “I’ll be in Virginia until Monday,” he was saying. “My schedule is pretty tight so I may not Skype, but I promise to call.”
“If you’re busy, Josh, Ellie will understand,” Nikki said as she put breakfast on the table.
“I don’t want her to have to understand, Nicole. I want her to know that I’m always going to be there for her; even if I’m not right here with her.”
His words were sweet, and Nikki knew he was being sincere. “All I’m saying is that if you really can’t make the call at your usual time, don’t freak out.”
Easy for her to say, Josh thought; he doubted that Nicole ever let their daughter down. Trying to find the balance between work and his personal life was a juggling act that he was having a hard time adapting to. For years he’d had no one to answer to but himself, and now that he had Ellie and Nicole to think about, he didn’t want to disappoint anyone.
“I’m going to do all that I can to make sure that it doesn’t come to that, but you have my cell phone number. If she wants to talk to me and I haven’t called, promise me that you’ll call.”
“Josh…”
“Nicole,” he interrupted. “Promise me.”
She rolled her eyes and laughed. “Fine, fine; I promise.”
They enjoyed a hurried breakfast together, and as they filed out the door and said their goodbyes, Josh felt like he was leaving a little piece of his heart behind.
****
Sunday night was a nightmare. Nikki couldn’t remember the last time her daughter had had such a meltdown, but this one certainly was like nothing she had ever seen.
“I want to see daddy now!” the child wailed as she kicked a pile of toys around the room while screaming at the top of her lungs.
Nikki had no idea what had prompted the meltdown, the rest of the weekend had gone fine. Josh called the last two nights just like he always did, and although he was late with tonight’s call, Ellie’s reaction was just over the top. “Daddy is away right now, El, remember?”
“I want to see daddy!” she chanted as she now started to stomp around the room.
Looking at the clock, Nikki saw that it was a little past Ellie’s bedtime and maybe it wouldn’t be such a bad thing to call Josh and let him at least say good night to her. She knew he was going straight back to Wilmington tomorrow, but he had mentioned being back with them by Thursday for the rehearsal dinner Friday night and finally for David and Denise’s wedding on Saturday.
Hating that she was caving in to her daughter’s demands, she reached for the phone and dialed Josh’s number. By the fourth ring she was beginning to think that he wasn’t going to answer; maybe he was with a potential client or something. She was just about to tell Ellie that they would try again in a few minutes when a voice came on the line.
A female voice.
“Hello? Is someone there?”
Nikki was too stunned to speak. In the background she heard music and laughter and in that instant, she felt sick. She turned her head toward Ellie and knew that no matter what, she wouldn’t let her daughter down. Clearing her throat, she finally forced herself to speak. “Yes, I’m looking for Josh Masterson.”
“Oh, hang on one minute,” the woman said. “He’s a little busy.”
Yeah, I’ll bet, Nikki thought. Less than a minute later, Josh came on the line. “Nicole?”
“Sorry to interrupt,” she said curtly, “but Ellie wanted to talk to you and it was getting late.”
“Crap,” he hissed. “Is it that late already?” He paused. “Sorry about that. How is she?”
Rather than answer, she handed the phone to Ellie and let her talk. What the hell was she thinking? How was it that she got swept up in the fantasy of them having a life together when all that she really knew of him was that he was someone who lied? Her mother had been right; for all she knew, the woman that answered the phone could be just as stupid as she was.
Well, she wasn’t going to be anymore.
With a bright smile on her face, Ellie twirled over to her and handed her the phone before scampering up the steps to her room. Not even wanting to talk to Josh, she couldn’t simply hang up. She must have been taking too long to speak because she heard Josh say her name. “Thank you for talking with her; she calmed down and is getting ready for bed.”
“I’m sorry that I didn’t call earlier; I hate that she got upset.”
“Well, better that she learns now that things won’t always go her way.”
“What is that supposed to mean?” he asked, suddenly realizing her tone of voice.
“Nothing. Never mind. Look, it’s late and I’ve got to get her to bed, and I’ve got papers to grade.”
“Nicole? What’s going on? Are you mad at me?”
Ding, ding, ding! Someone should give the man a prize! “Why? Should I be?” she asked innocently.
“I don’t know,” he said slowly. “It’s just that you seem like you’re upset.”
“You try dealing with a two year old having a meltdown and then we’ll see how you sound.” He made to speak again, but she cut him off. “I really need to go. We’ll talk to you tomorrow night.” She hung up the phone and shut it off just in case he wanted to call back. She knew she’d have to deal with him eventually, but for tonight, she just wanted to be angry.
