I Go Where You Go

by Jaelyn Hardin

  It was like a movie. Everyone around us gasped at the same time.

  “This is why,” Madison said, pointing at everyone around us who was now staring at her stomach. “It’s not your business, or anyone else’s.”

  “You made it Becka’s business.” Ashleigh crossed her arms over her chest, glaring at both of us. I think she was just trying to hide her shock.

  Madison nodded. “She’s been more supportive than you have ever been in your entire life.”

  Ashleigh looked surprised, but she tried not to show it. “So, what are you going to do with it?”

  I answered for her, shaking my head with a smile. “Again, not your business.” I looped my arm through Madison’s and took her to my table.

  “Hey guys,” I announced as we sat down. Madison looked nervous, unsure if she should be there. “Dani and James, this is Madison.”

  “Hi,” she spoke softly.

  “Hey,” James nodded.

  “You’ve moved from the dark side,” Dani said, confused at her arrival. “What brought that on?”

  “Football players don’t like it when you refuse to abort their baby.”

  Dani’s eyes were large with surprise, not suspecting to hear that at all.

  “Wow!” she coughed out. She looked back at me, unsure of what to do. It’s okay, I mouthed to her, hoping she would be nice and accommodating like she was to me. “Well, alright then. Welcome.”

  “Thanks.” She took a sip of her water, not meeting anyone’s eyes. I felt for her. Everyone in the vicinity was staring, assuming the worst.

  We got back to normal conversation, each of us trying to include Madison when we could. It was awkward at first. They all knew how this girl used to help destroy me. But I was proud of them for trying. It meant a lot to me.

  “I’m proud of you,” Matt whispered in my ear, making me smile again. “It was very big of you to ask her to eat with us. Especially when everyone is talking about her.”

  “I know what it’s like to feel alone. She doesn’t deserve it, not anymore.” He closed the gap between us and kissed my cheek lightly. “I’m proud of you too, by the way.”

  “Why?”

  “For not hitting Aiden.”

  He shrugged. “I’m not gonna lie, I really wanted to. But I promised I wouldn’t ruin our future, so I tried to behave.”

  “I love you.”

  “I love you too.” He turned my face to his and kissed me sweetly.

  “Boo!” Both James and Dani threw napkins at us.

  “Why can’t you guys just accept our love?” I joked.

  “We could if you didn’t show us all the time!” James mumbled through his hands over his face. “I swear you guys kiss more than any couple, ever.”

  “Be careful, or you might end up like me.”

  Four sets of eyes turned to Madison in disbelief. Dani shot a hand over her mouth, unable to control her laughter. It wasn’t long before all of us were in hysterics.

  “It’s happening, I might as well joke about it.” Madison laughed with the rest of us.

  Matt and I sat at the kitchen table, doing our homework in peace. Dani had gone to the gym with James, saying she didn’t want to watch us be in love by herself. We were just a few hours away from movie night.

  “Would you mind getting my history book from my backpack?” Matt asked, writing quickly.

  “Sure.” I rifled through his bag until I found the right one. When I pulled it from the bag, a different paper came out with it, slowly drifting to the ground. I picked it up, about to shove it back in his bag when I realized what it was. I held the letter from his dad, still unopened. It had been nearly two weeks since we’d seen Michael. I knew he was taking his time, but why hadn’t he opened it yet?

  “Did you find it?” he yelled over to me. “I know my backpack is a mess right now.”

  I cleared my throat. “Yeah…I got it.” I brought him the book, still unable to put the letter down. “Here,” I handed it to him.

  “Thanks, Becks.” He looked back at me, confused by my face. “You okay?”

  I lifted the note from my side, not realizing I was now hiding it from him. He recognized it immediately, his face falling.

  “Why haven’t you read this yet?”

  “I don’t know, just haven’t.” He opened his book quickly, trying not to talk to me about it anymore.

  “Matt,” he still wouldn’t look at me. “Matt.”

  “What?” His voice was harsh.

