I Go Where You Go

by Jaelyn Hardin

  If ever I get lost in your eyes tonight

  Please just let me stay right there a little bit longer

  Underneath the stars, we are on fire

  And I don't wanna go if you don't wanna go

  We can just stay here in this minute

  Lose all track of time

  Let the world spin on without us for a while

  I'm telling you, we're just one kiss away from heaven

  So baby, hold on tight

  Cause’ I want to get wrapped up in your love

  So baby, let's just stay here tonight

  Tonight

  I couldn’t stop the tears from invading my ducts. This song was amazing, and so was Matt. He glided on his feet and took me with him with each step. He spun me around and held me in his arms. Never at one point did I feel awkward or silly, I felt like I was right where I needed to be.

  I just wanna linger like this on your lips

  And taste the salt air on your skin

  Hold you in my hands

  Anything and everything, you know that I'm all in

  We can just stay here in this minute

  Lose all track of time

  Let the world spin on without us for a while

  I'm telling you, we're just one kiss away from heaven

  So baby, hold on tight

  Cause’ I want to get wrapped up in your love

  So baby, let's just stay here tonight, tonight

  Baby, let's just stay here tonight, tonight, tonight, tonight, yeah

  Oh oh

  Let's just stay right here tonight

  The song slowed down, and Matt held me in his arms, looking down at me with a smile. I never wanted to leave.

  “I hope those are happy tears.” Matt slid his thumbs underneath my eyes and wiped my tears away.

  I chuckled through a nod. “I just…I really liked that song.”

  “I hoped you would.”

  “You are a very good dancer.”

  He shrugged. “I’m alright.”

  I rolled my eyes. “So humble.”

  He took my hand in his and walked me back to the car. He leaned against the door and wrapped me in his arms, my back resting snuggly against his chest. We both stared up at the stars, breathing in sync with each other. I stroked his forearms gently with my fingers as they hugged me close, loving the feeling of his smooth skin.

  “I can’t believe how easy this is,” he whispered against my neck. “Easier than breathing.” I lost the air in my lungs. “I like you, Becka. Like, a lot.”

  I buried my face in his arms, trying to think clearly. The smell of him wasn’t helping. “I like you too, I just…”

  “Hey, just take your time.” He gently turned me around, wrapping his arms around my shoulders and pulling me in close for a hug. I wrapped my arms around his middle and nestled my face in his chest, breathing him in. “I know you don’t want to lose yourself again, and that works for me. I only ever want you to be you.”

  He was always so honest with me, I needed to be honest with him.

  “I feel more like me when I’m with you.”

  He released from our hug and looked back at me so gently I could’ve melted in his eyes. He smoothly curled my hair behind my ear, tickling my skin. The longer we looked at each other, the surer we were that it was going to happen.

  Our lips melted together as one and every nerve in my body came alive. That warm sensation that I got when he was around me had spread into a wildfire throughout my body. Matt held my face in his hands, pressing his lips to mine repeatedly. Our lips crashed like waves on the shore and I felt alive for the first time in a long time.

  Twelve

  I sat on the grass with my headphones on, stretching out my legs and trying to get my mind focused for my event. I was already feeling nervous, but I tried not to overthink. I just needed to concentrate. I didn’t know when we were going to be called, so I had to be ready.

  Track practice the day prior went perfectly. We went faster and my hand-offs had improved immensely. We were doing well as a group and I felt confident. But here at the meet, it was time to prove myself. I needed to prove I wasn’t the fat girl or the other half anymore, I needed to just be Becka.

  Our team laid out a tarp and blankets on the field as we waited for our events. I wasn’t sure how to act around everyone. I obviously had James on my side, and Lauren, Emma, and Alexis were cool with me now, but I wasn’t going to assume we were all friends. I tried to stay focused on my run, but I couldn’t help but worry about them or where we stood on a social aspect. I tried to shake it off and get my mind right, and that meant listening to my music and trying to stay as calm as possible.

