I Go Where You Go

by Jaelyn Hardin

  “It was like Dani and I got better but he never did, which makes it impossible for us to move on.” His eyes got big with guilt. “I will always miss my mom. I love my mom.” I reached for his hand and held it in mine, hoping he knew I understood what he was trying to say. He took a breath before continuing. “It’s been almost eight years since my mom died and my dad can’t talk about her or look at a picture of her. His grief is out of control. So, he drinks. He thinks about her and he drinks until he can’t drink anymore. And he has left Dani and me to take care of him.” I held his hand in mine, rubbing his knuckles with my fingers while he tried to find words.

  “When we met, I told you I wanted to get out of here because it is a reminder of my mom’s death. But that’s not all of it.” He looked at me with the face from last night. I just wanted to wipe it away it was so sad. “I want to get away from my dad. I love him, and I feel bad for him, but it’s like he doesn’t want to get better. And that’s not fair to me. I shouldn’t have to take care of him.”

  I brought his hand to my lips and kissed it softly. There was nothing I was supposed to say, he wasn’t looking for advice. I think he just wanted to tell someone, finally.

  “I wanted my Friday with you,” he said quietly. “I wanted it so bad. It was all I could think about.”

  “I know.”

  “I was so mad at him today. He woke up all hungover and acted like nothing happened. I was so mad, Becka. I yelled at him, told him how selfish he is for doing what he’s doing. He apologized like he always does but it doesn’t matter. He never means it. He will just do it all over again.” He hung his head low. “I’m so sorry I asked you to leave. I’m so sorry.”

  “Stop it,” I rubbed the back of his neck. “You don’t have to be sorry.”

  “I’m so used to dealing with all of this on my own. I just…”

  “You were going to deal with it the only way you knew how.” I got it better than anyone. “It’s okay.”

  “No, it’s not.” He turned to me and clutched my hands in his. “You trusted me not to hurt you, and then I asked you to leave.”

  “Matt, stop it. I didn’t leave. You asked me to stay.” He moved his eyes from mine so I grabbed his chin and made him look at me. “You asked me to stay.”

  “You were about to walk away,” he was so quiet. “You were about to leave, and I realized the last thing I wanted was to be away from you. I only wanted you.”

  I held his face in my hands, ready to cry. “You know how you asked me to just be here with you?” He nodded in agreement. “I’m here. I go where you go.”

  “I’m so sorry.”

  “Will you stop apologizing?” I smiled to try and make him feel better. “I’m here. You have me.”

  “Okay.” He looked back at me with so much sincerity in those chocolate brown eyes; I could have melted.

  “Now come here.” I pulled his face toward me and kissed him softly, letting his lips form to mine. He strongly grabbed my waist, pulling me on his lap. He was going to be okay.

  Our kisses slowed down to a gentle rhythm, not trying to rush anything.

  “Are you okay?” I asked him.

  “I am now.” He kissed me again before looking back at me with a grin.

  “What?”

  “Do you still think this is crazy?”

  I nodded. “Absolutely.”

  He leaned in and kissed me again, just as slowly as before. “Do you want to hear something crazier?”

  “Should that excite me or scare me?”

  “Maybe both.” He squeezed my side again and pulled me into him, kissing me more. “So? Do you want to hear it?”

  I nodded. “I think I do.” My heart was racing.

  “You sure?” Matt leaned into my neck and kissed me softly, making me laugh.

  “Tell me!”

  Matt gazed into my eyes as he took the hair that fell over my face and laid it behind my ear. His fingers lightly caressed my cheek as his smile appeared. My heart was going a mile a minute. I knew it.

  “Becka,” he whispered. His mouth opened to speak, but I cut him off.

  “I love you too.”

  His eyes and smile grew three times their normal size. He pulled my face to his once more and kissed me again and again and again. I straddled him closely and ran my fingers through his hair. He looked back at me in a way that blew my mind.

  “Did you know I was going to tell you?”

  I shook my head. “No.” I gazed back at his face and traced his jawline with my fingers. “Not until right now.”

  “Now you know,” he stroked his fingers down my back and under my shirt, drawing lines on my skin.

  I leaned in close to him like I was going to put our lips together, but I stopped just before they touched. “Tell me,” I whispered. “Please.”

  He slid his hands farther up my back and squeezed. “I love you.”

  I slammed our lips together like if I didn’t, I wouldn’t be able to breathe. He was the first man to ever say those words to me, and I would never forget them.

  “When did you know?” he asked me when our lips calmed down.

  “Last night,” I whispered. I traced my fingers on his lips and memorized the pattern of his face. “I knew it was coming, but last night, the look on your face. I knew I would do anything to make you feel better. I knew I would do anything for you.” I watched his smile shine and my heart fluttered again. “What about you?”

  “Well, I knew it was coming when you would say things like that,” he grinned. “But I think it was last night too.” He pushed my hair out of my face again. “You were saying goodbye to me, and it hit me like a ton of bricks. The last thing I wanted was for you to walk away from me, ever. I needed you to stay with me.”

  “So, you held me.”