  “Hey,” I said louder, trying to get his attention. I threw the letter down on the table between us. “Don’t shut me out.”

  He sighed and then spoke nicely. “I just don’t want to talk about it, okay?”

  “Okay.” I sat down and went back to my homework. I knew he wasn’t used to sharing, and I didn’t want to push him. I just had to give it time.

  We went back to roughly twenty minutes of silence before he spoke up. It was quiet, but I still heard it.

  “I don’t want to read it because then I’ll have to say something to him. And I don’t know what to say.” He never stopped writing as he spoke, not wanting to give this his full attention.

  “Reading the letter might give you an idea of what to say.” I wasn’t trying to sound aggressive, just trying to give him a counterargument.

  “Why does he even care what I have to say? He never cared before.”

  “Because you’re his son, and he wouldn’t have written the letter if he didn’t want to hear what you have to say.”

  More silence. We both knew I was right; he was just stubborn and wasn’t ready to let his dad in. I didn’t blame him. He had given his dad so many chances and was let down every time. It was more about trust than anything.

  I closed my books, packing up my things. I wrapped my arms around him and kissed the crook of his neck. “I just want you to think about it.” I kissed his cheek quickly. “I’m going to shower before James and Dani get here. I love you.”

  I showered thoroughly, washing off the day. The only thing I wanted was to eat pizza with my friends and wrap myself up in my boyfriend. The week was exhausting, and I was happy to relax.

  When I came out of the bathroom, I found Matt sitting on the edge of my bed. He held his dad’s letter in his hands, freshly opened. His eyes were lost, stuck in thought. I dressed quickly and sat next to him, wrapping myself around his arm.

  “He said he’s sorry,” Matt whispered, still looking at the paper. “He’s sorry for a lot of things. He wishes he could take a lot back, like not being there for me when I needed him. And he hopes that we can be close like we were when mom was alive.” He leaned his head against mine, shutting his eyes tightly. “He said how proud he is of me and who I’ve become, especially since he had nothing to do with it and he knows it.” He wiped his eyes with his fingers, more emotional than I thought he would be. “I still don’t know what to say to him.” I lifted the letter and tossed it next to us. “I thought I would read it and know what to say, but I still have no idea.”

  “You weren’t gonna know what to say until you heard him first. Now you can think.” I held his hand tightly in mine, not wanting him to feel alone.

  “Thank you for telling me to read it.”

  “I didn’t want to force you, but I thought it was best.” I brought his hand to mine and kissed it. “You’ll know what to say eventually, I know you will. But please don’t stress about it too much tonight.”

  He nodded, looking back at me. “I won’t, I promise. I don’t want to ruin movie night.”

  “Just be here with me.”

  He leaned down and kissed my forehead, making us both calm down. “I go where you go.”

  Movie night was great. We watched a handful of comedies, some Rhylie appropriate and some not. We sat and we laughed, enjoying another Friday night together. Matt kept his promise. It took him a minute to settle down from the letter, but he was my Matt all night. He joked with everyone and held me in his arms, sneaking kisses down my neck
when no one was looking. These nights were my favorite.

  I was dead asleep on the couch, warm from the blankets and Matt’s arms holding me close when my body started shaking. I opened my eyes a smidge to see Matt staring down at me.

  “Becks, wake up,” he whispered. I groaned out a sound, making him shake me more. “Becks,” he whispered again.

  “Hmm,” I groaned, trying to pull the blanket over my head.

  “I know what I want to say to my dad.”

  I tried to open my eyes a little more, just to see if he was serious. And he was. “Okay, that’s good.”

  “I haven’t been able to sleep. I’ve just been thinking about what to say to him. And I think I know now.”

  “That’s good, Matt. That’s really good.” I nestled my head back in his chest, trying to find the sleep I once had.

  “I want to go tell him,” he said sternly.

  “Okay, we can go in the morning.”

  “No, I think I need to go now.” That woke me up.

  “Now?” He was insane. I reached for my phone off the table, trying to find the time. “Matt, it’s three in the morning.”

