“Good morning,” Doc Howard says. Everything about her is like a bad routine – from the way she sits to the way she folds her hands. It’s been about a week since I’ve seen her last, but expected with all the changes going on in my life she would change as well. As I sit here and look at her I realize I’m not being fair to her. I can’t let my lack of sunny disposition affect my treatment.
She hasn’t done me wrong yet.
“Morning, Doc,” I say as I look at her then quickly to Ryley, who just smiles. I know Ryley doesn’t like coming here, but it’s a necessity. Not only do I need her here for emotional support, she fills in some of the holes. Lately, I’ve felt like it would have almost been better if I had lost my memory. I imagine thinking someone ruined my life on purpose is a far worse feeling than knowing I can’t remember.
“Where do you want to start today, Evan?”
I take my eyes off Ryley and bring my focus in front of me. Inhaling deeply, I steel myself for the gasp I’m about to hear, but there’s no use avoiding the thing that needs to be said. “Nate came home and Ryley kicked us both out.”
The gasp is barely audible, but I hear it. Out of the corner of my eye I watch as Ryley clutches the armrest. She’s angry and I get that. Could I have said it better? Probably, but I’m not going sugarcoat my feelings because she’s sitting next to me. She should know that.
“Well that’s definitely a change from last week. Let’s talk about Nate first. Have you sat down and spoken with him, Evan?”
“No,” I answer adamantly.
Doc Howard leans forward with her hands clasped in front of her. Her expression alone tells me that she doesn’t approve.
Ryley clears her throat and sits a bit taller in the chair. “Nate only returned yesterday. In Evan’s defense, they haven’t had much of a chance to sit down.”
“Don’t need to.”
“Evan,” Ryley scolds.
“What? Unless he’s going to tell me why he left me in the jungle so he could take over my life, we have nothing to discuss.”
“You’re being childish.”
I want to throw my hands up in the air, kick my chair across the room and show Ryley just how childish I can be. Instead, I wrap my hands tightly around the armrests and squeeze them until the pressure builds and the pain starts to lessen.
“Ryley, why don’t you tell me what happened yesterday?” Doc Howard asks in her calm, motherly voice.
She takes a deep breath and recounts our day at the beach. “Everything was perfect and that should’ve been my first clue that something was wrong. Evan was carrying EJ and I didn’t even realize the door was already unlocked when I went to open it. The moment I saw Nate my heart sank and not because I didn’t want Nate to be home, but because my time with Evan was going to change. For the past few weeks we’ve been together every day, as a family, and now that’s going to be non-existent.
“The man I’m engaged to was sitting on the couch staring at us like we were aliens. EJ went straight to Nate as soon as he saw him. I know Evan felt broken when that happened because I felt that way for him,” Ryley pauses and wipes at her cheek angrily. I didn’t even know she was crying, her voice never gave any indication. Once again, I’m torn. Do I pull her into my lap and promise to take her pain away, or do I sit here and take it like a man? Why can’t both be the answer?
“I asked Evan to leave last night so I could talk to Nate. I know Evan is never going to understand the relationship I have with his brother, but I owe it to both of them to be honest. Nate knows how I feel about Evan, he’s always known. He accepts that I’ll always love Evan. Even when we thought he had died, I never stopped loving him and the feeling only grew stronger the day he walked back into my life. I asked Nate and Evan to move out last night because I need space. I need time to myself to figure out what’s right for me and EJ. I need to be able to think without either of them staring at me, asking me how I’m doing because the truth is, I don’t even know right now.
“I wish there was a book full of answers or that Magic 8 Ball I had when I was kid actually worked, but neither are realistic. Everything is so screwed up and I hate that I’m hurting the two men that I love like this.”
At hearing her words, I know what I have to do and I do it without hesitation. Ryley’s in my arms before Doc Howard can even unclasp her hands to hand her a tissue. I nuzzle her neck, whispering that everything will be okay. The last thing I want in life is to hurt her and if me being here is causing her pain, I’ll let her go, but not without a fight.
