Burden

by Lila Felix

  Padding to the river’s edge as quietly as she could, she snuck up on her intended prey. Then without warning, she plunged her head into the water, once, twice, three times, each time moving to a different spot, catching four catfish.

  I had yet to see anything my female wasn’t absolutely killer at doing.

  She picked up the biggest fish and laid it in front of me and then bumped my muzzle with hers, urging me to eat.

  Maybe she deserved a better male than me.

  We ate our fish together in the sunset, but as the weather took a turn for cold, I prompted our return. She waited behind me as we approached the house. But upon smelling no one, I turned, letting her shift and go into the house. It took every ounce of restraint not to turn around and look upon the body of my mate. I heard her shut the other bedroom door, and it wasn’t until then that I shifted and went inside. I showered, hoping the hot water would wash away the sense of looming danger throbbing in the depths of my chest. I heard the door of the bathroom open, and it startled me. There was nothing wrong with her, her heartbeat remained the same.

  “I brought you a warm towel and your clothes. Are you hungry still?”

  “No, are you?”

  “No. I’m going to put the food away. Are you going to tell me what’s bothering you?”

  I hesitated—I thought I was such a damned stealthy male, keeping my heartbeat and feelings under wraps—but I should’ve known better. She was the Coeur, my mate was the heartbeat of the clan. How did I ever think that I could hide something from her?

  Idiot.

  “Yes, mate of mine. I should’ve known you’d pick up on it.”

  “Well, you could’ve tried a little harder, road rage, really?”

  I laughed into the spray washing the swamp from my face, “I suck at lying.”

  “No kidding. Anyway, you shouldn’t have even tried. I don’t even want to keep the secret of my gift for you. I’m going downstairs.”

  “Okay. Thank you.”

  Shutting the door behind her, she went down the stairs, her heart a little more fluttery; anxious to hear what I had to say.

  After toweling off, brushing my teeth and throwing on my boxers and pants, I went downstairs. She still bounced around the kitchen, so I took the opportunity to just watch her. Everything about her was remarkable. She flattened out the aluminum foil onto the top of the pans and then had a system of tucking the short sides in first and then folding the long sides on top. I’d noticed she did the same thing with our bed. The flat sheet was folded and tucked in a way fitting the best hotels.

  She took care in everything she did. I couldn’t begin to imagine what gift she was making for our mating ceremony. But what she also didn’t know was that I had taken it upon myself to make her a gift as well.

  Next, going to the sink, she reached up to the windowsill and retrieved something from a jar, a hairband, and then proceeded to go through the process of putting all of her hair into that small circle contraption. Her long, graceful arms pulling and swirling those raven tresses this way and that revealing the curve of her waist, growing more and more pronounced as she ate regularly and rested properly.

  She was exquisite—and she was mine.

  And then she caught me staring.

  “What?”

  “I love you.”

  There was nothing else to say—nothing else that would even come close to explain why I stared at her, why every damn move she made was pure magic.

  Mouth opened in awe, she dropped the dish she was working on but said nothing, simply stared out the window.

  My heart rate drummed in my chest. It was her—she was coming unglued. I stalked over to her, wasting no time engulfing her in my arms, trying to calm her. The only thing I could think of was anger—she must be mad at me for saying I loved her. I said it too fast. It hadn’t even been a week. I was rushing her and us.

  “I’m so sorry.”

  “What are you sorry for?”

  “I said it too quickly. But I can’t help it. I do. I love everything about you. I love who you are. I love how you are perfect for me. I love how you love the clan. I won’t say it again if it bothers you this much.”

  “I just never expected it.”

  I turned her around—I couldn’t take not looking in her eyes as she spoke.

  “You never expected what?”

  She moved her gaze downward, “I thought it was just nature taking its course. I thought we were mated and we would live together and raise cubs—and I thought it was all…”

  “All what, Echo?”

  “All sort of mechanical.”

  Mechanical? That’s what her hang up was. She thought the mate claim was nothing more than raging hormones and biologics, DNA working in some factory, pairing together like people for the mating call.

  “When you marked me, was that mechanical? When you kiss me, is it cold, unfeeling action?”

  “No,” she breathed against my lips.

  “I am in love with you, wholly and completely. And I’m not asking you to say it back. I just want you to know. Yes, you are my mate. But even if you weren’t, I don’t think I could help falling in love with you.”

  One lone drop fell from her eye. I wiped it away with my thumb. I hated that I’d caused her pain.

  She nodded once and then thumped her weary head against my chest. And even though there was a twinge of longing for her to say it back to me, the most important thing was that she now knew. At least we had that. At least I would know, if she ever had to leave, if her mother ever made that call, I’d said it.

  “Why don’t you let me finish these and then I’ll be up to bed?”

  She ducked out of the cage of my arms without an agreement or argument—practically running upstairs. I washed the rest of the dishes and went upstairs, hoping that she wouldn’t completely be off-put by my confession. My hopes were realized when I walked into the bedroom and she was on the other side of the bed, clinging to the edge of the mattress. Her shaking shoulders gave away her sob.

