Fact. Fact. Bullsh*t!

by Neil Patrick Stewart

  Colorado-based Ventria Bioscience has genetically modified rice to contain proteins normally found in breast milk. The resultant rice boosts the immune system.

  Despite the urban legend stating the contrary, throwing uncooked rice at weddings is not dangerous to birds at all.

  Bullsh*t! The U.S.’s leading producer of rice is Arkansas, by a landslide, which produces more than 9 billion pounds of rice each year.

  California does take second place, although it’s far behind the Natural State, producing 4 billion pounds of rice each year.

  Third, fourth, and fifth place go to Louisiana, Mississippi, and Missouri, respectively. Texas is sixth, and Florida seventh, each producing less than a billion pounds a year each.

  Fact. Ventria’s rice contains the proteins lactoferrin and lysozyme, which are both found in human breast milk. (Lactoferrin also occurs naturally in cow’s milk, and lysozyme in egg whites.) Both proteins are active in fighting bacteria.

  The special rice is used in a hydrating solution for children in developing countries. The solution helps them stave off diarrhea and bacterial infection, problems that are easily treated with modern medicine, but nevertheless contribute to the deaths of millions of children each year.

  Fact. If I had a nickel for every time somebody informed me that instant rice absorbs the moisture inside a bird’s stomach, expands, and causes the bird to burst, I could buy a gumball or two.

  The myth has been popular for decades now, and many wedding parties opt to throw birdseed or blow bubbles instead. Birds are quite content to eat your uncooked rice, however, and begin to digest it long before it can swell to outrageous proportions.

  FRENCH FRIES!

  French fries got their start in seventeenth-century France. Initially twice-fried in expensive oil, pommes frites were the province of the wealthy elite for nearly a century before they began to gain popularity throughout the world.

  French fries are the single most popular fast food item in the United States. Nutrition experts estimate that ¼ of the vegetables consumed by children in the U.S. are in the form of either potato chips or French fries. In 2004, U.S. citizens put away 7.5 billion pounds of frozen French fries.

  When it was revealed in 1990 that McDonald’s used beef tallow in the preparation of its French fries, Hindu vegetarians in Bombay, India, ransacked a local store and smeared cow dung all over the statue of Ronald McDonald inside.

  Bullsh*t! “French” fries began in the Spanish Netherlands, now modern Belgium. Poor villagers in the Meuse valley were accustomed to frying fish to accompany their meals. In 1680, there was a shortage of fish, and villagers substituted thinly cut potatoes. The dish quickly caught on throughout Europe. The rest of the world–even the French–concede that French fries come from Belgium.

  To this day, fries are more popular in Belgium than anywhere else, even the United States!

  Fact. We are simply obsessed with our fried potatoes. French fries account for ¼ of an average child’s vegetable intake–and that percentage jumps to ¹∕³ once those children become teenagers. Of the 7.5 billion pounds of frozen French fries we consumed in 2004, 90 percent were sold by fast food outlets.

  Fact. Word initially spread in 1989 that McDonald’s was using beef tallow in the preparation of its fries, which distressed many vegetarians. In 1990, the company proudly announced that it had switched to vegetable oil, but it was later disclosed that beef tallow was still included in the flavorings. The resultant uproar led to the Indian case of vandalism. McDonald’s denied that beef tallow was used in fry preparation in India.

  Some Americans sued McDonald’s for falsely claiming that the fries were vegetarian. McDonald’s settled out of court, posting an apology on its website and paying $10 million to vegetarian groups and to the twelve individuals involved in the suit.

  Still, McDonald’s denied ever claiming that the fries were vegetarian.

  MARSHMALLOWS!

  Marshmallow sweets date back to ancient Egypt, where the sap of the marsh mallow plant was combined with honey and nuts to make a luxury confection. In medieval Europe, marshmallow sap was used as a cure for a sore throat.

  When modern marshmallows were invented in France, extract from the Althaea officinalis plant was whipped up to create the gooey treat. Today, none of the major United States marshmallow makers use the plant at all to make marshmallows.

