Fact. Fact. Bullsh*t!

by Neil Patrick Stewart

  Next time you have a slice of watermelon, consider yourself a hero for preventing a vampire attack.

  CHEESE!

  Our seventh president, Andrew Jackson, was known for throwing White House parties that were open to the public. At his last party, President Jackson served a 3-foot-high, 4-foot-diameter, 1,400-pound wheel of cheddar, which was consumed by guests in two hours.

  Velveeta, Easy Cheese (in a spray can), and the square American Kraft Singles are not cheeses, and contain no real cheese at all. All three are made of soy protein concentrate.

  A study by the British Cheese Board concluded that eating a piece of cheese before sleep produced vivid dreams. The results indicated that different types of cheese produce different types of dreams.

  Fact. The enormous wheel of cheese was a gift, and Jackson reportedly let it age for two years in the White House lobby. He offered it to guests during his last party, and they consumed it immediately, which, if you ask me, was their patriotic duty.

  Historians note that the lobby was left with numerous cheese stains, and that it smelled like cheese for weeks.

  Bullsh*t! Velveeta, Easy Cheese, and American Kraft Singles are all made with real cheese, but Kraft, which makes all three products, cannot legally call them cheese because of rules dictated by the Food and Drug Administration. In truth, they are processed cheese, which is cheese that has various ingredients added, such as emulsifiers, whey, unfermented milk products (like cream), salt, and food coloring.

  That fancy herbed Brie you find at the store has ingredients added (little green herb flecks), but the FDA doesn’t require it to be labeled “pasteurized prepared cheese product.”

  Sounds like a double standard to me!

  Fact. Wacky but true. The British Cheese Board’s goal for the study was to determine whether eating cheese before bed leads to nightmares, as a popular myth claims.

  The study’s volunteers reported few nightmares, but most reported vivid dreams. Researchers noticed a link between types of dreams and the type of cheese consumed.

  Volunteers who ate cheddar seemed to dream about celebrities, while those who consumed Red Leicester had nostalgic dreams. Volunteers who sampled Lancashire dreamed about work, while those who ate blue cheese reported very vivid, bizarre dreams.

  THE SANDWICH!

  The Sandwich Islands, an equatorial volcanic archipelago in the Pacific 500 miles west of Ecuador, were named by British explorer Edward Teach after his patron, John Capulet, the forty-seventh Earl of Sandwich. The sandwich was invented by Capulet.

  In 2006 a Massachusetts state senator, Jarrett Barrios, threatened legislation to restrict schools from serving Fluffernutter sandwiches more than once a week to children. The measure caused a major uproar from his constituents and even other politicians, including a state representative, Kathi-Anne Reinstein, who promised to file legislation that would make the Fluffernutter the official sandwich of Massachusetts.

  According to a court ruling in Boston, a sandwich must include “at least two slices of bread.” The court ruling went on to state that burritos, quesadillas, and tacos are therefore not sandwiches.

  Bullsh*t! The islands 500 miles west of Ecuador are not the Sandwich Islands–they are called the Galápagos Islands. The “Sandwich Islands” was the first name given to a different Pacific archipelago–which we know as Hawaii. The explorer James Cook (not Edward Teach, who was the pirate Blackbeard) named the Hawaiian Islands the Sandwich Islands after John Montague, the fourth Earl of Sandwich. Montague, an industrious man, used to insist on his lunch arriving between two pieces of bread so that he could continue to work.

  It is said that others would order their meat “the same as Sandwich!” and the term was born.

  Fact. In case you’ve been living under a rock, a Fluffernutter is a white-bread sandwich with a layer of peanut butter and a layer of marshmallow cream.

  Senator Barrios was understandably reacting to the low nutritional value of the sandwich his son Nathaniel had been given at school, but he failed to properly assess the public opinion in Massachusetts of the decadent treat. (Marshmallow Fluff was invented in Somerville, Massachusetts.)

  In response to the furor, Barrios abandoned his mission, and Representative Reinstein retracted hers as well.