  “I know. But if I don’t go now, I don’t know that I will in the morning.”

  I stared back at him in disbelief. “You’re serious?”

  He nodded. “I think I have to do this.”

  I ran my hand through my hair, not sure I was totally comprehending what was going on. But he seemed determined, there was no stopping him. “Okay.”

  “Will you come with me?” Now I knew I wasn’t comprehending. “I can’t do this without you. I wouldn’t have gone to see him or read that letter without you. I need you with me, please.”

  He was good. No matter how tired I was, there was no way I would be able to say no to him. I wiped my hands over my face, trying to wake up.

  “We are going to need to stop and get coffee.”

  He pushed me back down on the pillow, kissing me deeply. “Thank you so much.”

  “Thank me after coffee.”

  We changed into jeans and hoodies and left a note for everyone to read in the morning when they realized we were gone. We took our time saying goodbye to Rocky who was very upset at our abrupt departure. But it wasn’t long before we were in the car, stopping to get gas and coffee and then turning down the freeway for our long drive.

  Matt drove smoothly, not looking tired at all. I sipped my coffee quietly, just trying to take it all in. One moment I was asleep and the next I was in a car. The things I did for this man.

  “You can go back to sleep if you want,” Matt told me. “I can wake you up when we get there.”

  “I don’t want you to drive by yourself. You might fall asleep at the wheel.”

  “Trust me, I’m wired. I won’t fall asleep.” He reached for my hand, kissing it softly and holding it in his. “Go ahead, get some sleep. You’re cranky when you don’t get enough sleep.”

  “I’m too tired to fight you.” I leaned my seat back and curled up in his sweater, taking his advice.

  I woke up when the car slowed to a stop. I looked out the window and I saw the same wooden building with tall glass windows.

  “Morning sleepy.” I met his smile once again. I tried to wipe the sleep from my eyes, but I was failing.

  “What time is it?” The sun was coming soon, but it hadn’t quite risen.

  “Almost seven, we still have some time before we can go in.” He leaned his seat back trying to get comfortable. “You can get some more sleep if you want.”

  “Can you lay with me this time?” I sighed.

  He grinned, his cheeks meeting his tired eyes. “Scoot over.” He climbed into the passenger seat, letting me curl up on his lap. His arms wrapped around me, making my heartbeat match his. “Better?”

  “Better.” And we drifted off again.

  I woke up before him, the sun shining brightly on us through the window. It was nearly eight-thirty, we would be allowed to go in. I looked up at his sleeping face, not wanting to wake him. I didn’t want this to go badly for him. He had been through so much with his dad, I was praying for this to go well. It had to.

  I traced my fingers along his jawline, knowing his eyes would pop open. And they did, bringing a light smile to his face.

  “I love waking up to you.” He removed my hands from his face and kissed my palm. “It never gets old.”

  “I hate mornings, but if you keep talking to me like that, I might just start to like them.” I hugged him tightly, never wanting to let him go. “It’s just after eight-thirty. We can go in now.” He nodded quickly, looking out into the distance. “Are you good to do this?”

  “Yeah, I think I am.”

  We walked inside hand in hand. The same pretty blonde girl sat at the front desk, already typing on the computer.

  “Good morning,” she chirped to us. “How can I help you?”

  Matt cleared his throat, nervous again. “We’re here to see Michael Murphy.”

  “Okay, let me see…” She typed on the computer, clicking at something. “He doesn’t have any visitations scheduled today.”

  “Yeah, we aren’t scheduled for anything. We just wanted to come and see him…if that’s okay.” Matt squeezed my hand again.

  “Okay, do you know who his doctor is here at the center?”

  “Amelia Gallagher,” I spoke clearly, knowing very well Matt didn’t remember her name.

  “Perfect, I’ll page her and see what we can do. You guys can have a seat.”

  “Thank you.” We sat awkwardly on the couch. I was very aware of how messy we looked, bedhead to the extreme. But we were here for more important matters. Michael would be so happy to see Matt, regardless if his shirt was wrinkled.

