Choose Me

by Heidi McLaughlin

  Hey Babe,

  It sucks here. I’m going to tell you the truth because I know you’ll listen. But first I’m going to tell you how much I love you and how much I miss you. Okay, back to the suck. It’s gross, brown and dirty all the time. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but if I never go to the beach again it’ll be too soon. Will you still love me if we become people who only go to the Country Club?

  Love, Archer

  I pick up one after another, reading the words that I wrote her from basic training, deployments and when I was just miles away from her while she was in college. Letter after letter of my life in detail, written just for her, are spread out on the bedroom floor. I remember everything that I wrote to her, like when my dad died and even though I came home and saw her, I still put it into words because she would listen and I needed to get it off my chest.

  Dear Ryley,

  How are you? I wish I could say that I’m well, but things are hard. Aside from missing you, everything about Afghanistan is hell. Sometimes I wonder how our lives would be different if I had accepted a scholarship to play football or baseball, instead of enlisting. But then I think about how I love serving my country and how I know I’m protecting you and think that I need to kick my own ass for second-guessing my career choice. I know it’s only months until I can see you again, but when you break down the hours, it seems like forever.

  I love you, Babe.

  Love, Archer

  “You kept them all?”

  “Yeah. I had them in a box in the attic and something just told me I needed to bring them out.”

  Hey Babe,

  I just left your room and can’t stop thinking about what we just did. If your father knew, he’d kill me, but damn it if that wasn’t the hottest, sexiest moment of my life.

  “This one,” I say, holding up the letter. “Do you remember this night?”

  Ryley leans into me and looks at the letter. Her breasts brush against my arm and are on full display for my bugged out eyes. I swallow hard and will the sensation growing in my shorts to go away. Tonight is not the night for a serious session of dry humping, even if it’s what I want.

  “Oh, I remember,” she says, leaning into me more instead of moving away from me.

  “Me too. It was my last night home before my orders came in. You still had to graduate so you couldn’t come with me. I hated that. We had dinner with your mom and dad, but you had a curfew and I respected that. I truly did. But that night I was sitting in my room thinking about you and I needed you. It wasn’t some chance to blow my nut or to just have sex. My body needed yours in a way I can’t describe. I was never more thankful for the training I had until that night, when I climbed the tree by your window and landed on your roof without waking your dad.

  “You wanted me just as bad. I remember your little whimpers as we kissed and how your back arched off the hardwood floor when I entered you. Making love to you that night was the most intense feeling in my life. I don’t know if it was the danger, or fact that our lips never left each other. Every moan, every gasp and every inhale, we shared as one.” As I’m recounting this night, her fingers trail over my body. Her fingers trace the outline of my muscles. Goosebumps rise in their wake, making the hair on my arms stand at attention. I look at her and it’s a mistake because I want her more than ever. Ryley’s eyes are hooded and full of lust. Her bottom lip is pulled between her teeth. It’s her sign, and one I am very familiar with. I swallow hard and continue retelling a story that she knows as well as I do.

  “I got on that bus the next morning a changed man. I knew deep in my heart that no one would ever compare to you. That no one else would ever own my heart and soul. That night you branded me as yours.” The entire time I’m recounting this story, I can’t stop staring at her. I silently hope that what I say will remind her how we feel about each other and she will finally make a decision... the only decision as far as I’m concerned.

  I don’t know how much longer I can wait.

  “I couldn’t believe that we did that, on the floor no less, with my parents down the hall.”

  I laugh and pick up a few more letters. “I think your dad would still kill me if he ever found out. You should probably hide that letter a little better.” I read a few more, each one bringing back a different memory until I can’t take it anymore. Sitting next to her and reading about the things I want to do to her is causing a serious problem for me.

  “I’m going to go,” I tell her as I attempt to stand, but she grabs my hand, holding me in place.

  “Don’t go.”

