Struggle to Forever: a friends to lovers duet

by Lilliana Anderson

  “I told them we dry humped. Which is the truth.”

  If you counted the way she rubbed herself against me, it was a very loose version of the truth.

  “Well, I guess that’s better than them thinking we fucked.” I pushed my weight off the wall and thumbed to the door. “Is that all?”

  “No. I… I like you, Dave. I wanted to know if you’d consider going out with me officially?”

  I wasn’t expecting that.

  “Like, be your boyfriend?”

  “Well yeah, that’s what ‘going out’ means doesn’t it?”

  Awkward. I lifted a hand and rubbed the back of my head. “Um, listen, Cassie. You’re pretty and all, but I’m not interested in having a girlfriend.”

  “So you’ll dry hump me, but you won’t actually date me?”

  Wow. “If I recall correctly, it was you doing the dry humping.”

  “It’s because of Katrina isn’t it?”

  “What? Why would it be about Katrina?”

  “Because you’re like, always together.”

  “She’s my best friend,” I sighed. I felt that by this point, it was all the explanation that was required.

  Cassie sat down on the bed and folded her arms across her chest, her eyes watering.

  “I’m sorry, Cass. I’m not trying to upset you. I just don’t want a girlfriend. I never have. It has nothing to do with you, or Katrina, or anyone else for that matter. It’s a decision I made a long time ago. I’m not boyfriend material.”

  “Don’t you want me at all?”

  Feeling sorry for her, I sat next to her and lifted her chin so she was looking at me. “Cassie, you’ve got a mirror. You know you’re gorgeous. Plenty of guys want you, including me. But there are guys out there who want you and want to call you their girlfriend. It’s just…after seeing what a relationship did to my parents, I’m never going down that path.”

  And that’s when she kissed me. At first, I didn’t respond, but then a selfish little voice inside me said, ‘What the hell? She knows the stakes, and they all think you’re in here screwing her, anyway.’ So I went with it, and this time when she reached for my belt… I let her.

  I wish I could say that was the one and only time Cassie and I had sex. But it wasn’t. I guess for me, I knew that despite Cassie trying to set the record straight about that night of the dance, everyone thought we were fucking, anyway. At least this way, they were spreading the truth for a change. And since Cassie understood that sucking my dick on a regular basis didn’t give her girlfriend status, I was fine with returning the favour. We learned a lot about each other’s anatomy over the following weeks. I wasn’t complaining.

  “Is it true that you’re messing around with Cassie?” Trina asked on the bus home from school a few weeks later. Her relationship with Ben had become more serious, and while we still spent most of our free time together, she had a lot less of it these days.

  “I thought we were going to stay out of each other’s relationships? I haven’t asked you about Ben,” I responded, uncomfortable in the conversation. I needed Cassie and Trina to stay separate in my mind. Neither could have information about the other.

  “Yeah but… you’re not in a relationship with her are you? I mean, you just have sex with her then pretend she doesn’t exist.”

  Honestly, I couldn’t meet her eyes. My own reasoning over the situation made me OK with it, but hearing Katrina’s take on it made me feel like I was doing something wrong. I’m not doing anything wrong.

  Instead of admitting that maybe using Cassie was a bad idea, I reiterated to myself that Cassie knew what we were. She had no illusions that we were more than fuck buddies. I wasn’t hurting anyone.

  I scrunched my brows together and flashed a dark glare in Trina’s direction. “Leave it alone, Trina. If I wanted to talk to you about it, I would have brought it up myself.”

  Her mouth fell open but I didn’t give her the chance to respond, heading to the back of the bus in a huff instead. I slid up against the window, staring out as I chewed on my thumbnail and bounced my leg in agitation.

  Who the hell is she to question my sex life? We made a deal to ignore rumours, to remain oblivious to the other’s attachments, to never let those emotions affect us. We were important.

  I know she glanced at me a couple of times. I’d hurt her feelings, but I was hurt too, possibly embarrassed. There was nothing quite like having a mirror held up to make you feel shit about yourself.

