by Shouji Gatou
“The tatami room in the back, fumo,” Moffle tried again. “They let us use it a lot...”
“O-Oh... I’d have to ask...”
“Sorry, Moffle-san!” the head chef, who was cutting chicken in the kitchen, called out to Moffle, as if to put the conversation out of its misery. “It’s open. Go on in.”
“Moffu. Thanks, fumo.”
“Takami-chan has a cold today,” the head chef explained. “Sorry.”
“Oh, that’s awful, fumo,” Moffle-senpai said simply, then headed into the back. Wanipii-senpai looked a little disappointed.
Meanwhile, Ashe-san and I were carefully considering how we should interpret Moffle-senpai’s reaction.Did Moffle-senpai know about her cold or not? Knowing would give us a valuable clue. If he knew, then Moffle-senpai and Takami-chan were in exclusive contact, and it would mean they had interacted today. If he didn’t, then at the very least, they weren’t quite that close—not close enough for one to let the other know when one of them was sick, at least.
Incidentally, I had Takami-chan’s info on LINE and Twitter, too. She hadn’t reported that she had a cold; in other words, it wasn’t public information.
“Ashe-san... how would you interpret that?” I whispered.
“Hmm... I’m not sure,” she hissed back. “Lord Moffle is a performer, after all.”
“I feel like he knew,” I insisted. “He seemed a little too flippant, right?”
“That’s true,” she agreed. “But that’s how he usually acts, isn’t it? I could see him making a big deal if it were Latifah-sama, of course...”
“Hmm... That is true...” While we were whispering to each other, Moffle-senpai entered the tatami room in back and beckoned us to follow.
“Over here, fumo. Come on in.”
“R-Right!” I quickly jogged through the narrow corridor, feeling that the secretive exchange had made me feel a bit closer to Ashe-san. We’d thought the same thing in the same moment, and we’d managed to exchange opinions in very few words. It was a minor thing, I guess, but it had been very satisfying.
“All right! Let’s have a toast, fumo!” Moffle-senpai called out, and we clinked our mugs together. Moffle-senpai had Hoppy Black, Ashe-san and I had draft beers, and Wanipii-senpai had a grapefruit sour.
Moffle-senpai and Ashe-san nearly chugged down their entire mugs, then each let out a big, ecstatic sigh. Meanwhile, Wanipii-senpai seemed done after a single sip.
“Ah, delicious!” Moffle-senpai sighed, before calling out to the server. “Excuse me!”
“Yes?”
“Another draft beer and Hoppy, please!” said Ashe-san, who placed Moffle’s order without asking him first.
Moffle-senpai seemed delighted by the gesture. “Oh, thanks. You can hold your liquor, Ashe-san.”
“Oh, hardly,” she responded dismissively.
“Come on. I saw you drink Ironbeard under the table, fumo,” Moffle-senpai scoffed. “Even Tiramii is terrified of you, fumo.” Ironbeard was another member of the cast, a former pirate and elephant seal mascot who loved his booze.
“I see,” she said thoughtfully. “But... I’d say Ironbeard-san is just a reckless drinker.”
“Oh! You came out and said it, fumo!”
“Maybe he visits too many hostess clubs?” Ashe-san shrugged. “He really should just drink at a normal pace.”
“Still, if you were pouring for me, I’d have no choice but to chug, fumo.”
“And what do you mean by that?”
“You’d be scary if I refused, fumo.”
“How mean!” Ashe-san pouted. “Why would you call me scary?”
Moffle-senpai and Ashe-san shared a laugh while I gritted my teeth in a smile. Wanipii-senpai remained silent with a vague smile on his face. What on earth was going on here?
Moffle-senpai and Ashe-san’s exchange had really rattled me. After all, the two had never seemed particularly close... As Moffle-senpai had said, Ashe-san was the head of the finance department, which meant she controlled the park’s budget. She held the purse strings in an iron grip, and her main job was to make sure the rest of us kept our spending responsible.
Meanwhile, Moffle-senpai was the leader of the performer cast; he had to be our advocate, begging for funding to finance what we needed. It was only natural, given their positions. Destiny had pitted them against each other. Now, after just one drink—before they were even drunk—they were already playfully needling each other. I have very little experience in the larger world, but even I could see what was going on there.