  When high school senior Brittany Garcia walked away with only minor injuries after being hit by a car in October 2010, doctors proclaimed that marshmallows might have saved her life. The Halloween bunny costume she wore that day was made of thousands of the little white treats.

  Fact. Those Egyptians had it right. Time to convince your history professor that you need to re-create the practice. You know, for your studies.

  And who are we to say that marshmallows don’t cure a sore throat? I’m saving a bag for the next time I get the flu.

  Fact. Marshmallows get their name from the marsh mallow (scientific name Althaea officinalis), a pink-flowered plant that, naturally, grows in marshes. There are other kinds of mallow, including musk mallow, tree mallow, and Indian mallow. Marshmallow sap is sweet.

  Big-brand marshmallows in stores are made from primarily corn syrup, starch, sugar, water, and, in place of marshmallow extract, gelatin. I propose we change the official name to Corny Gelatin Sugar Bombs.

  It’s likely that you (and I) have never tasted real marshmallow.

  Bullsh*t! That’s ridiculous. Who makes a bunny costume out of marshmallows?

  In reality, marshmallows kill. At least two people have died playing the game Chubby Bunny, which involves stuffing your mouth with as many marshmallows as possible, including a twelve-year-old girl who suffocated to death while playing the game at a school fair.

  BEER!

  Beer is mostly water. Because of this, the type of water used in the beer-making process has a significant effect on the taste of the beer. Dublin’s hard water is most suitable for stouts, while Pilsen’s soft water is best for pale lagers.

  According to annual Gallup polls, about 78 percent of U.S. adults “have occasion to use alcoholic beverages.” When it comes to beverage of choice, it has been nearly a dead heat between wine and beer since the mid-1940s, with wine slightly edging ahead of beer each year. Beer took the lead only once, in 2005.

  A program was launched in Belgium in 2001 to replace sugary drinks and soda in school lunchrooms with a healthier option: beer. Students had the option between lager and bitter, and 80 percent of the children in the pilot programs said they enjoyed having beer with lunch.

  Fact. Typical ingredients of beer are water (mostly), a fermented starch, yeast, and a flavoring, such as hops.

  The mineral content of the water used does have an effect on the taste of the beer. Hard water, high in minerals such as calcium and sulfate, enhances bitterness. Soft water, free of most minerals, has a cleaner taste.

  This is likely why Guinness brewed in Dublin tastes different from Guinness brewed in London.

  Bullsh*t! Actually, the reverse is true when it comes to alcoholic beverage preference. Beer has maintained the lead each year, with wine nipping at its heels. The exception is 2005, when wine took the top honors by three percentage points. Hard liquor is fairly distant in third place.

  We’re also a little dryer than stated: Gallup reports that only 64 percent of U.S. adults drink alcohol occasionally, and it has been that way since the mid-1940s, with a brief increase during the 1970s (up to 71 percent).

  Fact. Rony Langenaeken, the chairman of De Limburgse Biervrienden, the beer club behind the plan, was quoted as saying: “Beer is for the whole family.” The program was drawn out for students ages three to fifteen.

  A special beer was used for the pilot programs, called tafelbier, which contained no more than 2.5 percent alcohol.

  SLICED BREAD!

  The first loaf-at-a-time bread-slicing machine was invented in 1888 in Schenectady, New York, by a machinist named Cornell Woolridge
. Packaging and selling sliced bread would not become a popular nationwide practice until 1937, however, and Woolridge never made a single penny from his invention.

  A bakery in Chillicothe, Missouri, was the first to sell presliced bread. They called it Kleen Maid Bread and marketed as “the greatest forward step in the baking industry since bread was wrapped.” From this, the phrase “the greatest thing since sliced bread” is thought to have originated.

  Selling sliced bread was banned by the U.S. government in 1943 at the height of World War II. The order was given by Claude R. Wickard, the secretary of agriculture at the time. The ban was supposed to help conserve wax paper (which was needed to keep sliced bread fresh) and to bring the cost of bread down.

