I Go Where You Go
Page 28
“Yes, please.” I turned around and kissed him deeply, holding his face in my hands. I didn’t want to, but I let go. “I’ll be right back.”
I raced down the hall and into Mom’s studio. She was standing at an easel looking intricately at her painting.
“Mom, is it cool if I go out with Matt for a little bit?”
Her body stayed still but her eyes traveled to mine. A smirk appeared on her face as well. “And what will we be doing with Mr. Matt?”
I blushed. “We are just going to hang out, I’m not sure what he has planned.”
“He is full of surprises, that boy.”
“You’re telling me,” I blushed again. “So, it’s okay? If I go?”
She smirked at me again before nodding her head. “Yea, it’s fine. Not too late. You still have school in the morning.”
“Yes, ma’am.” I went over to her and kissed her on the cheek. “Thank you.” I raced to the door, but she stopped me again.
“Becka, do I have to tell you about being careful?”
“No, I already know.” It should have been awkward talking to her about this, but it wasn’t. I knew she just didn’t want me getting pregnant so early like she did. “I’ll be careful, I promise.”
“You’re a smart girl. Be careful. But Becka…have some fun.”
“Thanks, Mom.” I pulled the door open and found my man leaned against the kitchen table with his hands in his pockets. He looked back at me with that same smile that was driving me mad.
“Everything good?”
“Better than good.” I put my hands on his chest and leaned my body into him. “Ready?” I whispered on his lips.
“Hell yes.” He took my hand in his and dragged me out the front door, ready for our next adventure.
Our first stop was at the diner. Matt ran inside and came back out a minute later with a giant box of pizza. That boy and pizza, I swear. He sauntered over to the car looking ridiculously attractive in his red shirt and khaki shorts. The red made his eyes look darker than normal, but I wasn’t about to complain. He looked so good I was silently thanking myself for putting on jeans and a tank top instead of my usual Sunday sweatpants. He plopped the pizza in the back seat, making the air smell like pepperonis and garlic.
“I missed you today.” He put his hand on my knee and squeezed it gently, stroking up and down my thigh.
“I missed you too, but this is not helping.” I stopped his hand when it got closer to my hip.
He squeezed my hand tighter and rubbed my knuckles with his thumb. “We are almost there.”
Matt pulled up to the parking lot of our park. This place was one of my new favorite spots because it was ours. It held the memories of our first real talk, our first run, and our first kiss. It had a special place in my heart. He grabbed the pizza and two bottles of water from his backseat. I followed him over to the same picnic table we once sat at weeks ago.
“Is this okay?” he asked before setting down the meal.
“Of course.”
He turned the pizza box so the empty lid was in front of me. He took out two slices and put them on the lid, serving me first like always.
“How was your day?”
“Good, I am just about finished with my paper.”
“Really?” he looked surprised. “That’s great!”
“It was a long time coming, but I’ll be happy when it’s done.”
“Given any more thought to me reading it?”
I looked down at my pizza, not wanting to meet his eyes for the first time in a while. “I have. I’ll let you know.”
“I can work with that.”
“How was your day?”
“Good. I went for a run this morning, stopped by and helped Dad with the shop, studied a little bit for that test we have coming up. I wanted to hang out with you but I remembered what you said about Rhylie so I figured I could try and do both.”
“I’m glad you did. It was really nice of you to take her out.”
“It’s not a problem, she’s an awesome kid.”
We ate our pizza and made small talk as the sun went down, setting on us both. The park emptied as the sky turned dark, leaving me and Matt to ourselves, just the way we liked it.
“What would you like to do now?” I asked him as he devoured the rest of the pizza.
“I have an idea.” He closed the box and collected our trash. “Give me a minute?”
“Sure.” I watched him walk back to the car and put the pizza box in the trunk. I looked up at the sky, counting the stars above me.
“See anything you like up there?” He snuck up behind me and spoke softly.
“The stars are so pretty out here. I can’t stop looking at them.”
“I have a better way we could do that.” I turned around and found him holding the blanket from his bed.
“You brought your blanket?” I laughed.
“Maybe.”
“How long have you had this planned?” I turned around to face him, watching the ends of his lips curve into a smile. “I know you don’t keep your blanket in your trunk.”
He shrugged. “Maybe I thought this through a little bit.”
“Maybe?”
“Maybe.” He walked over to an open area of grass in the park and spread out the blanket. He reached his hand out to me, giving me that perfect smirk again. “You coming?”
I got up from the table and took his hand. An intense flash of heat went through my body when our fingers touched. He pulled me straight into him and kissed me deeply, his hands finding their way to my lower back and grasping me tightly. My back began to arch as I took in his kiss, holding his face in my hands. This kiss was so deep I felt it everywhere. He continued to kiss me until neither of us could breathe.
“Hi,” he whispered on my lips, still holding me close.
“Hi.”
“I missed you,” he said breathlessly.
