The Literati
Page 8
It is not I who falls in love with a princess, but the poet I’m writing about.
For me, there is only one love, and that is the adorable Juliet.
JULIET:
Oh, God give me strength!
TRISTAN:
If this offends you, then have no doubt
That my offence towards you won’t come to an end just yet.
In fact, this fervour, which hitherto your eyes have chosen to ignore,
Consecrates to you a flame of eternal duration
Which no power on earth can extinguish, because it burns from the core,
And given that you, my beauty, reject my adoration,
Why should I refuse a mother’s help to consummate my throbbing flame?
Providing I can obtain the prize that I so dearly covet,
And thus end up having you, it matters not how I play the game.
JULIET:
Ah, but you overlook a risk; I wonder if you’ve thought of it?
It’s what happens when you violate a woman’s sense of honour
By forcing her into submission, despite her lack of contentment.
One day, while imprisoned in the life that’s imposed upon her,
She’s having a sad-on, on the sofa, her mind oozing resentment,
And resentment turns to revenge; be very afraid; it’s a toxic brew.
TRISTAN:
There’s nothing in what you’ve said that prompts me to change my mind.
Whatever is needed to meet a challenge, a philosopher is ready to do.
Reason has purged me of arguments that are weak, vulgar or unrefined.
It puts me above the kind of concerns that you just alluded to;
I am careful to avoid even the faintest shadow of tedium,
And things outside my control are simply not my responsibility.
JULIET:
I am truly delighted, Monsieur, that we have struck such a happy medium,
I had no idea that philosophy could provide such peace and tranquillity
In a situation which otherwise could prove an utter disaster.
Such singular strength of mind must be given its due prominence;
You need a wife who’s a scholar, who can recognise you as master,
A wife with a fine mind to match your philosophical dominance,
And since, to tell the truth, I would not dare consider myself worthy,
I’ll leave it to someone else to raise a fanfare to your glorious life
While I retreat modestly into one that’s far more earthy;
So, entre nous, I renounce the joy of ever becoming your wife.
TRISTAN:
You’re going to find out very soon that this matter has been resolved,
As the Attorney was sent for and is probably already here.
SCENE TWO
CHRISTOPHER, CLINTON, JULIET.
CHRISTOPHER:
Ah, Juliet! Good to see you! Let me tell you what’s involved;
Come over here and prepare yourself for a ceremony, my dear,
In which you’ll submit to your father’s wishes and marry this man,
And at the same time teach your mother a lesson, one that she’ll never forget.
JULIET:
Your resolution is praiseworthy; keep it up and go through with your plan;
Be firm in what you wish, and let there be no regret.
And don’t let your good nature be hit for six, when mother comes in to bat.
CHRISTOPHER:
What, you think I’m a drongo?
JULIET:
May God preserve me, no!
CHRISTOPHER:
I might look like a silly galah!
JULIET:
Father, I never said that.
CHRISTOPHER:
You think I’m irrational and incompetent?
JULIET:
I’ve never remotely thought so.
CHRISTOPHER:
At my age, don’t I have the right to be master of my domain?
JULIET:
Of course.
CHRISTOPHER:
I’m not some wombat your mother leads round by the nose.
There’s plenty of lead in my pencil!
JULIET:
And long may it remain!
CHRISTOPHER:
Too right. So what are you on about?
JULIET:
Let’s not come to blows.
CHRISTOPHER:
Well, I must say this is a bit rich talking to your father that way.
JULIET:
If I have in any way offended you, that was not my intention.
CHRISTOPHER:
In this house I think it fair that people honour what I say.
JULIET:
Very good, father.
CHRISTOPHER:
Apart from me, no-one should receive this attention.
JULIET:
Yes, point taken.
CHRISTOPHER:
Then don’t forget who’s chief inside these four walls.
JULIET:
How could I?
CHRISTOPHER:
And I’m the one who decides what’s right for my daughter.
If God wanted Adam to be under the thumb, he would have given Eve balls.
JULIET:
Who could disagree with that?
CHRISTOPHER:
And that’s why Eve was made shorter,
So when it comes to a daughter’s marriage, I draw up to my full height
And I command you to marry this man, regardless of your mother’s wish.
JULIET:
Okay, then, anything you say; it is, after all, your right.
I give in, and will obey you; and thank you—he is quite a dish.
CHRISTOPHER:
That settles that, then. Now let’s see if my wife dares to rebel.
CLINTON:
Well, here she comes with the Attorney, so we’ll find out soon enough.
CHRISTOPHER:
I need you to back me up. She can be scary.
JULIET:
Very well.
Leave it to me, I’ll egg you on, especially if the going gets tough.
SCENE THREE
PHILOMENA, AMANDA, TRISTAN, ATTORNEY, CHRISTOPHER, CLINTON, JULIET.
PHILOMENA:
Can you not change this awful legalese to a poetic contract?
ATTORNEY:
The wording is standard, Madam, and in every particular, exact.
