“Cara couldn’t accept me for me.” I know why Cara asked me not to re-enlist. It made sense then and still makes sense now, but to me, I’m a SEAL and I’ll always be one.
“Right after Evan died, Lois took me to a grief meeting. You know the type, where we sit around in a circle and tell everyone our story. Anyway, this woman told everyone that she lost her sister and brother-in-law, but that her sister was still alive. The counselor asked her to explain what she meant and she said that she and her sister had both married soldiers, but hers came back and now her sister wouldn’t speak to her anymore. That’s how I see Cara. She was here when Evan died and saw what it did to us. She didn’t want to experience that. No one does, really.
“Being with a SEAL is hard. You’re gone a lot. There are times when you don’t make it home for dinner. There are days when we can’t talk because you’re off training someplace. There’s an unknown and I can understand why she was hesitant.”
“It’s in the past now, Ryley. Besides, everyone is going to feel differently,” I say, as I rub my hand up and down her calf.
“I hate the word ‘feel’,” she scoffs. “I’m not sure how I’m supposed to feel, Nate. I’m so torn in half that I can’t even breathe. I asked you both for space and you’ve given it to me, but it’s not helping. I need you both in my life and I know it’s not possible. I want to walk in my front door and have you both sitting on the couch waiting. It’s sick and twisted, but it’s what I want. I want my cake with the frosting and side of ice cream and I want to eat it in my bed.
“If I choose Evan, it hurts you and you’re my best friend. You’re my rock, my foundation. Choosing Evan damages your relationship with EJ and confuses him. I know that’s on me. I know EJ’s pain will be my burden to bear. But if I choose you, I’ve lost Evan again and I’m not sure I can survive that. It’s selfish and I hate myself for thinking that way. But as I sit here and stare at him on the wall and think about everything he’s missed because someone in this world chose to take him away from us, I ask myself how I can do that? How can I deny him something that he didn’t give up willingly?”
This time when she sobs I’m there to pull her into my arms. Her tears soak my bare skin as she muffles her cries in my neck. I knew this moment was coming, I just didn’t expect it to be today.
“I want to take your pain away. I do. I’d give anything for us to go back two months ago and make time stop. You’re a good woman and you don’t deserve this.”
“That’s just it. I don’t want time to stop. I want Evan here. And because I’m having those feelings while engaged to another man, I do deserve this. The letter ‘A’ should be branded into my skin because of the thoughts and feelings I’m having for another man.”
“Ryley, we’ve been dealt the shittiest hand in Vegas. I can’t beg and plead for you to stay with me. I wouldn’t do that. I know how you feel about Evan. I’ve witnessed it. I watched it grow from a simple romance to something powerful and unwavering. I know you and I aren’t on that level and I never expected us to be, but you know that I love you. You know that you’re my world and I’d do anything for you, even step aside if that was what you wanted.”
Ryley doesn’t say anything and that scares me. Did I just willingly hand her over to Evan without meaning to do so? I want to think that I didn’t, but I’m honestly not so sure. It’s hard to compete with someone, but it’s even harder to compete with your twin. Our family has been divided since he passed away. My mother tried to destroy Ryley, and I stepped in to protect her just as I said I would. I didn’t count on falling in love with her, though. This is more than an old high school crush. At least it is for me.
We sit on the floor until EJ comes in looking for us. He crawls into my awaiting arm and snuggles into his mom and me. This is a moment that I need to preserve forever because my time could be up very soon. I could walk out of here today and never see them again. It’d kill me, but if Ryley asked me to do that, I would.
“What are you guys doing?” Livvie stands in the doorway, hair piled on top of her head and half asleep.
“Just hanging out,” I tell her.
“Uh huh, well come on EJ, let’s go make some breakfast.”
“And toon toons,” he says as he chases her out of the room.
“I’m going to go shower.” Ryley disengages herself from my arms and even though it’s warm in here, I instantly feel cold. I know I have to do something to save us, but I’m not sure what.