  I found my mom and Rhylie as soon as they arrived. It wasn’t Mom that caught my eye, it was Rhylie. She wore a red tutu and a gold bow in her hair to match my track uniform. She wasn’t hard to miss, but the second I spotted her I couldn’t help but smile. They found a spot on the bleachers and waved back uncontrollably. I felt forever blessed to have a family like mine.

  I was stretching on our tarp when a shadow fell. The darkness came from Coach’s tall body standing over me. I removed my headphones quickly, feeling nervous once more.

  “What’s up, Coach?”

  “Let’s take a walk.” She started to walk away so I jumped to catch her. “You ready for this?”

  “Yes, ma’am.” I tried not to falter in my words. I wanted to exude confidence, not fear.

  “You sure? Your event is a big deal. Only the true runners even attempt it, let alone compete.”

  “I’m ready.”

  “You surprised me, Becka. I thought as soon as you realized those girls had it out for you, you’d be gone.”

  “I won’t lie, I thought about it. They all had a reason for wanting me to quit, but it wasn’t greater than my reason for wanting to stay.”

  “What was your reason for staying?”

  “To finally feel good enough,” I said strongly. “To feel worth something, not just for me but for the team. I want to show people that they can count on me and I am worth something.”

  She stared back at me, still emotionless. “Before this, you felt worthless?”

  “I’ve felt worthless my entire life, Coach.” I looked over at the team and smiled. “I’m part of something greater now, and that’s always been worth something.”

  She looked back at the team with me and nodded her head. “Good luck, Becka. Do our team proud.” Coach put her hands in her pockets and continued walking without me.

  When I rejoined the tarp, Dani, Matt, and Rhylie were talking with James. Rhylie was clinging to Matt’s back like a monkey, but when she saw me, she ejected herself and came straight for me.

  “Becka!” She yelled as her tutu came flying into my arms.

  “Hey, Bug.”

  “When are you going to run? Are you going to run soon?”

  “Soon Bug, really soon.” We held hands and finished walking over to the tarp.

  “There she is,” Matt said with a smile. I was trying to stay focused, but Matt’s smile wasn’t helping.

  “Are you ready to kick some ass?” Dani said with too much enthusiasm.

  I rolled my eyes with a smile. “Something like that.”

  “You’re gonna do fine,” James wrapped his arm around my shoulder and pulled me in. “Stop stressing. Just do your best.”

  “Then we can go party tonight!” Dani cheered again.

  “Are you still taking me trick-or-treating?” Rhylie asked with worry on her face.

  “For sure. We all are.” She wrapped her arms around my waist and squeezed tightly. “Don’t worry, we won’t miss it.”

  “You doing okay?” Matt asked, trying to read my nervousness.

  I nodded. “Yeah, I’m good.”

  “You’re gonna do great,” he smiled back at me so sweetly I wanted to melt. He knelt to Rhylie who was still attached to my waist. “Let’s let Becka get ready for her race, okay?” He held his hand out to her an
d swooped her back on his back.

  “Good luck, Becka!” Bug cheered for me. I smiled at her, but Matt knew it was just as much for him. He was so supportive; I couldn’t handle it.

  Dani quickly hugged me. “We will be with your mom, you got this!” The three of them returned to the bleachers and my heart was full. How did I get so lucky?

  James still had his arm wrapped around me. “Let’s win some events today, what do you say?”

  “Agreed.”

  When our team’s events began, we all waited at the finish line to cheer on our teammates. It was like a big family, and I was glad to be a part of it. Our school was doing great. So far, two of our boy events came in first, one came in second, and a female sprint came in first. Our school was dominating. It was exciting and intimidating. I was proud of our school, but all I felt was pressure. What if I wasn’t good enough? What if I was the one to mess this up? There was so much pressure, I didn’t know how to handle it.