“Evan,” Dr. Howard interrupts our moment. Ryley sits back in her chair, but I don’t take my eyes off of her.
I clear my throat and prepare myself for whatever may come my way before speaking. “I spend a lot of time thinking. When Ryley and EJ are sleeping, I’m awake. I go over the orders we were given in my head. I think about letters that I received from her and had to burn; I have them memorized and go over them in my mind, looking for clues, even though I know she didn’t write them. But I keep thinking maybe there was there something in there to alert me and I missed it.
“And then I start to wonder if our love wasn’t strong enough for her to wait for me like Frannie did for River. I question everything and don’t want to. All I can think is that I didn’t love her hard enough, or long enough, for her to wait for me. Thing is, deep down I know that’s not true.
“When Ryley was in college and I lived on base, the guys would go out and bring back a barrack bunny or two. They gave me such shit for being faithful and I’d tell them that when you’re in love no one compares. I never questioned what I was feeling for Ryley. This woman completes me. She keeps me safe from myself.
“I want to believe that I’ll prevail, but at what cost? The last thing I want to do is hurt Ryley or EJ. I wish there was a simple answer - a test you could give us to see who she’s supposed to be with but I know that’s not realistic so I keep trying to make sense of it in my head. Never in a million years did I think my competition would be my brother, but he is. And as much as it pains me to say this, if she doesn’t choose me, and decides that Nate is the better choice, at least I know him. At least I can trust that he’s not going to hurt her or my son.”
“He loves me,” Ryley says through tears.
I nod, knowing that’s the truth. “Doesn’t mean I have to accept it or honor it.”
Doc Howard offers us a break and we both take it. I grab us some water, brushing my fingers along Ryley’s hand as she takes the glass from me. Leaning in, I kiss her cheek. She pushes against me lightly and I use this to my advantage. Kissing her along her jaw, I whisper that I love her before I continue to pepper her skin with my lips. “So much,” I tell her against the nape of her neck. I stop myself from asking her to never leave me. It’s unfair and I know she won’t be able to placate me.
Taking advantage of the room being empty except for us, I ask her, “When can I see you?”
“Tonight,” she says as her green, teary eyes meet mine. “I’m not going to keep a schedule, Evan. There are no rules to all of this, but I am going to be fair.”
“Are you going to sleep with him?” The words are out of my mouth before I can stop them, not that I would have. It’s been on my mind and I have to know even if her answer tears my beating heart out of my chest.
Ryley shakes her head. “No, I’m not. And I’m not sleeping with you either.”
That’s what she thinks.
ONE NEVER SITS DOWN and thinks about the “What If’s” in life until it’s too late to do anything about it. If I had, I likely wouldn’t be sitting in a chair on my best friend’s back porch contemplating them now.
What if I asked more questions about Evan’s death?
What if I demanded more evidence that the burnt corpse with the missing limbs was my brother?
What if I didn’t reenlist and Cara and I stayed together?
What if I never fell in love with Ryley?
What if this is all a set-up?
Then it begs the question, why? What did Evan and the other guys do to deserve this? The sliding glass door opens and Lois walks out with a tray of drinks. Always the consummate homemaker, she quit her job when Grace arrived so she could stay home with her. Grace and EJ will start school in the fall and Lois has mentioned going back to work part-time. She sets the tray down and hands me a tall, cool glass of lemonade.
Hope soars that it’s spiked with something powerful, a numbing agent to quell my emotions, but as I take my first sip I realize it’s just lemonade and only meant to quench my thirst on this hot summer day.
“You know I could give you a big ole song and dance on how everything is going to work out, but we both know it’ll be a crock.”
This is what I love about Lois, straight to the point and no hiding behind bullshit. She knows, just as I do, that this situation is beyond normal. People don’t come back from the dead, and the people you trust to tell you the truth don’t hide the fact that a member of your family is alive and well.
