Struggle to Forever: a friends to lovers duet

by Lilliana Anderson

  He laughs as he sets the mugs on the side tables and takes the single seat to my right.

  “I’m not going to break her heart, Tahlia. Because I’m never going to lie to her. Paige will always know where she stands with me. I give you my word on that.”

  “Hmmm” is the only response she gives him.

  We all sit together and sip our coffees quietly until Jeff suggests that he drive me and Tahlia home so we can pick up my things.

  “I don’t really have much,” I tell him. “I got rid of a lot of stuff months ago. It was easier to travel light. I didn’t look so much like a teenage runaway with just a backpack.”

  He reaches over and tucks some of my hair behind my ear, causing my eyes to flutter closed. “That’s no problem. I’ll take care of my girl.”

  “All right, Jeff. Stop filling her head with fairytales. It’s not good for her.”

  Jeff’s response is to wink at me and kiss me on top of the head as he stands to collect our now empty mugs.

  Despite Tahlia’s warnings, I still feel giddy about coming to stay with Jeff. Even if my time staying with him doesn’t last long. I feel as though now that I’m sixteen, I can finally take my life into my own hands. I can get a job, and in a year I can get my provisional license. I won’t be dependent upon the kindness of others for much longer. How can I not have hope?

  We stay at Tahlia’s house until after lunch while Jeff and Tahlia’s dad, Ron, catch up and have a laugh.

  I thank them all profusely for helping me and giving me somewhere to stay, and they tell me it was no trouble. Although, I’m still not convinced that they actually realised I was living there.

  “Just remember, you can come back anytime, and I’ll see you soon,” Tahlia tells me as I leave with Jeff. She hugs me tightly before I get into the car then stands in her front yard, waving as we drive off.

  Jeff reaches over and takes my hand, bringing it to his lips before returning it to my lap. “Are you ready?” he asks, glancing at me briefly as he focuses on the road.

  “Yes. I think I am,” I tell him confidently. In that moment, I farewell any innocence I have left in me. I’m not naïve. I damn well know I’m being taken as his play thing. But I struggle to have a problem with that. I’m doing it willingly.

  Perhaps when I’m older, I’ll look back on this moment and wonder why the hell I put my trust in this guy. But right now, he’s the only person who makes me feel like more than a homeless teen. He make me feel wanted. And I want that so badly. I crave it.

  Eleven

  Last night, I lost my virginity. I don’t know how to feel about it. I thought it would be better than it actually was. Especially after orgasming the night before. But it was just…OK.

  The whole thing didn’t take very long. Jeff took me back to his house, and we sat and talked for a while. He made me some dinner, and afterwards, he took me by the hand and led me to his room.

  Slowly, he undressed me, unwrapping me like a birthday present. Touching me gently, kissing me. Tasting me, preparing me.

  Without the ecstasy in my system like it was the night before, I was nervous. My breathing was shaky and my mind was racing, telling me all the reasons I shouldn’t be doing this.

  Your virginity is a gift, it told me. Don’t just give it away to a man you’ve only known for a day.

  I mentally told my mind to shut up. I needed to do this. Jeff could make my life better. My mind tried to tell me that he could make it much worse, but I wasn’t willing to listen. He was already poised between my legs.

  “Are you ready?” he asked, nudging his tip at my opening.

  I didn’t trust my voice to come out with the right answer, so I nodded instead and took a deep breath as I readied myself for his intrusion.

  “Relax,” he whispered. “Relax.”

  He pushed in. Little bit, by little bit. I felt myself stretching around him. Tearing. Stinging. Burning.

  It hurt.

  “Stop. Stop,” I told him breathlessly. “I just need a minute.”

  “It’s OK. We’re going slow,” he whispered, kissing my forehead, my cheek, and then my mouth. “I’m going to push just a little, OK?”

  I nodded again. I wanted to say ‘No. Get out’, but I knew that I’d gone too far. I needed to see it through.

  “Tell me when to stop,” he instructed as he pressed himself deeper. I could feel a warmth, like it was burning. But I breathed through it, and let him move on.