“Want to go on a date?” I blurt out, without a plan. “We haven’t been out in a while, obviously, and we could use a night out.”
“I’d like that.” Her smile says everything and nothing at the same time. She stands, leaving me on the floor alone. No kiss goodbye, just a smile. I’m not sure how I’m supposed to take that.
“Can I take EJ to the zoo?” Ryley looks up at me before answering Livvie. We’ve been relaxing on the couch for the past hour or so, just watching TV and pretending like our world is perfect.
EJ is standing next to Livvie with his hands bent like dog paws, his way of begging. “I don’t see why not. Do you need any money?”
“No, I’m all set. We’ll be back by dinner.” EJ jumps up with a triumphant “Yes!” and doesn’t even say goodbye to us. As soon as the door shuts, Ryley is back in my arms, cuddled up where she belongs.
The doorbell rings and Deefur starts barking. He runs to the door before I have a chance to get up and answer it.
“Can’t believe they forgot something,” she says as I follow behind the anxious dog.
“What’d you forget?” I say, swinging the door open.
“Hello, little brother.”
Evan stands before me with a cocky grin on his face. Behind him stands the woman who left me and has been on my mind all day. Call it fate, or just dumb luck, either way I’m not sure how I feel about seeing her right now.
“Cara,” I say, sounding out of breath. I want to ask Evan if he called her, brought her for a reason, but I know he didn’t. He wouldn’t have known how to find her.
“Hello, Nate.” She’s formal, and not how I remember her at all. The way she used to say my name told me that she cared and right now she makes me sound like a subject.
“Are you going to invite us in?”
I want him to leave and take Cara with him, but I don’t say that. Instead I push the door open and step aside. Evan walks in first and as soon as Cara is over the threshold, I shut the door behind her.
“How long have you lived here?”
This is why I don’t want Cara here. I don’t want to do this with her. Answering twenty questions about my relationship with Ryley that started well after she and I broke up is none of her business. But in her line of work, she probably already knows how long I’ve lived here.
“What are you doing here, Cara?”
She turns and smiles softly. “I think we have a mutual acquaintance.” She leaves me standing there as she walks into the living room.
“Cara,” I hear excitement in Ryley’s voice, and when I round the corner they’re hugging. I guess that’s a good sign.
“I knew you’d play dirty, but this is low,” I say to Evan as quietly as I can.
He chuckles. “Cara found me,” he says as his facial expression changes. “She has information that I think you’ll be interested in.”
I watch her and Ryley talk animatedly on the couch, wondering what Cara could know and if any of it will help us figure out this mess.
“But, yeah it’s pretty damn convenient, isn’t it?” he says with a smirk on his face.
BRINGING CARA HERE IS probably the best idea I’ve ever had. Seeing Nate’s reaction to his ex-girlfriend standing next to me was priceless, except that wasn’t my intent. She’s here strictly for work. The simple fact that she’s willing to help us means a lot and I’m not willing to pass up the resources she has. I’m not telling my brother that, though. He can think whatever he wants and if it gets him away from Ryley sooner, so be it.
As much as I want to see Ryley and Cara hate each other, they don’t. They’re standing in the middle of the living room hugging and carrying on like long lost friends. I don’t know how Cara can be like that with her, knowing that Ryley is now engaged to Nate. Maybe it’s just me that has a problem with Ryley and Nate.
Not wanting to be caught in another awkward situation, I head into the kitchen. I’m thankful that Nate isn’t in here because I need to get my head straight. Cara asked some important questions last night that got me thinking and that’s how we ended up here this morning. Carole, McCoy, River and Rask are going to be joining us as well. We need to put our heads together and map out a timeline.
When Ryley walks into the kitchen she finds me leaning up against the counter. We make eye contact and there’s a small hint of a smile that’s playing on her lips. I want to taste those lips so damn badly, but I told her that I couldn’t do this anymore and I meant it. It’s not that I don’t want her, I do. Those feelings will never go away, but I can’t be a yo-yo...
