“Did you miss me?”
“Every day,” I say with as much conviction as possible so he knows it’s true. I’m not sure how long Evan’s been home – if that’s even Evan – and I don’t want EJ thinking I’m being replaced because I’m not. I refuse to allow that to happen in his or Ryley’s life.
“What did you do dis time?”
“Well let’s see,” I say as I pretend to ponder his question. The last time I was gone I told him I had to race around in a boat trying to rescue baby ducks that had missed their chance to fly south with their parents. He told me I was the coolest dad ever because I had saved all the babies so their mommies wouldn’t be sad. In EJ’s eyes, I’m a hero and I want to stay that way.
“This time a giant snake escaped from the zoo and I had to go help them find it.”
He gasps and his little mouth drops open. I choke back a sob and paste on a smile just for him. My world is spinning right now and the more I think about what the next hour is going to bring, the faster it goes. My life is about to change and I’m not so confident I’m going to be the victor in any of this.
“Did you catch him?”
I nod more than a few times, hoping to find my voice. “Yeah we did,” I say as my voice breaks at the end. I can’t lose Ryley and EJ. They’re my whole life. And my brother – my best friend – we should be celebrating the fact that he’s home, but we’re not because our lives are colossally screwed up.
“Nate?”
I look toward the familiar voice and smile. My sister, Olivia, is here, which can only mean one thing – she and Ryley are on speaking terms.
“Hey Liv, it’s good to see you. I thought we’d have to take a trip up to Mom’s to see you later in the week.”
Livvie’s face is pensive and her eyes are wandering around the room. She looks like she has something to say, but can’t find the words and the longer she stands there, the more it dawns on me that she’s here because of Evan. She didn’t reconcile with Ryley while I was gone, it’s because Evan came home.
“Did you go see Grandma, EJ?” I ask him because he’s the only one who will give me an honest answer.
He nods. “Eban took us.”
Of course he did, I think as I press my hand to my head so I can massage my temple. The headache that is coming on is going to be fierce and relentless. I’m single-handedly being pushed out of my family and there won’t be a single thing I can do about it.
“Did you know?” she asks her voice barely above a whisper and breaking. I hate that she’s about to cry.
I shake my head. My lips form into a thin line.
“How?”
I look at her questioningly. “How what, Olivia?”
Livvie sits down quietly and EJ leaves me to go sit with her. He’ll never know how much my heart just broke in that moment, but I get it. He doesn’t see her a lot. I live here with him... or at least I think I do. Hell, right now I’m not even sure I’m in any functioning reality.
“How could you not tell me that our brother was alive? How could you do this to Mom?”
“Yeah, Nate, how could you do this to Mom?”
Both of us turn to find Evan standing in the doorway looking as cocky as ever.
“You both are making assumptions that you shouldn’t.”
“You’re twins! You have that freaky twin intuition. How could you not feel him or something?” Livvie pleads with me. I wish I had the answer she was looking for, but I don’t.
“Tink, why don’t you take EJ upstairs?” Evan says, asserting his control over the situation. “We need to have a conversation that EJ probably shouldn’t hear.”
“Can I take him for ice cream?”
“No,” I say.
“Yes,” Evan says at the same time. Liv looks back and forth between the two of us and Evan nods. I’m going to concede this one, but this will be it. I’m EJ’s dad, not him, and Ryley’s my fiancée. If Evan thinks that we’re just going to go back to the way things were, he’s out of his mind... if he’s even who he says he is. For all we know, he’s an imposter. He’s someone who has stolen my brother’s identity and is about to steal my life.
EJ hops down from her lap and pulls her hand into his. They’re out the front door before I can even tell him goodbye.
“How are you Evan?” I ask before he has a chance to say anything. By the way he’s standing I know he’s looking for a fight. He smirks and shakes his head.
“I should be asking you the same thing. How did it feel to be me for a while?”
