I Go Where You Go

by Jaelyn Hardin

  “Sorry,” he whispered. “I didn’t mean to wake you.”

  “It’s okay.” I scooted my body closer to his and laid my head on his chest. “Hi.”

  “Hi.” He rubbed his hand on my back. “How did you sleep?”

  “Great.” I kissed his bare chest, hoping he was smiling. “I always sleep great when I’m with you.”

  He didn’t say anything at first, but when he did it was difficult to hear him.

  “Thank you for staying.”

  “Where else would I be?” I felt him squeeze me tighter, loving every second of it. “Are you okay?”

  “Yea, I’m fine.”

  “Do you want to talk?” I wasn’t sure how to go about it.

  “Not really,” he responded quickly.

  “Okay.” I listened to his heartbeat, one after another. I knew something was wrong, I just wanted him to be okay.

  We laid in bed for a while, neither of us making any attempt of moving. I didn’t know what time it was or what was going on with the rest of the world. All I knew was Matt needed me, and that was all that mattered.

  It was nearly six o’clock in the evening and I hadn’t heard from Matt. When I left his house earlier, he told me we would talk later. I tried my best to stay positive with him and hide my crease, but I got in the car and went full panic mode. I just wanted him to be okay, and I didn’t know what I could do to fix it, or even how to fix it.

  The day ran by slowly. I waited and waited and waited and waited for a text, but my phone was bone dry. Was I supposed to be worried? Was I supposed to give him time? I had never been in this situation before; I didn’t know the protocol.

  Me: Hey you, just wanted to let you know I was thinking about you :)

  I hit send before I could panic. I hoped that made him feel better, or at least remember that I am here for him.

  A knock at the door threw off my concentration. I ran for it, hoping it was Matt. When I flung it open, I came face to face with Dani.

  “Hey,” I tried to sound happy and not disappointed, but it didn’t work.

  “Don’t look so upset.” She made her way inside and headed for the kitchen.

  “Sorry, I’m not upset.” I followed her in and sat at the table. “What’s with the stuff?”

  “I know Rhylie wanted to have a movie night, so I got stuff to bake cookies.” She took out bags and bags of chocolate chips before dropping them on the table.

  “Sweet.” Dani stopped emptying the bag and stared at me. “What?”

  “He’s okay,”

  “What?”

  “Matt. He’s okay. I know you are worried about him.” I didn’t know what to say. I was trying to keep it to myself. Talking to his sister about it made it weird. “He just needs time.”

  “Time away from me?”

  She shook her head. “No. From everyone. He does this sometimes when things get like this.”

  “Get like what?”

  She looked at the supplies before answering, almost gathering her thoughts. “Alright, I’m going to tell you this because you are my best friend, not because you are Matt’s girlfriend.”

  “Okay.”

  “My dad drinks. It’s been like this since Mom died. Occasionally, he will get better. But he always ends up falling off.” I listened carefully. “Matt has always taken it really hard when Dad drinks. He won’t talk about it, to anyone. He just needs time. He takes a while to himself and then he comes back like normal and goes back to being all positive and stuff.”

  “He’s always done this?”

  She nodded. “Yeah, for a while now. It used to be…different.” She made it sound like a bad memory.

  “When he would hit stuff,” I finished for her.

  “He told you about that?” I said yes. “Wow.”

  “Didn’t think he would?”

  “Didn’t think he’d tell anyone.” She looked back at me surprised. “But that’s good though, he trusts you.” I felt more worried about him in that moment than I had all day. I didn’t want him to shut me out. I wanted to help. “Don’t worry too much about it, Becka.” She smiled at me reassuringly. “He always comes back.”

  Dani and I hung out until Mom came back from the store with Rhylie. It was nice to spend time with her again. I saw her on Fridays, but I was so wrapped up in Matt, Dani got the short end of the stick. We sat on the couch and watched bad reality TV, laughing and mimicking the terrible people we watched. Though it was momentary, it took my mind away from my worries.

  “I have to tell you something,” Dani announced.

  “Okay?” With everything she told me about Matt, I didn’t know what else to expect.

