I Go Where You Go

by Jaelyn Hardin

  Michael nodded in understanding. “Okay.”

  All eyes were on Matt, waiting for him to begin. I squeezed his hand tightly, signaling him to look at me. He met my eyes and I nodded, trying to give him strength. I squeezed his palm one last time before I let go. It was up to him now. He rubbed his hands quickly before looking at the floor and speaking his truth.

  “The last time we were here, I was skeptical about this whole thing. You had never been dedicated to getting help before, I didn’t think you were taking it seriously…but then I met Amelia and she told me you had been doing well, working the program, going to the group meetings and talking. Really talking. And honestly…it pissed me off. It really pissed me off. I tried not to act like it, but it wasn’t fair. Dani and I had been trying to get you to talk for years and nothing. But you live here for two weeks and now you’re a new man. It was irritating and I was pissed.” He took a moment to take a few deep breaths. I desperately wanted to hug him, but he had to do this.

  “I wanted to come in here and yell at you, but I didn’t think I was allowed to be mad at you anymore, because what was the point? You were here getting help. I won, right? I didn’t have a reason to be mad because you did what I wanted. So I didn’t come in.” He looked my way, comfort in his eyes directed at me. “But I talked to Becka about it, and she told me I could still feel how I feel. I knew she was right. She’s more rational when it comes to feelings.” I tried not to laugh, but I couldn’t stop my smile. “It took a while for me to read the letter, obviously. I didn’t know what to say to you. And I didn’t know what you had to say to me. I figured it was just going to be more bullshit…sorry…I just thought it was going to be the same excuses you always gave me. So I put it off. But Becka found it yesterday and I told her why I didn’t want to read it. And she said since you wrote it sober, it was probably the closest thing to the truth I’d ever get. And she was right. I didn’t expect to read what I read. I didn’t expect you to say what you said, but it gave me a lot to think about and made me realize a lot of stuff.”

  “What did you realize, Matt?” Amelia interrupted, trying her therapy magic.

  “I realized that we all have ways of coping, and it’s not fair of me to judge him for his coping skills when I don’t have my skills together either.”

  “Okay…can you explain further?” Amelia asked.

  Matt reached my hand, weaving his fingers with mine. “When something upsets me, I shut down. I usually just run or go for a drive for a few hours and it clears my head, but I can’t talk to anyone or be around people. I just need to be alone. And the night of his accident, I shut down.”

  “What does that mean?” Michael asked, confused and worried at the same time.

  “When you weren’t sure about rehab I took off, drove to Aunt Nicole’s.”

  Michael’s eyes were wide. “You did what?”

  “Michael,” Amelia warned, “not a parenting moment. Listening moment.” Michael didn’t want to listen to her, but he sighed heavily and obeyed, running a hand through his graying hair.

  “I left Becka at the hospital and I drove to Aunt Nicole’s house. I stayed there for four days, unable and unwilling to talk to anyone.”

  “What was that like for you, Matt?” Amelia asked.

  “It was hell. I was stuck in my head. I was angry at him and angry at myself for leaving the one person I promised I’d never leave. But all of that and the letter is why I’m here. I cope with things by taking off and being alone, and it worked for me for a long time. But when I realized that how I cope with things hurts the people I love, I felt like crap. I felt like I was doing everything wrong. I’m trying so hard to handle things differently so I don’t hurt other people but so I also don’t hurt anymore.” He looked his dad straight in the eye, leaving no deviation. “And I need you to do the same.” Michael put his head down, unable to look at his son. “I’m never going to say get over Mom. I’ll never get over Mom. But I need you to find a healthier way of coping with it. I need you not to crush everything around you so you can feel better. I almost did that and I almost lost the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I don’t want that for you."

  The silence in the room was heavy. This time all eyes were on Michael, waiting on some sort of response. The first sound that came from him was a sniffle.