“You are scary, fumo. You’re especially scary when you go quiet,” Moffle-senpai opined. “Isuzu’s punishments can’t compare.”
“Oh? That’s your own faults, by the way,” Ashe-san pointed out. “You tease Isuzu-chan too much just because you think it’s cute.” She said, swiftly changing the subject.
Great tactics, Ashe-san! I thought with admiration.
“Moffu. Do we?”
“Yes, you do. It’s cruel.”
“Well, she just makes it too easy,” Moffle-senpai protested. “I’ve asked the others to tone it down.”
“But they don’t listen, do they?”
“Hmm, I see,” he grumbled. “I’ll think about it, fumo.”
“Please do. I mean it.” While they were talking, the new part-timer brought another mug of Hoppy and one of beer. “Speaking of Isuzu-chan,” Ashe-san said once the part-timer was gone again, “how are things going for her lately?”
“Going? Same as ever, fumo. You know her type. Secretarial work is a cinch for her. You’ve seen her, haven’t you?”
“I don’t mean that,” Ashe-san denied. “I mean with Kanie-san.”
“Oh. Ohh!” Moffle-senpai clapped his paws together as if catching her drift. “You mean that, fumo.”
“Yes, that.”
“Let’s see...” he said thoughtfully. “I guess I’d say no progress, fumo. There’s no sexual tension between the two at all, fumo.”
“I see. Well, that’s more or less what I’d assumed...” The two gulped down their mugs and laughed cheerfully. “Isuzu-chan is quite a late bloomer, isn’t she?”
“So is Seiya, fumo.”
“You think so?” Ashe-san asked.
“Of course, fumo! Isn’t it obvious? He’s stiff as a board! Total square. A real ‘gentleman.’ He’d never make a pass at a co-worker, fumo.”
Ashe-san tilted her head, a thin smile appearing on her face. “Oh? Are you sure?”
“Oh, please. Are you not?” Moffle-senpai scoffed.
“I can’t say that I am,” she said. “I think the real playboys keep their cards close to the chest...” Looking back, I don’t think Ashe-san’s argument probably was how she really felt; I think she was just playing Devil’s advocate to liven up the conversation.
Her response caused Moffle-senpai to fold his arms, harrumph, and hold off his response. It was a lengthy consideration, as if they were playing shogi. Wanipii-senpai turned his eyes downward and stayed silent. In the end, I was the one who took the bait.
“I d-don’t think Kanie-san is that sort of person!” I said, loudly enough that you could probably hear me outside the tatami room—maybe even outside the bar itself.
“Ohh?” Moffle-senpai and Ashe-san said at once. They both looked extremely interested.
“What makes you say that, fumo?”
“Why don’t you tell ‘big sister’ a little more about it?”
There was a sadistic gleam in both of their eyes. I could immediately tell that I’d stepped on a land mine.
“Huh?” I fumbled. “Um, um...”
“I’m curious, fumo...”
“I’m curious, too...”
I finally understood: They hadn’t really been arguing at all. They’d just been doing a little double act for me and Wanipii-senpai! It hadn’t started that way... but in the process they’d achieved a tacit understanding and brought things around in that direction. They knew they’d end up in a fight if t
hey talked about work, so they thought they might as well have a little fun!
“Moffu. I’m very curious, fumo. Tell us all why you think Seiya isn’t that way.”
“U-Um...”
“Don’t worry. We’re all drinking here,” Ashe-san said reassuringly. “Why don’t you just let it all out? Come on, now. First, take a big drink. Biiiig drink.” Ashe-san gently nudged my beer toward me. I finished it off, and found a second beer sitting in front of me immediately. “You don’t have to drink it if it’s too much, all right?”
“Yeah. No need to force yourself, fumo. Now, back to the earlier question. ...Why do you think Seiya’s a straight-shooter with women? I want to hear evidence, fumo.”
“Huh?! Well... well...” Nothing was coming to me. Something, something... I found my hands going straight for the mug. I took a few deep gulps to try to buy time.
“Blugh...” In the ten seconds or so it earned me, I was hoping the subject would be changed, but no such luck. Moffle-senpai and Ashe-san were extremely patient, and they were waiting for my response.