  Fact. The court made the ruling after Panera Bread filed a complaint that its no-compete clause in a shopping center was violated by the introduction of a Qdoba Mexican Grill. Since Panera produces sandwiches, and Qdoba produces burritos, the court found that there was, in fact, no competition going on.

  TEQUILA!

  A bottle of tequila sold in 1996 for $225,000, earning it the Guinness World Record for most expensive bottle of spirits ever sold. The same company is eager to break its own record, and in 2010 unveiled a bottle of tequila on sale for $3.5 million.

  When mescal and tequila were first produced in Mexico, it was traditional for the bottle to have a worm at the bottom, which was (ick!) seen as a seal of quality. Nowadays, export bottles rarely have worms in them because of negative public perception, but the worms are still very much present in true Mexican tequila.

  Tequila is not just a drink–it’s a scientific marvel. Physicists from the National Autonomous University of Mexico recently discovered how to make diamonds out of tequila.

  Fact. Distiller Hacienda la Capilla produced the 1996 bottle which was designed by Mexican artist Alejandro Gomez Oropeza, filled with Pasión Azteca tequila, and made from solid platinum and white gold.

  The newest bottle, going for $3.5 million, is made of ceramic with a 5-pound layer of platinum and more than 4,000 diamonds totaling 328 carats.

  Bullsh*t! It was never traditional to put a worm in a bottle of tequila or mescal. The idea to put worms in bottles of mescal was drummed up by United States marketers in the 1940s. If you find a worm in your tequila, throw it away: The Mexican Standards Authority forbids the practice of putting any invertebrate life forms into bottles of tequila.

  It is true that the worm in question (actually the larval form of the Hypopta agavis moth, and not a worm at all but a caterpillar) feeds on the agave plant and is considered a delicacy in parts of Mexico.

  Fact. Amazingly, tequila has the precise proportion of carbon, hydrogen, and oxygen atoms necessary to create diamonds.

  The scientists heat eighty-proof tequila to over 1,400 degrees Fahrenheit, which results in a very fine film of synthetic diamond. The resulting diamond crystals are far too thin to use for jewelry, but they are extremely hard and quite heat-resistant and are hoped to have a variety of industrial applications.

  JELL-O!

  When Jell-O first got its name, only four flavors were available: orange, lemon, strawberry, and raspberry. At one time or other in its history, Jell-O offered cola, celery, seasoned tomato, mixed vegetable, and Italian flavors.

  On June 17, 1971, President Nixon declared Jell-O to be the official dessert of the United States of America in a press conference and photo op with Jell-O makers. He praised the gelatin treat for being “100 percent American.”

  Jell-O is primarily made of gelatin. Gelatin comes from the boiled bones, skins, and tendons of animals. Because gelatin is so extensively processed, the FDA does not require gelatin-based foods to be listed as animal-based.

  Fact. Celery Jell-O??? Gross, but true. In the mid-twentieth century, gelatin-based salads were very popular at the American dinner table. Originally, the makers of Jell-O suggested that cooks use lime-flavored Jell-O for that purpose, but as the popularity of wriggling salads grew, the company decided to introduce savory flavors. Celery, tomato, vegetable, and Italian salad Jell-O did not last very long.

  Cola Jello-O was introduced in 1942 and lasted only a year.

  Bullsh*t! There’s not a shred of truth to that. June 17, 1971, is the day Nixon declared the War on Drugs.

  In 2001, however, Jell-O was made the official state snack of Utah.

  Fact. Gelatin is hydrolyzed collagen, which is extracted from animal bones, sk
ins, and tendons. Collagen helps to give bones, skin, and joints their elasticity, which is precisely the property that causes the food to gel together.

  Jell-O is hush-hush about where its gelatin comes from. Technically, it is possible to produce a synthetic version of gelatin, but this author is pretty sure he’s enjoying cherry-flavored boiled animal tendons on a regular basis.

  CHOCOLATE!

  In 1943, the U.S. Army approached Hershey to make a chocolate bar ration for soldiers in World War II. By the end of the war, Hershey had produced over 380 million 2-ounce Tropical Chocolate Bars, which were designed to withstand temperatures of up to 120 degrees Fahrenheit without melting.