  I took a walk by myself. My breathing was getting rough and I was losing control. I had been trying to stay calm for so long and it felt like it was for nothing. I didn’t want to be the one to mess this up, but it felt inevitable. I put my hands on my head and looked up at the sky, trying to breathe, but it wasn’t working. There was no air.

  Matt’s arms were wrapped around my shoulders before I realized it. He pressed my back to his chest and let me feel his heartbeat through our clothes.

  “Just breathe, Becka. Look at the sky and breathe.”

  The smell of him cleared my senses and I found air once again. I gripped his arms and looked up at the sky, finally able to think. If I could’ve stayed there forever I would’ve. His arms had quickly turned into where I felt I best belonged.

  “Better?” Matt asked. I nodded my head, still taking in air and the smell of him. “What happened?”

  “The team is doing really good, and I don’t want to be the person to mess that up.”

  “Becka, you are an amazing runner. You earned your spot on this team,” he encouraged me while rubbing my shoulders. “You can do this.”

  I knew he was right. “I just got scared, I guess.” I felt embarrassed.

  “It’s okay, it happens. But there is no need. You are going to dominate this relay. I know you will.” He put his face in the crook of my neck and took a deep breath, exhaling on my skin. The warmth was back. “You can do this.”

  “I just needed to clear my head.”

  Matt turned my body around and held my face in his hands. I knew they were soft, but it was like butter when his skin touched mine. He rubbed my cheek softly before he leaned in and kissed me sincerely. My entire body shut down. He tensed his fingers on the back of my neck and deepened our kiss. I was melting on the field.

  He released his lips from mine and smiled at me. “Better?”

  My mind was a blob of glue, but it was clear. “Yeah, that’ll do it.”

  He laughed. “I thought it might.” He held my face in his hands and smiled. “You got this. I’ll see you after the meet.” He kissed me one last time before running back to the bleachers. The warmth was back, and I prayed I would never lose it. I watched him run back to the stands, but that meant meeting the eyes of Mom and Dani with their large, cheesy grins.

  I met with the rest of the team as Coach said my event was next. I lost feeling in my legs, and not in a good way this time. This was it. I looked over at the stands and I met Matt’s eyes. He wasn’t smiling, but the chocolate of his stare was strengthening. I could do this.

  “Guys, come here a second.” Alexis pulled Lauren, Emma, and me over to the side to give us a pep talk. “This is it. We’ve practiced and practiced. We can do this.”

  “We can do this,” Emma said, bouncing from one leg to the other.

  “Just like we did at practice,” Lauren said, joining in on the determination.

  “Becka,” Alexis began. “I know we started on the wrong foot, but I think this is the best our relay team has been in a long time.”

  I was touched by her words. “We can do this.”

  One of the meet supervisors showed us our lane and we got situated. I was worried about being an anchor. The anchor was always the fastest, but if they thought I could do it, then I would just have to show them that I could.

  Alexis got on her mark and waited for the signal. When she heard the shot, she took off, taking the lead right away. Lauren stepped onto the lane and waited for Alexis to come back around with the baton. By the time she did, Alexis had taken over the lead by almost an entire straight, giving Lauren plenty of room to crush. Lauren took off and Emma got in place. Another girl in the second position nearly caught up to Lauren. Lauren handed off to Emma and Emma went forward, trying to take back our lead.

  I stepped to my line and waited for Emma. My heart was pounding, people were cheering for the current runners, but I focused on the track. I couldn’t afford distractions, I needed to run. And then I heard it.

  “Now!”

  My arm was already out, I just needed to move my feet. They were picking up quickly, but when I felt the baton on my palm, it was like a fire lit under me. I was the first one in the fourth position to go, and I was hoping to be the first one back. I ran light on my feet but quickly, not looking at anything but the next straight in front of me. Even the thought of feet behind me sent me into a panic and I ran faster. I wanted to win.

  I was on the last curve and I found Alexis. My hand-off.

  “Now!”