  “I’m really sorry, Matt.” He lifted his head and his dark eyes were so sad, I was having a flashback from the night Matt returned. “I know that none of this has been easy on you, I won’t make excuses for it. I’m just really sorry, and I am going to do better.”

  “Michael,” Amelia interrupted again.

  “Sorry…I will do better.” Matt and I both looked at him confused. If Matt had a crease, he would’ve inserted it. “A big thing here is reframing our speech into what we will do and not what we plan. That way it’s not so much as a future plan but a present action. I’m not going to do better eventually; I will do better now. That sort of thing.”

  “Clearly rehab is working.”

  I couldn’t help myself, but it made everyone in the room shake with laughter

  “Oh, I needed that.” Michael smiled greatly and wiped the tears from his eyes. “I’m so glad you are here, Matt. And you too, Becka. I know things are far from perfect, but I’m really trying. And I’m learning a lot here, especially about coping. I used alcohol to fill a void…a void I’ve had since your mom died. And every time I thought about how much easier things would be if she were here, I’d drink.”

  Matt nodded. “That makes sense. Holidays, anniversaries.”

  “Exactly. And you and Dani are just growing up so fast and moving forward with your futures, it’s just been really hard for me.” He held his hands up quickly in defense. “But again, I’m not defending my actions. As hard as it was for me, I know you needed a parent, and I wasn’t there. You and Dani relied on each other, and as proud as I am of you, I wish it hadn’t been necessary.”

  Watching all of this happen was surreal. I’d seen the tension pass between these two for months. I’d hoped and prayed that this would get better so they could be a family again. I didn’t think I’d be sitting in a rehab facility when it happened, but I was grateful either way.

  “And Becka, I owe you a huge apology too. You saw…a lot. And that dinner we went to, I was a jackass. And I tried to take the happiness you both have for each other and ruin it. I just see so much of me and Natalie in the two of you. It honestly made me jealous. And I’m so sorry about that, I really am.”

  I smiled back as comfortingly as I could. “I appreciate that Michael, thank you.” I smoothed my hair away from my face, catching Michael’s attention. He watched intensely, weirding me out. But when I moved my hand away, I realized it wasn’t me he was watching. It was my hand.

  “Is that…” He pointed accusingly, “is that your mom’s?” It was a choked-out whisper like he saw a ghost. I grabbed onto my hand, holding my ring firmly like he was going to steal it. I turned to Matt, unsure of what to do.

  Matt nodded. “Yea, it is.”

  Michael couldn’t take his eyes off my hands. “I thought…I thought Nicole had the rings.”

  “She does. She gave me this one so I could give it to Becka.” This was news to me.

  “Wow.” Michael took a very large breath, I’m pretty sure just to make sure he still could. “So, are you guys engaged?”

  I snorted, unable to hide my humor in the question. “If he had it his way.”

  He rolled his eyes at me, trying not to smile. “No, we’re not engaged. It’s more of a promise ring.”

  Michael furrowed his eyebrows just like Matt does. “You used your mother’s wedding band as a promise ring?”

  A switch turned in Matt. He went from calm and understanding to offended and irritated very quickly. “Seriously Dad? You couldn’t try to understand for five seconds?” He stood up from his chair, ready to leave. “I want you to get better, but you won’t insult my relationship again. And not in front of Becka.” />
  “Hey!” Michael stood up, hands in defense again. “I’m not trying to insult you. I’m just trying to understand.”

  “What is there to understand?” Matt snapped. “I love Becka.”

  “I know you do. I just didn’t realize…”

  “Realize what?” he snapped again. I stood up this time, placing my hands on Matt’s chest, trying to settle him.

  “Hey,” I whispered. The sound of my voice made him look at me. “Sit down and let him explain, please.” I could tell he didn’t want to, and I loved him for wanting to defend us to anyone who questioned it, but I had a feeling that’s not what happened here. Matt sat down; his eyes full of irritation. I held his hand in mine and refused to let go.

  “I wasn’t trying to insult either of you, and I know how much you love Becka.” Michael wrung out his hands just like his son.