  I shake my head. “Ryley,” I say sighing, “it’s been a long time since I’ve been with you and reading these letters, and remembering that night… I just… I really need to go.” I’m having an internal battle with myself and it’s taking everything in me to stop from just putting my heart on the line and telling her how I feel, how I can’t take the wait anymore. But if I let my walls down now, will I push her away too soon? As much as I want to stay, as much as I want to be with her, I know I can’t push her so it’s best for me to leave before I do something I’ll end up regretting.

  “Can you do me a favor?” she asks quietly, her hand still holding on to my arm.

  I want to roll my eyes because she knows that I’ll do anything for her, all she has to do is ask. “Anything, babe.”

  “Choose me.”

  “Wh… What?” I say, my voice cracking.

  Ryley gets up on her knees and places her hands, cast and all, on my cheeks. “Choose me. Choose EJ. Choose the life we were supposed to have. Choose to live in our house and raise our son together.”

  “Wait... I don’t understand. I thought that you and N–”

  Her lips cut off my sentence. All it takes is the gentle brush of her lips across mine, and I’m a mess. I chase her lips, making the kiss more forceful as I work to make my mark on her mouth. I pull her down on me so that she’s straddling my lap and push my erection into her flimsy shorts. I hiss as she grinds against me, and the ache in my balls grows increasingly painful. I push her off slightly, and am rewarded with the look of pure need as her eyes travel from mine, to my lips, to the rock hard bulge straining against my shorts, and back again. I’ve seen this look before, it’s the same one she gave me that night in her room, the same one she’s given me each time I’ve returned from deployment or a team mission. But right now, I’m really trying not to rush into anything. Not now. Not our first time in six years.

  “Ryley, please,” I plead with her. We’ve had some pretty heavy make-out sessions and one epic dry humping performance, but I’m on the edge about to explode. “I’m not gonna lie, babe, you’re so fucking sexy.” I grip her hips, digging my fingers into her flesh.

  She smiles shyly, biting her lip as she pulls her tank top over her head, giving an absolutely clear sign of what she wants.

  “Fucking hell, Ry. You’re making this really hard.” My words are caught in my throat as she presses down on my erection. The eighteen year old in me returns, remembering the first time we made love. The roles are reversed now with me being unsure. It’s been so long, I’m afraid of making a mistake, but if I don’t touch her soon I’m going to die. Without taking my eyes off her until I have no choice I kiss along her collarbone until I reach the valley of her breasts.

  Ryley leans back slightly, giving me the space I need. My fingers trail over her skin, watching it pebble. Cupping her glorious breasts in my hands, she rocks against me. I lean forward and let my tongue taste her first before pulling her puckered nipple into my mouth. Once I get a taste, it’s not enough.

  Somehow I manage to pick her up and place her on the bed. She pulls me down to her, kissing me deeply as her legs wrap around my waist. I may know how to make her body respond to me, but it’s been years and I think it’s time to refresh my memory.

  Pulling away, I lean back on knees and stare down at the woman I love. I rub my hand over my erection to ease some of the ache, but her eyes follow my hand and when
she sees what I’m doing she licks her lips. I groan at the thought of what she’s offering me.

  “Ryley Clarke, I have to know. Do you love me?”

  “Yes,” her voice is sweet, yet husky.

  “Do you want to be with me?”

  “Yes.”

  “Only me, now and forever?”

  She nods and reaches for me. “Evan Archer, I want you to make love to me.”

  I pull her hand into mine and realize for the first time that she’s not wearing a ring. Her finger is bare and that, to me, means everything. Standing up, I pull my shirt over my head and toss it onto the floor. I flick the buttons on my shorts and pull down the zipper, letting them drop to the floor next. Her nimble fingers tug at my boxers, yanking them down until I’m free of the fabric confines. When she licks her lips, I’m done for.

  Pushing her back on the bed, I pull down her stupid little shorts only to find she’s naked underneath. “Ry,” my voice breaks as she pulls me to her. Flesh on flesh, the warmth of our skin is our only cover. I kiss her deeply as she wraps her legs around me. Our hands intertwine as our hearts beat loudly over the music.