“So?” they both said in unison. It seemed there was no more avoiding it.
“Well... Kanie-san is...”
“Yes, yes?”
“Kanie-san is... not very calculating...” I tried, “when it comes to his personal relationships...”
“Fumo, fumo.”
Oh, forget it, I decided, and just lay it all out there. “Well, you know? He’s so arrogant and domineering, right? He really annoys me, too, if I’m honest. But... someone who’s actually trying to get something will usually throw some ingratiating and coaxing into their act. But he doesn’t, you know? He’s just arrogant start to finish, and I think maybe that’s evidence that he’s actually very forthright! And that’s also why I’ve decided to stick with him!”
After I’d finished speaking my piece, Moffle-senpai and Ashe-san both looked up at the ceiling and said “Ahh” in one voice.
“What kind of reaction is that?” I demanded to know.
“Oh, um. You know, fumo. I know people don’t use the term ‘louse’ to refer to men much nowadays, but that’s the kind of line you tend to hear from a woman refusing to break up with her louse of a boyfriend.”
“What?” I asked.
“I hear that. You know... ‘His selfishness is just a sign of honesty!’ and such... You see it a lot with girls who think of themselves as the lead in a romance movie,” Ashe-san put in.
“Huh? Huh?!” Why were they turning on me for trying to say something positive?! I felt so confused.
“Moffu. You know the extreme version of that? ‘It’s true that he hits me, but it’s not what you think! He never goes for the face!’ and such.”
“Ah, so true. I knew some girls like that back in school,” Ashe-san reminisced. “Very superficial. It seemed like it kept up for years and years...”
“Wow, really, fumo?”
“Yes,” she sighed. “I graduated from a women’s college. I saw quite a lot of it.”
“Ah,” Moffle put in. “Did you, fumo? I do hear about those girls being superficial.”
“Yes. Only a small portion, but comparatively, a lot.”
“Which is it, fumo?”
The two of them burst out into cackles.
“Well... you know,” Ashe-san continued. “Statistics are an interesting thing. It’s like how they say most people with Priuses are bad drivers.”
“Moffu,” said Moffle, before waiting for her to continue.
“In fact, it’s just that there are so many on the market that you notice the bad drivers more. It’s sort of like that, I think.”
“That’s not helping your case, fumo!”
“What?” Ashe-san asked, looking perplexed.
“Because there aren’t that many women’s colleges!” Moffle pointed out.
“Well, true enough!”
They burst out into cackles again.
I wasn’t laughing one bit. Meanwhile, Wanipii-senpai was just playing around on his smartphone with an amiable smile. It looked like some kind of social game. Come on, put it down and help me! I begged.
“Well, anyway, fumo. Muse,” said Moffle, looking my direction. “Being superficial can hurt you in life, okay?”
“W-Wait a minute,” I objected strenuously. “When did you decide I was superficial?!”
“Are we wrong, fumo?”
“What? Well... ah...”
“See, you hesitated. You hesitated, fumo!” he pointed out triumphantly.
I groaned.
“Moffle-san, don’t tease her like that!” Ashe-san scolded.
“I’m not teasing her, fumo!”
The two burst out in cackles yet again. I was starting to feel like I wanted to kill someone.
“Ah, we’re sorry,” Ashe-san told me. “We’re really not trying to be mean.”
“O-Okay...” I agreed shakily.
“I understand why you’d be attracted to someone like Kanie-san.”
“Well, well! There’s a dynamite admission, fumo.”
“I mean it, though. He’s very handsome. If I were in high school, I’d probably be falling all over him!” Ashe-san skillfully laughed off Moffle-san’s implication. Magnificent. Incredible. I took note of her technique and filed it away in the back of my mind. I’d love to say a line like that, some day.
No, wait a minute! I told myself. Focus! I can’t let the conversation keep going this way! They’re making it sound like I’m in love with Kanie-san! I need to voice an objection! “But, but um, I don’t... he’s my boss, I mean... That’s the only way I meant it.”
“Of course, of course. That’s what we’ll tell everyone.” Ashe-san patted my shoulder, smiling brightly. “Still... you should try to be less superficial. It won’t do you any favors in life.”