  “I didn’t come over for Thanksgiving because of my dad.” She twiddled her thumbs in her lap. “He drinks a lot during the holidays, sad that my mom isn’t here. I knew he was going to get drunk, no matter where he was. I didn’t want you guys to see that.”

  It all made sense now, why she was acting so weird. “Okay.”

  “I really wanted to tell you, but I wasn’t sure if Matt was going to tell you, I felt kind of stuck in the middle. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.”

  “You don’t have to be sorry,” I nudged her with my elbow. “We all have stuff. Don’t worry about it.” I was glad she told me; I was glad we had trust.

  “Dani!” Rhylie came barreling through the door, dropping the bags she had in her hands to rush into Dani.

  “What’s up, Rhylie?” Dani scooped up Rhylie’s tiny body and held her in her arms. “Are you excited for the best movie night ever?”

  “I’m so excited! And look! I got my cast off!” She waved her tiny arm in the air.

  “It looks great!”

  Rhylie spun her head around the room and immediately frowned. “Where’s James? And Matt?”

  “James couldn’t come,” Dani pouted. “But Matt should be here later, he had to take care of a couple of things.” This was news to me, but at least it pleased Rhylie.

  “Okay!” She hopped down from Dani’s arms and came running to me. “Can we dance?”

  I laughed. “Let’s help Mom first, then we can dance.”

  “Yes!” She raced back outside to get the rest of the bags and unpacked them as quickly as she could.

  “So, what is the plan for the evening?” Mom asked once everything was put away.

  “Dancing!” Rhylie hollered.

  “And cookies and movies,” Dani finished.

  “Sounds fun.” She kissed the top of Rhylie’s head. “I’ll be in the studio, let me know if you need anything.” And just like that, it was time to party.

  I turned on a playlist that was nothing but dance music. Dani had Rhylie up on a chair, showing her the ingredients to pour in the bowl for the cookies. Rhylie was doing more eating and dancing than stirring, but it was great to see her having so much fun.

  As Dani and Bug rolled out the dough, I sat and watched them with a smile. There was something about just hanging out with friends and listening to music. I listened to music a lot, but this time it was different. I was feeling it too.

  My music abruptly came to an end, completely catching me off-guard. I turned toward the speaker and found my boyfriend holding my phone in his hands.

  “Matt!” Rhylie vaulted off the chair straight for Matt, not stopping until her cookie dough covered hands were around his neck.

  “Rhylie!” he yelled back, holding her tight in his arms.

  “You’re here! Look! I got my cast off!”

  “I see that! It looks much better.”

  “Do you want to bake cookies with us?”

  He nodded greatly. “Absolutely, but would it be okay if I danced with Becka first?”

  Rhylie made a face like she smelled poop. “You guys are going to dance?”

  “I hope so,” he looked back at me, almost nervously.

  “You guys are weird.” She hopped out of his arms and returned to the kitchen, back on her chair like nothing happened. I couldn’t take my eyes off him.
The smooth tones of our song began to play.

  “Hi,” he said softly as he came toward me.

  “Hi.”

  “Will you dance with me?”

  “Of course.”

  Matt took his hand in mine and I felt like I was home. He slid one hand on my lower back and enlaced our fingers in the other. I put my hand around his shoulder and leaned into his chest, feeling better than I had all day. His head rested on mine and he took me away with his steps. I closed my eyes and breathed him in. I didn’t care about anything else, I just wanted to be there with him.

  “We can just stay here in this minute; lose all track of time. Let the world spin on without us for a while,” he sang so quietly to me but so sweetly, I could feel it in my toes. He held me in his arms and swayed with me, making me the happiest girl in the world. The feelings I felt for him the night before were back. I knew I would do anything to be with him. This might just be love. “Cause’ I want to get wrapped up in your love; so baby, let's just stay here tonight, tonight.” He stepped out and spun me. It was heaven.

  “I’m sorry,” he whispered, holding me closer.

  “Stop.” I wasn’t about to hear apologies. That was the last thing on my mind. I just wanted to enjoy our song. He held me so close like he would never let me go. He didn’t have to say anything, I already believed him.