  Eventually, he paused. “I’m all the way in. Are you OK?” he asked, concern in his voice and in his eyes.

  “It hurts. But, I’m OK,” I told him, my voice quiet and shaky as I wished for this all to be over.

  “Can I move?”

  “Just a little,” I whispered. I was trying so hard to relax, but the burning sensation between my legs was starting to control my senses.

  “I won’t last long,” he assured me. “You are so, so tight.” He clenched his jaw and moved inside me. I closed my eyes tightly and tried to focus more on my breathing.

  Within a few strokes, he shuddered, emptying himself inside me. “Mmmm,” he hummed, pressing his forehead against mine as he calmed himself, whispering, “It will be better next time. I promise,” as he kissed me softly.

  Slowly, he withdrew from me, and I felt red-raw as he vacated my depths. I’m having trouble believing that this will feel better in time. It was uncomfortable, painful, and well, just not nice.

  I don’t think it was anything Jeff did. He took time to make sure I was more than ready before he pushed inside me. However, it just didn’t feel anywhere near as nice as the touching and fondling did beforehand.

  “Come on, let’s get you cleaned up,” he said, holding his hand out to me. I looked between my legs, and while I knew it was possible, I'm ashamed to say I freaked out when I saw the blood.

  “It’s OK,” Jeff told me soothingly. He wrapped me in his arms and brushed my hair back gently, whispering to me that it was all normal. Everything was all right.

  Scooping me up in his arms, he carried me into the bathroom where he sat me down and ran a bath for me. Lifting me again, he lowered me into the water and carefully washed my skin, planting soft kisses over my face and shoulders as he did.

  Suddenly, my eyes pricked with tears. “I’m sorry I wasn’t any good. I didn’t expect it to hurt so much,” I whispered to him, overcome with everything that had just happened. I was scared he was disappointed and would send me away, and then I'd be back where I was, sleeping on a old couch with no one to love me.

  He shushed me gently. “Don’t talk like that. You were perfect. Tomorrow, it will be so much nicer for you. I promise you that. It’s only the first time that it hurts.”

  His words filled me with relief. But, I still feel doubtful that could ever feel nice. People talk like sex is amazing, so I’m willing to give it another shot. And he tells me there’s a lot more things we can do that will feel even better. I suppose I just have to trust him. He knows a lot more about this stuff than I do.

  After a full night’s sleep, I feel a little sore, but I’m OK. I actually feel better than I have in a long time after spending my second night in a real bed. And Jeff told me to make myself at home while he ran same errands, so I’ve been sitting watching television all morning. I don’t know exactly what he does for a job but judging by his lifestyle and the company he keeps, I’m willing to bet he’s in a similar game to Tahlia’s parents.

  I don’t think he deals pot though. I’m pretty sure he deals ecstasy and maybe some other things. I don’t know. I haven’t seen anything lying around, and he hasn’t told me about his work yet.

  As I sit, I wonder how long his usual playthings last. He's very sure of himself, and based on Tahlia’s warnings to keep my feelings out of it, I'm assuming this is something he does on the regular. Am I just here to fuck until he gets bored of one? Or will I be expected to pull my weight like I did at Tahlia’s?

  There are a lot of questions I probably should have
asked before jumping in the car with him. I mean, maybe I should have stayed put. Maybe I’m in over my head here. I made the decision to be Jeff’s ‘girl’ while still feeling the effects of ecstasy. Maybe if I was sober, I would have chosen Tahlia’s couch.

  Sitting on my own with an aching vagina, all I can do is question myself. I’m starting to worry that I’m walking down a road I never imagined I’d travel, and that I might never find my way back. No matter how hard I try.

  Twelve

  When Jeff gets home, he’s smiling brightly. “There’s my girl. Wait there. I’ll be back in a minute” he says, disappearing into his room briefly before returning with a small package in his hand.

  “What’ve you got there?”

  “A gift,” he says, grinning with only half of his mouth, his eyes darkening slightly as he moves towards me.