  As we got off the bus, Katrina was waiting for me so we could walk together. “Do you still want to come over and do our homework? I promise not to ask you anymore questions about… well, you know.”

  Clenching my jaw, I nodded as I met her eyes. “I’m never gonna have a normal relationship, Trina. I need you to understand that. And I need you not to judge me over it too.”

  Her face clouded, but she nodded. “It won’t happen again.”

  I hitched my bag higher on my shoulder then started walking with her falling into step beside me. “So, um, are you and Ben serious now?”

  She laughed. “As serious as we can be. We not getting married if that’s what you’re worried about.”

  “I only worry that you’ll settle. I want you to be happy.”

  She bumped her elbow against mine. “I am happy.”

  Glancing her way, the curve of her lips told me she was telling the truth. “OK. Now, no more relationship questions.”

  “Deal,” she said, flashing me a smile. “You still coming to my place? Mum made lemon cake.”

  “In that case, I’m definitely coming.”

  “I thought so.” She laughed, and suddenly everything was right between us again. As much as all this relationship stuff felt like a big elephant in the room at times, there was no way I was going to let any of it get between Katrina and me. We’d been too close for too long. I would never let her go.

  Five

  Before long, Ben and Trina became the year ten it couple. With Katrina’s long honey hair and clear blue eyes, and Ben’s dark hair and dark features, they looked like movie stars together. And I wasn’t even jealous.

  Not a single bit.

  Not even when my time with Trina cut in half…

  OK. That was a lie. I’d always been possessive of her, so it was hard to watch her makes goo-goo eyes at some dude.

  To help my lonely heart feel more whole, I spent more time exploring the effect I had on the opposite sex. I wasn’t sure why, but most of the girls I encountered seemed very interested in getting me alone. Girls my age, even girls a couple of years older, were keen to get down and dirty. And I wasn’t complaining. Not one little bit.

  Of course, I didn’t fuck all of them. There was a lot of heavy petting. A decent amount of oral. And some very satisfied smiles. While it felt good for all parties involved, it was meaningless. I missed my friend's constant company. I missed her laugh. Her conversation. Even her unwanted questions. I was simply filling the void.

  Eventually I found out why girls were so willing to get naked with me. It got back to me that they were fascinated over the size of my cock. There were even comments written about how huge they thought it was in the girl’s toilet block. Suddenly, I wasn’t having fun anymore. I felt like a circus act instead and backed away from all of them. I went into the girls' toilets after school one day with a sheet of sandpaper and scrubbed the comments away. Seeing them there made me feel really cheap. I’d never once bragged about anything I did with girls. I couldn’t understand why they’d write things about me for the whole school to see.

  Since Ben and Katrina were practically joined at the hip, I didn’t feel that I’d be missed within the ‘celeb’ group. It really wasn’t that fun watching her and Ben cosy up every recess and lunch. So, I started choosing other things to do instead. Slowly, I shifted into the group Loren and Erin were in. They’d always been down to earth and straight with me, and I preferred their company over the false smiles and veiled snickers from my previous ‘friends�
�.

  As much as I felt that Trina was too caught up in her own little world, she did notice me pulling away. I explained my absence away by telling her I was getting sick of the sex obsession the group had. It was all they could talk about—sex and parties—and I was over it.

  “I get it,” she said. “It’s getting pretty old. If I wasn’t dating Ben, I’d probably break away with you.”

  “Why stay in an uncomfortable situation just because a guy wants you there?” I shot back.

  She didn’t have an answer to that.

  “This all reminds me of how things were when we first started high school—you hanging out with one group, me with another. It’s kind of sad,” she said, instead.

  “I suppose. But, we don’t really spend that much one-on-one time together at school, anyway. We’ll just catch up on the bus going home.” On the days you actually go home instead of hanging with Ben

  I wasn’t jealous. I was just being real.

