Struggle to Forever: a friends to lovers duet

by Lilliana Anderson

  “Kind of. I’m happy to be going home, but I’ll miss being here. How much longer do you have?” I ask, knowing her time to leave must be soon. She started at the gym not much longer after I did.

  “A week and a half. I’m feeling the same way. I don’t want to go, but I miss everyone from home.”

  “Are you coming to my going away bash?” I ask, as I pick up a clipboard and pen, sliding my printout under the clip.

  “Wouldn’t miss it for the world.” She smiles, before I move through to the staff room to put my bag in my locker.

  The first client on my list is a guy around my age called Tony. He's here to bulk up after being as skinny as a rake for most of his life. I’ve been training him for the last two months, and he’s made some great progress doing heavy weights and supplementing his diet with some heavy-duty protein powders.

  I find him warming up on the treadmills and wander over to him. “Ready for our last session?”

  “Not really. They’re giving me the guy who's replacing you. I have no idea if he’s any good,” he comments, as he hops off the machine.

  “They don’t hire just anyone here, mate. I’m sure you’ll be in good hands. Come on, let’s get started,” I say, as I clap him on the back and lead him over to the free weights area.

  Paige

  “Naomi, I really don’t think you should go messing with your hair colour. It’s beautiful the way it is,” I tell her, as she sits on the salon chair discussing her style options with me.

  “Paige, I want a change. My hair’s always been like this, and I love that two-toned look that some girls do. You know how they have brown underneath and the blonde on top with those feathered styles that kind of flick out?” she explains.

  “Well, it’s your hair, Nomes. I just don’t want you to regret changing it because we won’t be able to change it back once it’s done,” I point out.

  “Come on, Paige, do it. I want you to be the one to give me a new style. It'll be a way for me to remember you when you go.”

  “Couldn’t you just take a picture to remember me by?” I ask with raised eyebrows as I talk to her via the mirror.

  “Paige,” she pleads, her voice slightly whiney.

  “All right, all right, I’ll do it for you,” I submit. I get the need for a change, but when people come in with beautiful naturally coloured hair, it always stabs at my heart to alter it.

  I leave Naomi flicking through a magazine, while I go into the back room and mix her colour before returning to start her transformation.

  “Are you happy about going home?” she asks, as I pin the top half of her hair up.

  “I’m happy I’m going with Elliot but I kind of wanted to stay here,” I admit.

  “It’s very romantic.” She sighs. “Meeting on a plane and falling in love.” She stares off, smiling dreamily as god only knows what plays through her mind.

  “You read too many romance novels, Naomi.” I laugh, as I paint the bottom half of her hair with her new colour choice.

  “Leave me alone,” she pouts. “I like to see people happy, that's all.”

  I smile at her in the mirror briefly before I focus my attention on applying her colour evenly.

  “It must have been some night away though to make you change your mind,” she prods, trying to get me to divulge some details. When I don’t respond, she pushes further. “Did he tell you he loves you?” she bites her lip as she waits for the answer.

  “He did,” I admit carefully.

  “Was it romantic? Did you say it back?”

  “Why don’t you tell me what’s going on with you and that guy from the Salsa club? You’ve seen him a few times haven’t you?” I ask, trying to steer this conversation in a new direction. I can’t really tell her he yelled it at me because I refused to hear it.

  “Oh no, Paige. You didn’t say it back, did you?”

  When I don’t reply, She takes it as a silent admission.

  “But you do love him. I know you do.”

  I can’t answer that. I can’t say that in my thoughts let alone out loud. Knowing it and admitting it are two very different things. And I won’t be able to do what I need to do if I let myself fall that far into him.

  “Wait. You are going back with him aren’t you?” Why would she ask that?

  “Of course, I am. You know I am,” I assure her, hiding my eyes by focusing on her hair.

  “Please don’t break his heart, Paige.”