I would look rather silly if I were to rewrite it all in verse.
PHILOMENA:
Well, it all seems so barbaric, and the syntax is plainly perverse.
Can’t we convert the currency from francs into pure gold?
And ‘dowry’ is such a squalid word; won’t you be a little bold
And express it in terms of talents, Roman annuities or daily bread?
And where it says ‘the fifteenth day’, I’d like ‘The Ides of March’ instead.
ATTORNEY:
Your unusual requests, Madam, place me in a difficult spot.
If I did all that, my colleagues would say I had lost the plot.
PHILOMENA:
It seems there’s no escape then, from this rampant barbarity.
All elegance must be sacrificed in the interests of legal clarity.
ATTORNEY:
By the by, Madam, I have a letter here from Argante and Damon.
PHILOMENA:
Who are they?
ATTORNEY:
They’re your lawyers.
PHILOMENA:
It’ll make no sense to a layman,
CHRISTOPHER takes it.
It’ll be some tiresome money matter; we’ve more important things at hand.
We need to give all our attention to this affair.
ATTORNEY:
I understand.
PHILOMENA:
Go to the table, Madam, and fill in the marriage contract.
ATTORNEY:
Very well, yes, the
contract. Who then, is the bride, in fact?
PHILOMENA:
The bride is my daughter.
ATTORNEY:
Good.
CHRISTOPHER:
Her name is Juliet.
ATTORNEY:
Excellent. And her husband-to-be?
PHILOMENA:
The finest man I’ve met,
Monsieur Tosser here is the husband I am giving to her.
CHRISTOPHER:
And Monsieur Clinton here is the husband I wish to confer.
ATTORNEY:
Two husbands!? There’s an ancient precedent dating back to the Normans
But it’s long been outlawed as bigamy, even among the Mormons.
PHILOMENA:
What is stopping you, Madam? Write Tristan Tosser there!
CHRISTOPHER:
You’ll do nothing of the kind! Put Clinton as husband and heir.
ATTORNEY:
I’ll put nothing until both of you make a mature judgment and agree
On precisely which of these two gentlemen you want the groom to be.
PHILOMENA:
Follow my directions, Madam; the choice of husband is mine!
CHRISTOPHER:
Do precisely as I tell you, Madam, write my choice on the dotted line.
ATTORNEY:
I cannot complete the contract until I know whose decision holds sway.
So I wonder if you’d mind telling me which of you I should obey?
PHILOMENA:
Who do you think? Don’t cross me! Do I look like second fiddle, honey?
CHRISTOPHER:
I will not allow someone to pursue my daughter only out of love for money.
ATTORNEY:
Do you mind if I wait in the next room, while you sort out this affair?
And when you’ve reached an agreement, I’ll be ready for you in there.
She goes out.
PHILOMENA:
Do you really imagine that Tristan here cares one jot about our wealth?
A wise man has more worthy concerns than marrying a girl by stealth.
CHRISTOPHER:
Anyway, Sweetie-Pie, I’ve made the decision on my son-in-law.
PHILOMENA:
Shut up, Chris! You’ve said quite enough! I won’t stomach this anymore!
My final choice is Tristan! And that settles it once and for all.
CHRISTOPHER:
Don’t take that tone with me! The choice of husband is not your call.
I am putting my foot down; so, dear heart, you’re out of luck.
PHILOMENA:
And just who do think you are, some Lord High Monkey Muck?
CHRISTOPHER:
I’m Juliet’s father!
PHILOMENA:
Ha! Some father!
CHRISTOPHER:
What’s that supposed to mean?
PHILOMENA:
Deciding to faint while she was being born is the most resolute you’ve been.
CHRISTOPHER:
That’s unfair! I’d been up all night!
PHILOMENA:
Yes, and I’d been through two days of labour!
You had to be scraped up off the floor and carried home by a neighbour.
CHRISTOPHER:
Why do you think you have the right to assume full control of this place?
PHILOMENA:
The answer to that, buster, is staring you in what’s left of your face.
SCENE FOUR
MARTINA, PHILOMENA, AMANDA, TRISTAN, CHRISTOPHER, CLINTON, JULIET.
MARTINA:
I’m back!
PHILOMENA:
Oh my God! What’s that verbal slut doing here?
CHRISTOPHER:
She was an excellent employee, till you chose to interfere.
I decided to re-engage her, despite your gnashing teeth.
You might be top of the pile, but there are good people underneath.
MARTINA:
Yeah, bloody right. And I hear you two have chucked one almighty wobbly,
Which must be all about finding a husband for Juliet, prob’ly.
CHRISTOPHER:
Exactly.
MARTINA:
Well, bugger me dead, Clinton is drop-dead gorgeous,
Why would ya refuse him? Ya know he’s always adored youse.
I mean, like, anyway you look at him, even if it’s just side-on,
Or if you only saw him upside down, he’d still give you a wide-on.
