I Go Where You Go

by Jaelyn Hardin

  But just like that the door swung open and in came Matt with takeout bags and a to-go cup. The crisp smell of bacon hit my nose hard. Rocky jumped off the bed to smell the goodies. I watched with a smile as Matt tried to close the door as quietly as he could.

  “Hey, you.”

  Matt’s head flew up and his eyes popped open. “Damnit!” he bawled. “I was trying not to wake you.”

  I rolled my eyes. “I woke up like thirty seconds before you came in.”

  “How can a guy attempt to surprise his girlfriend with breakfast in bed if she won’t stay asleep?”

  “I’m still surprised!” I crawled to the end of the bed, trying to give him a kiss. “Thank you for breakfast.”

  “Of course.” He leaned into me and kissed me gently.

  When I came back from brushing my teeth, Matt had laid a blanket on the floor and displayed the breakfast and coffee like a picnic. My heart was fluttering in my chest.

  “Breakfast is served.” He presented the blanket in a grand fashion.

  We sat cross-legged on the blanket and ate waffles and bacon together. My hair was still all slept on, my shirt wrinkled from the sheets. Matt wore a sweater and shorts, but you could still sense sleep on his face. I hoped for more mornings like this in our future.

  “How did you sleep?” Matt asked me through waffle bites.

  I smiled greatly. “So good. I’m telling you I think your bed is better than mine.”

  He shook his head. “And I told you, my bed is only better when you’re in it with me.”

  “So magical this morning,” I smiled, loving the feelings he gave me.

  “I’m just happy, you know?” He sipped his orange juice. “Things are going really good. I have you, school is moving along, and I have college to look forward too. Things are good.”

  I was truly happy for his happiness. “I can’t argue with that.” Matt leaned over the food and kissed me slowly. It felt like heaven. But when we pulled back from the kiss, the first thing that came into my mind was the envelope that was smashed into the bottom of my backpack.

  “And the crease is back.” He poked a finger to my forehead. “What’s up?”

  I sighed loudly. I knew I couldn’t ignore it any longer. “I have something to show you.”

  Matt’s eyebrows crinkled, giving him his own crease. “Okay?”

  I got up from our picnic and dug through my bag until I felt the stiff paper on my fingertips. I pulled it out and stared at it, still unsure if I wanted to open it. I sat back down on the blanket and handed it to Matt. His fingers slipped around the stiff envelope with a green stamp in the corner, representing the state university.

  “What?” Matt looked up and stared at me in shock. “When did you get this?”

  “I got it in the mail yesterday.”

  “And you didn’t tell me!”

  I laughed at his dramatics. “I wasn’t going to open it without you anyway.”

  “But we could’ve known yesterday!”

  I shrugged. “I wasn’t ready to open it.”

  He shook his head with a smile. “Come here.” I sat in his lap, letting him put his arms around my body, kissing my cheek. We both stared down at the envelope. “Here, your turn.”

  I held the letter in my hands, feeling nervous. I didn’t want to open it without him there, but now that it was time, I didn’t want to open it at all.

  “What if I don’t get in?”

  He shook his head vigorously. “Don’t even start. Get out of your head and open it.” He placed his lips on my temple. “You got this.”

  He was right. There was no reason to panic. Whatever was about to happen, I couldn’t do anything about it now. All I could do was read. I tore the envelope open and unfolded the crisp cardstock. My eyes immediately directed themselves to the bold print.

  “I got in.”

  “WOO!” Matt tackled me down on the floor in what I can only imagine as the world’s greatest bear hug. A manly yell came out of his throat along with the hug, making my smile ache with joy. “I KNEW YOU COULD DO IT!” he yelled in my ear, still in tackle mode.

  “Thanks, Matt.” I couldn’t match his enthusiasm, but I was happy. I applied to State before I really made an effort to get my grades up. Plus, it was my safety school, my just in case. This was good. This was really good.

  Matt hovered his body over me and kissed me deeply. “I’m so proud of you, Becks.”