“She kicked me out.” I hate the way the words sound as I say them. Ryley didn’t kick me out, she asked me to leave. There’s a difference, right?
That’s what I’m telling myself.
Lois reaches for my hand and I let her hold it. “Ryley is going through a lot right now,” she says, reconfirming everything I know. I can’t begin to imagine the hell she went through when Evan showed up out of the blue.
“What am I going to do?”
Lois squeezes my hand before letting go. “If we had the answers, none of this would be happening. I know it’s not easy for anyone, but you have to let her make the best decision for her and EJ without letting your own feelings get in the way.”
I look at Lois questioningly. “You mean no guilt trips on how I was the one who was there for her and picked up the pieces?”
Lois chuckles and shakes her head. “You were going to be her brother-in-law. You should’ve been there to pick up the pieces regardless. But yes, no guilt trips. She has plenty of guilt for both you and Evan.”
“I love her, Lois,” I throw out there, even though she knows this.
“And she loves you, but she also loves Evan. When she finally opened herself up to you it was with the knowledge that Evan was never coming home. Same goes for you – you never would’ve pursued her if there was a chance that Evan was alive.”
“Oh, I don’t know about that,” I say, chuckling lightly. In high school I wanted to pursue her, but shied away. Evan made it clear that Ryley was his. At first, I thought he’d use her and toss her away, but days turned into weeks, weeks into months and those months quickly turned into declarations of love, prom, and then basic training. The writing was on the wall, but I couldn’t read it clearly.
In hindsight, I wish I had. I wouldn’t be sitting here, staring off into the horizon, wondering what the hell has happened to my life.
“Did Evan know that you liked Ryley in high school?”
“He knew. It was instant, much like his attraction for her. He made it clear though, and I didn’t fight him. Maybe I should’ve. I don’t know.” I shrug. “Thing is, I’ve never denied that they have a connection. She was the first girl that ever tamed him and she did it without trying. I remember a party we went to and for some reason Ryley couldn’t go. As soon as we walked in girls were all over him and he ignored them, brushed them off, while I stood there, his twin, and they didn’t even notice me. We look alike yet I couldn’t get one girl to look in my direction.”
Leaning forward, I let out a groan and scrub my hands over my face. “I don’t mean to act like this. I just hate thinking about everything.” I sit upright again, crossing my legs at my ankles. “This isn’t a pity party. I’m happy that Evan’s home, but I’m damn pissed about the whole situation. With our technology, how does this happen? We’re trained to be the best, to get out of any situation possible and four guys who are presumed dead for six years just come waltzing back as if nothing’s happened? How?”
Lois sets her hand on my forearm, a gentle reminder that she’s here for me. “We’ve all been asking the same thing every day.” She clears her throat. “I’ve called the news stations and the papers. Every time I think someone is interested in the story, they stop returning my emails and phone calls.”
I turn sharply and face her. I can’t get it out of my head that this is a cover up, but for what? My plan is to spend some time in the library and look at the old newspapers around the time that Evan left to see if anything looks suspicious. Thing is, I don’t know what I’m looking for until Evan confides in me. Right now, the only thing I can get from him is anger, but his anger is misplaced.
“Was there a parade? Anything?”
Lois shakes her head slowly. “Nothing. There was one article by a no name journalist, but when I called the paper they told me that he’s never worked there.”
“Ryley said that Evan and the other guys received care packages?”
“Yeah, Evan had a picture of EJ from when he was a baby. He knew his name and everything. Evan knew things about them, everything except for where you were concerned.”
Sighing deeply. “That must’ve gone over well.”
“As well as getting your heart torn out of your chest would.”
Which is exactly what’s happening now.