I run my fingers through my hair, which is in serious need of a shave. Being gone for a month with no amenities takes its toll and I prefer to keep my hair as short as I can.
“I’m not sure what you’re referring to, but if it’s Ryley and EJ, I’m here because this is where you wanted me to be.” I stand and start pacing. There’s no way I’m going to let him attack me because of this. “You died, Evan. I identified your body. How you are standing here makes no sense. It’s unnatural.”
“I’m here because I didn’t die. You didn’t identify me. You identified someone else.” He pushes himself off the wall and comes toward me just as Ryley steps into view with my sandwich in her hand. “The way I see it, little brother, you couldn’t wait to get Ryley all to yourself and EJ was an added bonus. You get to play Daddy in my house with my girl and my son while I’m out in the damn jungle thinking about them every fucking day.
“So how was it, Nate? Did you conveniently ignore radio comms? Did you just happen to forget where I was? I’m hoping you can enlighten me because this is seriously fucked up and as far as I’m concerned, you’re the one who’s dead. You’re dead to me.”
Evan is standing nose to nose with me. I can feel the inhale and exhale of his chest against mine. He’s the only man that I can do this with. He’s the only man that can break me without even trying. But I’m not going to let that happen. We’re about to battle, and it’s not over some foreign land, a corrupt leader or political views. It’s over two people that we love the most in the world, the only two people who could destroy the both of us in a single solitary second.
His words echo through my mind... I’m dead to him. He doesn’t mean that. I know deep down that he’s angry, hurt and probably confused. I would be too. I know better than to take what he’s saying to heart, regardless of how much it hurts. He’s my brother. We’re bound by blood.
Small hands separate us, causing us both to step back. Evan’s anger is seeping through him and if I wasn’t the one on the other end of his torment, I’d tell whoever was to run. I’m not running.
“I didn’t know,” is all I can say as Ryley pushes me toward the steps and out of the living room.
TIME MOVES IN SLOW motion as Ryley pushes Nate up the stairs, the stairs that lead to the bedrooms, bedrooms that I don’t want her and Nate anywhere near. I’ve always been possessive of Ryley, even in high school. Once we started dating, guys flirted with her like crazy. Sometimes, her naiveté played in my favor because she didn’t realize they were doing it, or at least she didn’t let on that she’d noticed. Either way, I hated it. It drove me nuts that other guys thought that they had a chance with her, but on the other hand it was the biggest ego boost that she didn’t care.
The possessiveness started a few months before graduation. There was a guy in particular who was in her grade who couldn’t seem to grasp that she was with me. His name was Butler. John, Jeff, something with a J, I believe. We played football together, but other than that we weren’t friends. When he found out I had enlisted, he told Ry that he would be her shoulder to cry on. I wanted to set him straight, but Nate told me not to do anything to mess up my enlistment. A few days later, Butler showed up to school with a broken collarbone. I never asked Nate if he was responsible, but always suspected it. I never thanked him either because I didn’t want to acknowledge that he got to do what I wanted to do.
After that I made sure it was clear that she and I were together and short of pissing on
her leg like a damn fire hydrant, all the guys in school knew she was taken. I let them all believe that I was the one who messed up Butler, and he never told them otherwise. When I would come home, I made sure to show up at school to surprise my girl, even in college.
Now, watching her with my brother makes me feel like an outsider. They share something that I may never understand. They were close before, but never like this. Now, seeing my girl clutch his t-shirt causes enough physical pain that my insides hurt. They share a connection that I’m not a part of.
I can’t lose her. Not having Ryley in my life is not something I’ve ever planned for. Knowing at eighteen that you’ve met the one person you were destined to be with is life changing. When she lay on the ground after I hit her, I knew. I knew she was the one and I wasn’t afraid to admit it. Never did I think that I’d be better with anyone else because she was the best of me. She made me want to be the best for her.
