I Go Where You Go
Page 29
“Same as always,” I told her. “Getting smarter one page at a time.” I grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge and sat on the couch with her. “How are you?”
“I’m good, just trying to find something to watch. These shows lately are nothing but garbage.”
“I think that’s why people watch.”
We watched mindless television for a little bit before Mom broke the ice.
“How’s everything going with the college stuff?”
“It’s going, still the same.”
I could tell by the look on her face that she wanted to talk about something, I just had to wait for her to spit it out. “Have you thought any more about whether or not you are going to stay here or leave and go to school?”
I shook my head. “Not really. I haven’t submitted my application to Barnett yet, I’m still working on it. It’s still up in the air.”
“If you get accepted, what do you think you’ll do?”
I knew what my answer was, but I didn’t know what to tell her. “I’m not sure. I’m still deciding.”
She paused before she mumbled an “okay.”
“What’s up, Mom?”
She shut the TV off and turned her body to me. “I think we need to talk about something.”
“Okay.” She was making me nervous.
“I’m worried that you are going to go to this other school not because of school or the experience but because of Matt. And I do not want you to decide because of a boy. I want you to do what will benefit you and only you.”
I saw where she was coming from. “I understand.”
“You do?”
“Yeah, and I agree. I spent too much time making decisions based on other people, I’m not trying to do that anymore. If I decide to move, it wouldn’t be because of anybody but me.”
“What about Matt?”
“He’s definitely a perk,” I laughed. “But we both know the decision is mine to make. He won’t pressure me to move, he won’t pressure me for anything. He’s very…understanding.”
“Are you sure?” She was skeptical. “Are you sure that this isn’t just about being happy with him and wanting to move away with him?”
“Mom, I made the decision to apply before Matt and I were even talking, let alone dating. This is about me. This is about my chance to get away and start fresh in a new place. And if I get to do that with Matt, that just makes it better.” I reached for her hand and held it in mine. “I get why you are worried, but I’m telling you, you don’t have to be.”
She sighed. “I just have to make sure your future is intact. This is the last time I can really do something for you before I send you off into the world.”
“I get it, but I’ll be okay.”
“I know,” she held my hand tighter in hers, squeezing with love. “One more thing.”
“Yes?”
“What’s going on with Matt?”
“We’re dating?”
She rolled her eyes. “We have to have the talk, Becka.”
“Oh.” Awesome.
“This isn’t fun for me either, but we have to do it. Are you guys having sex?”
“No.” I tried to answer as quickly as I could. I knew we had to talk about it, but I just wanted it to be over.
“Have you talked about it?”
“No.”
“Are you planning on talking about it?”
“Yes,” I said it so quickly without thinking, it surprised me.
“Do we need to talk about condoms?”
“Please, God, no.”
She rolled her eyes again. “Becka, we have to do this.”
“Mom, I got it. I’m fine. And if I have any questions or issues, I’ll come talk to you, okay?”
She nodded. “I can work with that. Ultimately, all I want is for you to be careful. I don’t want decisions you make now to mess up your future. I want you to be happy and have fun, but just be safe, okay?”
“Okay.”
My scholarship essay was complete, waiting patiently in a manila envelope to be mailed out. My English teacher had given me my recommendation letter, so I officially had everything I needed. But the mailing part was where the difficulty lied. I carried it with me everywhere, never knowing when I would gain the courage to finally put it in the mailbox. The only thing stressing me out more than that was having to tell Matt it was finished.
After track practice as I was driving home, my phone dinged with a new email. It was from my school counselor.
Becka, just a reminder that your scholarship essay is due on the 30th of this month. If you do not submit it in time, you will not be eligible for the scholarship. Let me know if you need help with anything moving forward. Good luck!
My heart started racing. The thirtieth was in nine days. Nine days. Nine more days and I had no choice but to submit something so personal for a complete stranger to read. Nine more days.
Instead of going home, I drove to the auto shop. The only person I wanted to see was Matt. I pulled into the parking lot and power walked inside, the envelope gripped in my hand. I walked through the stalls until I found him, bent over the hood of a white SUV; his hands and button-up covered in grease. I took a moment to admire him in his element, taking in how sexy he looked hard at work. But I quickly brought myself back to reality and approached him.
“Hey.”
Matt’s head peered around the hood and his face flooded with happiness.
“Hey, Becks.” He wiped his greasy hands with a rag of the same consistency before kissing me quickly. “This is a surprise.”
“Just wanted to see you.” I’m not sure why I lied, but I wasn’t sure how to start this conversation.
“I’d hug you, but I doubt you want to get covered in this stuff.” I attempted to laugh, but it came out weak. He could sense my uneasiness. “You okay? Your crease is in full effect.”
I grasped my envelope tighter, feeling the parchment underneath my fingers. “My essay is due in nine days.”
“That’s okay.” He nodded his head in understanding. “You still have time to finish it. How much more do you have left?”
The kindness in his words just about brought tears to my eyes. I hated that I hid this from him.
