Brush Strokes

by Janelle Stalder

  Off went the shirt.

  Whelp. It looked like I didn’t have a choice.

  “OH!” Mrs. Hart exclaimed in fascination. “Look at all that art.” She walked around Colt examining his tattoos, strictly in appreciation for the level of skill she was seeing. If I had been that close, I would probably have licked him. I’m just being honest. My eyes got stuck on the bare skin in front of me. His stomach was something out of my fantasies. I couldn’t help but think back to what it had been like to be plastered against all that skin. My cheeks were burning when I lifted my eyes up to see Colt watching me closely.

  Fourteen

  Painting is a source of endless pleasure, but also of great anguish – Balthus

  Colt

  She couldn’t stop looking at me. Sure, I was standing on a small stage while they painted me, but the way Olivia was looking at me was different. I tried my best not to just watch her. I really did. But being in the same room as Olivia made it impossible. Looking at her gave me a sense of ease that I didn’t get anywhere else. If only I could figure out a way for her to forgive me for being an idiot.

  Her eyes glanced away from what she was painting to stare at me again. They focused on my chest, unwavering as her hand stilled against the canvas. My blood was pounding in my ears as I watched her take in every inch of my skin. When her tongue slipped out and licked her bottom lip I had to actually bite the sides of my cheek not to groan out loud.

  I hated every single other person in the room right then. If no one else was around, I would be off the platform and pulling her against me in a second. Of course, there was no way I could do that, so I simply had to stand there and torture myself. Her gaze finally lifted to meet mine. A blush stole across her cheeks as our eyes locked. I wanted her so badly. So. Damn. Badly.

  When she looked away I started thinking of the most disgusting, non-sexual things I could, otherwise this class was about to get quite the show. Maggots, dead people, Rannon naked…I shuddered. Yup, that did it. When Mrs. Hart called out that it was time to stop, I sighed in relief. Rolling my head side to side, I stepped off the platform, stretching my stiff muscles.

  Feeling eyes on me, I glanced up to see Olivia watching me until she quickly looked away again. I took a step toward her when Mrs. Hart appeared in front of me.

  “Thank you so much for coming today, Colt,” she said with a smile.

  “Sure thing, Mrs. Hart,” I replied. Grabbing my shirt, I yanked it back on as I watched Olivia out of the corner of my eye while she cleaned up her paints. Everything that girl did seemed to fascinate me.

  “Will you be coming back tomorrow then?”

  I turned to look directly at her. “Of course. I promised Ms. Kelly I’d be available for however long you need me.”

  “That’s great,” she said, reaching out to give my arm a squeeze. “I’ll see you tomorrow then.”

  Nodding, I watched her walk away before turning to see Olivia again. She was gone. Looking around, I didn’t see her anywhere in the room. Walking to her canvas, I stared at the piece of fabric covering it, itching to lift it and see what she’d done while I’d stood up there, but I didn’t. I wanted to wait and see what it looked like when she was done.

  Waving a quick goodbye to Mrs. Hart and a couple of the other students I knew, I hurried down the hallway toward where I knew she still shared a locker with Ella. Rounding the corner, I saw her rummaging through the locker, her backpack set on the floor beside her. I walked up and leaned against the locker beside hers.

  “What do you want?” she said in a way that had me smiling instantly. God I loved when she was feisty. I just hated that she felt she needed to be that way because of me.

  “How did your painting turn out today?” I asked innocently.

  She shrugged. “Considering the object, it’s not that bad.”

  I laughed. “I see. I’m sorry it wasn’t up to your standards.”

  She grunted.

  “How are you getting home?”

  “Me, jackass,” came a new voice. I turned to see Ella walking up, her hips swaying in a sassy, pissed off way. Ella was a tiny girl, but she certainly didn’t act like that. You would have sworn she could take on the entire football team the way she acted.

  Just behind her was Rannon, his eyes glued to her backside. He glanced up, a mischievous grin stretching across his face as he winked at me.