  “Thank you.”

  “One down, one to go.” He smiled encouragingly. “Soon enough it will be you and me, headed to Barnett and moving forward.”

  My heart started beating quickly. That scared me. I wanted our future so badly but going with him wasn’t guaranteed. And that was scarier than I could handle.

  “Don’t get too excited,” I tried to joke. “I still have to get accepted.”

  He rolled his eyes. “I’m not even worried about it. Me and you, Becks. Me and you.” He kissed me again, trying to make me more positive, but it didn’t work. It worried me more. What if I didn’t get in? How was he going to handle it? He was so sure nothing would go wrong, but what happened if it did?

  Matt left to go take a shower, and I took my chance to find Dani. My brain was going in a thousand different directions and I needed someone to just shake it for me. Dani was that person.

  I opened her door and found her lying in her bed, her phone held over her face.

  “Hey,” I said abruptly, closing the door behind me.

  “Morning sunshine,” she continued to look through her phone. “What’s up?”

  “I just need some you time.”

  Her eyes squinted at me past her phone. “What’s going on?”

  “I’m really frustrated about some things.” I fell back on her bed, staring at the paint splatter she managed to get on the ceiling.

  “Like?” I heard the curiosity in her voice.

  “I’m worried that I’m not going to get into school. Like, I’m sure it’s just anxiety and paranoia, but Matt is so confident that I’m going to get in, he won’t even entertain the idea that I might not, and that scares the hell out of me. What’s going to happen if I don’t get in? How is he going to react?”

  She dropped her phone and leaned up to look at me. “I think he’s just trying to be optimistic. You know how bad he wants to leave; he just wants you to go there with him.”

  I covered my face with my hands. “I get that, but I need him to see the reality that I might not. He won’t talk about it or even acknowledge it when I say it. It’s like it doesn’t exist.”

  “Because a future without you doesn’t exist for him, Becka,” she pleaded with me. “He loves you so much that he is unwilling to think of a future without you.” That shook me. “He is thinking of the best possible outcome in his future, and that involves you, dude.”

  I didn’t know what to say. If that was true, then wow.

  “Becka?” She grabbed my arm and shook me.

  “I’m here, just thinking.”

  She laid her body down next to me and held my hand. “I have no doubt that studying and waiting for your letters is stressful and feeling like you aren’t being heard is stressful too, but he’s not trying to ignore you, he is just thinking of the best-case scenario. You can’t blame him for that.”

  “Yeah, you’re right.” I squeezed her hand tightly. “And it’s letter, by the way. Singular, not plural.”

  She turned to stare at me again, eyebrows furrowed. “What do you mean?”

  “I got into State.”

  “Dude!” She hopped onto her feet and jumped on the bed, bouncing herself and me spastically. “Congratulations!”

  My body was bouncing like popcorn in a microwave. “Thanks.”

  She stopped jumping and sat back down, full of smiles. “When did you find out?”

  “Like twenty minutes ago.”

  Her eyes got wide. “Oh! That makes sense. I thought I heard sex noises. It was congratulatory sex.”

  “Dani!” I
covered my face again, trying to hide my blush. “Why do you have to make it so embarrassing?”

  She laughed. “I’m just saying, you two go at it like bunnies.”

  I took a pillow and attempted suffocation. “Please, for the love of God, stop.”

  “Okay, okay.” She took my suffocation pillow and hit me with it. “But for real, are you okay?”

  I nodded. “Yeah, I’m okay. I get it now, why he’s like this.”

  “It’s because he loves you,” she sang to me, trying to pinch my cheeks at the same time.

  “Yeah, yeah, yeah.” I knew she was right. It made sense, I just needed to accept the way he was about things. “I still have to tell Rhylie soon.”

  Dani inhaled quickly. “Ouch, that sucks.”

