Losing It

by Audra North

  She’d fought so hard, had struggled through chemo and repeated blood work and worried doctors’ faces, but in the end…

  I tried to shrug it off, but it didn’t feel right, dismissing Mom’s death like that. Instead, my shoulders got stuck around my ears and I could feel the fucking tears burning my eyes again.

  “Here. Have a donut.” Bobby had picked up the bag from the floor and was holding it out, the smell of sugar and oil wafting up my nose and uncoiling me, just a bit, from the harsh memories of the past couple of years.

  I grabbed the bag and pulled one out. “What are you doing here so early, anyway? It’s, like, eight o’clock in the morning.”

  Bobby stuffed the rest of the donut into his mouth and snorted as he chewed. “Yeah, well. I’m a working man now. We can’t all be fancy doctors like you.”

  I rolled my eyes. “It’s your day off, and fuck that shit about fancy doctors when you’re about to start law school in September.”

  “My statement still holds true.”

  I tossed the bag of donuts back at Bobby. He caught it against his chest, the bag crumpling with a satisfying squish. “Really, you should run for Prime Minister someday.”

  “I’ll consider it. In the meantime, it’s my first day off from work and I hooked us up with a white water rafting thing. Surprise! Happy graduation and great job on being a grouchy shit. Now get dressed and let’s go.”

  What the hell? For a moment, I just stood there. “You set up a white water rafting thing for me as a surprise graduation present?”

  Bobby nodded.

  “That’s nice…and kinda weird. But nice. What if I hadn’t been home, though? Or had other plans? I do have to go to the bank today and—”

  Bobby grabbed another donut from the bag and chuckled. “Whatever, man. You never have any other plans. If you weren’t hanging with me, you’d be holed up in this depressing house, probably staring at the TV for hours. Without bothering to turn it on.” He was getting into it now, shaking the donut in my direction in reprimand. “Hell, you’ve barely even looked at girls since you broke up with Tori, and that was, like, eight hundred years ago. I mean, when are you ever gonna get some again?”

  I bristled. “I’ve gotten some!”

  “Dry humping Maxine Rhodes in the bathroom of Gordon’s Burgers doesn’t count.”

  “Why do you have to keep bringing that up?”

  “Because I’m worried that your balls might shrivel up and fall off.” He tipped his head, the donut poised at his mouth. “Isn’t that a medical condition that they taught you in advanced organic bio, or whatever shit you had to take for your degree?”

  I gave a frustrated laugh and ran a hand through my hair. “You’re really insane, you know that? And…dude. Quit thinking so much about my balls. That’s what’s going to make them fall off.”

  “Fine, I’ll stop worrying about your testes—” Bobby laughed at the look of disgust on my face “—if you get dressed and come on, already. It’s just a day thing, and we’ll be done with the rafting and lunch by three o’clock, tops. Plenty of time to go to the bank after.”

  Bobby might be exaggerating a little, but fine. I would admit that my social life had been pretty sad the past two years. It was just that…Mom’s cancer had turned everything upside down. Shortly after I’d started my third year at University of Alberta, Mom’s health had begun to decline, and then she had to go into a wheelchair and weakened even further. I’d arranged all of my classes so that I could commute back and forth several times a week, spending all of my time studying, driving, or taking care of her.

  I looked at a stack of photos I’d piled on the dining table. The one on top was of Mom, taken years ago, before she’d gotten sick. She was wearing a Christmas sweater and laughing into the camera. I’d taken that photo. She’d looked so healthy. So happy…

  All the clear confidence I’d had about becoming a doctor had been shaken by her cancer. By not being able to do anything to stop it.

  A year ago she had died in my arms, in this very house, right after I’d finished my third year exams—but not before she’d made me promise that I would continue excelling at school and become the doctor I wanted to be. She’d seen how I’d been struggling.