“R-Really?” I asked weakly.
“Really. For instance...” Ashe-san patted Moffle-san on the back.
“Moffu?”
“Let’s take this plush rodent fellow, here,” she suggested. “He’s strapping, isn’t he? He’s a former general, isn’t he? He’s amazing, isn’t he? He may frequently do stupid things, but he’s also frequently intelligent. You need to be able to see that in people.”
“What in the world? You make it sound like I’m not handsome, fumo.”
“You’re not handsome,” Ashe-san agreed amiably.
“Moffu,” Moffle huffed. “Well, maybe not.”
“But I still think you’re amazing, Moffle-san.”
“You do? I’m surprised, fumo.”
“You’re magnificent,” Ashe-san said soothingly, “truly.”
Another shockwave hit me. There was a genuine subtext behind their exchange. Sitting side by side, joking, there was a bit—just a bit of eroticism in the way Ashe-san gazed at Moffle. Of course, it wasn’t exactly yearning. But! How to put it... It did feel a little bit like “You’re on my radar!”
Oh, Goddess Libra! As far as I knew, Ashe-san doesn’t know about Moffle-senpai’s human form—that bearded, Aragorn-looking dreamboat. The only people who had seen that picture were me, the Elementario trio and Isuzu-san. Ashe-san was acting that way because she had an eye for people’s personalities that went above and beyond how physically attractive he might be. I had to say I was really impressed. (Although physical appearances aside, I still find Moffle-san a little harsh!) I was on pins and needles waiting to see how he would react.
“...Hmm, I can’t say as I know what to do with that. Cast leader and financial manager... forbidden love, fumo.” He went right for it! His plush paw even took Ashe-san’s hand. “If... If we tried it, Ashe, would you...”
“Yes?” she said.
“Would you approve the budget request I submitted last week?” Moffle asked earnestly.
“Absolutely not,” Ashe-san immediately denied.
“Thought not!”
They immediately cackled, clinked their glasses together, drank the rest down, then shouted “One more Hoppy and one mor
e beer!” in unison.
I was about to die from exhaustion. What a battle of nerves! Were they joking around? Were they fighting? I had no idea. If this is how adults do things, I never want to grow up!
While I sat there, sweating, Moffle-senpai and Ashe-san continued to exchange cheerful(?) banter. In a complete change of subject, they moved on to pro baseball. Surprisingly, Moffle-senpai was a fan of the Giants. But he was the annoying kind of Giants fan who had a lot of internal conflict as a baseball fan, and had to contort himself into all kinds of knots to get over it. Meanwhile, Ashe-san was a fan of Hiroshima. She was an old-school fan who’d been very resentful of the recent “Carp Girls” phenomenon, but by now she’d gotten over it and remained a Hiroshima fan on the basis that the team’s growing popularity was helping them. It was so annoying!
When they asked me what team I liked, I answered, “the Red Sox,” and got ignored; apparently, MLB wasn’t allowed. I should have read the table better. Sorry!
Incidentally, when they asked the question of Wanipii-senpai, he just shut them down with, “I don’t watch baseball, pii.”
“You never change, Wanipii,” Moffle-senpai sighed.
“What does that mean, pii?”
“You know... Just name any ball club, even as a joke,” Moffle told him. “Like the Nankai Hawks.” I couldn’t tell how that was a joke, though I’d heard a ball club with that name had existed a long time ago.
“But I really don’t know anything about baseball teams, pii!” Wanipii-senpai protested. “I could name every past and present Morning Musume member if you want me to, though.”
“R-Really, fumo?”
“Easily, pii. Want me to try, pii? I’ll go alphabetically...”
“No, that’s not necessary.” Ashe-san cut him off swiftly. Wanipii-senpai looked sad about that.
“But idol groups... that’s an unknown frontier for us, isn’t it, fumo?” Moffle said thoughtfully. “We just kind of threw Task Force ABC together, of course. What do you think of them, Wanipii?” Moffle-senpai may have been trying to be considerate, as Wanipii-senpai had been almost completely silent since they’d first arrived at Savage. Maybe he was feeling bad about that and was changing the subject to Wanipii-senpai’s specialty.