So why dump her with Tristan? He’s a gold-digger and a sly cat;
I mean, take one look at the bastard; Imagine waking up next to that!
He’d be pulling his pud in Latin, and she’d block her ears with cotton wool,
And when he gets onto Greek princesses, he’d bore the arse off a Mallee bull.
CHRISTOPHER:
Well said.
PHILOMENA:
Must one suffer this jabbering monkey till she runs out of puff?
MARTINA:
I mean, these preaching pedants! Well, I for one have had enough.
I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times, I want no scholar for my spouse;
A clever brain is not at all what’s needed to run a house.
And books, I tell you, they breed like rabbits; books are really for suckers;
Stacked all over the floor, I mean, where are you going to put the fuckers?
The only type of scholar that I’d ever want my husband to be
Is a bloke who only reads one book, and that one book is me.
He won’t know A from B—um, sorry about this, Missus,
But as for bookish pedants, Lord, what a dud lot this is.
Nice writing is one thing, but no matter what objections you throw at me,
If you want my opinion of Tristan Tosser, he’s a blowfly at the picnic of poetry.
PHILOMENA:
Are you done? Has your vulgar diatribe finally come to a halt?
CHRISTOPHER:
She speaks honestly.
TRISTAN:
Ad nauseam, ad infinitum—
MARTINA:
Add a pinch of salt.
PHILOMENA:
Yes, well I’m going to cut short all this tiresome chatter
And carry out my wishes and put an end to the matter!
[To CHRISTOPHER] Juliet and Tristan will be joined in marriage right away!
I’ve said it; I want it; I don’t care what you have to say!
If you promised to give her Clinton, give him to Amanda instead!
CHRISTOPHER:
Well, that might be a solution, so we can put this affair to bed.
[To JULIET] What do you think of that idea? Maybe it’s the way to go?
JULIET:
You must be joking!
CLINTON:
Monsieur, how could you?!
CHRISTOPHER:
I think the answer’s no.
As AMANDA speaks, CHRISTOPHER opens the legal letter given him by the Attorney. He reads.
AMANDA:
On reflection, it is a proposition that would please him, no doubt,
But I might weary of his beauty and the intellectual drought,
As the species of love I yearn for must be pure as the morning star,
It lets us soar to heaven, to the realm where angels are;
For what unites our souls is the substance which is pensive,
And not the material love, which Descartes calls the ‘substance extensive’.
CHRISTOPHER:
I’m sorry to have to interrupt your enthralling prattle, my dear,
But I have some rather painful news, conveyed by this letter here.
It’s from your attorneys, Philly—Argante and Damon.
PHILOMENA:
Well, what?
I can’t think of anything important that would come from that lot.
CHRISTOPHER:
‘Dear Madam, we refer to our recent letter setting down the date
For your action in Commercial Causes, but we’re sorry to relate
That as you failed to appear, the action was struck out at great cost
And thus a case you should have won, you have very decidedly lost.’
My God! We’ve lost the case!
PHILOMENA:
Oh, don’t be so silly, Chris;
There are far more pressing concerns than a trivial thing like this.
If only you could be like me, instead of getting into a state.
CHRISTOPHER:
‘Your lack of attention to this affair has bankrupted your estate.
We enclose here a copy of all the orders of the court.’
Bankrupted! My God! I didn’t expect a disaster of this sort.
‘If you do not pay the costs, your home will be seized as well.
And we also inform you that, today, the stock market fell,
And though we advised in our letter about your foreign investment transaction,
You completely failed to respond with the required urgent action.’
MARTINA:
Was that the letter I gave youse, which you ripped up and chucked away?
PHILOMENA:
Stay out of this, you trollop; who cares what you have to say?
CHRISTOPHER:
Oh my God! In one fell swoop we lose everything we own!
PHILOMENA:
Oh, what a shameful outburst! So what if everything is blown?
A truly wise man would not be concerned about such change of fate;
So we’ve lost property and money, we still have spiritual weight;
Now do let’s focus on this wedding and forget about all this fuss,
Anyway, Tristan has sufficient resources to look after all of us.
TRISTAN:
No, Madam; please refrain from pressing my marriage to Juliet.
Your family is firmly against me, and this would cause further upset,
And philosophically speaking, although of course I will dearly miss you,
I think harmony would be better served if I withdraw from forcing the issue.
PHILOMENA:
This reflection seems rather sudden, Monsieur, and without a decent space,
It seems to follow most rapidly upon our financial disgrace.
TRISTAN:
I am worn down and finally defeated by this formidable resistance,
I would rather retreat with grace, than push on with humiliating persistence.
Though marriage is an important ambition, a poet is not ultimately driven
By the desire to possess a heart which has not been willingly given.
PHILOMENA:
What I thought was your glory was in fact an attempt to deceive;
And I am able to see quite clearly what till now I’ve refused to believe.
TRISTAN:
You can see me however you wish, I frankly couldn’t care less,