  I had a choice. Either I could’ve gone to sleep, and let her cry or I could do what my bear was begging me to do; I could hold her through the cries and try my best to let her know it was okay.

  My bear won.

  After brushing my teeth, I crawled in next to her and pulled her against me. She was freezing again.

  “It’s okay, Echo,” I soothed in her ear. “You don’t have to say it or even feel it. It’s enough. Me loving you is more than enough for a lifetime. Just promise me one thing.”

  “What?”

  “Always tell me goodnight. Even if you’re angry, even if you can’t stand the sight of me. I won’t be able to sleep until I hear it.”

  “Goodnight, Hawke.”

  Hawke—not mate, but Hawke.

  I’d never told anyone I’d loved them—no one. And I’d never been told by someone that they loved me. I wouldn’t know love if it slammed into me like an eighteen wheeler.

  But if there was such a thing as love, it was oozing from Hawke. The sincerity in his deep brown eyes was unparalleled. And there’d always been the hope of more—of a mate who was not only told by nature to be with me, but for a male who loved me—but until the night before, it remained just that—a simple hope.

  I wanted to say it, I did. And I felt it. I knew I was a goner when he read to me. But I’d hesitated too long, and now if I said it back he’d think it was artificial.

  But it wasn’t, my love for Hawke was as real as anything I’d ever felt.

  As the sun rose, I turned around in his hold just to look at him. We’d been through so much in a short week, and I just wanted to be still and look at my mate. He had a perfect widow’s peak at the top of his forehead. There was one scar, thin and straight that went right through his right eyebrow under the hair. The bridge of his nose was narrow, and the line of his jaw defined and square. When he smiled, a deep dimple appeared on his left cheek, and it almost balanced out the scar. There was a freckle on the inside
of his top lip, and it could be seen sometimes when he spoke. I never needed a blanket when we slept and now I thought it kinda pointless making a blanket for our ceremony, but it was too late.

  I leaned on my elbow looking down on him.

  I loved him.

  Not being able to withstand the curiosity, I touched his abs and watched as the muscles quivered with my touch.

  “Careful, mate. My bear and I are liking that a little too much. Wait until after the ceremony for the love of God.”

  I didn’t laugh. I needed to tell him now.

  “Now you have to promise me something.”

  “Anything,” he said as his hands tangled in my hair.

  “Promise me that every morning you’ll say good morning and you love me.”

  He smiled, “Ok, lay back down, you cheated.”

  “Fine,” I threw my head back down on the pillow.

  “Good morning, Mate. I love you.”

  I inhaled a tremendous breath, “I love you too.”

  In an instant, he was hovering above me, in much the same position I had been in before, “Don’t say it just to say it. And don’t say it to placate me.”

  “Are you doubting my love?”

  “Never. Tell me again.”

  “I love you, Hawke. I was just surprised last night.”

  He kissed me then like he was sating an appetite.

  A simultaneous knock on the door and his phone ringing stopped us dead.

  He growled and punched the mattress beside him, “I’ll get the door if you can get my phone, please.”

  “Sure.”

  I answered the phone. It was Martha. She had Elliot and Evan at her house and they’d missed the bus, but she was busy and asked if I could bring them. I quickly threw on some clothes, brushed my teeth and ran downstairs. The Betas were in the living room, very seriously discussing something with Hawke. They were going to be late for work. I grabbed my little coin purse Martha had made for me, attached to my copies of the truck and house keys Hawke had made for me and bolted.

  “What’s up?” Hawke asked, while the Betas bared their necks.

  “Evan and Elliot missed the bus again, and Martha is busy. I’m going to bring them to school.”

  “I have to go to work.”

  “I know, I’m sorry, no breakfast for you.”

  “No sweat. Thank you.”

  “Ok, I have to go. I love you.”

  “I love you too.”

  There was some jeering from the Beta Comedy Quartet, but Rev just smiled. Hawke hadn’t told them of the new Beta arrangements, so he showed up just in case he was needed.

  He pulled me in for one, two, three kisses before I finally made a run for it. I walked over to Martha’s house, put the boys in the truck and then took off towards the school. The kids had to point, giving me directions to get there—and then I heard one of their stomachs rumble.

  “Didn’t you eat breakfast?”

  “We ran out of milk-- and we’re not supposed to cook when Mom’s not home.”

  I looked at the clock and saw they boys still had forty minutes before the tardy bell rang. The times of the bells were typed in bold at the top of the list of students who’d been truant.

  “Let’s go get some food.”

  I drove them to the first place I saw, a Jack In The Box drive thru. The boys could eat, I’d give them that. They each ate huge breakfast sandwiches, hash browns and each drank two orange juices and two milks. I’d parked in the parking lot and waited until they were done before continuing on. We arrived at school ten minutes before the tardy bell and they didn’t hesitate to remind me about our fire making pact.

  I drove home, but Hawke was already gone, leaving a note telling me that it wasn’t nice of me to leave that early in the morning. I cleaned the house quickly, two people didn’t really make a big mess and did all of the laundry. I knew Martha was busy and I’d woken up early, so I decided to curl up with the quilt that always rested on the couch and decide exactly what kind of feast I’d make on Sunday. I grinned at myself as I planned the meal. It was the first time I’d planned a meal which would feed those I loved.