They talk too quietly for me to hear. I’m standing in the middle of a living room that I barely remember while they stand together on the stairs, and I can’t hear a single word they’re saying. And I can’t help but feel lost, left out and like I don’t belong. I step closer, only for Nate to turn and stomp up the stairs. Ryley makes eye contact with me. She descends slowly, never breaking our connection.
“What’s going on?”
Her hands brush over my shoulder, just like the many times she’d straighten out my uniform or my NWU’s. As her hands trail down my arms and into my hands, her fingers lock with mine.
“I need you to do me a favor.”
I sigh and squeeze her hands with mine. “If this were any other situation I’d say anything, but I’m almost afraid of what you might ask of me.”
Ryley’s eyes meet mine, they’re wet and I know I’m the cause of her tears. She tries to smile but her lips form a thin line, making me wonder what the hell has just happened. We were fine at the beach and everything was fine in the kitchen. What happened in the few short minutes with Nate that would make everything change?
“I need to talk to Nate and I can’t do that with you here. You’re angry with him and I get that, but as much as this hurts, Nate lives here. And right now I’m on the edge, about to fall off the damn cliff of confusion and need both of you to meet me half way.”
“You want me to leave you here with him?” I let go of one of her hands and point up to the ceiling, the general direction to where Nate is currently hiding out like a coward.
“He’s not going to hurt me.”
I scoff. “Right, because he loves you.”
Ryley nods and I feel defeated. “You’re choosing him?”
“No, I’m choosing me. I’m choosing EJ. I’m asking that you give me time to talk to Nate. Time to figure things out so I know what the hell is going on with my life. He says he didn’t know, Evan, that has to mean something to you –”
“It means nothing.”
“Don’t interrupt me. I’ve earned the right to speak my mind,” she scolds, taking a deep breath. “For the past month I have questioned everything I’ve known since the last time I saw you walk out the door. I’ve even questioned what I know about Nate, and that’s not fair to him.”
Ryley places her hands on my cheeks, keeping my eyes focused on her. “I love you, Archer. And if you love me, you’ll give me what I’m asking. I need to talk to Nate without your interference. He has that right, just as I gave it to you.”
I nod, knowing she’s right. Leaning forward, I place a kiss on her forehead and hold my lips there as long as I can. When I pull away I hear her sniffle. I hate that she’s crying. I don’t want to cause her tears, but my fear is if I give her what she’s asking for, I’m going to lose.
“I’ll be at River’s,” I say as I walk away.
I choose to sit on the steps of River’s house instead of knocking. I shouldn’t have come here, but he was the obvious choice. Three of us returned to find different lives and each of us have to find a way to deal with what’s happened. Tucker McCoy can’t find his wife and daughter. Justin Rask’s parents want nothing to do with him. Then there’s my situation with Ryley and Nate. River, whose wife welcomed him home with open arms as if nothing happened, is the only one who isn’t submerged in drama.
Coming here was wrong. He’s not going to understand. As far as he’s concerned everything is perfect. His wife was waiting for him, holding vigil until he returned. She, unlike the rest of our families, held out hope her husband was alive. Why her and not Ryley? If anything, I would’ve expected Ryley to question everything. Maybe she did, but didn’t get anywhere. She wasn’t my wife so her hands were tied. Fact of the matter is that if she’s not legally a spouse, she has no rights as far as the military is concerned.
The door opens before I can make my decision to leave. The heavy footfalls tell me it’s River. He sits down next to me and hands me a beer. I’ve been out in the sun all day; I’m over-emotional and tired and a beer is the last thing I need, but it feels damn good going down the back of my throat.
“Want to talk about it?”
I shake my head and take another drink from the bottle, downing most of it. My fingers glide over the imprinted label. No longer paper, but melted into the glass.
“When did they change the bottles?”
He shrugs. He doesn’t know any more than I do. We’ve lost six years and the people who were tasked with protecting us did such a stand up job that they forgot to tell us we’re all dead or, at the very least, fill us in on everything we missed - like beer bottles with no paper labels. I suppose the bogus letters we received from home should’ve been enough to keep us in the loop but they weren’t.