  I freeze at her words before turning away to place the bowl of dye on the trolley for cleaning. I take an extra few moments with my back turned away from her, squeezing my eyes shut as I breathe through the emotion swelling inside of me. This is a bad plan, Phoenix says.

  “Why do you think I would?” I ask, focusing my eyes ahead so she can’t see my face.

  “I just have this terrible feeling that you’re not being honest with him, or yourself. He’s bared his soul to you, and you’re still holding back. Just be good to him, OK? You could ruin him forever if you’re not careful. I’ve seen it happen too many times to count.”

  “Where have you seen this destruction, Naomi? In your books?” I demand, not appreciating her reading me so well. It’s like she’s figured out exactly what I’m thinking and I can’t look at the truth.

  “I’m not just a bookworm. I have a life, you know. I’ve fallen for the wrong guy,” she says, looking wounded from my words.

  “I’m sorry, Nomes. I shouldn’t have snapped.” Fuck, I’m a shitty person.

  A single tear slides from my eye and I wipe it away secretly as I pretend to brush back my hair. I think of the beauty that’s inside Elliot’s heart, and I’m riddled with guilt at the thought of being the one to rob him of that. What if I ruin him forever? What if he never finds love again just because I was the one who was too selfish to say no to him? I never should’ve let this happen. I should have been strong enough to stay away from the beginning. What if I ruin his life too?

  Elliot

  “Agy!” I embrace her where I find her in the reception area.

  “Elliot, I’m so sad today. Why do you have to leave me? Who am I going to ogle now?” she jokes, hugging me back.

  “You’ll find someone, I'm sure.” I laugh, offering my arm and leading her into the gym.

  “What would you like to do for our last session?” I ask.

  “Fancy taking an old lady out for a coffee?” she asks hopefully.

  “Sure, let me grab my wallet, and you’re so far from being old, Agy. Don’t put yourself down.” I jog into the staff room and grab my wallet from my locker, leading Agy out and letting Celsey know that I’m leaving the gym for an hour in case anyone is looking for me.

  “I like that little American girl,” Agy says to me as we leave the reception area and head outside. “She’s always so friendly.”

  “I like her too, although she’s going home soon,” I say.

  “Oh, all the good ones are going. I'll be left with boring English people again,” she moans, although I know she’s joking. “I want you to have a beautiful life with your girl, Elliot. Promise me you’ll email me regularly? I want to keep up with your life.”

  “Only if you promise to keep giving me advice.”

  “It’s a deal,” she says. And we shake on it. I’ve had such a wonderful time in the UK. I’m sad it's ending. But I’m more than keen to continue my life with Paige in it. That's literally all I care about.

  Twenty-Six

  Paige

  When a person is rotten inside, it's easy to infect other’s with your blight. It's not that you want to spread your pervasiveness. It's just that it's so engrained you can't stop it from happening. There was a time when I could reason away my decisions and actions because I did them out of need, out of survival. But this—what I'm doing to Elliot—is just plain selfish. I’m doing it because I want more time with him. Time. Not forever. Forever is an impossibility. Now is all we have.

  Please don’t break his heart, Paige. I’m sorry,
Naomi. I was always going to.

  “You ready, gorgeous?” Elliot asks from the door of our room. Happiness radiates off him. Our going-away bash is tonight. His flight leaves tomorrow at 2pm and he’s expecting me to be on it too. I’ve sold it so well, going through all the motions: I ordered my ticket, I've packed my bags, and I’ve quit my job. Maybe I thought I could convince myself to go, maybe I thought I could cancel before now, cause a big fight and end us spectacularly. But neither of those are my true reasons. I’m being a coward and a cunt, taking every moment of joy I can before blindsiding him at the last second.

  You’re mean, Phoenix sulks.

  I always told you I was. I don’t know why you never believed me.

  “Ready,” I reply, collecting my purse and moving close to him so I can breathe him in and kiss him. I’m counting them down. I only have a handful left.