  “Tell your sidekick to stop staring at my ass,” Ella continued, “otherwise I’m going to kick his.”

  Both of my eyebrows shot up as I looked back at Rannon. He gripped his chest over his heart, a full blown smile on his face. “I think I’m in love,” he said.

  “Please,” Ella said with a scoff. She stopped just behind Olivia, her foot tapping anxiously. “You ready to go, Olive?”

  “Yup,” replied Olivia, slamming her locker shut.

  Rannon came to stand beside me as we watched the girls walk away without a backwards glance. Neither of us said a thing until they turned a corner and disappeared from sight.

  “We totally screwed up,” Rannon said.

  “Gee, thanks Captain Obvious,” I said.

  Rannon chuckled. “I am the Captain now,” he said in a fake accent.

  I turned to look at him, shaking my head.

  “What?” he said, laughing. “Come on, that was a good one.”

  “You’re a loser.”

  We headed toward the exit. “Seriously though, dude. We need to figure out a way to fix this shit.”

  “Since when are you all gung-ho to make up with Ella?” I asked.

  “Since she just threatened to kick my ass,” he said simply. “And when she told Jillian Hanson that I had herpes when I was talking to her outside of their class this morning.”

  “She did what?” I asked as we walked out to the parking lot.

  Rannon nodded, his expression elated, as if she’d just said something really good about him. “Yup. She walked by us and said it without even looking at me. She’s a keeper, man. You need to smooth things over with Olivia so Ella will stop hating me too. I blame this epic cock-blocking on you.”

  “Whatever,” I said, opening the passenger side of his truck. “You cock- block yourself with your stupidity.”

  “Not this time, compadre. This time, it’s all on you.”

  “Yeah, well, I’m working on it,” I said, sinking down into my seat. At least, I was trying to work on it. Olivia sure was making it hard for me. My mom always said the good things in life never came easy. It looked like I had a lot of work ahead of me.

  “Your father called again.”

  I sighed, tearing my eyes away from the television to look at my mom. She stood on the other side of the couch, her arms folded defensively across her chest. “So?” Since the last time he’d been in town and had wanted to come by, he’d been calling on a weekly basis. I didn’t understand it, nor did I care to. I had no interest in seeing him then or now.

  “He’s coming back into town in a couple of weeks and was hoping we could all go out to dinner,” she said.

  I was instantly on my feet, staring at her in open-mouthed disgust. “Are you fucking joking?”

  “Watch your language!”

  “Like hell I will! Mom, this guy –”

  “Your father.”

  “This guy, left you to raise a kid on your own, and pay all the damn bills around here without a second thought, and suddenly he has the urge to play house with us again so we’re just supposed to go along with it? No, Mom. Absolutely not. I want nothing to do with him and neither should you. What the hell are you thinking?”

  She sighed heavily. “Colt, it’s not like that. I haven’t just forgiven him for everything. But that doesn’t change the fact that he’s your father, and I think you should give him a chance to say whatever he feels the need to say to you.”

  “He can take whatever is on his mind, and shove it up his a–”

  “Colt!” she scolded.

  I tore around the couch and grabbed my
wallet off the island. My shift at the garage wasn’t until six, so I had an hour to kill. Unless I just went and started work early. I was sure Jerry wouldn’t mind. I just needed to get out of this house. The last thing I wanted to do was fight with my mom, especially not over him. He’d done enough to our family, and I wasn’t going to let him do any more.

  “Where are you going?” my mom asked.

  “Out,” I replied.

  “You don’t start work until six.”

  Why do moms have to know everything? Ugh. I looked back at her as I stopped at the door to the garage. “Mom, I know you want me to have some sort of closure or resolution between Dad and me,” I said, knowing full well that was what was happening here. No matter how bitter she was deep down from what my father had done to her, there was still that maternal side of her that wanted to see me make amends with my paternal figure. The sad truth was it just wasn’t going to happen. I hated to disappoint her, even though I’d been doing it for years now, but there was just no changing this. It was fact. I had no interest in resolving anything with my father and doubted I ever would.