  I’d fulfilled part of that promise, graduating at the top of my class just over one week ago and getting accepted into Toronto’s medical program. But it had felt like a hollow achievement since she wasn’t alive to see it. In fact, everything since she’d died had felt hollow, like there was an empty space in me that I was afraid would never be filled again. That I wasn’t sure I ever wanted to be filled again. There was too much risk involved. Too big a chance for the pain of losing someone.

  Bobby let out a groan of frustration. “Come on, Miller. You think staying holed up in this place until you sell it and leave is some grand tribute to your mom? Because I can tell you, she would have hated that.”

  Bobby was right. Fuck. Bobby was always right. He had a knack for that kind of thing. Mom definitely would have yelled at me for withdrawing like I had.

  But then, she wasn’t the one who’d been left behind.

  Damn. Listen to yourself. When did you get so whiny?

  Bobby was right. Maybe it was time to pretend I was a real human being, even just for a day. And who knew? Maybe I would even meet a girl and Bobby would stop talking about my nuts.

  “All right. Give me five minutes. ” I headed to my room to get dressed, ignoring Bobby’s victory cheer behind me.

  Chapter 2

  Emery

  “Thanks again, guys. I’ll see you around.” I pushed the car door shut and waved as my three road trip companions pulled away from the front entrance to Stone Cliff Resort and Lodge. Thank God I’d found that post on the school’s online bulletin board.

  Driving to Calgary for summer break. We’ve got three, looking for fourth person to split fuel cost. Leaving Saturday, call if interested.

  I’d called, we’d all taken turns driving, and after nearly thirty-six hours on the road¸ we’d just pulled up here. I’d found several search results for Theodore Chamberses all over Canada, but most of them were too old to be Ted’s son. And there were no results in Deerfield. I did try calling the law firm in New Brunswick that was handling Ted’s estate, hoping for more clues, but they wouldn’t divulge any information.

  But the guys I’d driven with, who were all from around here, told me that most of the locals worked in the resorts, and that if I was looking for someone, the best place to start at was the one that had been around the longest.

  Stone Cliff.

  “Okay. Here I am.” I muttered it under my breath as I looked around, feeling a bit let down by what I saw.

  Not that it wasn’t a nice place. But my general plan had been to get a room for a bit until I could at least figure out if this Theodore guy and his mother actually lived around here. Except when I turned and looked at the large stone pillars holding up the wide covered porch, the heavy carved wooden doors that led to the lobby, and the well-dressed people on the front lawn, it was obvious that the couple hundred bucks I had in my purse wouldn’t last more than a night or two at this place.

  Meanwhile, who knew how long would it take to find Ted’s son?

  Right. Small change of plans. Job first, then lodging, then I could start my search for this kid. I could always quit the job and leave once I found him, but I wouldn’t get very far without money.

  I grabbed my bags and squared my shoulders before heading inside. The lobby had high ceilings, and the furniture and décor was all plush comfort and warm tones. I’d seen a few cabins on the far side of the lot that hadn’t looked as nice as this, but this was pretty fancy.

  I was just coming up to reception, where a guy about my age was manning the desk, when I heard a loud voice coming from an open door behind the concierge’s station.

  “What do you mean, she quit? She can’t quit! This is one of the busiest times of the year. I can’t afford to be short staffed.”


  I froze. Had someone from the resort staff just quit? This might be the answer to my money problems, at least. I strained, trying to hear the rest of the conversation just as the young receptionist guy noticed me and smiled.

  For a second, everything I’d done—left a prestigious internship, driven thousands of miles across Canada in search of a guy no one had ever met—hit me so hard that I nearly fell over.

  What was I doing here?

  You’re doing the right thing. You’re the only one who was willing. You can’t trust anyone but yourself. Don’t fail. You can’t fail.

  Right. I regained my composure quickly enough that the receptionist didn’t notice my steps falter ever so slightly.

