Choose Me

by Heidi McLaughlin

  My lips explore her body as I nip and taste my way over her skin. Her neck invites me to mark her, to tell everyone who sees her that she is mine, but I won’t do that to her. And when her hips buck against mine I give her the pressure that she needs. I haven’t dry humped this woman since she was seventeen years old, but if that’s what she needs right now, who am I to say no?

  Sharp nails dig into my back as I move against her. My freaking balls are going to be purple at this rate, but I don’t care. Ryley angles herself so that I have no choice but to kiss her. I’m not complaining. I’ll happily kiss her until the sun comes up and sets again if that’s what she needs from me.

  I push against her and swallow her moans as she rocks against me. I love how her body responds to me... the eagerness of needing to be connected, showing me that it belongs to me as it molds against me. It’s been far too many years since we’ve even come close to being like this, but I haven’t forgotten her signs. I clutch her hands in mine; my anchor to keep from touching her because I know if I do there will be no stopping me. I pull away from her so I can look in her eyes when she lets go. It’s a face I only have in my memories and after so many years apart, that memory has faded.

  Green eyes stare a back at me, eyes that first caught my attention years ago. She knows what I’m waiting for and is willing to submit to me as I continue to rock against her. Her back arches off the couch and her eyes close briefly.

  “Do you need this from me?” I ask her, whispering into her ear. She nods as I move faster until I feel her legs squeeze my hips and her body tenses. Ryley seeks my mouth to bury her cries as our clothed bodies slide against each other. After the tension in her legs subsides, I kiss down her neck and over her shoulder, across the top of her breasts until her breathing evens out.

  Disengaging from her is the last thing I want, but falling asleep on top of her might not be met with a round of applause in the morning either. Adjusting myself, I roll onto my side, bringing her with me. Trailing my fingers over her cheekbone, I seek reassurance in her eyes. It’s there, but I still need the words. I still need her to tell me that I’m the one she wants.

  “That was unexpected,” I tell her hoping that she doesn’t come back with something off the wall like, “well Nate and I did that last night so I’m just testing out my options” because if she did, I’d die right here and now.

  “I’m sorry. I know you must be frustrated with me.”

  Oh, she has no idea. “I’m not, Ry. I know you need time.” I say as I wrap her in my arms.

  She pushes back slightly, with her hand on my chest. “I need you to know something, Evan. The day in the park, it wasn’t what you thought. EJ asked if you were his dad and I couldn’t lie to him. Not anymore. I’ve been lying to him for five years and when he looked me in the eye and asked if Eban was his dad I just lost it. I’m so sorry that you weren’t there.”

  “Me too,” I say, pulling her to my chest. This is how we fall asleep, with me holding her and her leg in between mine. This is how we used to sleep when I’d visit her at school or she’d come to the base on the weekends. We’d fall asleep like this the night before I’d deploy or leave on missions.

  The last time I held her like this, I didn’t see her for six years.

  I hated leaving Ryley and EJ this morning, but in my haste to make sure she wasn’t alone with Nate any longer than necessary yesterday, I forgot to bring any clothes over with me. River and Frannie are gone when I arrive, and I honestly feel uncomfortable being here when they’re not home. Although, had I known the house would be empty, I’d probably have had Cara meet me here and let her snoop around. I’m still not convinced that Frannie was just pining away, thinking her husband would return any moment. I can understand her keeping things around the house – hell, Ryley did it, too – but there definitely wasn’t fresh beer in the fridge when I showed up.

  Then there’s the note threatening Ryley’s life that showed up at the house. Only Frannie, Lois and Carter knew we’d be there and the note was clearly meant for us. Adding the word “she” was the mistake made there. A message meant to scare us into stopping our own investigation is done the opposite way so it has only spurred us on. If those three are our suspects, I’d easily eliminate Lois and Carter unless they’re in some type of trouble, but I doubt that. I don’t see Carter doing anything to hurt Ryley. Frannie is the wildcard in my mind, but I can’t pinpoint why and that bothers me.