If she wants me she’s going to have to show me.
Looking at her now I see the same beautiful woman who sent my heart into a tailspin the first day we met, bruised eye and all. Every fiber of my being is pushing me to go to her. To turn my mind off and listen to my heart, but I can’t. Being without her for six years was hard enough, and knowing she was waiting for me when I came home is what kept me going. Right now I feel like I’m dying on the inside without her and I don’t know how to tell her how I feel without sounding like a broken record. In all our years together I’ve only pleaded with her once and that was when she tried to break-up with me before I went to basic training. It may be time to start begging again.
“Did you call Cara? Did you ask her to come… for Nate?” she asks, moving closer to me. I’m not sure if I should be offended that she and Nate think so little of me, but whatever. If Cara being here works to my advantage, so be it.
“I think you give me too much credit, babe. She found me at Magoo’s last night.” Ryley is close enough to me that if I were to push myself away from the counter I’d be in front of her in a flash. She wouldn’t be able to resist me even if she tried.
“We should talk,” Cara says as she enters the kitchen with Nate following, interrupting whatever moment Ryley and I were having. His disgruntled appearance doesn’t escape my attention either. I’m glad to see that he’s feeling like I have this past month, even if Cara is only here to do a job.
“Outside,” Nate orders. I motion for Ryley to go first because I like watching her walk in front of me with her stupid short shorts and oversized Navy t-shirt that I have no doubt was mine. I used to buy the shirts and wear them a few times before she’d think she was stealing them. She’ll never know I let her do it because there’s just something sexy about the woman you love walking around in your clothes.
“Where’s EJ?” I ask, as we walk down the deck stairs into the backyard.
“Livvie took him to the zoo,” Ryley says as she looks over her shoulder. Everything moves in slow motion as her hair sways and her smile fades when she sees me. “What’s wrong?”
I shake my head and stick my hand out. “Can I use your phone?” She reaches into her back pocket and hands it over without hesitation. I pull out the piece of paper I’ve been keeping phone numbers on and dial Rask’s number.
“Hey man, can you head to the zoo and look for my sister? She has my son with her and I just want to make sure they’re okay.”
“Yeah, sure. Do you want me to hang out with them?”
I think about it but realize that Livvie would probably freak out if she thought they were in any danger and that’s the last thing I want. “No, just watch them and make sure they get back to Ryley’s okay.”
“No problem. You’ll fill me in when I get there?” Rask asks. He’s lost too, but differently. When we left for Cuba, he was just a young kid and a year out of BUD/S training. Since our return, his family has disowned him, saying they buried their son. He wants to prove to them that he is who he says he is.
“Yeah, I’ll be here. Please, keep them safe.” I’m not above begging where my family is concerned.
“You know I will.”
Ending my call, I hand Ryley her cell phone back. “I’m almost afraid to ask, but I have to know. Are they okay?”
“They’ll be fine,” I reassure her, using this opportunity to push her hair behind her ear. I let my fingers linger on her skin, enjoying the jolt of electricity.
“When are you going to get a cell phone, Archer?”
I shrug. “Why, babe, do you want to sext me?”
Ryley’s eyes go wide and I laugh. “You’d probably like that.”
“Oh Ry, you have no idea.” I kiss her quickly on her nose and step aside, leaving her standing there. Thing is, there hasn’t ever been a reason for me to believe I would need things like a cell phone or a car. I’ve been using Ryley’s car since I returned, but I’m sure she’s ready to have it back. At this point I don’t even know what I have for money. I should probably sit down with Ryley or my mom and figure that out so I can re-establish myself in society.
As soon as everyone arrives, we gather around the picnic table. I remember when Ryley and I bought this thing. It was barely being held together and I ended up working all weekend to replace the two-by-fours. Ryley would sand down the wood after I finished nailing the pieces together. After she stained it, I carved our initials into the side. It’s the first thing I feel for when I sit down now and it’s enough of a relief to know that they’re still there.