  Matt took his hands from me and put them on the sides of my face, looking back at me so intensely I couldn’t get enough. I grabbed the front of his shirt and pulled him to me, matching his thoughts. We kissed. But it was different. I kissed him here because I thought I had lost him, and I realized I would do anything in this world to get him back.

  “Boo!” Dani and Rhylie were objecting from the kitchen.

  We laughed through the kiss, but it didn’t change anything, we needed this moment.

  “I missed you,” Matt spoke on my lips.

  “I missed you too.”

  Matt wrapped his arms around my neck and pulled me into him, resting his head on top of mine, letting me smell him closely. I could smell that scent for the rest of my life.

  “I would love to stay here and kiss you all night, but I think our sisters might kill me if I don’t make some cookies.”

  We both laughed before he kissed the top of my head and went toward our sisters, each of us feeling complete once again.

  As it turned out, Matt was quite the baker. He kicked Dani out of the kitchen and took over, teaching Rhylie along the way. His surprises never seemed to end.

  While the cookies were in the oven, the first movie of the evening was Frozen. Shocker. Rhylie insisted on showing Dani and Matt that it was just like us because it is about sisters. I thanked all the higher powers for my friends. I didn’t expect them to sit through it, but Dani sang along with Rhylie, and Matt paid close attention each time Rhylie yelled “Matt, watch this!” They were amazing.

  While Dani and Rhylie were singing their lungs out, the doorbell rang with the pizza. Matt jumped before I could, already trying to pay. He knew I hated it when he paid for stuff, but I think that’s why he did it. When he opened the door, he had a look on his face.

  “Hey, what’s up bro?” Matt said with a cocky smile.

  Bro? Did he just say bro?

  I got up to see for myself who was at the door. And low and behold, it was Aiden. He was wearing a bright red hat and a matching shirt that read North End Pizza. He also had a wicked fat lip, courtesy of Matt. Even after four days it still looked fresh.

  Aiden glared at Matt before pulling out two pizzas from his bag. “$26.50.”

  “How you been, bro?” Matt asked again. He sounded pretty convincing. “How long you been working here?”

  “A while, I guess.” Aiden nodded over at me. “What are you guys doing tonight?”

  “Oh, you know,” Matt slid his arm around my waist and pulled me into him, balancing the pizzas in the other. I knew what he was doing, and I loved it. “The usual.”

  I heard Aiden about to say something, but I didn’t pay attention. I turned Matt’s face to me and kissed him hard. I don’t know if he saw it coming but he got right into it, kissing me back just as rough. I slammed the door shut, never leaving Matt’s lips but leaving Aiden alone like he left me.

  I desperately wanted Matt to put the pizzas down and keep kissing me like that, but life didn’t work that way.

  “STOP KISSING!” The sisters screamed from the living room. Along with the hollers came flying couch pillows.

  “Alright, alright!” Matt tried to block the pillows with the pizza and direct himself to the kitchen. “Rhylie, come get pizza,” he yelled for her and she came running. I was still stuck at the door, unable to take my eyes off him.

  “Earth to Becka,” Dani came to me, wrapping her arm around mine. “Snap out of it.”

  “I can’t,” I whispered to her. “I most definitely cannot.” I tried to stop smiling but then I would look at Matt again and it was back in a flash.

  Dani looked at me and back at her brother. “Is this what I think it is?” She put her head on my shoulder so we both were staring at Matt. “Is this what falling in love with my brother looks like?”

  “No…this is what fell looks like.” I couldn’t believe I said it aloud, but I knew I meant it more than anything.

  “Really?” she squealed. “Like really?” She threw her arms around me and hugged me. “Does he know? Have you told him?” She was jumping with questions. “Did you guys have sex last night?”

  “I hope he knows, I have not told him, and no we didn’t. The thing with your dad…”

  “Right,” she stuttered but snapped out of it quickly. “Well go tell him!” She tried to push me.

  I laughed. “Dani, don’t push. It will happen on its own.”

  “You said that about being his girlfriend.”

  “And it worked didn’t it.” I looped my arm back with hers. “Don’t worry, I’ll tell him.”

