Taking a deep breath, I try to relax against the wooden table, but it’s old and splintered, the fragmented wood poking me in the back as I look out over the parking lot and the beach volleyball court.
“What were you doing? Where’d you go?”
The moment I ask the question, the door to Magoo’s opens. I catch a glimpse of someone stepping out, but that’s it. They’re staying close to the wall because if they step out from under the awning, the floodlights will come on. “Stop talking,” he mumbles.
“Why?” We need to hash this shit out and now is the best time. We could’ve killed each other in the bar. I’m not walking away from this now.
“It’s Frannie,” he whispers.
Glancing back toward the door, I’m still waiting for whoever came out to come into view. “How do you know?”
Evan leans back, resting his arms on the top of the table, letting his bag of ice dangle from his hand. “It’s her perfume. After being at River’s for a day, I’d recognize it anywhere.”
His statement gives me pause. He’s on high alert, something I’m not. I’m not sure I’d be able to pick out Lois’s perfume if she walked out of the bar under the cover of darkness, but Evan knew right away. And something about Frannie being outside by herself has him on edge.
“We still need to talk,” I say, keeping my voice low. Evan sighs heavily and groans.
“Listen,” he says, back to resting his elbows on his knees. “Right now the only thing I want is my son. He needs to know I’m his dad. I don’t care what telling him does to the relationship you and Ryley have with him. I don’t care what the reasoning is behind the decision to never tell him about me, and thinking that my face tacked to his walls was the answer. That shit is creepy and cool at the same time, but he needs to know and I’m not waiting.” Evan stands and starts to pace, kicking pebbles as he does. I know he’s right, and it’s not that I don’t want to do what he’s asking, I just don’t know how. It’s also a decision I can’t make without Ryley.
It doesn’t escape my notice that he says he only wants EJ. I know he wants Ryley, and it makes me think that maybe she’s told him no. If she has, she hasn’t said anything to me about it. She’s asked for space and I’m giving it to her.
“I want to help,” I say, without going into detail. His head turns toward the building where I’m assuming Frannie is lurking. Evan tosses the bag of ice on the table and groans.
“Help what? Help tell EJ that I’m his father? Help by leaving Ryley so she and I can be together? Help figure out what the fuck happened to us?” The last question he says a little more loudly, making me wonder if he thinks Frannie is involved.
“Evan?”
He puts his hand up. “Not here, not now.” He walks away before I can respond. If not now, when? We can’t put this off, lives and feelings are going to get in the way of any resolve that we can muster if we do.
“Hey Frannie, are you getting some fresh air?”
“Oh, hey Evan, didn’t know you were out here.”
My blood turns cold at their conversation. Evan was right, not that I doubted him, but her response doesn’t make sense. Everyone in that bar saw what happened. She had to know that the both of us were out here.
My head pounds as the sunlight filters through the blinds. After my talk with Evan last night, Carter and I decided that the best medicine for a busted lip and slightly bruised ego was to get shitty drunk. I’m paying for it today though. Glancing quickly at my phone, it’s just after noon. It’s been years since I’ve slept the day away and damn it if I don’t feel like I haven’t even slept yet.
Sitting on the edge of the bed, my hands hold my head to keep the room from spinning. Today is going to suck and as much as I want to blame Evan and his wandering lips, he’s not the reason I started drinking. Life is. Not long after Evan went back into the bar, he left by himself. Ryley chased after him but came back alone. I tried not to let her eagerness to be with him affect me, but I lost that battle. She should’ve been by my side and not his. I guess when you ask for space, you’re allowed to do whatever you want.
The house is quiet when I walk down the stairs in desperate need of some aspirin and water. I’m never drinking again and that will last until the next time I’m feeling sorry for myself. As soon as I step into the living room the sight of the beautiful redhead who agreed to marry me a year ago catches my eye. Ryley sets her magazine down and smiles. Her sun-kissed shoulders are on full display with the tank top style, royal blue dress she’s wearing.