  I groan when I feel her wetness coat me and hate myself for what I’m about to say to her. “Never in my life will this happen again, but it’s going to take me seconds before I blow. I promise you, I’ll make it up to you all night long.”

  If I didn’t love her so much I’d be angry with her for laughing at me, but I’m not. I close my eyes and enter her and just like that night on her bedroom floor years ago, her back arches and her nails dig into my skin. I don’t kiss her because I need to hear her whimper, I need to hear the intake of breath that she takes from the pressure between her legs.

  Before I can open my eyes, I’m done and embarrassed as hell. After six years of no sex, and two months of blue balls, I’m the master of a quickie. I roll over and cover my face, trying to laugh it off but to no avail.

  Ryley tries to sit up, but I’m on the side where her casted arm is. I move to help her, but only proceed in helping her straddle me again. “I heard guys can last longer if the woman is on top,” she says as she starts rocking back and forth. That’s all it takes for me to be at attention again, that and her glorious breasts bouncing around.

  Bringing my knees up to give her some support, I slip into her and use my hands to guide her hips. As much as I love having her on top, I want to feel her body against mine. I want to hold her, kiss her and see her face when I make her feel like a woman again, like the one I fell in love with so many years ago. I want her to see my face when I let go because right now I feel like a new man...

  A man who finally has everything he’s dreamed of.

  “I DON’T WANT THIS to be awkward,” Evan says, gesturing between us before he hands me a cup of coffee. We’re meeting this morning, away from the house and Ryley. What I have to show him, he needs to see without her being in the room. I’ve hidden a lot of my work from her over the years and while it pains me to hide this, it’s for her own protection.

  “I agree and I know that things between us are rocky, I can respect that.” I take a deep breath and ready myself for what I’m about to say. “I don’t know where things are going, if anywhere, with Cara. Seeing her brought back so many memories and made me realize that the love I have for Ryley doesn’t even scratch the surface of what I feel for Cara. One look and I was taken back to the day I met her and all the time we took falling in love with each other. I know that’s what you feel for Ryley and I should’ve stepped aside. I’m sorry.”

  “Apology accepted,” he says, but I hold my hand up.

  “I’m not done,” I say with a shake of my head. “I love EJ. But I also love Cara and I know in order to have a future with her, if she’ll even consider it, I’m going to have to let that part of EJ go. As much as it’ll kill me to leave, I need to find some happiness.”

  “Leave?” he questions.

  “Cara has a life away from here. I can’t ask her to move but I’m willing to move for her. She came here for me one time in her life, so I would do the same for her. I thought you and I could go to the Clarke’s and just spend some time with EJ and let him see that we’re brothers and not two men vying for his love.”

  “All right,” he agrees, but I feel as if he’s skeptical. I guess I would be, too.

  “But before we go, the other reason I wanted to meet you here is because I have some stuff to show you. Yesterday, Cara and I met with Carole’s contact at the NCIS.” I hold the file folder in my hand. “This shit,” I say, shaking my head. “It’s deep and it hurts. As your brother, I’m furious this even happened. Someone we know knew you were alive.”

  Evan’s face deadpans as he reaches for the file. I hesitate, but only briefly, before handing it over. “Special Agent Blaine will be making an arrest later this afternoon. Carole asked that you be given the opportunity to confront the people concerned and he’s allowing it as a favor to her.”

  He nods as he opens the folder and visibly stiffens. Cara arranged the documents as such that everything he needs to know is on top. He looks up at me with a mixture of anger and sadness. The realization that someone we trusted took away six years of his life is written all over his face. For the first time since I buried a body I thought was my brother, I’m angry. His pain is mine. We share it. Not only has he lost something, but so has EJ, Ryley, our sister and mother, even the Clarke’s. What these people have done is unthinkable and they need to pay.

  “Um…” he clears his throat and grips the side of the table.