Carole sits down on one side of me while Ryley is on the other. My knee automatically moves to touch Ryley’s leg. I try not to smile when she presses back, but this kind of shit makes me happy.
Cara chooses to sit next to Ryley and part of me wants to thank her, but I don’t know if she’s doing it because they’re friends or if she’s trying to keep Nate from sitting there. When Nate sits across from her, I wonder if he’ll reach out to her after we’re done here today. Does he have residual feelings for her? Will she be his back-up plan? It’s what I want if it gives Ryley a clear conscience. I know she’s afraid of hurting Nate, but her indecisiveness is slowly killing me.
McCoy sits down next to Cara and River is the last to sit down, taking the seat across from him. Cara starts talking first, recounting what she told me last night and we all start taking notes. I have everything memorized but still write things down. I’m hoping that if I read over everything multiple times it’ll start making sense. Right now, it’s just a bunch of names that mean nothing.
“I think I’d like to hear about the day you guys got orders,” Cara says, knowing that she’s asking us to break our silence. Thing is, we shouldn’t, but we haven’t seen our Captain since we got back. No one has called us in. We haven’t been debriefed and honestly, shit is just weird. There’s a Senator running around town, which could be connected or could just be completely random. The Naval Special Warfare Group 1 Commander is lurking, which I find odd only because he’s refusing to question us. And if there’s something up with O’Keefe, where’s the investigation?
McCoy, River and I look at each other. Cara knows some things, but not much and truthfully, we don’t even know everything. We don’t ask a lot of questions when orders are given. We expect that the information we’re provided is the best and not meant to harm us. We expect to encounter hostiles. We expect to exchange gunfire. We expect to be tested to the best of our abilities. We expect to come home. When you put all those together, our mission was exactly as it was meant to be, except for the amount of time it took and why.
Maybe that’s the question, why were we gone for so long on something that seems so simple? Why weren’t we relieved of our duty to have others take our place? I know I asked many times when we were going home. Hell, every time we met for extraction, more orders were given. After a while, you stop asking. You start trying to think ahead of your enemy and figure out their next mov
e and beat them to it. You do anything you can to get home.
Before you know it, time is one continuous moment. One month turned into two, two into four and four into a year. O’Keefe made it possible for me to call home when Ryley had EJ, but I could never get through. I haven’t asked her about that, but now I’m wondering if her number had changed. Was she being so bothered by the news that she needed to shut her life off from them? Or did the number I dialed never go anywhere? Was this mission a set-up to hide something bigger?
I look around at my family and team and know that I’m about to sing like a canary. I want to know who ruined our lives and I want them to pay.
Before I can say anything, River speaks. “Christina Charlotte’s daughter had been kidnapped,” he says, keeping his voice calm. “We were told only the specifics and where to find her. O’Keefe flew with us to Cuba, filling us in, saying we didn’t have time for a debriefing. He told us that due to the upcoming election, she didn’t want it in the press because it could sway voters. We knew when we landed that this would be hard, but O’Keefe kept saying it would be an easy snatch and grab. We weren’t to open fire, just sneak in and get her.
“When we found her, she was tied to a chair and had been beaten. McCoy went through the window and was able to get her out of there before anyone saw us, but the extraction didn’t happen. Hiding in the jungle with a ten-year old isn’t the easiest thing to do, especially when she doesn’t know if she can trust us, she’s hungry and wants her dad.”
“That’s what I found odd,” McCoy says. “She kept asking for her dad when most girls would ask for their mom.”
“Our ride back to the homeland didn’t show up,” I add. “We had to take cover and like River said, being with a kid who’s scared isn’t easy. McCoy stayed with her while Rask and I set up a perimeter around them and River tried to establish communications. When they realized the girl was gone, shit got crazy. They started yelling ‘¡Nos va matar!’, ‘he’s going to kill us’, and when the first gun went off she screamed, alerting them to our position. We hadn’t realized that they had people in our area so our position had been compromised.”
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