Toxicity

by Andy Remic

  “Dangerous something,” said Zoot.

  “Let’s get moving. The sooner we get out of this shithole, the sooner we can go home.”

  “Home!” wailed Svool, wiping away a tear from the corner of his eye. “Alas, a place I wish...” He stared down at the end of Lumar’s pistol. He saw she had the primitive weapon cocked. The safety catch was off. And she had her finger on the delicate trigger.

  “Don’t fucking push it,” she growled, forked tongue flickering. She turned to Zoot, and the PopBot glowed at her. “You’re able to map out the internals to this place?”

  “Yes. It is a labyrinth indeed. Herbert has certainly led us to the most dangerous craphole on the planet, by my reckoning. But I can scan no life. These toxic creatures he was babbling about, I cannot locate them.”

  “Maybe he was mistaken?” said Lumar, eyes narrowed again. “Zoot. You fly up ahead and navigate. I’ll follow, and Svool can come behind me because... well, he’s a useless moron...”

  “I saved you!”

  “Okay, I’ll grant you a lucky shot and the balls to give it a go; but I wouldn’t put my trust in you if I had to. You’re flakier than a chocolate flake. Right, then Angelina can follow, and finally we have Herbert bringing up the rear.”

  “Why am I at the back?” snorted the horse. “It’s those at the back who get picked off first by deranged toxic beasties! I’ve seen it, in the filmys at the Bacillus Port Filmy Showhouse.”

  “Yeah, well it’s your fault we’re in here. So you can take the greatest risk.”

  “Charming.”

  “And besides,” smiled Lumar. “You obviously have the widest arse. I wouldn’t like to get trapped behind you again during an impending rockfall, would I? So you go at the back. That way, your bulbous arse condemns nobody but yourself.”

  ~ * ~

  THEY WALKED FOR hours. Lumar padded along, alert, using Zoot’s weak but effective travel lights and the projected glow from Angelina’s nostril headlamps to light the way. The narrow tunnel ran through miles of rock, all rough-hewn and seemingly hacked by hand using primitive tools. The place had the air of long abandonment. Lumar couldn’t decide if that was good or bad.

  Before long the tunnel split into seven other tunnels. Zoot guided them, and they padded off into the darkness, heading down. Before long, one wall fell away in a jagged diagonal, and they walked alongside an underground river. It was wide and flat and dark, and flowed swiftly and without sound; without the light of Angelina’s headlamps, they could have quite easily toppled in. The smell was much stronger here as well, and the group eventually halted on a natural stone platform overlooking what appeared to be a lake. Angelina shone her lights across the vast still water, but they could not make out any far shore.

  “It’s real creepy,” said Svool, who seemed subdued now. The reality of the situation was encroaching past his ego and manic self-belief. He was starting to feel claustrophobic, and the smell did nothing to help him. His head hurt, and he was sure he could see modest fumes rising from the surface of the lake.

  “I wouldn’t like to fall in,” murmured Lumar, nodding across the expanse.

  “Rubbish!” beamed Herbert. “It’s totally safe! I’d wager you could fall in, swim around, and get out just as happy as a punter on a fairground rollercoaster with a big stack of sticky candyfloss.”

  Svool looked at his horse. “You really are an annoying gimp,” he said.

  Herbert winked. “Better get used to it, buster. You’ve got me for the next thousand years.”

  Svool stared at the horse, then at the lake. An idea occurred to him. “I tell you what. Why don’t you jump in and prove your theory correct? Go on. If you do it, I’ll buy you a banana.”

  “An apple.”

  “What?”

  “Horses like apples.”

  “Whatever,” said Svool. “Go on, pal. Jump in. Let’s see how long it takes you to melt...”

  “Actually,” said Zoot, whizzing over, “that’s no over-exaggeration. I’ve just completed a toxic analysis of the lake, and of course the river that feeds it. It is highly dangerous. Lethal. Deadly. A killer. It would kill both you and Lumar instantly. And yes, it would melt Herbert - within about three minutes.”

  “What is it, then?” snorted Herbert.

  “It’s unrefined lirridium,” said Zoot quietly.

  “Unrefined... you mean spaceship fuel?” said Svool.

  “Yes.”

  “Isn’t that flammable?”

  “It has its moments. In this state, it’s more stable, but trust me, if you give it enough heat, or enough spark... VOOM! Goodbye Grandma.” Zoot turned on Lumar. “So you need to put the pistols away. For good. If you fire them down here, you could ignite...”

  “Yes?”

  “Well, the whole damn mountain.”

  Carefully, Lumar packed away the pistols. She stared at Herbert, shaking her head.

  “What?” he said. “What?”

  They followed the edge of the lirridium lake for a while, and Svool jogged up to stand beside Lumar. “Hey,” he said. “Why do you think all this is down here, then? An accident?”

  “This is no accident.”

  “What is it, then?”