“It’s finished.” I held up the envelope. “I just have to mail it out.”
“That’s great!” His expression was joyous, but it quickly changed when I did not reciprocate. He didn’t speak, he just stared back at me, trying to read my mind. It didn’t take him long. “Are you nervous about sending it in?” I nodded fiercely. “Hey,” he nearly closed the distance between us, so close I could smell the grease from his uniform. “You are going to be fine. They are going to love it.”
“But what if they think I’m just a fat kid with no self-esteem?”
“Then you write really bad papers.” His smirk lightened my panic. I tried not to smile but I failed. “I know how important this is, but what would you write in there that would make you look like you have no self-esteem? You changed your entire life and can write about it. And you want to continue a future in writing. That sounds pretty good to me.” He tilted my chin, making my eyes meet his. “Relax. They are going to love it.”
“Okay.” He kissed me and I could breathe again. It wasn’t just his words that made me feel better, it was his presence.
“Can I ask you something?” Matt asked, leaning against the car he was working on.
“Of course.”
“How long has your paper been finished?”
I knew I messed up by not telling him, I just didn’t think he would figure it out so quickly. “A little while, I guess.”
“Why didn’t you tell me? Did you really not want me to read it?”
I shook my head so quickly it could have rolled off my neck. “No, it’s not like that.”
“Then what, Becka?” The disappointment in his eyes was enough to crush me flat. He wrung the dirty rag in his hands, easing his tension. I knew I had to give him complete and total honesty.
“Wow.” His eyebrows raised in shock. “I thought you knew me better than that.”
“I do. I mean…I’m sorry.” I leaned against the car for support. My breath was failing me.
“Becka, do you want this? Do you want to be with me?” His voice was so serious, it frightened me. Tears entered my ducts so suddenly my vision was blurry.
“Yes. I like you so much.”
“Then why do you keep pushing me away?”
I didn’t want him to see me cry, but it was unavoidable. “I’m not trying to…”
“Are you sure?” His voice raised slightly. “I know it’s hard for you, but it feels like you are doing it on purpose.”
“How?”
“When we were at the park a few weeks ago, telling me how I’m not going to like what you look like. You said it like it was obvious, like my mind was already made up. And now, you didn’t want to show me your paper because you think I’m just going to break up with you.” I was speechless, all I could do was stare at my hands. “I know you have a brick wall, but it feels like you are purposely trying to keep me out.”
“I just don’t want to get hurt,” I whispered.
“And I don’t want to hurt you.” His voice raised again; his demeanor now frustrated. “That’s the last thing I want to do, Becka. But I can’t do this one-sided. I can’t keep trying to show you that you’re safe with me if you keep pushing me away.”
My head remained low, tears dripping from my face and onto the concrete. I wasn’t mad at him; I was mad at myself because he was right. My head was going to ruin this for me if it hadn’t already.
“I’m sorry,” my voice choked out. “I’m really sorry.”
“Will you look at me, please?” I really didn’t want to, but I obliged, those brown eyes piercing my heart. “I’m sorry this is hard for you, but I’m in this. I’m all in, one hundred percent. And I need to know if you can give me that too. If it’s too soon or too scary or too whatever, just talk to me.” I wanted to say something. Anything. But I had no words. Matt sighed toward my silence, returning to the hood of the car. “I have to get back to work. Let me know, Becka.”
I had showered and ate dinner with my family silently, trying to figure out how I was going to fix this. I left the shop in worse mental shape than when I arrived. I thought seeing Matt would calm my nerves about college, not open the flood gates I was holding back about being with him.
Matt had become so important to me in such a short time, I didn’t want to lose him or the possibility of what we could be. But he was absolutely right, I was pushing him away. His examples were dead on. And as I sat in my window seat pondering my actions, I was realizing that I was just waiting for this to blow up in my face like everything else always did. I didn’t want to get too close, so when he hurt me, I wasn’t so damaged. And I wanted to give him justified reasons for not being with me, like my weight or my inability to share, so when he left me, I’d at least know why. This massive spiral of self-sabotage and negativity brought me to one conclusion: that’s just not Matt. Matt has always just cared for me. He never cared about what my life was like with Ashleigh or how high my weight was. He cared about my feelings regarding the subjects, but it never changed the way he saw me, he just saw me for me. He was authentically Matt.
My revelation was thriving, and tears were streaming down my face. I knew better than most that Matt was kind and sweet and thoughtful and deserved to be treated as such, not second-guessed and his future actions assumed. I hated that I had done this. I hated that I had challenged his genuineness with me and pushed him away. But I would hate myself even more if I didn’t do everything I could to try and fix it.
Me: Hey. I’d really like to talk to you. Can I come over?
My phone began to slide from my palms, my perspiration working together with gravity. Thankfully, I didn’t have to wait long.
Matt: I’m still at work. Should be done in 30. Come over after?