  “It’s not going to happen,” I stated. She flinched slightly as though I had hit her and I felt like the biggest ass ever. “Sorry.” Walking out, I tried to pretend I hadn’t just seen the tears shimmering in her eyes right as I turned. It was beyond time my mom came to terms with reality. There would be no reconciliation. My father had up and left my life without a word, and stayed away for years. He had bought me a car at an age where it was useless, as if that would make up for what he’d planned to do the next day, and had been gone by morning.

  I looked at the car in question and fought the urge to kick it until the beautiful exterior was dented and ruined. I wouldn’t, because I loved it too much, but that didn’t mean I still didn’t want to.

  “You two having a moment?”

  My head snapped up to see Olivia watching me from the other side of the fence. One side of her mouth was lifted in an amused grin. It was the first time in my life that my stomach actually got a funny, fluttering type feeling simply from looking at another person. She was actually talking to me. Well, she was making fun of me, but at this point I’d take anything.

  I walked over and leaned next to her. “I thought you hated me,” I said.

  “I do,” she said so plainly I couldn’t help but smile.

  I crossed my arms over my chest. “Is that so? And why do you hate me?”

  Her smile died and I instantly regretted it. She gave me a look like I was a complete moron and I felt like it. Of course I knew why she hated me now. Why had I even asked that? Maybe because you just wanted to get it out in the open? I reasoned. Without saying another word, Olivia turned and headed toward the front door to her house.

  “Olivia, wait!” She didn’t. Hopping over the fence between our yards, I ran to where she was, reaching her just as she was closing the door behind her. My hand slapped out against it, stopping her from closing me out. “I’m sorry,” I said, breathless now.

  “For what?”

  For a million things, I thought. Taking a deep breath, I looked at her. “For being an idiot, for starters,” I said.

  Her lips twitched, but the hard expression on her face didn’t waver. She waited, both brows raised.

  “I shouldn’t have asked that. I know exactly why you feel the way you do about me, and I’m sorry for that. I’m sorry I was such an ass all summer; I’m sorry I ruined anything between us; I’m sorry you now feel like I can’t be trusted or relied on; I’m sorry for everything.”

  Olivia shuffled from foot to foot, biting her lower lip. “That’s a good start,” she said softly.

  I couldn’t stop the relieved laugh that bubbled out. “Olivia,” I said, becoming serious again. I might not want to smooth things over with my dad, but the girl standing in front of me was completely different. If there was anyone in this world I didn’t want mad or disappointed in me, it was Olivia. Why? I wasn’t sure, but that didn’t change the way I felt. “My life can be pretty messed up sometimes,” I continued. “A lot of the times – well, most of the time – it’s my fault. I don’t know why I make things harder for myself, but I do. When we finally talked this summer and hung out, I hadn’t been that happy in a long time. I’ve wanted to speak to you for years, but never worked up the nerve to do so.”

  She looked unconvinced and I hated that. “I’m serious,” I said, praying she could see the sincerity in my eyes. “I’ve watched you since the day I moved in, in a totally non-creepy way.”

  She laughed, rolling her eyes. “I doubt that.”

  Taking a step forward, I closed the small distance between us, almost touching her body with mine. Reaching up, I cupped her cheek, savouring how soft her skin was. Just as soft as I remembered. I heard her suck in a breath.

  “Don’t doubt me,” I said, my voice lowering and growing hoarse. “I think you’re beautiful, always have. This summer was crazy for me, not that any of that excuses how I just stopped talking to you. I had made up in my mind that you were better off not being around me; that I was no good for you.”

  She pulled her face away from me. My hand dropped, itching to reclaim the privilege of touching her. “Why would you say that?” she asked. Her brows pinched together looking genuinely pissed off about it. A small sliver of hope made its way into my heart. Maybe she didn’t think the same way, I thought optimistically. If that was the case, I actually had a chance to fixing this.