  “This is something to do with Greenstar. Some massive underground reserve. Why? I don’t know. But what I do know is it shouldn’t fucking be here. It’s just another example of their pollution, their control, and their open lack of respect for the land, the earth, the world.”

  “Heavy shit,” said Svool, nodding.

  “Like you’d ever understand, poet.”

  They followed dank, low-roofed tunnels for hours. At one point, Svool touched the damp wall and then sniffed his fingers, frowning. “Zoot?”

  “Yes, boss?”

  “What’s this? Can you give me an analysis?”

  Zoot blipped and blopped, several blue lights flickered in his casing, and then he said, “That would be lirridium.”

  “Seeping through the walls?”

  “It would appear that way.”

  “Is that dangerous?”

  “Most certainly so.”

  “A chance of it exploding?”

  “There is that distinct possibility.”

  “So the tunnels would flood with lirridium?”

  “Yep.”

  “And we’d all die and bubble away into a melt-pot of organic smush?”

  “I think that would be the end result.”

  “Shall we speed up?”

  “I’d recommend that.”

  “Now.”

  “Most certainly!”

  They accelerated their pace, and as the path started to climb, a tiny flame of hope sprang into their hearts. But just as the tunnel reached a high point, they breached a rise, the walls closed in, and they plummeted back down into the depths of the mountain.

  Once again they emerged onto a platform overlooking a mammoth lirridium lake. It shimmered softly in the light of the metal horse headlights, and filled them with a slow-growing terror. If all these billions of gallons of lirridium were to ignite... it’d be a fast game aver. And a hot one.

  Lumar padded up beside Svool and leaned close, her breath sweet, her scent suddenly making Svool snap round and stare into her deep green eyes. He smiled, but she said, “We’re being watched.”

  “By who?”

  “I don’t know, dickhead.”

  Svool’s ardour wavered, but he frowned, and looked into her eyes only inches from his own, and said, “This trip has really brought us together, hasn’t it, Lu?” He saw her frown, tongue flickering, and hurriedly said, “What I mean is, I know you think I was pretty horrible to you back on The Literati. You think I’m a spoilt rich-but-talented bastard who always gets his own way; and I suppose I am and I did. Although it has to be said, my poetry was rather grand and I was welcomed as a genius in all four corners of the Quad-Galaxy...”

  “Get to the point.”

  “Well, our feet really haven’t touched the ground since
we landed here, have they? It’s been a mad, bad dash, an adventure of insane proportions. And now we’re here, stuck in an underground mine or whatever it is, and I have to say - I notice you. I notice the way you move, the way you turn your head, the way you hold your body; I notice the sway of your hips when you walk - and what a fabulous sight that is to behold! I notice the shine in your eyes and the smile on your lips, the cute little flicker of your tongue and the way you twitch your little finger when you’re thinking. I admire your bravery and your strength, and the fact that you never back down, no matter how big or tough the enemy seems to be.” He stopped, and looked at her, embarrassed. Then he gave a little cough and realised it was probably better to be silent than to continue on his present course.

  “So, you’re perving on me?”

  “No! I’m not perving on you. I’m trying to say...”

  “Yes?” It was a wide, friendly smile, and Svool looked into her eyes, then quickly looked away.

  “Er. I’m trying to say I... like you.”

  “I knew that. I suffered hours with your tongue down my ear back on the ship.”

  “No, no! I like you as you, as a person, as a beautiful person...”

  “Is this going to take all day?” hissed Zoot. “Only there’s somebody watching us.”

  “I know,” said Lumar, rolling her eyes. “I’ve been trying to tell lover-boy here.”

  “Is he still trying to spit out his undying love for you?”

  “Yeah, it looks that way.”

  “Hey!” snapped Svool. “I am bloody stood here, you know? I can hear everything you’re saying.”

  “We know.” Lumar grinned. “Look. Important things first. There’s a far off ledge - no don’t look - with a sort of cave on top of it. Huddled towards the back of the cave there’s a person. At least, I think it’s a person.”

  “Scans human to me,” said Zoot.

  “I suggest we keep on moving; maybe they’re hiding...”

  “Maybe it’s a spy!” said Svool, eyes wide.

  “Or a monster!” said Lumar, her own eyes widening.

  “Now you’re taking the piss.”

  “You’re giving it away,” said Lumar, smiling to take the sting out of her words. “We need to move on, Svool. There are more pressing matters at hand than your urgent need to get your end away.”

  “What? What?”

  “Your urges, you know, like back on The Literati.”

  “Give me some credit!” he snapped.

  “Why?”

  “Why?”

  “Yeah, why would I give you some credit? A man is defined by his actions. Your actions are, shall we say, less than heroic.”

  “I rescued you.”

  “After running away.”

  “There’s no pleasing some people.”