I touched his lips with my thumb, rubbing them gently. “I missed you too.” Touching his lips was doing more to him than I thought. Very slowly, he slid his hands from my lower back down my butt, cupping underneath and making me squeal. He heard the sound come from my throat and that did it. He lifted me, taking me in his arms. I draped my legs around his torso and wrapped my arms around his neck, kissing him with all I had.
Matt carried me before sitting me back down on the table, gazing at me with nothing but lust in his eyes. I grasped the front of his shirt and pulled him back to me. I had never felt this way before, but I never wanted it to end. I reached for the bottom of his shirt and pulled it up to his shoulders. Matt didn’t flinch, but he had to stop kissing me to pull the shirt over his head, and that seemed to be his biggest worry. The second his shirt was off, the moon spotted him first. His muscles were almost glistening in the light, showing me every curve and arc of his physique.
“Matt,” I moaned. He looked back at me with those eyes again, but I couldn’t look away from his core. It was sculpted like a god, growing a little line of hair around his belly button, and disappearing down his shorts. I put my hands on his chest and let my fingers dance, trying to feel every square inch. I couldn’t look away from his tan skin.
“Becka,” he whispered back to me as I felt his muscles in my hands. I couldn’t help myself. I leaned forward and kissed his chest. I worked my way up to his neck and Matt didn’t disagree. With each touch of my lips, Matt squeezed my legs a bit more.
“Becka,” he said again as I pulled on his neck with my teeth.
“Yea?”
“My turn?”
Matt’s hands had found their way to the bottom of my tank top. My insides were telling him to pull it off, but my fear was screaming at me to keep it on.
“The crease is back,” he whispered, looking back at me with thoughtful eyes. “What’s wrong?”
I immediately got scared. What if he saw my stretch marks? What if he thought they were just as disgusting as I did? Tears began to well up in my eyes and he noticed right away.
“It’s not that. I want you to.”
“Then why are you crying?” He reached and wiped one of my tears with his thumb.
I exhaled. “Because it’s not gonna look how you want it to look.”
“How I want it to look?” I shook my head again. “Hey, it’s me.” I couldn’t look at him. “Talk to me, please.”
He was being so considerate, I felt like an asshole. “I’m sorry,” I whimpered.
Matt wrapped his arms around my body and pushed my head into his chest. “There is nothing to be sorry for, Becks. I just want you to talk to me.”
I let go of his hug and looked back into his eyes. I knew I could talk to him; it was just the actual talking that was looking to be a problem.
“Come on.” He took my hand in his and pulled me off the table. I followed his shirtless body to the blanket spread on the grass. He sat down and pulled me into him, hugging me from behind and wrapping his arms around me. I scanned the sky, trying to find courage up there I clearly didn’t have on my own. Matt laid a soft kiss on the inside of my neck as he held me, making my heart explode.
“Becka,” he whispered in my ear. “Please talk to me.”
I exhaled and looked at the stars, trying to focus on any constellation I recognized. Here goes nothing.
“My body doesn’t look…normal,” he didn’t say anything, I knew he wanted me to say more, “because I lost all the weight.”
It clicked in his mind. “Did you really think that would bother me? Or does it just bother you?”
I squeezed his hands in mine, trying to take some of his courage for myself. “It bothers me, and I feel bad that this is what you are stuck with.”
“Stuck with?” He turned my face to his, his expression nothing less than serious. “You think I got stuck with you?”
“No, I just…” I didn’t even know what to say anymore.
“Becka, I chose you. No one forced me. I want this because I like you. Can’t you see that?”
Tears were welling up again. “I’m sorry,” was all I could manage.
He rubbed his fingers on my cheek. “You don’t have to be sorry. I want this. I want us. And I want you to believe that. I told you I want to know every part of you, the good and the bad. You’ve been through a lot. This isn’t a bad thing, whether you think so or not.” He wiped my tears away before kissing me softly. “Please, believe in yourself.”
I nodded my head, looking back in his eyes. “Okay.”
“Come here.”
I turned my body around and came face to face with my protector, my protector from myself. He took my hands in his, holding me between his legs, practically looking into my soul.
“Did you know that I think you are beautiful?” He never deviated from my eyes. I shook my head no. “Because I do.”
“You never told me that,” I whispered.
“I first met you at lunch with Dani and James, and I didn’t know what to make of you. You looked so sad. Time passed and little by little you opened up, and I could tell that there was something about you. We hung out, and I just knew, but I couldn’t put my finger on it. And then,” he lifted my hands to his mouth and kissed them intimately, “you cut your hair off. And it was like whoa, there she is. That’s her.” I could feel the tears welling up again, but I was the farthest thing from sad. It was more like disbelief. “You finally looked like you, but you wouldn’t let me in, not until that day Rhylie got hurt. You removed some bricks from your wall, and I couldn’t miss my chance.”
“Matt,” I couldn’t stop my tears anymore.
“I want you to understand how much you mean to me. I don’t care if this is too fast or whatever. Because you need to see yourself how I see you.”
“As beautiful?”
“As one of the most beautiful humans I have ever met.”