  “What kind of gift?” I sit up straighter and look at his hand intently, as if my eyes have the power to open it.

  He sits next to me. “It’s something to make you feel amazing,” he tells me, opening his hand to reveal a small bag of white powder.

  I suck my breath back sharply. “Is that what I think it is?”

  “Uh huh.” He opens the draw from the table next to the couch, pulls out a leather binder and places it on the coffee table in front of us. I sit by quietly, curiosity getting the better of me as I chew my lip and watch him prepare our lines.

  The old me, the girl who used to try hard at school and did everything she could to be accepted, would be horrified at what I’m becoming, at what I’m sitting here ready to do. But the current me wants this. I know it’s going to make me feel something more than the desolation that’s constantly lurking beneath the surface of my mind, constantly telling me I’m not wanted, no one cares. If I do these things with Jeff; if I please him and show him I can be good, then maybe I can make him care.

  Jeff leans forward. With his finger pressed against one side of his nose, and a small glass tube held up to the other, he lets out a loud sniff as the line of white powder shoots up into his nostril. He sits back and continues to inhale, his eyes closed slightly as he shakes his head, quickly, from side to side.

  “Oh, that’s good,” he says as he blows out a long steady whoosh and hands me the tube. “Your turn.”

  I can’t pretend I’m not nervous right now. I’ve never done coke before, and I don’t feel very confident about it. I reach out and take the tube, holding on to it firmly, afraid I might drop it and break the glass on the hard wood floors.

  “OK, so what do I do? I just…” I hold the tube and my nose as he did and sniff back, watching to see if he approves of the way I’m demonstrating it.

  “Yes. That’s exactly how,” he says quietly, watching me intently, the lights of room dancing in his eyes as he seems to take great delight in introducing me to more of his world. “Here.” He takes my hair in his hands, holding it back for me. “You don’t want powder in your pretty hair.”

  I smile at his kind gesture and lean forward, pausing slightly as I look at the neat rows laid out in front of me. Do I really want to do this? Do I really want to become the kind of girl who just takes whatever she‘s offered? Do I even have a choice right now?

  Deciding, once again, to tell my mind to shut up. I place the tube in my nose and press my other nostril shut.

  Then I sniff. Hard.

  The powder shoots up my nostril and into my sinuses. “Holy shit,” I breathe.

  “Good girl.” Jeff releases my hair, and presses a kiss in the hollow of my neck.

  Then it hits me. I drop my head against the back of the couch and breathe. I’m alive. A few moments ago, I wasn’t. But now, I’m alive.

  “Feels great, right?” Jeff sits up, taking the tube off me before leaning forward to sniff another line himself.

  “It feels…it feels like joy, like bliss, like everything you hear Heaven is.” I look around the room, so vivid and bright. Oh, wow.

  Jeff laughs. This huge belly laugh erupts out of him as he lays back next to me, staring up at the ceiling. “Come into the bedroom. I’ll show you what Heaven is.”

  As we stand he takes me in his arms and pulls me towards him, grasping my face on either side with both his hands. For a moment, he just stares at me. My tongue snakes out to wet my lips. I want nothing more right now than to feel his mouth on mine.

  In this moment, I feel like I’ve won. I don’t know what I’ve won. But it feels like it’s something wonderful, something amazing. My heart feels full to bursting, and I want Jeff. I want Jeff so much it hurts my heart.

  The moment his lips touch mine. I wrap my body around his, clinging to him, pressing myself against him in a wonton move I never imagined myself doing. Surprisingly, I have this need to feel him inside me. It’s a desire, screaming from within, as my body takes over my mind, crying to be filled. This morning, I would have been happy if I never tried to have sex again. But now, I feel like Jeff’s cock is the only thing that can sate the aching in my core. I even find myself wanting to show him how much pleasure he’s given me.

  I break my lips away and whisper with great abandon in his ear. “I want to know what your cock feels like inside my mouth. I want to know what your semen tastes like. I want to make you come like you made me come the first night.”