And hurt.
Walking up the stairs, she got Ellie ready for bed before going to her room and sitting down at her desk to grade the last of her papers and prepare her lessons for the final week of school. She had been looking forward to the upcoming summer vacation; looking forward to taking the time to go to Wilmington and see where Josh lived. Now, all that lay ahead of her was dread. How was she supposed to deal with him at the wedding? Hell, how was she supposed to deal with him, period? They still had yet to talk about a visitation plan, and Nikki had thought…well, she had thought that it wasn’t going to be necessary because they were wordlessly working toward blending their lives
a little more.
Hating that it wasn’t actually going to happen, she did her best to just remember to breathe and focus on all of the good that was in her life. She and Ellie had managed just fine before Josh came into their lives, and Nikki had no doubt that they’d be fine again with a lot less of him there.
If only her heart didn’t ache so much at the thought of it.
Chapter Eight
She had purposely unplugged the computer, and if she’d had her way, Nikki would have unplugged the house phone and turned off her cell phone, too, but wasn’t ready to risk another meltdown from her daughter like the one from the night before.
Right on schedule, the house phone rang and she let Ellie answer it herself. Doing her best to keep busy and not hover and listen to their conversation, she nearly jumped out of her skin when Ellie came up behind her. “Daddy wants you!” she said and handed the phone to Nikki before walking away.
What was she supposed to say? How was she supposed to let him know that she thought he was the lowest form of life and that she wished he’d never come back into their lives? She looked over at where Ellie was playing and knew that wasn’t the complete truth. If nothing else, her daughter deserved a father.
She just wished it was a father who knew how to keep it in his pants.
“Nicole? Are you there?”
“What? Oh, sorry. I was distracted.”
“How are you?” he asked in a way that used to make her smile. “How was school today?”
“The last week is always chaotic. The kids know that summer vacation is right around the corner so their attention span is even shorter.”
He chuckled. “I remember those days well. So listen, I was thinking that maybe after the wedding, you and Ellie could come and spend the week here with me. I think it would be a nice break after all of the wedding stuff, and you can relax after a full school year and all. What do you think?”
She sighed and walked to where she was out of Ellie’s earshot but could still keep an eye on her. “I appreciate the invitation, Josh, but I don’t think it’s a good idea.”
He was stunned. “May I ask why?”
“I’ve been doing some thinking and lines are getting blurred here. Neither of us is looking to really get involved beyond being co-parents, and after Ellie’s temper tantrum last night, well…it just confirmed what I had thought last week. She’s confused. She doesn’t understand why you’re here one day and gone the next. It’s too disruptive the way things have been. I’ve made a calendar up of what I think would be the best way for us to handle visitations. You’ll see her two weekends a month and we’ll divide holidays. I think that’s fair.”
“Fair? Dammit, Nicole, what’s going on? You’re talking like I’m a stranger. I don’t want visitation only with my daughter, I want to share custody of her. I want us all to be together! I thought you understood that!” His voice rose with each word, and he felt like he had been sucker punched. Where had all of this come from?
“I’m sorry if I led you to believe that it was going to go that way. After having a couple of days to think about it, I realized that we don’t really know each other, and it’s crazy to try and force the whole family thing.” She swallowed the lump in her throat. “It’s not what I want.”
Josh was silent for so long that Nikki had to wonder if he was even still there. “I don’t believe that,” he finally said. “We were fine on Friday, Nicole. What changed? Tell me what I did, for crying out loud!”
“Let me ask you something,” she said, her patience at an end, “three years ago when we met, if your cell phone had rung, would it have been okay for me to answer it? I mean, what if it were Erin on the line?”
“What? What are you talking about?”
“Whoever it was that answered your phone last night when I called made me realize that I don’t really know you, and what I do know, I can’t trust.”
“Who…? Oh, no, Nicole. It’s not what you think. I was out to dinner with the head of another construction company. It was him and his wife; Jack and I were talking to the owner of the restaurant because Jack had been the builder and he wanted to introduce us. That’s all.”
“Right. And that woman, Jack’s wife, just thought that it was completely appropriate for her to answer your phone?” God she hated sounding like a jealous idiot.
“I don’t know why she answered the damn phone, but I’m telling you that’s who she was. I don’t understand what the big deal is.”
“The big deal is that I don’t trust you,” she said quickly before she could talk herself out of it. “You lied to me when we met; not only about your name but about the fact that you were engaged to somebody else. For all I know, this is a game that you play. You travel on business and sleep with random women. For all I know, Ellie isn’t even your only child.” Her tone was calm, but her heart was racing.