  Chocolate is lethally poisonous to cats. We humans can enjoy chocolate to our hearts’ content, but we’d better keep it far away from our pets. It can give a nasty stomachache to dogs, but it is particularly dangerous to our feline friends due to their smaller body size and the fact that a cat tongue has five times as many sweetness receptors as a dog’s.

  Chocolate comes from the seeds of the cacao tree, an evergreen tree native to tropical parts of the Americas. The cacao tree comes from the genus Theobroma, which means “food of the gods.”

  Fact. The chocolate bars remained exceptionally hard in extremely hot conditions, and were available to soldiers in the Korean War and the Vietnam conflict as well, as part of their sundries kits.

  Some veterans hasten to point out, however, that while the chocolate bar did not melt in your pocket, it did not readily melt in your mouth either, and that the taste suffered.

  The Tropical Chocolate Bar also went to the moon–on board the Apollo 15 mission in 1971.

  Bullsh*t! Chocolate is not particularly dangerous for cats. It is highly toxic to them, but they are simply not interested in it. Why? Cats cannot perceive sweetness at all.

  Dogs are at a high risk for chocolate poisoning. A large dog would feel the effects after eating a bar of chocolate, and could die after eating several.

  Chocolate is poisonous to humans, too. You would have to consume many pounds of chocolate to feel the effects, but people still manage to poison themselves with it on a regular basis.

  The toxic culprit is the alkaloid theobromine, which is particularly present in dark chocolate and baker’s chocolate.

  Fact. The evergreen cacao tree (Theobroma cacao) is native to tropical regions of the Americas, particularly Central America.

  The tree produces large fruit pods, which are full of cocoa beans, also known as seeds.

  Theobroma comes from the Greek theos, meaning “god,” and the Greek bromos, which means “food,” and more specifically, “oats.”

  Technically, I suppose, you could say chocolate is the “oat of the gods.”

  THE HOT DOG!

  According to the American Hot Dog Society, about 2 billion hot dogs are consumed in the U.S. each year.

  The name “hot dog” has its roots in the nineteenth century, when many street sausage vendors were believed to actually serve dog meat. By 1843, newspaper editors were referring to “dog-meat sausages” and “dog sandwiches.”

  “Hot Dog” was the name of a Saturday-morning children’s documentary show starring Jonathan Winters, Jo Anne Worley, and Woody Allen. One introduction to the show included Woody Allen looking into the camera and saying, “Hot Dog. A program about stuff.”

  Bullsh*t! As far as we know, there is no American Hot Dog Society–yet. But the president of the venerated National Hot Dog & Sausage Council, Janet Riley, asserts that we eat 20 billion hot dogs in this country each year.

  That’s nearly enough hot dogs to go to the moon and back four times.

  Fact. Whether the crafty street vendors actually served dog or not is something, I believe, best left to the shrouded mists of history. The dog-meat rumor, however, persisted throughout most of the nineteenth century.

  In the mid-1890s, it seems the slang “hot dog” was in regular use on college campuses. By 1896, both Yale and Harvard had multiple references to hot dogs in their publications, including humorous allusions to the rumor of the sausages’ dubious canine provenance.

  Fact. Hot Dog only aired for one season on NBC, from 1970 to 1971, and was later syndicated in reruns, also for one year, from 1977 to 1978.

  The pilot episode featured Allen, Worley, and Tom Smothers (of the Smothers Brothers). Winters replaced Smothers when the show was picked up. Each show was dedicated to answering kids’ questions about everyday objects. Most of the music for the show was recorded by the Youngbloods.

  Hot Dog was the only TV series in which Woody Allen appeared regularly.

  THE ICE CREAM SUNDAE!

  Five American cities claim to be the birthplace of the ice cream sundae: Ithaca, New York; Evanston, Illinois; Cleveland, Ohio; Buffalo, New York; and Two Rivers, Wisconsin. In its early days the sundae was spelled multiple ways, including “sunday,” “sondie,” “sundi,” “sundhi,” and “sundaye.”

  Despite its American origin, South Koreans are huge fans of the ice cream sundae, which is a popular street food throughout the country. The Korean version is even sweeter and richer than the original.