Me: See you soon
With all this new built up energy charging through me, I couldn’t wait thirty minutes. I pulled into the parking lot of the auto-shop, Matt’s car the only one left. I had driven far too fast, trying to get to him before he left. Luckily, he was still inside so I had time to prepare myself. I leaned against my door, letting the breeze blow across my face and help me breathe. I was going to need all the help I could get.
“Hey.”
I turned at the sound of his voice and Matt was walking toward me, wearing a clean white t-shirt instead of his greasy button-up.
“Hi,” my voice wavered. “I know I was supposed to meet you at home, but I couldn’t wait.”
“It’s okay.” He smiled shyly, leaning against his car across from me. “What’s up?”
I took a large breath, letting the cool air fill my lungs.
“You were right. You were more than right. I was pushing you away because I’m so scared of getting hurt again…and I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry I wasn’t reciprocating all that you give to me. It’s just…it was just easier for me to try and expect the breakup early on, that way it doesn’t hurt so bad when it happens.”
“Becka—"
“I know how messed up that sounds! And I know that’s not you. You are sweet and thoughtful and funny and amazing and see me for me, not 3B or the other half. I get it now, and I get what I was doing, and I don’t want to do it anymore because I don’t want to lose you. I don’t want to ruin this with my own insecurities. I just want to be with you.”
He stared back at me with an expression I couldn’t read. His hesitation forced me to babble.
“I’m sorry if I ruined this, or if you don’t trust me. I just care about you so much; I needed to try and explain everything. But if you don’t want to be with me anymore, I get it. I was pushing you away and I wasn’t honest with you about my paper—”
“Will you stop?” The tone in his voice halted me. He closed the gap between us and held onto my shoulders, forcing me to meet his eyes. “I told you I’m in this and I meant it. Good and bad. I’ll be here to help you through your anxiety and your fears, but I need you to talk to me, otherwise that spiral in your head is going to take us both down.” He pressed his forehead against mine, speaking carefully. “Do you want to do this with me?”
I couldn’t help but let a small tear escape. “Yes, I do.”
“Then be here with me, okay? Just be here with me.”
“Always.”
We wrapped our arms around each other so fiercely it was like a homecoming. I buried my face in his chest and let my tears form a small puddle through the cotton. Matt combed his fingers through my hair while peppering me with soft kisses.
“I have something for you.” I broke free from his arms and retrieved my scholarship essay from my car. “Will you read it? Please?”
Matt took the envelope, eyeing me cautiously. “Are you sure?”
“I need you to read it.”
We sat together on the trunk of Matt’s car, one of his arms draped around my shoulders, the other holding my paper. I cuddled myself around his middle, listening to his heart as he read my words. He was the only person to ever read something of mine. My mom didn’t even have clearance to read my school papers, let alone something as personal as my past. I was really letting him in, and I knew it was the right call to make.
He flipped through the last page before setting it down on his lap, staring off into the distance. He made no sudden movements or attempts to speak. The suspense was killing me.
“So?”
He leaned over and planted his lips on my hair, speaking with a smile.
“It’s amazing.” My insides erupted like fireworks. T
he tone and the words and the comfort of his voice set my soul on fire. He turned our bodies together, looking deep into my eyes. “You told your story, Becks, and you showed the best parts of you, like your drive, your courage, and your determination to be the best sister to Rhylie. This paper is you, and in the best way possible.”
I was either going to cry or I was going to hug him, so I chose both. I burrowed my face in his neck, letting my tears go.
“Thank you for saying that.”
“Thank you for letting me read it.” He wiped my tears away, making me smile. “I think we should go mail it.”
I leaned back, confused. “Now?”
He smiled greatly and agreed. “The paper is perfect, and you have everything you need to submit. Let’s do it.” Matt could see the panic in my eyes. “Hey, get out of your head.” He poked my crease.
“I know, I know. I’m just nervous. It’s a big deal.”
“I know it is. But no future plans can happen until you mail this out.” He had me there, and he knew it to. “I’ve got stamps inside. Mail man stops by every morning for pick up. We can do this right now. What do you say?”
As nervous as I was, I couldn’t let the spiral win.
Matt and I walked hand in hand back inside the auto shop. We kept the lights out but turned on a small lamp on the front desk. I went to take a seat in the chair, but Matt sat down first and guided me onto his lap. I gave no objection to his spontaneity. Matt rifled through the desk until he came up with four postage stamps. He sealed my envelope and intricately placed them in the corner before returning it to me. Nerves hit my body again.
“I hope you know how proud I am of you,” Matt voiced to me so sweetly against my ear. I could’ve melted. “You’ve gone through a lot in your life, and you have every reason in the world to be nervous. But putting yourself out there and trying something new like a distant college is a big deal. And no matter what happens, I’m proud of you.” He laid his lips on my cheek and kissed me dearly. “Now hurry up and mail this thing.”
I sprang from his lap and went toward the front door where a basket that read Outgoing Mail laid. I hadn’t thought today would be the day. I imagined I would panic a little bit longer before someone forced me into the post office, but I liked this way much better. I took a deep breath and dropped my envelope in the pile, manifesting in my future.