  “Yeah,” she said, flashing me a smile that didn’t replace the concern in her eyes. “That could work. We’ll be OK, right?”

  Drawing her into a hug, I released my breath. “Trina, you and I will always be OK.”

  Cassie wasn’t quite as understanding as Trina was. Despite knowing I was sleeping with other girls besides her, she seemed to think she had some kind of claim on me. I was always clear about what she meant to me. And she said she understood, but her reaction when I told her I was through said she saw us as more than we were.

  “What about prom?” she screeched.

  My expression locked between disbelief and confusion. “Prom? We’re not in America, Cassie. It’s a formal.”

  “But I wanted you to take me.”

  “I was never going. I’ve told you that several times.”

  “I thought I could get you to change your mind.” What? I will never understand women.

  My reason for sitting out the formal wasn’t because I thought I was too cool for it, it was because money was tight at home. Mum was struggling to make ends meet and paying for my ticket and tux hire was money she’d need to work extra shifts at the hospital to find. I didn’t want to put that pressure on her, so I decided to sit it out. Besides, everyone was cooking up for it, and we already knew couples made me uncomfortable.

  Speaking of couples. As expected, Trina was going with Ben. She was so excited that she had her dress and hairstyle planned months ago. She even managed to con me into going shoe shopping with her, which was boring, but also welcome because it took hours and we were together. A small price to pay.

  Ben was looking forward to the formal for a different reason, the details of which I overheard in the change rooms after our basketball game the week before.

  To set the scene, a bunch of guys from year ten to twelve were on the school team. It wasn’t much of a commitment. We just had to train on a Monday at lunchtime and play a game on a Thursday afternoon against one of the other schools in our district.

  There were maybe twenty of us in the change rooms. I was in taking a shower and when I came out, I could hear Ben telling Terry all about the things Katrina would let him do to her. I did my best not to listen in, because it seriously made my chest hurt to hear him talk about her like that, but my ears wouldn’t tune him out.

  By the time I was dressed and had my shoes on, I knew, in explicit detail, exactly how far she’d let him go. I swear that steam was coming out of my ears as I tried to breathe through my anger. Don’t get involved. You promised.

  “I reckon if I play my cards right, she’ll let me go all the way at the after party,” he bragged, earning himself a high five from Terry.

  “She’d better put out. All the other girls are giving it up, and you’ve waited over six months for her,” Terry said.

  “For sure man. I so deserve this.”

  I’m not sure how I got from the other side of the locker room so fast, but suddenly I was standing behind Ben, breathing hard and growling like an animal.

  “Know what you deserve?” I ground out, fists coiled at my sides. He turned around, grinning like a fuckwit before his eyes flashed with fear and his smile dropped. Forgot I was here. Didn’t you, Benny?

  “Shit. I-I—”

  I didn’t wait for him to finish.

  Stepping forward, I rammed my fist into his gut, doubling him over as he stumbled back into the wall behind him.

  “Wanna fuck, Benny-boy? How about I fuck you up?” I spat as he braced a hand against the wall and righted himself.

  “What’s your fucking problem, Taylor.”

  “You are.” I grabbed him by the shirt and rammed him back into the wall. “Stay the fuck away from her.”

  The dickhead actually grinned. “I knew it,” he said. “You want her for yourself.”

  “Shut your filthy face or I’ll shut it for you.”

  “Go ahead,” he sneered. “It’ll just make it easier for me.” Fuck.

  Slowly uncurling my hand, I took a steadying breath and stepped back. “Wait till I tell her what I overheard. I’ll make it fucking impossible.”

  Looking around at our audience, he scoffed. “She doesn’t want you, mate. She wants me.”

  With a malicious smile curving my mouth, I leaned in close so no one could hear me. “Don’t make the mistake of thinking you mean something to her, mate. You are with her because I allow it. Piss me off and watch what happens. I fucking dare you.”

  I met his eyes with a dark glare, spotting a spark of fear inside his. Unfortunately , fear didn’t make him any smarter. “You’re delusional. I’m the one who’s touched her in those special places. I’m the one who makes her wet.”