  Turning on the water, I undress as it warms up. Stepping in, the hot water burns my skin, but the pain is welcomed. It reminds me that I’m alive and for that I’m thankful. Call it a hazard of the job, but there’s been too many times in my life that I have had thoughts about death. Just this once I want to feel like no one is behind me, lurking in the shadows. I know it’s a lot to ask, considering what I’ve been through.

  I wash quickly, wanting to get back to Ryley. It’s not that I need to be there to protect her, that’s a given. I need to be with her, feel her presence. Having her near is like fuel for my soul. She’s the sunshine in my life, even when it’s raining.

  After drying off, I use my towel to clean the fogged over bathroom mirror. I’m in need of a shave and a decent haircut. While we were gone we each took turns shaving each other’s heads with our knives. Not the smartest thing to do, but effective nonetheless. I think I’ll call Jensen and see if EJ and I can meet him today so we can head down to the barbershop and get us all a clean shave. EJ, of course, will just get to play in the shaving cream.

  Once I’m dressed, I’m back in the bathroom cleaning up after myself. This is another reason why I don’t like staying here. I feel like I’m intruding and don’t want to leave a mess. If I were at Ryley’s I wouldn’t worry about wiping everything down and making sure the sink is clean after I’ve brushed my teeth. I open the door to the cabinet under the sink to find any type of cleaning product possible. I feel like a creeper, invading their privacy.

  Spotting the cleaner, I reach for it, knocking over a stack of towels. My heart stops when I see a black cell phone with a red blinking light. I pick it up and hold it in my hand, turning it over and wishing that my eyes were deceiving me. What would a cell phone – and not just any cell phone, but a Blackberry – be doing hiding in between a stack of towels in the bathroom?

  The phone vibrates and the screen illuminates, alerting whoever this belongs to that they have a new message. My finger hovers over the OK button, knowing that if I look I’ll be breaking the trust of River and Frannie. However, I know if I don’t look I’ll always suspect that Frannie is somehow involved in our mess.

  Sitting against the tub, I press the button and the message pops up.

  They’re getting close. Feds are in town.

  I’ve always been the type of warrior to see things for what they are and I’m seeing this for exactly what it is. Someone in this house knows more than they’re saying and as much as I want to sit here and read through these messages, I need to get this to someone I trust. Locking the screen I slide the phone into my pocket and fix the towels. Someone is going to come looking for this phone and know it’s gone, but I’m okay with that because I’ll be ready for their next move.

  The last thing I do before leaving River’s is grab my stuff. If I have to stay in a hotel, then so be it, but I can’t stay in this house knowing that either one of them could be involved. My money is on Frannie, but why? Why would she do something like this and for what?

  That’s what I have to find out.

  My options are limited. I can’t go to base and give this to Carole; I don’t trust anyone there. Nate is likely on base as he’s still on active duty so that leaves Cara, except I don’t have a phone to call her with and that means going back to Ryley’s. I really need to get a cell phone because trying to be James Bond without one is cramping my style.

  As soon as I pull into Ryley’s driveway, Nate pulls in behind me. Normally, I’d be seeing red, but right now he can help. I get out of the car and walk toward him. He
gets out, with his hands up.

  “I know it’s your day, but after listening to everyone last night you have to know that I want to help.”

  “I know,” I say, shocking even myself.

  “You do?”

  “Yes, and I have a ticking time bomb in my pocket, but I’m not sure this is a safe place to talk. I saw a few nondescript black cars before I pulled in and call me suspicious all you want because I am.”

  “What’s the bomb?” he asks.

  “Random device with a few messages that need to be read,” I say, looking around.

  Nate nods and pulls out his phone. “Let me call Jensen and have him come over to stay with Ryley.”

  That’s probably the first thing I’ve heard him say since I’ve been back that I agree with. While he’s on the phone, I run into the house. Ryley and EJ are in the kitchen. He’s coloring and she’s dancing around, moving her body to the music playing through the radio. As much as I’d love to stay and watch, I can’t. Grabbing her by the waist, she lets out a little yelp until her eyes meet mine.