“Good afternoon.”
Running my hand over my recently shaved head, I groan loudly and go to her. I curl up, resting my head on her leg, and moan. “I feel like shit.” She laughs as her fingers move over my stubble.
“I know things aren’t easy, Nate, but that’s no reason to get wasted.”
“Is that what Lois told Carter?”
This time she laughs loudly. “Lois made Carter get up and mow the lawn. Now he has both kids with him at the grocery store. She also told Grace that she could wake him up and she did it with music and high-pitched singing from what Lois said.”
“That’s pure torture.”
“In the best form,” she says as she leans forward, kissing me on the cheek. I turn before she can move and press my lips to hers. I hate sharing her, but I refuse to give up on the love we have. I deepen the kiss, pushing my fingers into her hair. Our kiss is slow and sweet. She makes me feel like I can accomplish anything when she’s with me.
She rests her forehead against mine before sitting upright. I’m not stupid to think that everything is back to normal and that she’s here to tell me that she’s ready for me to come home. That would mean the nightmares I’ve been having are just that. That would also mean my brother isn’t home, and I’d rather have the nightmares than have him gone again.
“We need to talk about EJ.”
“I know,” I say, as I sit up. I want to pick her up and take her upstairs. I want to crawl back under the covers and have us close our eyes and never have this conversation.
“It’s not going to be easy.”
My eyes water from the images in my mind of me telling EJ that I’m not his dad. If I had known Evan was still alive I would’ve stopped EJ from calling me “Dad” all those years ago, but I didn’t and my selfishness is coming back to bite me in the ass.
“None of this is easy, Ry. Our lives are so fucked up right now. We’ve made so many mistakes. The lies have been built and now we have to dig ourselves out of the hole without a shovel.”
Ryley leans into me, clasping her hand with mine. “I don’t have the answers, but I think we need to do it all together. We owe it to Evan to give him this. Regardless of you and me, or Evan and me, EJ’s his son and they both need each other.”
I nod, due to a lack of words. I know she wants to do this today, whereas I want to pretend it’s never going to happen.
“I’ll go shower,” I kiss her on the forehead, letting my lips linger there. “When Carter’s back, we’ll call Evan and go meet him. We’ll do this as a family and at someplace EJ loves so he can feel comfortable.”
With that I leave her on the couch so I can get ready for the day. She’ll never understand how much her words have hurt me and I’ll never tell her. She’s a woman being torn in half by two men, both of whom she loves for different reasons, both of whom want her for themselves.
IT FEELS LIKE I’M watching one of Ryley’s romance movies play out in live action. Ryley’s pushing EJ in the swing and I can hear him yelling, “Higher, higher!” Nate stands in front of the swing, but just enough out of the way so that he doesn’t get kicked. When EJ descends, Nate is there to push him back toward Ryley. It’s me who should be doing that with Ryley, but instead I’m sitting in my car watching like a stalker. I’m that guy you read about in the paper, hear about in the news, the man who lurks around public parks looking to snatch a wife and her kid so I can take them home to play house.
No... I hunt ba
stards like that.
I’m actually supposed to be here. Today’s the day and I’m nervous as hell. I’ve faced death many times, but facing a five-year old and telling him that I’m his father and Nate isn’t scares the ever-loving shit out of me. What if he rejects me? What if I’m not the father that Nate is, or I can’t handle it? He’s been able to learn as he goes, but a five-year old has expectations that I may not be able to meet.
A police officer stops next to my car and motions for me to roll down my window. I try not to roll my eyes, but I get it. Once my window is down, he leans over his console. The look on his face is telling me that he’s not impressed that I’m sitting here staring at the people in the park.
“Wanna move along?”
Yes, as a matter of fact, I do because facing a five-year-old is scarier than facing a terrorist. “Just about to get out, sir.”