  New York City’s Serendipity 3 restaurant features a $1,000 sundae on its menu.

  Fact. Each of the five cities has evidence for its claim, but none has conclusive proof. Maybe the ice cream sundae was such a good idea that it was invented in five places at once.

  My favorite origin story is Evanston’s: In the late nineteenth century, religious leaders enacted a law outlawing the sale of ice cream sodas on Sundays. (We all know what ice cream sodas can lead to.) The story goes that drug store owners started serving ice cream with syrup instead of soda, and thus obeyed the letter of the law, if not the spirit. The confection became known as the Sunday, and later the appellation “sundae,” so as not to further enrage the devout.

  In the end, nobody is sure who actually invented the sundae (or why we don’t still spell it “sundhi”), but I sure am glad they did!

  Bullsh*t! Koreans do love sundae very much, and it is a popular street food in South Korea. But Korean sundae is nothing like the ice cream sundae. Sundae is made by stuffing intestines with noodles and pig’s blood.

  Yum! Can I have hot fudge on mine?

  Fact. Serendipity 3 does offer a $1,000 Golden Opulence Sundae, which is covered with edible 23-karat gold leaf, Amedei Porcelana chocolate, and rare candies. It’s served in a crystal goblet, with a side of passion-fruit-infused Golden caviar.

  According to the owners, Serendipity 3 sells an average of one Golden Opulence Sundae per month.

  THE APPLE!

  Nearly every kind of apple we eat today is descended from one species, Malus sieversii, a wild apple that still grows in the Ili Valley of Kazakhstan. The wild apples of Malus sieversii are some of the largest apples available today, and the plant is especially hardy, but it is nevertheless threatened by extinction.

  The Granny Smith apple is named after Maria Ann Smith, a nineteenth-century farmer. She produced the apple in her Australia orchard by accident.

  In the Book of Genesis, the serpent tempts Eve with an apple, the forbidden fruit from the Tree of Knowledge. The Norse goddess Sjöfn was said to have been poisoned by an apple and cursed to eternally roam the underworld, giving apples to the dead. The Greek god Dionysus was often associated with apples, and commonly depicted as eating or holding an apple.

  Fact. Malus sieversii apples are big and colorful, and the tree is capable of growing and producing fruit in harsher conditions than most domestic varieties. It still grows wild in the Ili Valley in Kazakhstan (which stretches into border regions of China), but scientists and cultivators have begun to plant and study the wild apple in hopes of gaining insight into growing and breeding better apples. The apple you had for lunch is Malus domestica.

  Fact. “Granny” Smith cultivated many kinds of apples, and the Granny Smith variety emerged quite accidentally as a hybrid of two different species. The apples became popular locally, winning competiti
ons, and neighboring orchards began to acquire the seedlings and produce Granny Smiths themselves.

  Today, there are more than 7,500 cultivars of apple, of which Granny Smith is only one.

  Bullsh*t! The serpent does tempt Eve with a forbidden fruit in the Book of Genesis, but nowhere is it identified as an apple. In fact, numerous religious scholars have suggested other fruits as much more likely, such as the grape, fig, tamarind, or pomegranate. The apple does often appear in Western artistic depictions of the story; one theory is that the choice originated as a pun, because the Latin word for apple is identical to the word for evil (malum).

  The Norse goddess Sjöfn was associated with love, whereas IÐunn was the goddess of apples and youth. Apples were associated with fertility and youthfulness.

  Dionysus, the Greek god of the harvest, wine, and ecstasy, was commonly depicted with grapes.

  THE FORTUNE COOKIE!

  Fortune cookies are not Chinese in origin at all. Amazingly, fortune cookies are from Japan. They stem from the tradition of omikuji, which are fortunes written on little slips of paper and given out at Shinto shrines and Buddhist temples.

  In March 2005, 110 people earned the second prize in a Powerball lottery drawing, inciting panic at the Lottery Association that there was cheating going on. (Statistically, there should have only been around five second-place winners.) It turns out that nearly all the winners got the numbers they played from the same place: a fortune cookie.