“What?” he roared. “Why would you even think that? Ever since I saw you again, I have been nothing but honest with you! I know that the way we started out wasn’t ideal, but…I have no excuse for it. It was the only time in my life that I’d ever done anything like that. You have to believe me.”
She wanted to; she really, really wanted to. But she couldn’t. “I’m sorry,” she said sadly. “But I can’t. Every time you go away, travel for business, I’m going to wonder. I don’t want to live like that, and I certainly don’t want my daughter influenced by that.”
“What are you saying?” he asked gruffly.
“I’m saying that I respect your position as Ellie’s father; I won’t stand in the way of the two of you having a relationship, but you and I…” she stopped and took a deep breath, “there is no more you and I. I never should have started anything with you, and I’m sorry that I did.”
“You’re sure about this?”
She nodded because she couldn’t make herself speak. He spoke her name again. “I am.”
He let out a breath. “Email me the calendar, and I’ll get back to you,” was all he said before hanging up the phone.
There. She’d done it. It was the right thing to do, wasn’t it?
****
By Thursday, Nikki felt even more miserable than she thought possible. Josh called faithfully every night, but kept his conversations purely with Ellie. On the night of the first call, she’d taken the phone from Ellie and, as was the ritual, she came on the line to say hello and was greeted with dead air. When the same pattern followed night after night, she just hung up the phone when Ellie was through talking.
There was a part of her that wanted to dwell on the whole thing, but there was so much going on with the last day of school and the rehearsal dinner and the wedding on Saturday. There was so much that she was expected to put a cheery smile on for, that Nikki knew she had to do everything in her being to force that final conversation with Josh from her mind and move on. She’d have to see him soon enough.
Soon enough turned out to be Friday night at the wedding rehearsal. Everyone went through the motions of their roles at church – you stand there, you hold this, blah, blah, blah. And the sight of Josh at the end of the aisle standing next to David sent her heart rate soaring. If anything, he looked even more handsome than she remembered, and she had to remind herself that he wasn’t the man for her.
Ellie was the flower girl, and she walked ahead of Nikki down the long aisle. Josh looked full of fatherly pride as he watched his daughter walk toward him. He never looked at Nikki. Of course, she couldn’t be completely certain of that because she was doing her best to not look at him except through veiled lashes.
Standing up by the altar, the pastor explained how the ceremony would go. Ellie went to sit next to the Masterson’s during the explanation, which left just Nikki, Josh, David and Denise standing there.
“Okay, then you’ll turn and face your guests,” the pastor indicated to the bride and groom with a wave of his arms, “and walk up the aisle followed by your attendants. Will the flower girl be walking with you, Miss Taylor, or her
grandparents?” All eyes turned to Nikki as if she had this all worked out in her head already. Biting her bottom lip, she paused.
“The flower girl with walk with her mother and me,” Josh said instead of waiting for Nikki’s answer. He had not once even looked in her direction. Soon they had Ellie join them and Josh picked her up and hugged her to him before taking Nikki’s arm and placing it through his so that they could follow the bride and groom.
He seemed to take his time walking up the aisle and several times Nikki had to slow her steps. Her knees felt weak and she was having a hard time with his closeness. The dress she had chosen to wear tonight was in no way meant to entice Josh, but when his body would brush against hers, the fabric irritated her skin and made her achingly aware of him. With a groan, she continued to walk.
“Everything all right?” he asked with indifference out of the corner of his mouth.
“Just peachy,” she replied, plastering a fake smile on her face as they walked by his parents.
Josh didn’t speak another word to her until they were seated beside each other at the rehearsal dinner that was held at a quaint little Italian restaurant not far from the church. For a Friday night it was amazingly empty, Nikki thought, and then found out that the Masterson’s had reserved the entire place for dinner. Had there been an enormous bridal party Nikki could have been on board with their way of thinking, but with just the parents, her and Josh and David and Denise, it seemed a bit extravagant.
Josh’s leg brushed against hers under the table, and she thought about shifting her position but didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of knowing that his touch affected her at all. All eyes turned to David as he stood to propose a toast to his bride-to-be.
For all Nikki knew, it was a very romantic speech filled with loving thoughts and promises of eternal love. All that her mind could register, however, was the citrusy cologne wafting her way from the man beside her. Shaking her head and focusing her attention back on David, she almost didn’t realize that Josh’s hand had come to rest on the back of her chair. If she leaned back ever-so-slightly, she could make ‘accidental’ contact. Closing her eyes and taking a deep breath, she willed herself to stay in control.
Baby, I'm Yours (Life, Love and Babies) Page 11