He moves back and forth, trying to peer into my car. My guess is that he’s checking for my family or my kid. Too bad he’s looking in the wrong direction. He obviously doesn’t perceive me as too much of a threat since he’s still in his car.
“This is a family park,” he says as his radio squawks. He answers in code before turning back to me. “Where’s your family?”
Without taking my eyes off of him, I point to the swing set where Ryley and EJ are. Realization hits him like a ton of bricks and regardless of whether our return has been front and center in the paper or on the news, people know... he knows.
“You’re the one who came home?”
“One of the four, yes sir.” I’m not the only one who returned and each of us has to deal with our own fall outs in life, except for River. He just has to figure out why his wife had his beer stocked in his refrigerator. And not just stocked, but fresh, recently purchased and ready for his return. Who does that?
He nods and starts to say something but closes his mouth. Keeping my focus on him, I wonder if he’s met the struggles that I have. Not likely, but as a police officer, each time he walks out of his house he expects to return when his shift is over. He doesn’t know if there’s a crazed lunatic waiting to wreak havoc on his day. His job is really no different from mine. He battles the locals while I - or we - take on the rest. To me, he’s my partner.
“The community stands behind you, son,” he says before he rights himself behind his steering wheel. As he drives away I keep my eyes on him, wishing he’d stay just a bit longer. Sometimes it’s just nice to talk to someone who may or may not experience what you’re going through. I can’t talk to the guys because each of us is experiencing our return differently. Talking to Ryley produces heartache and shattered dreams. And my fear with Nate is that he’ll use any information I might give him against me.
Taking a deep breath, I ready myself for what’s about to happen. As it is, I’m already late, which is undoubtedly a strike against me. They’ll never understand what this is like for me. Even though I’ve met my son, he thinks of me as a friend and I’m not foolish enough to think that today will be any different, but it’d be nice.
Walking across the park with my hands pushed deep into my pockets, I think about turning back. Since Ryley asked me to leave the house I’ve wondered if I’m in a parallel universe. My homecoming was supposed to be filled with family, love and acceptance, but it’s been anything but. It took a therapist to convince her that I needed to be a part of EJ’s life. She threw me a party, but not until after Nate came home. She tells me that she’s not going to marry him, yet she still wears his ring and he seems to think that they’re still together.
Stopping halfway, Nate pulls Ryley into a hug. He picks her up and twirls her around, something I’ve done many times, but not lately. EJ is loud when he tells Nate to do it again, adding “Daddy” to the end of his sentence. EJ loves them, as his parents, his family and I’m not sure I belong. To EJ I could be viewed as an intruder, someone he’s not willing to accept as a parent. I guess I need to ask myself if I’m okay with that, or if I’m going to push him.
I have to avert my gaze. I can’t look at them, happy and in love. The trees, the birds and even the other families that are in the park seem to be a better option for me right now. Turning around, my car sits on the side of the street ready to take me away. Maybe that’s what I need, a destination far from here where I can start over and pretend that my life is everything that it isn’t right now.
The laughter coming from the others is enough to tell me that I shouldn’t be here. Right now, I have nothing to offer EJ and Nate does. He’s offered him stability, a home and father, while I’ve been nothing more than pictures on his wall. He’s better off with Nate, and at this point so is Ryley.
My steps are solid even though the ground has a bit of give to it. My legs feel heavy and slow moving, and short of running, I’m never going to get back to my car without them seeing me.
“Hey, Eban?”
My name and the excitement in his voice is enough stop me in my tracks. I turn to find the mini version of me staring back. He’s wearing his own NWU pants with a matching hat.
“Hey, EJ.” I don’t know what else to say. I’m an adult and this little boy brings me to my knees.
“Are you my dad?”
My eyes widen at his question and I seek out Ryley and Nate who are sitting at a table not far from the swing sets. I sit down on the ground and EJ mimic’s my position. How do you answer a question you’re not prepared for? I thought I was until I got here, but now that he’s in front of me I just want to tell him no because he’d be so much better without the drama that my life is right now.