  “Well for one thing it’s true,” I said. “You’re smart, talented, beautiful, kind, funny, and I’m someone who is only good at screwing things up. That’s what I do, Olivia, I screw things up. You deserve better than that. I want to spend time with you, to get to know you, but that doesn’t mean you should want to get to know me. You probably won’t like what you learn.”

  She was shaking her head, lips pursed. “That’s a bunch of bullshit,” she spat. Her anger actually had me taking a step back. “So let me get this straight,” she went on, “you decided that, apparently, I deserve better than you, so you just stopped talking to me and acted like I no longer existed? Because that was so much better than actually hanging out and getting to know me? As if just dropping me and making me think I had done something wrong, or I was just not interesting enough for you, is any better than whatever you decided would happen if we continued to talk?”

  Now I really felt like an ass. “Olivia,” I said pleadingly, silenced immediately as she sliced the air with her hand.

  “No,” she said, “that is the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. It took us years, Colt, years to finally talk to each other like normal people, and you went and ruined it for nothing? All for some made up reason about you not being good enough?”

  I started to get angry at how easily she was shrugging off my reasoning, because I knew I was right. “I’m not good enough for you, Olivia. That’s a fact. You can get pissed all you want, but that doesn’t change the truth. You’re…you’re good. I’m far from it.”

  We were facing off against each other now, both of us rigid with anger, standing closely just inside her front hall.

  “You don’t even know me!” she yelled. “How the hell can you make that decision when you know nothing about me? If you knew anything about me, you’d have known that being nice one minute then completely indifferent the next is something that would seriously affect me. I have enough confidence problems, I don’t need your head games making it worse!”

  Oh my God. I was by far the lowest scum on the face of the earth. All my anger drained out of me, replaced by disbelief at what she had just said, and guilt so heavy I felt physically sick.

  “You know what?” she continued before I could speak. She let out a small, humourless laugh, shaking her head. “Maybe you’re right,” she said. “Maybe you’re not good enough for me. Because anyone who was good enough wouldn’t make me feel the way you did. I came back here intent on getting through my senior year and leaving again, and that’s exactly what I’m g
oing to do. I don’t need any distractions, and that includes you.”

  She took a step back as I struggled to find words. Here I’d thought I was making things better and I’d only ended up making them worse. “Thank you for explaining things to me. I appreciate your concern.” She grabbed the door, holding it open wider. “Have a great night.”

  “Olivia,” I finally managed.

  “Good night, Colt,” she said. We stared at each other. “Please leave.”

  I really didn’t want to leave. I wanted to fix this but I couldn’t see how at this point. Everything was slipping through my fingers. Stepping forward, I cupped her cheek again. The wariness in her eyes broke my heart, but she didn’t pull away from my touch.

  “I’m sorry, Olivia,” I said. “I never wanted you to be hurt or feel bad about yourself. You have no reason, no reason, to be self-conscious. Especially not because of someone like me. I’m…I’m just really sorry.”

  Tears shimmered in her eyes, as if I didn’t feel like shit already. My head leaned forward before I could think twice about what I was doing. It was as though my mind and body were disconnected. My lips brushed against hers lightly. Hers were so soft and plump, I couldn’t help but go in for another soft touch. I kissed each corner, her bottom lip, her top lip, I tenderly focused on every inch of her mouth, unable to pull away. I wanted to savour her, knowing this was probably the only time she’d let me do something like this. It was a goodbye kiss. I was going to make it the best goodbye in the history of goodbyes.

  Olivia let out a sigh, her lips parting slightly. I had to taste her. Slipping my tongue carefully between her lips, I explored her mouth tentatively until her tongue finally started to move with mine. Someone groaned and I was pretty sure it was me, which didn’t usually happen. My entire body was charged like I was high on something.