  I smiled, and the young guy—I was close enough now to see that his nametag read Michael—flushed. “Good morning, ma’am. Checking in?”

  I threw a glance at the open door then looked back at him. “Actually, I couldn’t help but overhear that you might be a little shorthanded. I was wondering if I could apply for the job.”

  He opened his eyes wide, and I wondered how long he’d been on the job, since he looked like this was the first time anyone had approached him for anything other than checking in or getting another room key or something.

  “Uh…sure. Okay. Let me—excuse me for a second and I’ll go check.”

  He sort of scooted left, toward the open door from which I’d heard the voice coming a minute before, and gave a tentative knock on the frame.

  “What’s up, Mike?” The voice sounded friendly now, though a bit tense.

  “Mr. Brake, sorry to interrupt. There’s a customer—I mean, a girl—out here who wants a job.”

  There was a shuffling sound, and then Mike moved out of the way, flattening himself against the back wall to allow Mr. Brake through the door. He was older, maybe late thirties or something—older than I, anyway. He caught sight of me immediately and then smiled.

  “Welcome to Stone Cliff Resort and Lodge. I’m Donald Brake, the resort manager. How may I help you?”

  I nodded to Mike in thanks and then took a deep breath before turning back to Mr. Brake, wearing my most professional expression. “Good morning. My name is Emery Phillips. I’ve just arrived and heard—by accident—that you might need another employee.”

  Mr. Brake was quiet for a minute, looking me over. Like, not in a creepy way. More like…assessing. But I wasn’t worried. I was young and strong, and even though I was a bit rumpled from all the travel, I’d pulled my dark brown hair back and washed my face at the last gas station, so I at least looked clean and mostly presentable.

  “Are you looking for summer only or something permanent?”

  “Summer. I just finished my junior year at Toronto.”

  He raised an eyebrow. “You from there?”

  I shook my head. “I grew up on PEI.” In a house that I refuse to lose.

  “Do you know how to clean?”

  I nodded. This was the strangest job interview I’d ever had. But beggars couldn’t be choosers. There were no other options—I had to be careful with my money, and it’s not like I knew anyone around here I could crash with.

  You don’t have a real relationship with anyone.

  I blinked at my mom’s words, popping into my mind. That isn’t true. I have relationships. Good ones. I just don’t know anyone out here in the middle of fucking Nowhere, Alberta.

  I tossed the thought away. It didn’t matter. I was already making progress.

  Mr. Brake smiled. “Great. You’re hired.” He held out his hand over the counter, and I shook it, feeling exceptionally triumphant. Ha. So there. I didn’t need relationships or connections or any of that crap.

  He pulled his hand away and picked up the phone behind the desk. “I’ll get Claudette from housekeeping to set you up with a uniform and show you the ropes.”

  In the next second, Mr. Brake was talking to someone on the other end of the line about employment forms and safety training, while I patted myself on the back and breathed a sigh of relief at the same time.

  Hopefully, finding Theodore Chambers would be as easy as finding a job had been.

  * * *

  Ryan

  “Sorry we didn’t make it to the bank, man.”

  Bobby smacked me on the back and handed me a beer. We’d just arrived at the Cave—a section of the local beach far enough away from the tourist area that only locals and staff from the resorts bothered going out there. It was part cove, part packed sand, sheltered by tall rocks and perfect for drinking, dancing, and the bonfire that burned there every night.

  The spot had been the local hangout for years. The last time I’d been there had been a couple of years ago, before Mom had died, and being back felt strange. Wrong, somehow.

  “It’s all right.” I took the beer from Bobby and tipped it toward him in thanks. I hesitated a second before taking a sip, wondering whether I should tell him about what mom had said before she died, about how she should have told me things I needed to know, but that I’d find out after she was gone.

  Fuck that. I’d tried to put it out of my mind for a year. A fucking year. And when I’d found that key to a safety deposit box last night…I’d known right away that that was what she had been talking about. It was always in my thoughts despite my best efforts. I hadn’t found anything else in her room that pointed to any big secrets or told me anything important that I needed to know.