  “Okay, okay, you came back for me,” said Lumar, “and for that I am indeed thankful. However. Prior to that it has to be said, you were not exactly hero material. In fact, you were more of an academic pervert with an ego bigger than a Titan-Class Cargo Cruiser.”

  Svool looked glumly at the ground. “This isn’t about sex. It’s about me waking up. About me growing as a person.”

  “If that is a monster in that cave, there’ll be plenty of chances to show me how much of a man you are.”

  “No, what it is - I’ve faced death, now. When General Bronson was pointing that gun at me, and that tinkly music was playing, I knew I was going to die. There was no way I could win that battle. And, and, and, I kind of woke up; I was going to die, without achieving everything I’d wanted to achieve, without saying everything I’d wanted to say; and what I wanted to say the most, Lumar, was that I have feelings for you.”

  They were silent for a while, and she put her hand on his arm. “This is neither the time nor the place.”

  “Is there ever a right time or place?”

  “Come on.” She gave him a dazzling smile. “If we get out of these mines alive, then we can talk some more.”

  She set off up the narrow rocky trail, the still lirridium waters black in the underground cavern. Svool trudged along at the back, hands in the pockets of his sheriff costume, face forlorn and glum. Herbert the metal horse slowed his pace, dropping back to walk alongside Svool.

  “You okay, buster?”

  “No. Get lost.”

  “Awww, come on, buster. I’m only trying to help! I know how you feel. I know exactly how you feel. I know how you feel so bad it hurts! I know how you feel so bad it makes me want to shit nuts and bolts!”

  Svool stopped, and stared at the robotic horse. “You’re not helping,” he said, through gritted teeth.

  “I, too, have been in love,” said the horse.

  “How? How the hell has a rusted robotic heap of shit been in love? You’re a fucking machine, mate. You’re a collection of steel plates and cables. You have a battery, a sump, and a fuel pump. How, by all that’s holy in Manna, can you have ever experienced my human emotions?”

  Herbert leant close, and Svool could smell old engine oil. He winked. “I just have, buster.” There came a whining, whirring noise as a leg jerked upwards in a succession of jarring, snapping jerks, and a hoof the size of a dinner plate slapped Svool on the back - in what Herbert probably thought was an act of camaraderie, but in practice almost sent Svool face-first into the lake of lirridium and certain death in the depths. “Come on! There’s work to be done!”

  ~ * ~

  DURING THE COURSE of the day-long trek, they stopped four or five times, and each time Lumar pointed out the figure watching them.

  “How can it be the same person?” said Svool, looking down into his noodles.

  They’d stopped for a rest, weary from incessant walking and the constant on-edge feeling of trekking alongside the world’s greatest fuel tank. Rooting through Angelina’s saddlebags, Lumar had found tins of beans and packets of noodles. Tipping noodles into a small pan, Herbert had opened a door in his flank and warmed the pan for them. The upside was they now had warm refreshing noodles to fill their empty grumbling bellies. The downside was they tasted of rotting sump oil.

  “All I can think,” said Lumar, “is that there’s a complex of parallel tunnels that our spy is using to keep pace with us. Either that, or there’s more than one person.”

  “You mean, like a tribe of fish-eyed monsters living down here?”

  Lumar looked strangely at Svool. “Your mind works funny. You know that?”

  “Hey, that’s why I’m such a fabulous poet! Us creative types, we’re completely zany, you know.” He said it with a straight face.

  “Hmm.”

  “Zoot?” said Lumar.

  “Yes?”

  “Head back there. See if you can find a secondary tunnel network. Try and flush out our little spy up ahead. Let’s see who’s so interested in watching us.”

  “Is that such a wise idea?” said Svool.

  “You’d prefer a bullet in the back of the skull?”

  “Good point.”

  Zoot zipped off, and was swallowed by the darkness.

  In silence, Lumar packed away the pan in her saddlebags and, with weary sighs, they moved on through the jagged tunnels.

  ~ * ~

  IT WAS A large square chamber, stacked high with metal slabs. Svool trotted forward and poked one, then frowned. “It’s soft,” he said.

  “It looks like processed ore,” said Lumar, checking behind and then looking ahead, her pistol up near her cheek. The chamber was perhaps a kilometre square, and stacked high with these metal slabs - each one about the size of a groundcar, and probably running to tens of thousands in number. They were set out in a grid, so that corridors ran off at regular intervals from what Lumar considered to be the main passage through.

  “I don’t like this,” she said.

  “A good place for an ambush?”

  “Yeah. That’s right.” She took a good look at Svool. “I am astonished at your acumen.”

  “I’m not just a pretty face,”
he said.

  “Yeah. Right.”

  They moved on, Herbert’s plate-hooves clipping and clopping. Eventually, Lumar whirled on him. “Oy! Useless bastard who’s going to get us all killed! Haven’t you got a stealth mode or something?”

  “I could, neigh, perhaps walk on my tippy toes?”