  “Do me a favor?”

  “Anything,” she says, out of breath.

  “Lock every god damn door and window in this house and set your alarm. Make sure Deefur is with you at all times and go get your gun and keep it near you. Your dad is on his way over. Do not open the door for anyone but him, Nate or me. Am I clear?” I say into her ear, thankful that the radio can drown me out. “I’ll be with Nate,” I say. I pull away in time to see a small smile play on her lips. I know this is what she wants, but she really shouldn’t read into anything.

  Holding her chin between my thumb and forefinger I look for any sign that she’s afraid. It’s there, but she knows how to be a warrior. She’s strong.

  “I love you.” I kiss her quickly before stopping in front of EJ.

  Leaning in, I say, “Remember when you went and hid from Nate the other day?” he nods so I continue. “If your mom tells you to do that, you go and don’t come out until me, Nate or Grandpa comes to get you, okay?” He nods and runs to Ryley.

  I hate that they’re scared, but they need to be on alert. I blow them both kisses and motion to the windows, reminding her to lock them. If Frannie is involved, she’s had unlimited access to this house and for all I know it’s bugged.

  Nate’s in his car when I come out and I hurry over, sliding into the passenger seat. “Jensen is on his way and Carole and Cara are meeting us.”

  “Where are we going?” I ask, as he pulls out of the driveway. My eyes are on every car we pass as we drive down the road.

  “To the one place they least expect you to show up.”

  THIS IS HOW EVAN’S homecoming should’ve been – him and I running off to hang out, doing the brotherly thing - but that’s not the case. The only reason he’s in my car right now is because we have the same agenda… to find out who is behind everything. “Everything” is such a broad word when you think about it, but how else do you describe it? From what I can tell there are multiple players involved and each one is hiding something different from us.

  When I pull into the cemetery, I expect Evan to balk but he doesn’t. He just looks out of the window without saying a word. I stop in front of his grave and get out, leaving him to follow. With my hands pushed into my pockets, I glare at his tombstone for the lies that it holds.

  “I’m never going to expect that you’ll understand about Ryley and me. Sometimes I don’t even understand it. But when you died, a piece of me died with you. All I had left was your unborn child. Twins have a special bond and as of late I have questioned that bond, but I know now that I used EJ to fill the void... the emptiness... that your death left me with.

  “The day we buried you, it poured. Mom didn’t want to have a burial outside, but I wouldn’t let you go into that ground without a proper goodbye. I flinched each time the rifles went off and bloodied my hand when I pounded my Trident into your coffin. I stayed until you were lowered in. I was here when the sexton covered you with dirt. For one week I laid vigil next to you because you didn’t have a tombstone and I needed everyone who walked by to know that you were my brother, that you lost your life fighting for this country and that I had lost my best friend.

  “You asked me when were eighteen to protect that girl, knowing full well how I felt about her. I loved her, Evan, and I still do, but it’s not the same love the two of you share. I was there, though. I picked her up off the ground. I made her eat so the baby could grow. So that she could have a piece of you forever, so that I had someone in my life that represented my brother. I was selfish in every way possible, and yet I don’t regret it.

  “She’s just so damn easy to love, Evan. It was hard not to fall for her after Cara left. Everything that I was to her, she was to me in return when Cara walked out of my life. She rebuilt me when I was a broken man and she did so by loving and treating me as her equal.

  “I know what you’re going through when you look at EJ. This little baby that I held hours after he was born was my one link to you. I vowed to protect him with everything that I am and will continue to do so until the day I die. The day he called me ‘Daddy’, I cried. I was on my knees, crying right here asking for your help, asking for you to tell me what to do, to give me a sign that everything was going to be okay.

  “But nothing was okay. Cara was gone. She left me because I re-enlisted. She didn’t want to lose me the same way Ryley lost you, so walking away was easier for her. I asked Ryley what to do and she didn’t know. Her heart never healed after losing you. We were two lost people trying to raise a little boy who saw his little daycare friends call the other men in their lives ‘Dad’. He just followed them.