  “This is why I want you to see EJ first. Let him calm you down and remind you of what’s at stake. You’re just like me and your first thought is that you want to kill them, but not today. I won’t let you. You’ve suffered enough, we all have, and Ryley and EJ need you. They’re…” I jab at the folder with my index finger, “not worth it. They’ll get theirs in the end. I can promise you that.”

  Evan rubs his hands over his face and yells at the top of his lungs. Bystanders stop and look, but I ignore them. They’re lucky that’s all he’s doing. His leg bounces, a clear sign of agitation and my cue to get him out of here and to a place where I know he’s welcomed.

  “Come on,” I say standing up. “Carole and Jensen are waiting for us.” I pick the folder up off the table and tuck it under my arm. Pausing next to his chair, I’m banking on Evan being more like me in the sense that when I’m on edge, when I need to be talked off the cliff, EJ has been the one to do it. I realize now that could’ve all been because he was my link to Evan, but regardless, I need to try.

  I put my hand on his shoulder and squeeze. “Let’s go see your son,” I say, the word son rolling off my tongue easily. Evan stands and slams his chair into the table, causing the other patrons to jump.

  The drive over to the Clarke’s is a short jaunt from where we are and as soon as we pull in, the garage door opens with Jensen and EJ standing there waving at us.

  “I’m not going to stand in the way of you and your son,” I say, as I turn off the ignition and exit the car. EJ runs up to me, just like I knew he would. I scoop him up and hold him in my arms.

  “Hey buddy.” I pull him into a hug and walk us off to the side of the house, giving us privacy and letting Jensen and Evan chat. I squat, setting EJ down on his feet. When I look into his eyes, I see Evan. Everything about this little boy is Evan, aside from his hair, which is a mixture of Evan’s dark brown and Ryley’s red.

  “Remember at the park when you asked about Evan being your dad?”

  He nods. “’Cause my name is Eban junior and he’s Eban. He kinda looks like me but really look like you.” EJ smiles and that alone makes everything right in my world.

  I sit down, resting my back against the house. In my head everything works out and what I’m about to say makes sense. But in reality, it probably doesn’t and I know I have to tread carefully here. EJ sits in front of me crisscross style and starts picking at the grass.

  “So, I wanted to tell
you today that I’m going to move to a new house, and it’s my hope that Evan moves in with you and your mom.”

  “Why? Don’t you lub me?”

  “I do, and I love your mom, but Evan is your dad and he wants to be your dad. He wants to take you fishing and teach you how to throw a ball. When we were kids, your dad was one of the best football players in our state and he played basketball and baseball. He just wants a chance to teach you what he knows and to show you that you are the most important person in his life.” I look for any sign of resistance or hesitation from EJ and see none, so I continue, “I know it’s hard to understand right now, but maybe when you’re a little bit older, you’ll sit down and talk about everything that happened when you were little.”

  “Are you still gonna be my dad?”

  I don’t want to say no, but it’s the truth. “I think I can be someone a bit cooler than a dad.”

  “What?” he asks, full of excitement.

  “An uncle... and let me tell you why it’s cooler. Being an uncle is the best thing ever because it means I get to do whatever I want and your mom and dad can’t say anything about it. And when you’re upset, you just pick up the phone and call me and I can help you.”

  He looks at me with furrowed brows and shrugs. “Are you and mom still getting married?”

  I shake my head and point to the garage behind me. “I think your dad wants to marry your mom. He’s been waiting a really long time to do that.”

  “Oh,” he says and continues to pick at the grass.

  “Maybe you want to go see your dad for a little bit.”

  EJ stands and wipes off his legs. “Do I have to call him ‘Dad’?”

  Hearing him ask this breaks my heart, but I shake my head. “Not right now, but I’m sure someday you’ll want to.”

  Evan and I drive in silence. There’s tension in the car but it’s not between us. For the first time, I was able to witness my brother bond with his son, something that should’ve happened on the day he was born. After EJ and I had our little chat, the three of us went down to the beach and tossed the football around. I excused myself shortly thereafter and went back to the house and watched the two Evan’s have a chance at being father and son.