  Sometime later, I heard and smelled him, I must’ve dozed off somewhere in planning. He was heating up food in the kitchen. Either I’d slept a long time or he was home early. Walking into the kitchen, I noticed he looked so serious.

  “Why so serious?”

  “Hi, did I wake you?”

  “No.”

  “Do you mind running with the clan tomorrow night? And did you know clan is not really the word we should be using?”

  “Running with the clan is fine. And what word are we supposed to use?

  “Rev says the official word for a group of bears is a sleuth. He said one of the Alphas changed it hundreds of years ago and it stuck. Weird.”

  “Yeah. So, you avoided my question.”

  “I was thinking about taking my mate on a date.”

  “That’s all?”

  “Yes.”

  I looked over at the clock, and it was only noon.

  “You’re home early?”

  “Half days on Fridays. Where do you want to go?”

  He walked over to me, kissed me once, short but very sweet and I wrapped my arms around his waist.

  “Somewhere quiet.”

  “Quiet? I can do that. Monday, I’ve hired some people to come in and do some repairs around the lands. It’s been needed for a while. I called that doctor for Clarissa this morning and she will be here this afternoon. Clarissa doesn’t know it, but she doesn’t have a choice. It’s not healthy for her children. And I had the van towed to Ernest’s repair shop.”

  “Wow, all I did was bring some kids to school, make a menu and take a nap. You were industrious today.”

  “I did have one more job I thought we could do together after we eat.”

  “What’s that?”

  “Moving all your stuff into our bedroom.”

  I looked up at him, his jaw was taking responsibility for the stress by ticking back and forth.

  “That sounds like a fantastic idea.”

  We ate together and for the rest of the day we changed the bedroom from his to ours, which didn’t take long considering I had very few possessions.

  He turned to me suddenly as I was hanging up the last shirt, “I have an idea.”

  “Tell me.”

  “There’s a cabin. I don’t think anyone’s been up there in years. It’s an hour drive. We can spend the night and be back here for the meeting in the morning. But I don’t know what kind of condition it’s in. We might be disappointed.”

  “Why didn’t anyone go up there?”

  “I don’t know. Can you pack us a bag while I tell the Betas we’re leaving the lands?”

  “Of course.”

  He talked on the phone while I packed a small bag full of things we might need and before I knew it, we were on our way. We stopped at a small grocery store, the last one, Hawke said, we would hit before the cabin. He laughed at my junk food and I made a face at his non junk food. It was already getting dark when he veered onto a tiny dirt road. We drove further and further on the darkened path with water to one side and Cypress trees to the other. If there was a cabin out here, I was sure it’d been swallowed up by an alligator.

  And then he turned left through an opening of trees and I saw it.

  It was a tiny cabin, couldn’t have been more than four hundred square feet—made entirely of wood, it showed no signs of wear on the outside despite its surroundings.

  “You look scared. It’s just a cabin,” he smiled at me, grabbed a flashlight and then got out, coming around to open my door. We went to the back where he pulled our bag, and another I hadn’t packed out of the back of his truck.

  We went inside, and the place looked clean, even though Hawke had said it wasn’t used.

  “Maybe someone keeps it clean for the clan?” He asked himself.

  A double bed, made of logs took up the center of th
e room, a makeshift bathroom was in the corner with its own log door and walls and two simple rocking chairs and a one legged table filled the other.

  The striking of a match startled me as Hawke turned off his flashlight and lit an older looking oil lamp. It gave the whole place a glow that no light fixture could compare with. A shiver vibrated through me. It could never be as cold down here as it had been at the grizzly lands, but I was freezing just the same.

  “You’ve got your own personal heater, you know.”

  “I do know. Thank you.” He’d bundled me in a hug.

  “I don’t have my books,” I pouted.

  “That’s why tonight, I thought I’d tell you all the stories my mom would tell me, since you were denied those.”

  “Only if they have a happy ending. I hate tragedies.”

  Ten childhood stories and thirteen seriously adorable fits of laughter later, we lay together, contented in the silence.

  “I can hear everything out here.”

  “Mmmmmhmmm, like what?”

  “Like the splashes of the fish or alligators, something scurrying in the mud—and the screech owls—I have to admit those kinda creep me out.”

  And then, as if the Creator Himself heard her hidden plea, ticks and plops of rain pummeled onto the tin roof of our cabin, covering all other unwanted sounds. The first rumble of thunder startled Echo and she hid her face against my neck.

  “Two things, screech owls and thunder.”

  She nodded, her nose pressed against my chest as it moved up and down with her confirmation. The big bear female was scared of two things that no bear should ever be scared of.

  The only thing I knew to do about it was hold her and create another sound she could take comfort in. But I’d forgotten my iPod—all I had was me. I began to hum Northern Wind by City and Colour. I knew she didn’t know the words but I reverberated the sounds like words from my heart to hers. Hooking her leg around my hip, she nestled in closer, turning to press her ear against my chest. And then she sighed again, the contented sigh of my joyful female.