  “I’m not spending a lot of time with her. She notices and so does my mom. And I know it’s true, I just don’t have time. I’m trying to get my grades perfect for this semester and I just feel so busy. But I know that if I get to leave, she won’t see me pretty much at all, so I know I have to make an effort, I just don’t want to tell her.”

  Dani thought for a minute before helping. “You know what you have to do, you just don’t want to. And I wouldn’t want to either. That girl is amazing and upsetting her is heartbreaking. But she needs to know so she is prepared for when it comes.”

  “Any advice on how to tell her?”

  “She’s smart, just tell her the truth and she’ll be okay. Maybe not right away, but she will be. You guys bounce back fast.”

  “Thank you, Dani. I really needed to talk to you.”

  “Of course, Becka. I miss you too, you know.”

  “Don’t make me feel worse!” I joked.

  “I’m just saying, you could spend some time with your best friend every now and then too.”

  Damn, I was slacking, not just with Rhylie but with Dani too. “Then what about today? Girls day?”

  Her eyes went wide. “For real? Will you survive a day not attached to Matt?” She hit me with a pillow, making me laugh.

  “I guess we’ll find out.” I grabbed the pillow from her grasp and hit her in the face, watching her dreads spin in the air. There was a reason she was my best friend.

  Finals week came and went, and I was beyond happy to be done with it. I felt strongly about all my tests and was just relieved everything was over. I had three weeks of Christmas break to spend with my favorite people and that was all I was focused on.

  Before any of my festivities could begin, I needed to tell Rhylie about college. I had been stalling, but I promised myself I would talk to her once school was done. I couldn’t focus on her and school at the same time and she deserved all my attention for this. I wanted to wait a while before telling her, but I figured the more time she had to process everything the better. I told Mom I would pick Rhylie up after school and take her out for a while before I broke my news. I didn’t know how she was going to react, but I was hoping for the best.

  I picked her up after school and she was so excited to see me. She yelled to all of her friends “Guys! My sister is here!” before she jumped into my arms.

  “Hey, Bug.” I hugged her tightly.

  “Where’s Mom?”

  “She’s at home. I wanted to pick you up today. I’m all done with my tests!”

  “You can play with me now?”

  “You bet I can. Let’s go.” She held onto my hand and followed me to my car. So far, so good.

  One thing about Rhylie was that just like Mom, she loved art. I took her to one of those pottery places where you can paint something. We walked in and she was super excited.

  “I can pick anything I want?” she asked the lady helping us.

  “Absolutely, you pick one and paint it however you like. And then when it dries you can take it home.”

  “Cool.” She smiled before setting off to the shelves lined with sculptures. I found a figurine of a rose that I really liked, figured I’d go with that. She searched for about ten minutes before she came back with an owl and a huge smile on her face.

  “That’s the one you want?”

  She nodded aggressively. “It’s an owl!”

  The nice lady set us up at a small table with all the paints I think she had in the store. Rhylie was very careful to only use certain colors, treating her owl with the utmost care. She was quiet for the most part, but I could tell she was enjoying herself.

  After they were painted and put in a giant oven to dry, we left hand in hand with our new paintings in a bag.

  “Where are we going now?” she asked.

  “Are you hungry?”

  She nodded again. “Can we get pizza?”

  “Sure.”

  “Did you know that Matt loves pizza?”

  “I did know that.”

  “It’s his favorite food. He told me that.”

  “What else did he tell you?”

  “He said it’s the best food ever because you can get so many different kinds that are all special.”

  I couldn’t help but laugh, thinking about my boyfriend and his love for pizza. “What’s your favorite kind of pizza, Bug?”

  She thought deeply for a minute as we got in the car. “I don’t think I have one yet.”

  “Yet?”

  “Well, Matt says there are so many different kinds, maybe I just haven’t had my favorite kind yet.”

  Again, she blew me away.

  We made it to the diner and Rhylie was crushing her pizza, wiggling in her seat as she ate it. I loved seeing her so happy, and I didn’t want to ruin it, but I had to tell her. It was now or never.