It’s been years since I’ve been in a library and if it weren’t for the nice librarian I’d still be standing at the door scratching the back of my head. I’m grateful that she took pity on me and showed me what I needed. Sally, that’s her name, set me up in the small, private room that holds the microfiche machine. After I left Lois sitting on the deck, I drove around until I found a library with this machine. I figured using the web would alert someone. If this was a set up, I don’t want to leave a paper trail.
I start about six months before Evan left, going over every inch of the Times. I stay away from our local paper due to the fact they may not pick up on any international conflicts. I don’t know what I’m looking for, but I’m looking. I’m just hoping that I’m not bypassing anything. The answers are out there, they just have to be found.
After a month of articles I realize that I’m not going to get anywhere unless I talk to Evan. He has answers whether he knows it or not, and the least he can do is give me something to go on. Everything Lois told me doesn’t add up. My brother and his crew shouldn’t be able to walk down the street without being mobbed by the media. Someone is keeping this quiet, but why? Where did they go? And what did they witness?
Article after article, note after note... everything I read and write down makes me think that I’ve lost my Goddamn mind. The sheer amount of possible situations could lead me anywhere and nowhere at the same time. I’m out of my league. I don’t know what I’m doing.
Groaning in frustration, I flip forward to last month. The lone article that Lois told me about earlier is front and center. How I got so lucky and stopped the machine in this location, I’ll never know, but I’ll take it.
No happy homecoming for SEALs declared dead by Navy
Art Liberty
SAN DIEGO – We have all seen and read about the happy homecomings of military members returning from deployment. Tearful but smiling family members embrace uniformed moms, dads, sons and daughters and welcome them back into their loving arms. High-ranking military and political officials give speeches lauding the bravery of the returning men and women. Sometimes there is even a band playing cheerful and patriotic music.
That is the joyful scene that we have become used to seeing on the Internet, television, social media, and newspapers. But that was not the welcome home reportedly experienced by four members of Navy SEAL Team Three, based in Coronado, CA.
They deplaned after a long flight from their theater of operations to be met by – no one. Instructed to take taxis from the airfield, the SEALs made their own way home to families that were anything but overjoyed to see them. The reason? All four were dead, according to the Navy. Funerals had been he
ld with full military honors. “Taps” was played, a rifle salute was performed, and in a meaningful ritual peculiar to the Navy’s elite warrior SEALs, fellow SEAL team members removed their Trident insignia and embedded it into the lid of the casket in a poignant and symbolic goodbye to a fallen brother-in-arms.
Sources close to the four men report that the SEALs, deployed for an unheard of six years, were regularly provided with “care packages” purportedly from their families at home, including items such as newsy letters and family photographs. The men are reportedly devastated by the thought that their loved ones believed them to be dead and buried for the past several years.
Lcdr. Becca Dawn, spokesperson for the Naval Special Warfare Command in Coronado, the command with authority over all Naval Special Warfare forces, said four days ago, “I am not aware of this issue or these men. I will have to get back to you.” So far there has been no further comment and Lcdr. Dawn has not returned numerous messages. Several attempts were made to contact the Public Affairs Officer of Naval Special Warfare Group One, the parent command immediately over SEAL Team Three, have also not been returned. Former Navy Lt. Candy Brotz, past spokesperson for the command and now a reporter for Military News noted, “It is unheard of for SEALs to be deployed for that length of time. The circumstances are not only unusual, they are highly suspicious. The Navy doesn’t just tell families that their sailor is dead without a lot of documentation and investigation.”
Clearly this incident calls for answers from Navy authorities. Meanwhile, four traumatized families and four brave warriors try to rebuild shattered lives, if that is even possible.
Grabbing my pencil, I jot down Lcdr. Dawn and Lt. Brotz as people I need to contact. Brotz may know something and if she won’t tell me, she might tell Carole. I read the article again, memorizing it word for word. How this article didn’t prompt an investigation or media shit storm, I’ll never know. Either way, I’m going to find these people, along with Art Liberty, and find out what the hell is going on.
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