  “Use your words, Michael,” Amelia coaxed him. “Take your time but tell him what you really meant to say.” It took him a moment, but he eventually let it out.

  “Right before your mom died, she gave me her rings and she made me promise that you get one and Dani gets the other. But she also made me swear that you specifically don’t give it to someone on a fluke. You weren’t allowed to have it and give it to just anyone, it had to be the right person.” He wiped his face, trying to hide his tears I assumed. “After she died, I couldn’t handle it, so I gave the rings to Nicole. I told her your mom’s rules and she understood. She knew she wasn’t allowed to give them up for just anyone. So I…I guess I’m just surprised.”

  “What are you surprised about?” Amelia asked him before Matt or I had the opportunity.

  “Nicole knew she wasn’t allowed to give it to him for just anybody—”

  “Becka isn’t just anybody!” Matt spat out, irritated once again.

  “I know,” Michael pleaded. “And I know you. I know you wouldn’t even think to involve anything regarding your mom unless it was so serious. That’s why I’m surprised. I’m surprised by how serious this is for you and I’m surprised that even Nicole can see it.”

  “Add a feeling to your surprise, Michael,” Amelia used her therapy skills. “Is it positive or negative?”

  “It’s both,” Michael spoke toward the floor. “I’m so happy that my son has found the girl he loves. But…I’m so mad at myself for not being there to see it.” I had to quickly wipe away my own tears. All I’d ever wanted for Matt was for him to have a parent be involved in all that he does. I was grateful Michael was finally recognizing it. Michael put his face in his hands, sniffling loudly. “I’m so sorry, Matt…I’m sorry you didn’t have me around…I’m sorry you couldn’t talk to me about school or life or Becka or anything…I’m sorry I wasn’t there.”

  No one moved, the room stealth except for Michael’s body shaking with his sobs. I squeezed Matt’s hand gently to gather his attention. When he met my eyes, I nodded toward his dad. It took him a moment, but he got up from his chair and closed the gap between them. Matt removed Michael’s hands from his face and forced him to stand up, enveloping him in a hug.

  “It’s alright, Dad,” Matt mumbled against Michael. “Just be here now.”

  Michael squeezed Matt so strongly Matt’s shirt rippled around Michael’s arms. They stood together for a long time, neither I nor Dr. Amelia could look away. Seeing the love between them brought more than tears to my eyes. I felt comforted. Matt finally had a parent again, and hopefully, he got to keep him.

  Father and son separated, awkwardly staring back at each other but leaving far less tension in the air. It had been years since they had been so vulnerable with each other.

  “I really am happy for you two,” Michael added with a genuine smile.

  “Thanks,” Matt smiled back. My heart officially calmed down, but then Michael turned to me.

  “Becka, I know it’s weird but…could I see it?” He didn’t meet my eyes, he just stared at my hand. “I’m sorry, I know it’s weird. It’s just been a long time since I’ve seen it.”

  It made perfect sense. He missed his wife. “Sure.” I stood between him and Matt, holding my hand out like I had practiced in the mirror a thousand times and showing him the one thing that signified his marriage to his late wife. He reached for my hand, holding it carefully like I was breakable. He slid his thumb over the diamonds, tears flooding his eyes.

  “It looks great on you,” he whispered, a tear sliding out, “just like it did on Natalie.” He squeezed my hand, meeting my eyes. “She would’ve loved you. Oh my God, she would’ve loved you.” He smiled up at the sky like he was looking right at her. “She would’ve loved you like her own. She would’ve loved to get to know you and watch you and Matt move forward together.”

  I wiped away my tears quickly, not wanting anyone here to see me cry. But I couldn’t control it. Matt wrapped his arms around me and hugged me from behind, calming my emotions. I always wondered how Natalie and I would get along. Matt and Nicole told me Natalie would’ve loved me, but somehow it meant more coming from Michael. This wasn’t his mom or his sister, this was the woman he vowed to spend the rest of his life with. If anyone knew her, it was Michael.