  She started to move and somehow, I moved faster. I slapped the baton in her hand, and she took off once again. I’d given Alexis a nice lead to keep going, so her first straight and curve were completely by herself, but she never stopped pushing. I admired that about her. She never gave up. Her hand-off to Lauren was clean and Lauren pushed just as well. The other teams were burning out, but it felt like we had a second wind.

  Lauren handed off to Emma, and Emma took her strides strong. But a girl from a different lane got her second wind too and was catching up to Emma quickly. Emma stayed steady, but the girl was fast. It was going to be close and it was going to be up to me.

  I waited on my mark with my hand out, itching to move. I didn’t want to wait any longer. I needed to run.

  “Now!”

  Just as I was taught, I didn’t look behind me. I stayed focused and I trusted Emma to be there. And just like she promised, she was. I kept my head up and my hand gripped on that baton as hard as I could. The girl two lanes to my right was coming closer. I could hear her breathing. But her breathing made me smile. I knew she was getting winded. The race was mine for the taking.

  I thought about night running with Matt, and even when I thought my calves would no longer work again, sprinting was my only answer. And there on that track, it was no different. I picked up my feet and I sprinted. I sprinted harder than I had ever sprinted before. I made it to the last curve, and I was by myself, no heavy breathing, or footsteps in the distance. I made it to the last straight and I gave it everything I had. I pounded my feet into the track, and I leaned forward, crossing the line and winning for the team.

  I slowed down to a walk after I finished but was just as quickly picked up and spun around by James. He was hollering and shouting so loudly, I grinned from ear to ear. The rest of the team followed suit and came to celebrate. Lauren, Emma, and Alexis came running from the starting line with smiles enveloping their faces. We won.

  “We did it!” Alexis screamed. Once James put me down, she wrapped her arms around me. “That was the best time we’ve ever finished! We killed it!”

  “We did so good!” Lauren jumped up and down. The four of us wrapped our arms around each other and huddled together.

  “Good job, ladies,” I said to them.

  “We couldn’t have done it without you, Becka,” Emma spoke sincerely. I thought she would be the last of the girls to get on board with me, but it looked like things had changed.

  The rest of the team huddled with us and we celebrat
ed together. I was patted on the back and told ‘good job’ more times than I could count, but I would remember every single one for a long time. I met eyes with Coach, and she smiled back at me, finally not emotionless. She gave me a quick head nod, her form of congratulations.

  “Becka!” Rhylie bolted into my arms once the meet was over. “You won!”

  “I know!” I couldn’t deflate my cheeks from smiling.

  “Good job, sweetie,” Mom said as she and everyone came down from the stands. “You were amazing.” She wrapped her arms around both Bug and me and hugged us. I felt so much love.

  “I don’t know if you noticed,” James jumped in, “but I won my sprint too.”

  “Good job, James.” My mom hugged him as well.

  “I don’t know what you were worried about,” Dani said. “You were faster than all the girls out there.”

  “It’s Halloween time!” Rhylie jumped up and down to change the subject, making her tutu dance.

  “Yes, it is. Let’s go.” Mom grabbed her hand and headed for the car while Rhylie skipped along. James and Dani followed too. I thought about it, but there was only one person I wanted to see.

  Matt looked at me with such pride, it made my heart jump. He hugged me so greatly it took my feet off the ground. I wrapped my arms around him and let him spin me wildly. I wasn’t able to suppress my smile and I didn’t even bother to try.

  “I’m so proud of you, Becka!” Matt’s smile was contagious.

  “Thank you for being here.” Something about being around him just made me want to be honest. I didn’t want to hide anything from him, especially my feelings.

  He pulled my face back and looked at me with those intense eyes. “Where else would I be?”

  I took a shower and washed off my salty sweat and grass stains from the meet. I threw on some ripped, black jeans and a white V-neck. I decided to straighten my hair, not because someone told me to or because I wanted to impress someone, but just because I felt like it. And that decision felt good simply because it was mine to make.