  “I needed you in my arms more than air in my lungs, Becka. And that has never happened to me before. Not just when I’m angry but ever. And I knew you were it.”

  “This is definitely crazy,” I smiled. “Beyond crazy.”

  “But it’s easy,” he added. “So easy it’s perfect.”

  With Matt’s fingertips dancing on my skin, I kissed him. I kissed him deeply and with so much love, I’d never been so happy.

  Once we went back in the living room, the credits of the movie were rolling up the screen. Dani and Rhylie were both fast asleep on the couch together, Dani’s mouth hanging open and a cookie in Rhylie’s hand. I went to bring Rhylie up to bed, but Matt stopped me.

  “Just leave her,” he whispered. “She’ll be fine.” He pulled me closer to him and wrapped his arms around me, letting me rest my head on his chest.

  “Do you want to go upstairs?”

  I nodded my head yes. He took my hand in his and we walked up the stairs together, feeling closer than we ever had. I slowly opened the door to my room and Matt sealed it shut behind him, beginning our night.

  Sixteen

  The strength of Matt’s arms squeezing around my body woke me up. We shared one side of the bed; my face smashed against his solid rock of a chest. I fluttered my eyes open to see where I was when I felt the like trickle of fingertips dancing on my back. And then a kiss was perfectly planted on the top of my head, telling me everything I needed to know. I planted a kiss on his chest before settling back down in his arms.

  “Good morning, Becks,” Matt whispered lightly.

  It felt too early to smile, but I did it anyway. “Hi.”

  “How did you sleep?” he asked, still rubbing my back under my/his shirt. The sensation of his skin on mine was something I don’t think I could ever get used to.

  “I’ll let you know when I’m done.”

  His whole body shook with laughter. “No more sleeping.”

  I sighed. “Can’t we just stay here?”

  “We can stay as long as you want, but I want you to be awake.”

  “So needy.”

  “Yeah, yeah, yeah.” He kissed the top of my head again, filling me with butterflies.


  “How did you sleep?” I asked.

  “Great, your bed is softer than mine.”

  “Really? I like your bed better.”

  “My bed is only good when you are in it with me.”

  We laid together for a while, neither of us speaking. Just our breathing matching perfectly. I focused on the touch of his fingertips climbing up and down my spine.

  “Are you okay?” he whispered. “Like really okay?”

  I looked back up at him, matching our eyes. “I’m great.”

  “I didn’t rush you or anything did I?”

  I smiled at his panic. I pulled his face down to me and kissed him deeply. “I wouldn’t have changed it for anything.”

  He squeezed me closer to him and put his lips on my lips. “I love you, Becks.”

  “I love you too.”

  We laid together for a while, just talking and being together. I hoped there would one day come a time when we could spend all day like this with no interruptions.

  “Can I ask you something?” I said sheepishly.

  “Of course.”

  “Who taught you to dance?”

  He shyly smiled, not expecting me to ask. “I’ll tell you, but don’t laugh at me.” I was suspicious but I agreed. “My Aunt Nicole.”

  “Really?” I couldn’t help but smile. “When was this?”

  “I think I was thirteen.” He ran a hand through his hair, replaying the memory. “There was a dance coming up and I was really nervous. I talked to my Aunt Nicole about it and she showed me how.”

  “That is so cute!” I beamed at him.

  “You said you wouldn’t laugh!”

  “I’m not laughing!” I protested. “I think it’s so sweet that you wanted to learn how to dance. Most boys don’t dance like you do.” That was a lie. No boy danced like he did. He danced like a grown man danced with a lady. It made me swoon just thinking about it.

  He shrugged like it was nothing. “Yea, well, I figured with how important music is to you, I could try to do something to make it better.”

  I sighed at his perfection. Was there anything this boy couldn’t do?

  “They are really excited to me you by the way. My aunt and uncle.”

  He dropped his words like they were just casual. They caught me off guard. “You told your aunt and uncle about me?”

  “Of course, I did!” He met his eyes to mine and made me believe him. “I talked about you so much. They’re both excited to meet you.”

  “Really?”

  “My aunt said she wants to see who is making me so happy.”

  My heart fluttered in my chest. “Okay.”

  “Oh, by the way, look what Dani sent me.” Matt reached over to my end table and grabbed his phone. He opened a text message and opened a picture of us dancing in my living room. The picture alone sent butterflies to my stomach. The picture showed Matt gently kissing my head as we danced, my eyes closed, and my head leaned against his chest. I fell in love all over again.

  “She’s like the paparazzi,” I laughed, staring deeply at the screen.

  “Can’t say I blame her, we look good.” Matt laughed, leaning close and kissing me on the cheek. “Definitely my new favorite picture.”

  “Good Morning!”

  Dani flung the door open and sang her way into the room, jumping on the bed and sitting next to me.

  “Hi Dani,” Matt and I said simultaneously.

  “It’s about time you guys woke up, Rhylie and I have already watched Frozen again.”

  “Damn, can’t believe we missed that,” Matt joked sarcastically, making me laugh.

  Dani got on her feet and started jumping. “Get! Out! Of! Bed!”

  “Alright, alright! We will be down in a minute,” I agreed.