  I look at the faces of our flatmates gathered in the living area waiting for us. I don’t feel like I have really spent that much time with them. I’ve been firmly attached to Elliot’s side from the moment I arrived. Only Naomi and Brian remain from the original group I moved in with, so I kind of feel like we are going through the motions of a going-away party. There is a new guy staying at the flat now called Adam. He replaced Gavin when he left, and this is the first time he's coming out with all of us. He and Jolene seem fairly interested in each other, so perhaps they’ll take our room when we leave. Who knows? Maybe they’ll get the happily ever after instead?

  Elliot

  When we arrive at the restaurant, there are a couple of the other trainers I know from work already waiting as well as Paige’s boss, Andrea. We’ve hired a function room for the evening, so we can all sit, eat, chat and linger for as long as we do or don’t want to.

  I’m worried about Paige. She’s acting a little strange tonight. She’s smiling and saying all the right things, but there’s something about her that isn’t quite right. I’m putting it down to nerves about going back to Australia, but I’m not entirely sure it isn’t something else. Please don’t be cold feet.

  “You’re not drinking,” Brian admonishes Paige, as he places a new round of drinks on the table. “Come on, Paige, it’s a celebration. You're letting down the team.”

  Laughing Paige picks up her drink and takes a fake sip for Brian’s benefit. Although, I notice the level of her drink doesn’t alter at all.

  “Good girl!” Brian calls out, much louder than he needed to. He already seems half cut, and it’s only nine o’clock.

  “Do you want me to drink that for you?” I ask Paige quietly as I lean toward her ear.

  “You might have to. They keep appearing in front of me.” She smiles, handing me her drink on the sly and replacing her glass with my empty.

  I lose count of how many I have. Everyone wants to buy us both a drink to say goodbye, so they just keep coming. Drinking for two was a bad idea because now, I’m completely off my face, leaning all over Paige as she laughs at me while we farewell our guests.

  “Are you going to be all right? I can drive you if you like,” Celsey offers as the group waves us off.

  “No, no, it’s fine. You go and have fun with everyone else. I’ll get this guy home. The fresh air and the walk will do him good,” I hear Paige say, although it’s all starting to sound very far away to me.

  “All right then, well safe trip home you two, and it was nice to meet you, Paige,” Celsey says.

  “You too.” Paige smiles.

  “Goodbye, my loves! I’ll miss you so much!” a drunken Naomi yells, leaning all over both of us and causing us to stumble.

  “You’ll probably see us in the morning, Naomi. The plane isn’t until the afternoon.” Paige laughs, trying to keep us all upright.

  “Everybody! We’re leaving, thank you so much for coming. We’re both thankful for such a great send off, and we’ll miss you all,” I call out, slurring slightly but still not drunk enough to forget my manners. My mother taught me well.

  We burst out of the door to the restaurant as a noisy group, still calling out our goodbyes as Paige steadies me on the short walk back to the flat.

  “You didn’t have to drink all of my drinks, you know.” Paige laughs again. She’s really happy now. Maybe I was wrong before, and there’s nothing going on with her.

  “I told you, I’ll do anything for you, Paige. Even get rolling drunk so people don’t sulk when you won’t drink with them,” I slur as we make it to the front door of our building, and I force my feet to climb the stairs.

  Paige

  God, he’s so heavy. I feel like I’m getting drunk just from the fumes coming off him. I somehow get him over to the bed and drag his shoes off. He sits up as I’m trying to take his belt off, and pulls me toward him, kissing me passionately in a clumsy drunken way. His mouth tastes sweet from all the bourbon they plied him with tonight.

  Breaking away, I lean up on his chest and look down at him, trying to keep my hair out of his face. He lifts his hands and starts to clumsily twirl my curls around his fingers, pulling at it so it hurts a little.

  “You are so drunk,” I point out, laughing.

  His words come out all slurred as he speaks. “I love you so fucking much, Paige,” he says with as much feeling as he can muster.

  My heart jumps a little from his drunken outburst. He hasn’t said it again since last weekend. “I know you do, Elliot.”