  And I wasn’t proud of how angry at her I was.

  Okay, so. Not the time to explain to Bobby that I hadn’t made it to the bank because I was fucking freaked out about what I was going to find in that box.

  I took a sip of my beer. “Nah, man. No worries. No use ruining a fun day by diving back into the past.”

  That part was true, at least—that the day had been fun. One of the best days I’d had in a long time, actually. I’d been white water rafting before, but it had been years since the last time I’d gone. Noah, the rafting guide, had made sure everyone had a really good time, and at the end of the trip, there was huge barbeque lunch. We’d all hung out and eaten a ton of great food. Afterward, though, instead of going to the bank, Bobby and I had gone out to the batting cages and then come here to the Cave.

  “Hey, Ryan!” A group of girls walked by, pulling me out of my thoughts. I sort of recognized a couple of them—girls I’d known in high school and one or two from the summers when I’d come back from college. A couple of them were pretty cute, but I couldn’t get all that interested, even though one of them was practically licking my body with her eyes.

  I raised a hand and waved. With the other, I lifted the beer again and sucked down half of it in one gulp.

  The girls walked on.

  Bobby snorted. “Shit, that was a great move, Miller. Please teach me your secret way with the ladies.”

  “I’m not here for ladies, Bob.” For all our talk this morning, I just wasn’t interested in those girls. They seemed to belong to another life. One that I didn’t have anymore.

  “Well, I don’t swing that way. So sorry to disappoint you.”

  I took another gulp of my beer. “Look, you were right earlier about my needing to get out. And here I am. But I’m not really feeling like hooking up tonight.” I looked down at the bottle in my hand and picked at the corner of the label.

  Bobby nodded. “Cool.”

  Cool.

  That’s why Bobby was my best friend. Not just because we’d known each other forever, or even because he’d stuck by me through some of the hardest times in my life. But because he understood things like this.

  “Cool.” I clinked my bottle against Bobby’s and drained the rest of the beer.

  “Now I get it.” Bobby made a sound of disgust, but there was humor behind it. “You came here to get wasted and you’re using me to babysit your sorry ass.”

  “Pretty much.” I shrugged and stood. “I’m gonna go get another beer.”

  “Great, well, fuck you.” Bobby sighed. “And get me one, to
o.”

  Chapter 3

  Emery

  I had never been so exhausted in. My. Life.

  By the time I shuffled down the fluorescent-lit corridor to my room, it was nearly midnight, and every muscle in my body was screaming for rest.

  After he’d hired me that morning, Mr. Brake had introduced me to the Head of Housekeeping. Claudette was a pleasant-looking older woman who reminded me of my mother, which made me a little uncomfortable, given the way mom’s words hadn’t left me alone since the drive out here, but I got over it once the work started.

  I rolled my shoulders as I continued to trudge down that impossibly long hallway. A couple of bones in my neck popped, the sound seeming to bounce off the linoleum and echo back at me.

  Claudette had shown me to the locker room so that I could lock up my bags and change into a Stone Cliff maid’s uniform, because even though there was free lodging in the dorm-style building behind the lodge, the room I was assigned to was still being vacated by the maid I was replacing. Awkward.

  It’ll be ready by tonight. Claudette had assured me. We won’t make you clean your own room on the first day.

  At the time, I’d laughed, but now all I could do was whisper a prayer of thanks that someone else had taken care of it. I hefted my bag up on my shoulders and winced. How did people do this job every fucking day? I’d spent nearly ten hours shadowing another maid and had learned quickly that cleaning rooms wasn’t just cleaning. We had to restock, make sure things were organized and bagged up to go to the laundry, check all of our supplies for the next day, and report any thefts. I’d vacuumed twenty floors, cleaned twenty bathrooms, made almost fifty beds…