  “Yeah? Well, she’s thinking about me while it’s happening,” I shot back. Not my finest moment, but if this fucker was going to taunt me, then I was going to put him in his place.

  “It’s my name she’s sayin’, mate. And it’ll be my name she’s screaming after the formal when I fuck her all. night. long. She’s mine, Taylor. And there’s nothing you can do about it.”

  Our audience released a collective, Whoa! Ben looked around, nodding like he thought he’d won. I tried playing nice.

  A rumbling growl built in my chest and exploded out of me, echoing through the change rooms as angry red colours coated my eyes. My fist shot out and slammed into his jaw, sending him reeling.

  I didn’t give him a chance to get back up. I physically launched myself at him, ramming him into the brick wall pummelling him with my fists. He got a few good hits in before I was hauled off him, kicking and spitting, swearing I was going to take his life if he touched her again.

  “You’re fucking crazy,” he yelled, swiping at his mouth and finding blood.

  “This is just the tip of the iceberg, motherfucker.”

  Next stop, the principal’s office. Neither of us talked. So our parents were called, and we were suspended for three days.

  I didn’t give a fuck about the suspension. Ben deserved every cut and bruise I gave him. But my mother didn’t see the justice behind my actions, grounding me for an entire month. I was to go to school and come straight home—no fun, no friends, no... Trina.

  Late that night, a gentle tapping on my window told me Trina had already heard about Ben’s and my fight. Knowing this could turn into a shit fight, I sighed before I got off my bed and opened the curtains.

  “What are you doing here? You can’t go walking around at night on your own,” I hissed through the darkened window.

  “Want to explain to me why Ben broke up with me over the phone this afternoon?”

  “He broke up with you? Good.”

  Her hands went to her hips. “Good?”

  “Yeah. Good. The guy’s a jerk.” I pulled on a pair of shoes and jumped out the window onto the ground next to her. “I’ll walk you home. It’s not safe around here.”

  “Why is it safe for you to come to my window, but it’s not safe for me to go to yours?”

  “Because you’re a girl. Girls shouldn’t
walk around at night on their own. Simple as that.”

  “You’re such a chauvinist sometimes.”

  “Yeah, well, I’m the only guy around who’s looking out for you.” I started walking, knowing she’d come too.

  “Beating Ben to a pulp is looking out for me, is it?”

  “Yep,” I said, letting the ‘p’ pop as we walked side by side.

  “Did you tell him to break up with me too?” When I glanced at her, I could see that her eyes were red and swollen from crying. I hated that she was hurting. But I still didn’t regret what I did. If she knew what Ben had been saying about her, what he was planning, she’d be humiliated.

  “I told him to stay away from you.”

  “Why? What did he do to warrant that?”

  “You don’t want to know.”

  “My boyfriend dumped me, David.” Shoving me in the shoulder, she got in my way so I needed to sidestep her to avoid stopping. “Don’t you think I deserve an explanation.”

  “From him? Absolutely. But from me…” I glanced in her direction, my jaw tight. “I need you to trust that I acted for you. Not against you.”

  As she seemed to consider that we walked in silence for a bit. “Are you badly hurt?” she asked, trying a different tack.

  “I’m OK. I'll heal.”

  She pulled me to a stop under a streetlight and grabbed me by the chin, turning my face from side to side as she took in my battle wounds. She then picked up my hands and ran her fingertips lightly over my grazed knuckles.

  It wasn’t cold, but a chill ran through me as she gently stroked my hands. I wanted so many things from Trina, all of which I denied because I knew without a doubt I’d only cause her pain and leave her wanting. She smelled like strawberries, and I inhaled her greedily. She’s too good for you, David.

  Lifting her gaze, she looked into my eyes. “Tell me what the fight was about.”

  Pulling my hand from hers, I moved toward her house. “Let’s keep walking.”

  “David,” she called, jogging to catch up. “Answer the question.”