  Bullsh*t! The first loaf-at-a-time bread-slicing machine was invented in 1928 by a jeweler named Otto Rohwedder of Davenport, Iowa. It was an immediate hit. In 1930, the Continental Baking Company introduced presliced Wonder Bread, using machines that were improved versions of Rohwedder’s design. Rohwedder sold the machines for two decades before retiring.

  Fact. The Chillicothe Baking Company bought Rohwedder’s first automatic bread-slicer in 1928 and put it to work. On July 7, 1928, a prophetic columnist wrote in the Chillicothe Constitution-Tribune: “So neat and precise are the slices … that one realizes instantly that here is a refinement that will receive a hearty and permanent welcome.”

  Fact. It turns out that most major bakeries had huge stores of wax paper already, and the ban did not decrease the price of bread. Most importantly, the ban was hugely unpopular. A letter from a frustrated homemaker appeared in the New York Times on January 26, 1943:

  “I should like to let you know how important sliced bread is to the morale and saneness of a household. My husband and four children are all in a rush during and after breakfast. Without ready-sliced bread I must do the slicing for toast–two pieces for each one–that’s ten. For their lunches I must cut by hand at least twenty slices, for two sandwiches apiece. Afterward I make my own toast. Twenty-two slices of bread to be cut in a hurry!”

  The ban was lifted on March 8, 1943, less than two months after it was introduced.

  HIGH-FRUCTOSE

  CORN SYRUP!

  High-fructose corn syrup is made by soaking and fermenting corn kernels to extract cornstarch, then using enzymes to turn the glucose in the starch into fructose. It is a primary sweetener in American processed foods because it is cheaper than sugar. Many studies have suggested that high-fructose corn syrup is more harmful to the body than cane sugar.

  The average U.S. citizen consumes more than 40 pounds of high-fructose corn syrup each year, and well over a hundred pounds of sweeteners in general (including sugar).

  In a 2011 study at Wesleyan University, trace amounts of toxic chemicals were found in samples of the high-fructose corn syrup used by major American food companies, including ammonia, formaldehyde, and acetone.

  Fact. Corn syrup is cheaper in the United States thanks to long-running heavy government subsidies on corn. Add to that a stiff import tax on sugar, and it’s no wonder why major food companies sweeten with syrup. The stuff also stores better, doesn’t mask flavors like regular sugar, has a lower freezing point, and retains moisture well.

  There is still plenty of controversy as to whether there is a significant nutritional difference between table sugar (made from sugar cane or sugar beets and primarily sucrose) and high-fructose corn syrup, but many studies suggest that it contributes to the obesity epidemic.

  Fact. The United States Department of Agriculture’s Economic Research Service calculates the per capita availability of sweeteners in the U.S. by year. The numbers can’t tell us exactly how much high-fructose corn syrup each person consumes, but they do reflect the buying habits of the consumer.

  Since 1985, the per capita availability has been well over 40 pounds. We may be consuming as much as 50 pounds per year of the gooey stuff, and 130 pounds of sugar. And remember, that’s on average, meaning there’s a hefty squad of people out there who are consuming more.

  Bullsh*t! High-fructose corn syrup may be bad for you, but it’s not that bad. You can find those chemicals, however, in cigarettes and cigarette smoke, along with cyanide and carbon monoxide.

  It is true, however, that high-fructose corn syrup is sometimes made with hydrochloric acid.

  BACON!

  The bacon we typically eat in the United States is back meat from a pig that has been smoked and cured. The word “bacon” comes from the Latin bacca, which means, appropriately, “back.”

  In 2009, chefs and students at Lock Haven University used 225 pounds of bacon to construct a 203-foot-long BLT sandwich.

  The American company J&D’s offers bacon-flavored envelopes. The delicious mailers have bacon flavoring in the glue, so that you can taste bacon every time you send a letter. The products are marketed under the name Mmmvelopes.

  Bullsh*t! Pork loin and fatback, both from the back of the pig, are popular kinds of bacon in other countries. The bacon most Americans eat comes from the underside of the pig, or pork belly. In fact, the USDA defines bacon as the “cured belly of a swine carcass.” Mmmmmmm.

  Bacon is cured but not necessarily smoked before we buy it. Smoking it is just one of many glorious options we enjoy when it comes to bacon preparation.