  “Did you know I was only with Natalie for a few months before I asked her to marry me?”

  I shook my head quickly. “I had no idea.”

  “It had only been five months, but I knew I was going to marry her. She thought I was crazy, absolutely crazy. But she said yes. My family, her family, they all thought we were insane, making a huge mistake. How could you marry someone after five months? But we didn’t care. We got married on our first anniversary.” He squeezed my hand one last time before addressing both Matt and me. “I know I wasn’t super supportive in the past, but I need you to know that I really am on board. I support your relationship and I want the best for you both. Happiness like yours doesn’t come around every day. I had it with Natalie, and you have it too. Don’t ever let it go.”

  We finished the session with hugs. Michael wrapped his arms around his son and Matt reciprocated. It was new territory for them both, but it looked like it was going to be okay.

  We got home and I was ready for a nap. My body had been through too many emotions and I craved the comfort of Matt’s arms and the numbness of sleep.

  I opened the door, Rocky already there to greet us, tail wagging excitedly.

  “Hey, bud.” Matt dropped to the floor showing him some love.

  Mom, Ryan, and Dani were all sitting on the couch, looking back at us with strange faces. I couldn’t describe the looks. It wasn’t worry or anger, but it was something.

  “How’d it go?” Dani asked. “Did you get to see Dad?”

  Matt nodded. “Yeah, we talked. Everything is good.”

  She looked relieved, but everyone else was still weird.

  “What’s going on?” I inched toward them, their faces making me nervous. “Is everything okay?” Matt reached my side, staring back at our family.

  “Everything is fine,” Mom said. She smiled, but I knew she was hiding something.

  “You’re not telling us something. I can tell.”

  “What’s up?” Matt was getting worried, his voice almost shaky. “Is Bug okay?”

  “She’s fine,” Ryan said. “She’s upstairs.”

  They all met eyes, no one willing to look at us voluntarily.

  “Alright, you guys are freaking me out. Someone say something, please.”

  “Just do it, Mom,” Ryan whispered through his teeth, not making any sudden movements.

  Mom exhaled, rising quickly with an envelope in her hands. She took slow steps toward me, almost like a wedding march. My eyebrows were so furrowed it was starting to hurt, but I didn’t understand.

  “This came for you,” she whispered, handing me an envelope in slow motion.

  My hands grasped around the mail and my heart stopped. The corner showed that perfect burgundy B I longed to see. I stroked my fingers over the label, almost like it was braille, the feeling of Office
of Admissions underneath my skin.

  I was frozen. The world stopped spinning and my lungs stopped working. I couldn’t move. By some magical force, I was able to feel Matt’s hands wrap around my stomach, pulling my body into his. He took a deep breath on the base of my neck, calming my heart from beating out of my chest.

  “You got this,” he whispered. “You got this, baby.”

  I shook my head, starting to panic. “I can’t do this.” My fingers were getting clammy, the envelope slipping from my fingers.

  “Stop and breathe,” Matt whispered again, putting his lips on my ear. I tried to focus on his breathing, trying to match it. “Do me a favor? Look at your hand.” I rolled the envelope over and gazed at my ring. “Whatever that letter says doesn’t matter. No matter what, you and I will do it together. We will get through it together. It’s the start of our future no matter what it says.”

  He was right. The result was decided. The answer to this burning question was already printed and answered, I just had to read it. And no matter what happened, no matter what it said, Matt was with me. The ring on my finger promised me that. This was the start of our future.

  I took one last breath before tearing open the edge of the envelope and pulling out a thick piece of paper. I undid the trifold and scanned my way to the first line. There it was, printed in ink right before my eyes. My future was decided, I had my answer. Matt snuck a look and I knew immediately when he read it. I felt his breathing stop, his heart rate quicken, and his arms tighten around me.

  “So?” Dani shouted, the anticipation getting to her. “What’s the verdict?”

  “I…”