“Humans? Does that mean there is a goat somewhere you like more than me?”
“Jokes?” He smiled my favorite smile. “Are you telling jokes?” I smiled at the ground, trying to run my tears away. “This is what I’m talking about Becka, you are amazing. It’s about time you start thinking so too.”
I took a turn kissing his hands. “You didn’t have to say that. Any of that.”
“I’m the boyfriend. It’s my job.”
“What’s my job as the girlfriend?”
“Make yourself happy and take me along with you.”
“I can do that.”
Matt once again put his hands on the sides of my face, wiping what was left of my tears. He leaned in slowly and kissed me delicately, letting me feel all of his lips as they pressed against mine. I kissed him back just the same, wanting him to feel everything that I was feeling. I put my arms around his neck and made myself comfortable on his lap. His shorts were thinner than we both expected, allowing me to feel more of him.
Matt kissed me deeply, his hold on me so secure. He walked his fingers under my shirt, stroking my skin lightly. It was in that very moment that I knew it was going to be okay. I lifted my hands above my head, holding them toward the sky. Matt’s eyes met mine and he pulled my shirt off, holding me close once again. I had assumed he would look down at the stretch marks right away, but it never happened. His eyes never left mine.
I ended up on my back with Matt lying on top of me, gripping my skin with one hand and pulling my hair with the other. Just his touch had my nerves on fire. His kisses began with the crook of my neck and worked his way down, landing on the cleavage coming out of my bra. He continued down until he settled on the lower part of my stomach. I felt his fingertips lightly trace the stretch marks that scarred me. I didn’t know what to make of it until he started kissing them. He kissed up and down each mark that had branded me of my past. He was amazing. He kissed his way back up my body before stopping at my face, looking back at me. We kept our eyes together for a while, not wanting to separate. I could look at him forever, and in that moment, I hoped I would.
We laid on the blanket, entangled in each other’s body parts, staring up at the sky. I memorized star after star, taking in everything going on around me. With his arms enclosed around my body, holding me close, and no shirts to be found, I felt safe.
“You know what this reminds me of?” Matt said. “If I lay here, if I just lay here, would you lie with me and just forget the world,” he sang the words softly.
“Did you know they only play that song on Grey’s Anatomy when someone is about to die?”
He looked over at me in surprise. “You watch Grey’s Anatomy?”
I nodded. “My mom and I like to binge it.”
“You binge a medical soap opera. Total nerd.”
I rolled my eyes. “I’m just saying. That song only ever means something bad is about to happen.”
He squeezed my body closer to his, kissing my forehead. “Well, maybe now it can mean something good.”
The breeze started to pick up as it got later into the night. He wrapped his arms around me tighter, trying to secure me from the cold, but it wasn’t working. My head came through the hole of my shirt and I found his eyes again.
“What?” I whispered.
“Are you okay?” he asked. I nodded, reaching for his hand and enlacing our fingers. He smiled back at me, his jawline attracting me all over again. “A lot just happened.”
I smiled. “Yeah, it did.”
“And you are okay? With everything?” I knew he was trying to make sure he didn’t push me or force me into anything. Seeing how much he cared about me made my heart flutter. I peered into his chocolate brown eyes with everything I had.
“I’m better than okay.”
Fourteen
Matt and I had been going out for a little while, and I would take school with a boyfriend over school single any day. School with a boyfriend included surprise kisses, handh
olding, hugging, sexy texts, nonstop laughter and smiling. It was clear to see that things with Matt and me were going well. Dani and James were happy for the both of us. Dani continued to tell me how she knew we would end up together. James was less active about his happiness, but it was all just the same. He asked me about it one day in class.
“So, you and Matt, huh?”
“Yea.”
“I’m happy for you guys. He needs someone like you.”
“Like me?”
He shrugged. “Someone that makes him happy.”
Dani had a much more aggressive approach. She wanted to know details. She wanted to know how it happened and what each of us said. I felt awkward telling her that after she passed out on Halloween, I spent the night with her brother, but she was more impressed than upset. She did, however, make me promise that I would not ditch her for Matt, which I agreed. As much as I wanted to be with Matt, Dani was my actual best friend.
Each night after track practice, Matt and I would either do homework together at his place, my place, or separately while we texted. It was crazy how much we wanted to be around each other. And it wasn’t in a clingy way. We didn’t sit and make out the whole time, I genuinely enjoyed his company and felt better when I was around him. Mom asked me if I was ever getting anything done, which to both our surprise, I was completing more than expected.
Our Friday nights still included movie marathons. Mom was suspect about the whole thing at first, concerned it was more of a sex marathon. But we talked, and I explained. I was grateful for the bond I had with Mom. There was no need to lie, so she believed me. Matt and I kept the PDA down around Dani and James, but when they passed out, we were very open and took full advantage of his comforter. We were still taking things slow, and I hadn’t been in his room yet, but the idea made my heart swoon.
I got back from Matt’s one night and I found Mom in the living room, clicking through the channels.
“Hey, sweetie,” she greeted me. “How was studying?”