  He shakes his head vigorously. “Noooo, you don’t know, I haven’t said it properly.” He grabs my face with both his hands and looks me dead in the eye, suddenly sounding very sober. “I love you, Paige Larsen. I think I have I loved you since before I even met you.”

  I smile down at him, tears emerging from my eyes because I know it’s time to end this.

  “Are you crying? No, don’t cry, you’re always so sad. But whenever you smile, I feel like I won something amazing,” he breathes, using his hands to emphasise the last word.

  “Elliot, you are so smashed right now. You need to sleep,” I tell him through my tears, smiling at his openness and doubting he’ll even remember this conversation in the morning.

  “All right,” he says, closing his eyes. “But you have to stay right next to me.”

  I nod my head and lie down beside him, resting my head on his chest and hugging him tightly, breathing in his scent and listening to the sounds of his life through his chest. I want to savour our last moments together so I can hold them in my heart and think of him always.

  When I’m sure he is asleep, I kiss his neck and whisper in his ear. “I love you, too. So much.” Tears roll down my face as I sit up and touch his sleeping face tenderly. It’s time to tell him everything. I’ve been too gutless before now, but now that it’s time for him to leave, he needs to hate me enough to go alone. And he will. No one can forgive the thing I’ve done.

  I forgive you, Phoenix says in her tiny voice.

  Of course you do. You have an innocent heart.

  Didn’t you once?

  Yes. But I turned it black with bad decisions. It’s why you got hurt. It’s why I need to be alone.

  I’m sorry, Mummy.

  So am I, my beautiful girl.

  With my fingers on my shoulder, I rise off the bed and walk out of our room, leaving Elliot asleep as I close the door quietly behind me. Grabbing a notepad and pen, I sit down and write the words I’ve been too afraid to say. My confession.

  When I’m done, I fold the paper, put it in an envelope with Elliot’s name on it and tuck it inside his wallet, placing his phone on top. Then I get up and take one last look at my love, snoring softly. Then I leave.

  Twenty-Seven

  Elliot

  Moving my tongue around my mouth to distribute some moisture, I open my eyes, acutely aware of the fact that Paige is no longer on the bed with me. Swinging my legs to the floor, I wince as the pain in my head hits me. I don’t think I have ever drunk so much alcohol in my life. This is horrible. It will make the flight home intolerable.

  I sh
uffle out to the kitchen and grab some ibuprofen and a large glass of water, downing it as fast as I can.

  Leaning on the edge of the sink, I wait, hoping the water is going to stay down. The moment I’m safe, I move again, looking for signs of Paige’s whereabouts. Instead, I notice my phone and wallet on the shelf with some paper sticking out of it.

  “Paige?” I call out to no answer.

  Dread fills my already queasy stomach as I walk over and take it out. It’s an envelope with my name on it in Paige’s handwriting. “What?” I move to the table and take a seat before opening it. Actually, I’m just sitting here staring at it. I don’t want to know what’s inside.

  Letting out a huge steadying breath, I slide my thumb under the seal and tear it open. Forcing my eyes to read.

  My dear, beautiful Elliot,

  I am so sorry. I didn’t have the courage to stick around and go back to Australia with you. I wanted to. I truly did. But I know in my heart that you and I can never be. Not long term, anyway. I never said it to you Elliot, but you need to know that I love you too. I love you so much that I selfishly let you love me back, knowing that I would always drive you away. They say the truth hurts. But my truth, it destroys lives.

  Do you remember that game we played? We asked each other rapid-fire questions, and it ended in us laughing and eating Tim-tams? Well, you asked me a question then. And when I gave you the truth, you didn’t believe me. You asked what my first job was, and I told you I was a sex toy and a drug dealer. I have never admitted those things before. But when you looked at me like I was joking, I knew my truth was too much for you to hear. So I kept it to myself. I know it doesn’t sound like much of an excuse, but I couldn’t bring myself to witness the love leave your face when you found out what I really am, what I’ve done.