  I lower to the ground and slide down his body, dragging my hands along his torso and down to his waist in what I imagine is a very sexy movement. I glance up at him and see him watching me, a playful grin on his face as he winds his fingers through my hair and nods at me, letting me know I’m doing the right thing. He's such a good teacher.

  With confident fingers, I undo the buttons of his jeans and slide them down to just below his waist. I can see the firmness of his cock protruding through his boxers and waste no time releasing it, marvelling at the spring as it bounces from its confines.

  Jeff is still holding my head, and he nudges his tip against my lips. I snake my tongue out and lick the end, tasting a slick saltiness. Suddenly, I’m hungry. I want him inside my mouth. I want to run my tongue up and down his length. I want to drink him.

  As I open my mouth, he pushes inside. I slide my tongue around his shaft and suck hard. Once my school went on an excursion to a working farm. We were taught how to milk cows, and it’s that technique I apply when I wrap my hand around his base, working my head back and forth and taking as much of him in as I can.

  He pushes in further, and it’s a little more than I can take so I pull back, using my hand to guide his depth.

  “More, Paige,” he pants, moaning as I suck and lick. “Take it in more.”

  He hits the back of my throat, and my eyes prick with water. I let out a strangled noise as he pushes in again. It’s too far.

  “You can do it, baby. I know you can, just breathe. Breathe for me, baby. I want to feel myself go all the way in. I want to see myself, thick in your throat.”

  Thanks to the coke, I feel like I’m capable of doing anything, and I have such a great desire to please him that I push further and resist the urge to gag. It’s hard, and it takes more than a few goes. But, when he fits all the way in, the moan he releases is enough to make me feel like I’m about to come. I hum with pleasure around him, and he grips my hair harder as the vibration of my voice causes him to explode down my throat.

  “Oh, yes,” he hisses. “Fuck that’s good.” Removing himself from my mouth, he drags me up from the floor and crashes our lips together, his tongue driving forcefully into my mouth. The kiss is so hard, it’s almost hurting, but it’s filled with such unbridled, fierce passion, that I don’t care if he makes me bleed. “I am going to fuck you all damn day. I’m going to lick every inch of your body, and you’re going to come, Paige. All fucking day.”

  He works quickly to remove my pants, which I’m more than happy to be gone right now. My clit is throbbing so hard, I think the moment he touches it; I'm going to start screaming.

  He lifts me off the ground and presses his cock against my crotch
. I grind myself into him, the slickness of my arousal helping me to glide over his taught bare skin.

  “I need to get in there, Paige. Do you want me? Deep inside your pussy?” he growls in my ear, biting on my lobe as he presses us more firmly together.

  “Yes,” I gasp, the discomfort of the night before now far from my mind as my insides throb, crying out desperately for him to enter me.

  I grip him either side with my thighs and move against him until I can feel his tip at my entrance and cry out ecstatically as he pushes inside me, filling me to my very core. He takes a couple of steps so we’re against the wall, and drives himself in deeply, pulling back slowly before slamming himself in again. With each push, my breath escapes in ragged pants.

  This is so much more wonderful than it was last night. I don’t know if it’s the position or the cocaine, or if it’s just that this is my second time and it feels better. But that feeling is building inside of me.

  With each deep push, his pelvic bone presses against my clit, and I moan. I moan so loud. His head bows at my neck as he kisses and licks and breathes his warm breath against my skin, grunting, moaning.

  Suddenly, the pressure inside me is so huge I explode. My eyes roll back as I let out a guttural scream. I yell. I scream, and he keeps pushing inside me. Pounding against me, it’s like this orgasm has no end.

  My head shakes from side to side as he keeps going, somehow the feeling inside me intensifies, and I explode again.

  Eventually, he groans, long and low, as he comes inside me and presses himself against me, using his weight to hold me up as he lifts my hands above my head and captures my mouth.

  His movements becomes slow and languid. Our urgency wearing off along with our high. He lowers me down as he pulls out of me and tucks himself back inside his pants. “Clean yourself up then get back out here. I’m not done with you yet.”