  “So, Bug, you know how I’ve been studying so much for school?”

  She nodded. “For your tests.”

  “Yea, and if I get good grades on the tests, I’ll get better grades in my classes. And that’s what I need so I can get into college.”

  “Like Ryan?” she asked as she took another bite.

  “That’s right. If I get good enough grades, next year when you go to third grade, I will get to go to college.” I took a deep breath. Here it goes. “And when I go to college, I might live at home like Ryan does, or I might move away.”

  She looked at me quizzically, her ponytail swinging with her head tilt. “Move where?”

  “Not far from here, just a few hours away.”

  “Why can’t you just stay home? Ryan stays home.”

  “I know Ryan stays home, but the college that is a few hours away is a good school, and I’ll learn a lot.”

  “Can’t you still learn here?” She was getting upset, I could see it in her eyes.

  I nodded. “I can, but I can learn more if I move.”

  She looked down at her pizza and thought deeply. Her eyes looked back at me and pierced my heart they were so sad. “Do you want to move?”

  “I don’t want to move away from you, or Mom, or Ryan. But if the college says I’m allowed to go there, then I have to move.”

  “What about Dani and James and Matt? Will you miss them too?”

  I nodded hugely. “Of course, I’ll miss Dani and James.”

  “What about Matt?”

  Here it goes. “Matt will be going with me.”

  Her eyes got bigger. “What? Why?”

  “The college said yes to Matt, so Matt will be going there too.”

  She stared back at me in disbelief. She shoved her plate of pizza at me and sat back in the booth with her arms across her tiny chest, glaring at the floor. “You broke your promise.”

  “What promise?”

  “You said you wouldn’t pick Matt over me. You promised. You lied.” She was so upset; I was trying my very best to stay calm.

  “It’s not like that.”

  “You pinky promised!” She got louder.

  “And I meant that pinky promise. But there is more to it.” Rhylie was looking only at the floor, not listening to anything I had to say. I rubbed my hands over my face and tried to focus. “Bug, do you remember Ashleigh? Do you remember how me
an to me she was all the time?” She nodded, but still with slits for eyes. “If I stay here like Ryan does, Ashleigh and her friends will still be mean to me all the time.”

  “So? Make them move,” she grunted.

  “You know I can’t do that.”

  “It’s not fair!”

  “I know, I’m sorry.”

  “I don’t like Matt anymore.”

  That hurt deeper than anything else. “Don’t say that.”

  “You want to live with him and not with me. He said he wouldn’t take you away. He’s a liar, just like you!” She was getting so worked up, I was surprised she hadn’t cried yet.

  “Rhylie, stop it.”

  “I don’t like him, and I don’t like you!” She jumped from the booth and ran straight for the door.

  “Rhylie!” I screamed for her before chasing her out of the diner. She ran out into the busy parking lot right in front of a large SUV. It slammed on its brakes and came face to face with my sister, just barely missing her tiny body.

  I grabbed her by the arm and pulled her to me, letting the traffic commence. “Rhylie!” I yelled again. “What are you doing? You can’t do that!”

  Rhylie looked around frantically and started to cry. She looked deep in my eyes and quickly wrapped her arms around my neck and cried hysterically. “Please don’t go, Becka. Please don’t go.” She wouldn’t stop saying the same words and breaking my heart each time.

  She cried and cried while I paid for our pizza and put her in the car. She cried for most of the ride home, but when she stopped it was only because she fell asleep. I took that time to cry as softly as possible. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt anyone, especially my sister, but even that happened. Things just weren’t going as planned and I was starting to panic.

  I dropped Rhylie off at home, putting her in her bed and telling mom I would be back later. I couldn’t be in the house. I just needed to clear my head and I needed someone to help me do it.

  Me: Hey, are you off work yet?

  Matt: Walking out right now. What’s up?

  Me: Can we meet at our spot?

  Matt: Of course. Everything okay?

  Me: I just need to see you.

  Matt: I’m on my way