  “Ryley and I haven’t been together that long. I’m assuming she told you that, but if she hasn’t, you can hear it from me. It was years, Evan, before she’d look at me, let alone another man. There would be days that she wouldn’t move from the couch, usually around your birthday, anniversary or the date you died. Songs would bring her to her knees or EJ would do something that reminded her of you and she’d be right back in a funk.

  “I’m not her magic cure, I didn’t make missing you any easier. I’m just the guy who knew how she felt and was willing to love her regardless of her loving another man. I know I’ll never be number one in her heart and that’s something I knew when things started changing for us. But seeing her smile, hearing her laughter after a corny joke, or watching her eyes light up when she had good news was worth every bit of herself that she shared with me.”

  Birds chirp around us, keeping the awkward silence at bay. Evan sighs heavily next to me as we stand over his grave. The flowers that I brought when I returned have wilted and are falling over. His American flag is off center, likely from the landscapers. I want to fix it, but at the same time I don’t know if the man buried in the coffin is worthy of a flag. I don’t even know if there’s a body in there.

  “Are you going to let her go?” It’s not the question I thought he’d ask, and frankly I don’t have an answer for him. I sigh and keep my gaze on the ground.

  “I still hate you,” he says after a moment, “but I understand. Thank you for telling me.”

  I nod due to the lack of words I have to say right now.

  “Is that why you brought me here?”

  “No, I’ve needed to say that to you for a while, but we’re never alone and the last time we were was after you tried to kill me in a bar fight.” I laugh, but the situation we’re in isn’t funny. “I brought you here because if we’re being followed or trailed, they’re not going to look for you here. The last place, at least in my opinion that a man wants to go hang out at is his grave. Cara and Carole are on their way here.”

  “Tell me about Cara?” he asks as a slight smile forms on my face. Just like Ryley is Evan’s favorite subject, at one point Cara was mine. Some habits, like smiling when I hear her name, are hard to break.

  I shake my head. “You died and everything changed. Being a SEAL’s wife didn�
��t appeal to her anymore so she left and I let her go. I didn’t ask her to stay because the rejection, I think, would’ve been worse and I didn’t want to hold her back either.”

  “The letters that I received, they never talked about Cara. I was so happy to hear from Ryley that I didn’t think about what Cara was doing or what you were doing. Hell, I didn’t even know that Carter and Lois had a kid until the other day. I wrote you, though. And O’Keefe assured me that you knew what was going on... that you were keeping Ryley safe.”

  Looking at Evan as he stares at his grave makes me wish he had those letters. “He lied. I know you don’t want to believe me, but I’m telling you the truth. If I knew what was going on, I would’ve done something. Carole would’ve done something. After you died, she looked into everything, trying to figure out why you guys were over there and found nothing.” I shift my stance, kicking some grass as I do. “Do you remember any of those letters?”

  He looks up and shakes his head. “I wish. I memorized the important things like EJ’s birthday. Sometimes the letters were short, others were long. They were all typed. Then there would be months when we wouldn’t get anything and now that I think about, we’d ask about getting the hell out of there and suddenly a box would come. We’d get pictures, letters, sometimes clothes and our favorite foods all days later after asking. It was like whoever was behind this had a team with them. I don’t know.”

  The crunching of gravel sounds around us, causing us both to look. Cara and Carole get out of their shared car and make their way over to us. Carole stands next to Evan, while Cara takes my side and even though it’s been years since she and I have been together, the urge to grab her hand is there. I’m thankful I’ve left my hands in my pockets or I’d have some explaining to do.

  “Why are we here?”

  “Thought we’d dig up my body,” Evan says as he laughs, earning a slap from Carole and an eye roll from Cara. “Sorry, I found this under some towels in the bathroom at River’s house. As I was holding it a text message came in. I haven’t looked at the messages on there because honestly it’s been some time since I’ve touched a cell phone and I didn’t want to risk erasing something.” He holds the Blackberry in the palm of his hand and the indicator light blinks rapidly.