  “Finally.” She jumped off the bed and went for the door. “By the way, I’m really happy for you guys.”

  No one noticed when Matt and I emerged from the staircase together. I thought someone would give us a look of suspicion, but it was just like any other morning. I hoped maybe one day it would be an everyday normal.

  Matt and Dani left after Mom made breakfast for everyone. I hated to see Matt go. It was almost like my heart was aching when he closed the door behind him. I had grown so close to him in such a short time.

  “What’s with the face?” Mom sat with me at the table once they had gone.

  “I miss him,” I whined.

  She choked out a laugh. “Becka, he just left.”

  “I know.” I knew I sounded ridiculous. “But I miss him.”

  “I take it last night went well?” she asked nonchalantly while sipping her coffee.

  I looked down at my hands and smiled to myself. “It was perfect.”

  “You really love him, huh?” She held her drink midair, looking back at me with wonder. “Like no joke, not a little bit, but full-on love?”

  I nodded with tears welling in my eyes. “He’s perfect.”

  Mom looked at me with a pity smile. “Becka, no one is perfect. You of all people should know that.”

  I laughed quietly. I knew she didn’t understand what I was saying. “I know. He’s just perfect for me.”

  It was such a relaxing Sunday; my brain was calmer than I think it had ever been. My college application and scholarship essay had been submitted, I was ahead on a lot of my homework and my grades were doing great. I found my independence somewhere in the mess I was in and rediscovered myself. And then there was Matt.

  Matt came into my life when I had no one in my corner (Dani aside). He didn’t push, he didn’t rush, and he didn’t pry. He let me take my time opening up to him and he made me feel safe. He made me feel safe enough to tell him the truth about everything, not just stuff I didn’t want to talk about regarding my past but the stuff I thought about randomly. All my crazy ideas about how things could go wrong, he calmed me and understood. He got it, and he wanted to stay.

  My phone dinged on my table, telling me there was an update on my profile. Matthew Murphy tagged you in a photo. I already knew what it was, but I still couldn’t stop myself from smiling. I clicked on the alert and the picture of Matt and me dancing came on my screen, in black and white this time. Matt captioned it Just me and my girl #iloveyou.

  Growing up, you think about falling in love. You think about how it will happen and where you will be when you finally say those three magic words. You picture your future and everything that entails. I didn’t imagine it like this. I didn’t think I’d still be in high school. I didn’t think I’d feel so deeply for someone so quickly. I’d been a skeptic my entire life. I never thought this was real. I’d see people saying I love you after a few months and judge, wondering if it’s real or if they are just saying it to say it. How can two people love each other already? But I stared at this picture and I knew I proved myself wrong, and Matt proved me wrong. Matt was different than anyone I’d ever met because he cared. He took the time to really care about me more than anyone else ever had. He cared what I was going through and what happened to me. He only wanted the best for me, and that is more than I ever had. That voice in the back of my head that whispered really? Love? Already? It won’t last, it can’t, I told her to piss off.

  I felt a shift in our relationship after that weekend. It was stronger and more real. I knew having sex would change things, but I hadn’t imagined like this. I didn’t really know what I expected, but I didn’t expect my love for Matt to be so solid.

  We were back to our routine, library in the morning before our classes began. I loved the first hour. It was a break from the high school dramatics, but it was also just a block of time that Matt and I got together each day. It was a check-in. I couldn’t have a bad day when it started with him.

  “I want to run something by you,” Matt brought up while we were studying. I was deep in history notes, trying to remember anything for our upcoming test.

  “What’s up?” I was grateful for the distraction.

  “Dani told my dad that we’re dating,”
he spoke slowly, gauging my reaction.

  “Was she not supposed to?”

  He shook his head. “It really didn’t matter, he just didn’t know. He thought you were just her friend, not my girlfriend.”

  “Okay?” I’m not sure where the problem lied.

  “So, he wants to take us out to dinner to get to know you better. At least that’s what he said.”

  I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to smile or not. “How dare he.”

  Matt smiled. “You know what I mean. I’m not sure what it’s about but he asked me this morning. Said Friday night.”

  “I have a meet on Friday, but I can meet you after.” I wasn’t seeing an issue with dinner, but the look on Matt’s face told me otherwise. “Do you not want me to be okay with it?”

  He fiddled with his pen, trying to think. “I think it’s nice of him, but I don’t think it’s going to go well. A public place with a bar, it just sounds bad.” It clicked for me than. He was worried about Michael’s drinking.

  “Remember that morning he met me? He was so polite and making sure everything was perfect for me. You don’t think he’d do the same at dinner?”

  Matt shrugged, looking down at the table. “I guess we’ll see.”

  “Hey,” I just needed him to look at me. “If you don’t want to do this, we don’t have to. I can be super tired after my track meet.”

  He smiled sweetly. “You really are the best.”

  “I don’t think it will be as bad as you think, but it’s your call.”

  He flipped his pen in and out of his fingers a few times before answering. “Okay, we can do it.”

  “I’ll be there.”

  School was stupid. I didn’t care much for it anymore. I loved seeing my people, but the idea of my future was way more exciting than my reality.