  The word bacon actually comes from the Old High German bahho, which meant either “bacon” or “buttock.” Since their bacon likely came from the back and buttocks of the pig, it probably meant both! Bacca is a kind of fruit.

  Fact. The mighty sandwich, which also featured 200 pounds of tomatoes and 165 pounds of lettuce, was undertaken to beat the previous world record of 179 feet. Lock Haven students did not waste time admiring their creation: The massive BLT was consumed immediately.

  Fact. J&D’s company slogan is “Everything Should Taste Like Bacon.”

  J&D’s is also popular for its Bacon Salt and its bacon-flavored mayonnaise, Baconnaise.

  PEPPER!

  The black pepper on the tables of your neighborhood restaurant is the ground, dried fruit of the Piper nigrum plant, which is a perennial flowering woody vine. The plant is native to India, but the world’s largest cultivator of Piper nigrum is Vietnam.

  Although it is now one of the most common spices in the world, black pepper was once so valuable that it was used as currency.

  The Egyptian pharaoh Ramesses II used black pepper as a means of torture: On his orders, victims had their orifices stuffed with hundreds of little black peppercorns.

  Fact. Piper nigrum is indeed the scientific name of the black pepper plant. Peppercorns are, scientifically, fruits.

  Black pepper is a perennial flowering woody vine because it lives for longer than two years, it produces flowers, its stems are made of wood, and it is a climbing plant.

  Piper nigrum is native to India, but it is a major crop in Vietnam, which produces a third of the world’s black pepper.

  Fact. Throughout most of history, the vast majority of black pepper came from India. The spice was in great demand, and those who could control the spice trade gained a huge economic advantage.

  Pepper was highly coveted in ancient Greece and Rome, and in medieval Europe it was sometimes used as collateral or currency. The Dutch word peperduur, meaning “expensive as pepper,” is still in use today.

  Desire for an overseas black pepper trade route to India was a major motivation for the Portuguese to conduct their major exploratory sea voyages, which spawned the Age of Discovery.

  Bullsh*t! That’s ridiculous. It’s supremely unlikely that Ramesses II ever ordered someone stuffed with black pepper.

  However, the mummy of Ramesses II was discovered with black peppercorns in its abdomen, and peppercorns packed inside its nose. Egyptologists have been baffled by this, since it is not common. One benefit Ramesses II enjoys because of his pepper-lined nose is a decent profile: Most mummies have flattened noses thanks to the wrapping process, but Ramesses II still has a distinct, hook-shaped
nose.

  WATERMELON!

  The watermelon is the official state fruit of Oklahoma. Scientifically speaking, the watermelon is also a kind of nut.

  The National Watermelon Association annually crowns a Watermelon Queen. The queen is selected in a pageant “with focus on speech and interview” skills.

  An old Romani legend from the Balkans maintained that a watermelon left alone for too long could turn into a vampire. Vampire watermelons were thought to growl, roll around, and thirst for blood.

  Bullsh*t! In 2007, Oklahoma named the watermelon its official state vegetable. The watermelon is definitely a fruit, not a vegetable, though it is in the family Cucurbitaceae, which includes squash, pumpkin, and zucchini, all of which, scientifically, are fruits. Why does Oklahoma call the watermelon a vegetable? They already had a state fruit–the strawberry.

  Watermelons are not nuts at all. But they are, technically, berries. A berry is a fleshy fruit derived from a single ovary. Watermelons are also pepos, which are berries with hard rinds.

  Fact. The lucky lady is crowned each year at the National Watermelon Association Convention.

  Fact. It is an actual, documented legend, although there is some debate as to whether this was a serious belief or a funny story passed down through generations in the style of fairy tales.

  Tatomir P. Vukanović, a Balkan historian, wrote about the legend in an article for the Journal of the Gypsy Lore Society: “Vampires of ground fruit origin are believed to have the same shape and appearance as the original plant…. [They] go round the houses, stables, and rooms at night, all by themselves, and do harm to people. But it is thought that they cannot do great damage to folk, so people are not very afraid of this kind of vampire.”