“Um…” I hesitate but realize that he needs an answer. “Who told you that?” I ask as if I’m back in high school trying to figure out who started a rumor about me.
“My mom and dad,” he says as he turns and looks over his shoulder, making sure they’re still there.
“Right.” They told him without me, but why? Was it to make things easier on me? Did they know I was going to have second thoughts about doing this? Or did they do it just to get it over with?
“Are you?” he asks again, growing impatient.
“I am, but do you know what that means?”
“Yes,” he says, picking at the grass. “It means that you’re the dad that helped make me, but my dad is the one who is helping me be a man. You know I’m going to be in the Navy, too.”
I laugh even though I find nothing funny about this situation. It’s not the Navy part that bothers me, but that he says Nate is the one who’s helping him become the man he should be.
I want to be that person.
“I don’t know how to talk to a five-year old,” I tell him, thinking he probably doesn’t understand me. “Listen EJ, I’m new at this and I’m going to make a lot of mistakes, but I love you and have loved you since you were just this little bean in your mommy’s tummy. I was so excited when we found out you were coming, but I had to go to work. My job took a very long time to finish, but I’m here now and I want to be your dad. Does this make sense to you?”
“I dunno. Mom says that I can call you ‘Dad’ if I want.”
My heart soars with anticipation until he speaks again and says, “But I like calling you Eban because it’s the same name as me.”
Swallowing hard, I try to ward off the emotions threatening to take over. I bring my knees to my chest, resting my arms over them and grabbing my wrist with my hand.
“Are you crying, Eban?”
“No,” I shake my head. “My eyes are just sweating.”
He laughs and I smile, but it’s forced. Clearing my throat, I say, “Do you think that maybe you’ll want to call me ‘Dad’ someday?”
He shrugs and places his picked grass onto his leg. “Do you think my dad will be mad?”
I want to be a damn child and yell at him, telling him that Nate is not his dad, but I’ll save that for Ryley and Nate later.
Instead, I shake my head knowing I’ve not earned the right to say what I want where EJ’s concerned, but real
izing he doesn’t know that. He doesn’t know me. “I think he’ll understand.”
EJ briefly looks over his shoulder again. His little hand grabs a fist full of grass, pulling hard until he brings up clumps of dirt.
“Why do you look like my dad?”
“Why do you think you look like me?” I counter.
He shrugs. “I dunno.”
I stop talking for fear that I’ll say something stupid. I should’ve stayed at River’s today. I should’ve never agreed to come to the park when Ryley called and invited me. I let River and Frannie encourage me and now here I am, confused and hurt. I feel empty and half of who I am on the inside. The love of my life is in love with a man I share DNA with and they’re raising my son together whether I like it or not.
EJ stands and brushes off his legs. “See ya later, Eban.” And before I can ask him to stay he’s gone. He runs back to Ryley and Nate as if his ass were on fire. I’m watching him the whole way, fighting every urge to scream, kick, fight, run after him, cry and beg for him to just accept me as his dad.
As soon as I see Ryley heading in my direction, I stand and walk away. I don’t want to talk to her, not today and probably not tomorrow. I may be a meathead, but I’m not stupid and I refuse to be treated as such. The writing is on the wall. She and Nate are going to stay together, my feelings be damned.
“Evan, wait.”
“Can’t, gotta go,” I tell her, without stopping. Her hand pulls on my arm until she’s standing in front of me.
“Where are you going?”
“Home. I mean River’s. Away. What does it matter?”
She blanches at my answers and her eyes widen. They’re the same beautiful green eyes that stared at me when she was lying on the ground after I hit her with the football. “What’s going on?”
I shake from the anger coursing through my body right now. Her dumb act isn’t lost on me. Pulling at the ends of my hair in frustration, I let out a loud groan.
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