“Nate’s back and she asked me to leave so she could talk to him.”
River is silent next to me. Only the birds, traffic and planes flying overhead curb the dullness between us. When I’m with Ryley, I can open up. I can tell her how I’m feeling or what I’m thinking. But sitting here with River, opening up is the last thing I want to do. He’s not going to understand because he has his wife. He came home to everything that he left behind and the only thing he lost was time.
“You knew he was bound to return.”
“Deep down I was hoping he’d be gone for six years so I could undo everything that’s been done.” I tap my beer bottle against the brick step, listening to the clank it makes with each hit. “They have a connection. It’s there; I saw it. He loves her, he always has, and I’m afraid I may be too late. I’m not sure if what we have… had... will be enough to break through what they share.”
“Your death brought them together?”
I nod. “Yep, as much as I don’t want to admit it, they bonded over someone they lost, then EJ arrived and he was the link that kept them together. I think that if EJ hadn’t been born, Nate wouldn’t have hung around, but he was doing what I asked of him... he was taking care of my family. He just took it a step too far.”
Once again, only the outdoor noises keep the awkward silences at bay. We’re just two guys sitting on a stoop. From an outsider’s point of view, we’re just hanging out. Only he knows that I’ve been asked to leave my girl alone with the one man who stands between us.
As I sit here with him I can’t help but want to ask him something that’s been plaguing my mind since we came back. I hesitate, though, because if I ask him what I’m thinking it could put a serious dent in our relationship and I don’t want that to happen. I’ve already lost enough.
I breathe in and exhale loudly in frustration causing him to look at me. “What’s up?” he asks with a knowing expression on his face.
Scratching the back of my head, I realize it’s now or never. I look over my shoulder at his house before looking at him. “Have you asked yourself why Frannie was waiting for you? I mean, look at us – we were dead to them. Rask’s parents won’t talk to him. McCoy’s wife and daughter are long gone. Ryley’s moved on. You’re the only one who came home to everything as normal as it was when we left.”
<
br /> River’s forehead wrinkles, but he doesn’t try to strangle me so I count this as a win in my book. He looks over his shoulder, staring at his house before turning back and setting his bottle down.
“I’ve asked myself that every day. I’ve tried to talk to Frannie about it, asking her why she didn’t move on, and all she says is that she couldn’t. She just knew I was alive.”
Those are words I’d love to hear from Ryley, and even Nate. Knowing that one of them thought I was alive and that they never gave up on me would be worth this bullshit I’m dealing with now.
LIFE IS UNPREDICTABLE. LIFE is messy. Life throws you curve balls when you’re expecting a slider. My brother is back from the dead... or undead, not dead, however it needs to be spun. The simple truth is that he’s alive. No, there’s nothing simple about the truth because we don’t actually know what that truth is. How can someone you buried years ago suddenly be alive? Not just him either, but a four man crew. Each and every one of them gone¸ with families that have moved on, only to find their loved one is, in fact, alive and well.
For a brief moment I thought that Evan was a prisoner of war, but that’s not the case. He’s been fed, taken care of, and even groomed – POW’s don’t have those liberties. There would’ve been a ransom or some kind of demand. I would’ve hunted for him until I brought him home. I would’ve gone to the ends of earth and back until he was safe with me.
Evan and I need to talk.
Brother to brother.
Warrior to warrior.
Whether he wants to or not.
This cloud of Ryley and EJ looming over us is a different matter. He will never be able to think clearly, to see us as brothers, as long as I’m with Ryley. Leaving her isn’t an option, though. I love her, and I know she loves me. It’s not as straightforward as just packing up and leaving. We’re a family. When I’m home we have routines from grocery shopping, to eating out once a week. Evan wants his family, and I want to keep mine. It’s not going to matter what decision is made, someone is going to get hurt.
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