  It wasn’t long before we heard the familiar click of her heels come across the tile. Amelia looked put together again, wearing gray wide-leg pants and a silk white long sleeve top. Her hair was topped on her head this time in the world’s most perfect bun.

  “Well, this is a surprise.” She reached out her hand, shaking ours with a smile.

  “We were wondering if I could see my dad,” Matt told her.

  She nodded. “I figured that’s why you were here.”

  “I know we should’ve called, let someone know we were coming, but it just kind of happened,” he explained.

  “What happened exactly?” She studied his face, going full therapist mode.

  “I read his letter. It took a long time to read it and to know what to say, but I know now.” He squeezed my hand again. I was so proud of him. He was being so strong. “Is there any way I can see him?”

  She smiled softly, making you feel warm almost. “Yeah, I think that would be alright.” Matt let out a sigh of relief. “But I have to ask, and I mean no disrespect to either of you,” she held her hands up, hoping we would understand. “But having this talk with your dad can be pretty serious. It’s a time to be honest and vulnerable and just let it all out.”

  “Okay…” He was still unsure of where this was going.

  “So, I have to ask, Matt, do you want to do this on your own, or do you want Becka to join us?” She looked curious. “And again, I don’t mean any disrespect to either of you, I just want the best outcome for this, and if you would rather talk by yourself, it’s up to you.” She looked back at me this time. “You understand where I’m coming from, right Becka?”

  I nodded quickly. I knew exactly what she was saying. I tugged on his arm, gathering his attention. “If you need to do this on your own, it’s okay. I promise.”

  He reached for my hand and held it tightly. “No. Not an option.” He turned to Amelia and spoke firmly. “I have a habit of shutting down when things get hard. I shut down and I push people away until I’m ready. I promised I wouldn’t do it to Becka, I did it anyway, and I would rather die than do it again. So no, I don’t want to do this on my own.”

  I looked at him with disbelief in my eyes. I hadn’t for one second thought I was about to be a part of this
dynamic. But here was Matt, showing me once again how much he cared.

  “Alright then,” Amelia pointed down the hallway, trying to hide her impressed smile. “This way.”

  We followed the clicks of her heels down a long hallway until she opened a door to her office. Two of the walls were complete windows, showing the most breathtaking view of the forest. Dew was still on the grass and the pine trees were crazy tall. I could get lost in those woods in the best way possible.

  “I’ll be right back, make yourselves comfortable. Would either of you like some coffee?”

  “Yes, please,” I groaned loudly, making both Matt and Dr. Amelia laugh. She closed the door softly, leaving us in her solitude. Matt and I waited in two of the four leather armchairs the room supplied. I looked around the room to take everything in, but I couldn’t help but notice Matt: head down, veins protruding from his hands that were being rubbed together fiercely. It was a stretch, but I reached and took his hand in mine. “Hey, you okay?”

  “Just nervous.”

  “It’ll be okay. Just be honest.” I needed to brighten the mood a little, try to calm him down. “Can I have an office like this in our future?”

  I got a hardy chuckle. “I don’t know if I can pull off windows as walls, but I can try my best.” He leaned over and kissed my hand in his. “Thank you for coming with me.”

  “I go where you go.”

  The door lightly opened, and Amelia came in, holding a coffee cup in one hand and the door open for Michael to enter in the other. He saw Matt and a light I hadn’t seen before came through his eyes. He looked good. His hair was grayer, but he looked relaxed, like he got a good night’s sleep and some fresh air.

  Michael gleamed, taking a seat in one of the chairs across from us. “It’s really good to see you.”

  “It’s good to see you too, Dad.” Matt smiled politely.

  “Hi, Becka.” He smiled back at me.

  “Hi, Michael. How are you?”

  “I’m…good. I’m really good.” Amelia handed me my coffee and cut in before any more pleasantries could be exchanged.

  “So, as I explained, Matt told me he read your letter and he figured out what he wants to say. So, let’s give him his time to express whatever he is feeling, without interruption, and then work through it. Okay?”