  We ate pizza and finished Frozen, beyond ready for the next movie. Dani and Rhylie were sprawled out on the big couch, enjoying every second together. Matt and I shared the love seat, my head on his shoulder.

  “Becka?” I turned around and Mom was standing behind the couch. “Could you come here for a second?” She walked back to the kitchen, wanting me to follow. I squeezed Matt’s hand in mine one last time before letting go. Mom was leaned up against the sink, looking back at me strangely.

  “What’s up?”

  “You okay?”

  “Me?” I was confused. “Yeah, I’m great. Why?”

  She gave me a mom look. “You were weird all day.”

  I knew she would notice no matter how hard I tried. “Matt had some stuff going on today and I was worried about him. That’s all.” She kept staring at me. “That’s it, I promise.”

  She nodded. “Okay, I just want to make sure. You were over there last night and then you came home weird. I have to make sure nothing happened.”

  I knew now she was referring to sex. “Not like that, I promise.”

  She looked back at him in the living room, her facial expression going soft. “You love him, don’t you?”

  I looked over at him, the movie flashing over his perfect face and butterflies invaded my stomach. “I do, Mom. I really do.”

  She held her hand in mine and smiled. “I thought so. He’s good for you.”

  “I think I’m good for him too.”

  She let go of my hand and took a big deep breath. “Alright, I’m going to try and be a cool mom.”

  “I have no idea what that means,” I laughed.

  “He can stay the night.”

  “What?”

  “If he would like to stay, he can stay.”

  I grinned at her. “Total cool mom points.” I hugged her harder than she expected. “Thank you, Mom.”

  “You’re welcome.” She let go and looked back at me. “Just be careful. I want to be cool about this, but you still have to be responsible. No grandchildren created under my roof.
Or his roof.”

  “Yes, ma’am.” I saluted and everything. She was awesome.

  “I’m going upstairs. I’ll see you in the morning.” She kissed my cheek and gave me one last look before turning in for the night. Best mom ever.

  I curled back into Matt’s body, resting my head on his shoulder. He immediately enlaced his hand in mine and kissed it sweetly.

  “Would you like to sleepover?”

  His head turned to me confused. “What about your mom?”

  “She says if you want to stay you can stay.”

  He smiled. “Really?”

  “Is that a yes?”

  “Absolutely.”

  We continued watching movies for a while. Dani and Rhylie were so entranced by the movie they ignored us. He kissed me gently, and when no one booed, I was glad. I just wanted to be with him.

  “Becka?”

  “Yea?”

  “Can we go talk?” Matt looked nervous.

  “Sure.” I pulled him off the couch and led him to the dining room. The room was used more for laundry and my mom’s paintings, but it would give us the privacy we needed. I pulled out a chair to face him, but he directed himself toward the table. I knew this was going to be difficult for him, so I waited patiently. I didn’t want to push him. He never pushed me to say anything. I knew he would do it on his own time.

  “It was really hard when my mom died,” he began slowly, but he kept going through the stops. “I hated everything. I got mad all the time and I was never happy about anything.” He rubbed his hands together, trying to find the words. “I went and lived with my aunt for a while. Being with her didn’t help at first. I didn’t like how much she was like my mom when she was gone. But it got better. She helped me. The anger went away, I was getting better. But Dani was different. Dani was never angry. She was sad when I was angry and then she was better when I was sad. It hit me a lot harder than her. But we recovered.

  “My dad never did. When Mom died, he started drinking. We noticed it a little here and there, always having a beer in his hand. Then it changed from a beer to liquor. When I went to stay with my aunt, he said he would get better. And when I came back, he did good for a while. Staying home, making dinner, taking care of us. Then it wasn’t good anymore. He would stay home from work and drink all day, leaving Dani and me to take care of ourselves. And then we got old enough to stay home alone and he would take off, not coming back until the middle of the night, if at all. Just falling over, blackout drunk.” I didn’t touch him or move while he spoke, I didn’t want to spook him. If Dani was right and this wasn’t like him, I wasn’t about to do anything to stop him from talking.