Blind Faith

by Kimberley Reeves

“I can do this,” he murmured as he crawled into bed. He had to do this, and he would…one day at a time.

  Chapter 3

  After Will had gone, Serena retrieved the bedding she’d kicked off in her sleep and remade the bed then slipped beneath the covers. She was emotionally drained but in a good way, like when she sat down and had a good cry after one of her dark episodes. It was a cleansing of sorts and she always felt better afterwards, as if she had purged herself of some invisible force that kept nudging her towards a complete melt down.

  But when morning rolled around and she had time to reflect on the things she’d divulged to Will, Serena began to doubt the wisdom of exposing so much of herself to him. The last thing she wanted was for Will to feel sorry for her, or worse, start treating her like an emotional cripple. It was bad enough when her own family did it; carefully avoiding subjects that might trigger memories of that night, always trying to be bright and cheerful to keep her from worrying about them, and praising her for being able to do things that were far from extraordinary even for a blind person. Managing to get food onto a fork and into her mouth without slopping it down the front of her blouse was hardly a skill that required her sight. The way the members of her family carried on about such trivial accomplishments, Serena was surprised they hadn’t presented her with a medal.

  Oh, she knew she sounded like an ungrateful wretch, and even while their behavior irritated her at times, she loved them all the more for it. It’s just that she wanted to them to treat her like they treated each other, to be included in the ups as well as the downs in their lives, and even to get in an argument now and then like normal siblings did. But that would never happen, of course, because she wasn’t normal, was she?

  Serena was special, different from her brothers and sister because of the emotional scars that had been inflicted, different because of the dark world she now lived in. What they didn’t understand was that coddling her and keeping her wrapped in a protective bubble only made her more vulnerable and uncertain about stepping out into the real world. By letting her withdraw from other people and not forcing, or at least encouraging her to venture outside the house and the security of her family, they had allowed her to wallow in her own fear and self-loathing for years.

  It was her aunt Rose that finally broke the cycle and sparked some life back into her. “We need to have a talk, kiddo,” Rose told her one day when she’d stopped by to take Serena to lunch.

  “Sounds serious.”

  “It is.” Rose paused until the waiter set their plates in front of them. “Linguine at twelve o’clock, vegies at twelve thirty, bread at forty-five.”

  Serena grinned. “Nothing at twelve fifteen?”

  “Yeah,” Rose eyed Serena’s plate, “a sprig of something green that looks decidedly uneatable.”

  “So what did you want to talk to me about?”

  “The cocoon you’re living in and how we are going to pry you out of it.”

  “Wh-what?”

  “You heard me,” Rose’s voice was firm. “It’s called tough love and you’re about to get a healthy dose of it so listen up. You were always shy, I’ll give you that, but who wouldn’t be with a stage hog like McKinley for a sister? And don’t bother defending her,” she cut Serena off before she’d even opened her mouth, “I love McKinley to death but she’s a hedonistic drama queen who thinks her looks will carry her through life. You have a heart, Serena; you just need to remember how to use it.”

  “That’s not fair,” Serena sulked as she twirled her fork in the linguine noodles. “You know I can’t…that relating to other people is difficult ever since…it happened. And in case you haven’t noticed, I’m blind so it’s not as if I can go out and meet new people whenever I want to.” She swallowed hard, hating how feeble the excuses sounded even to her own ears. “Besides, I’m happy with my life just the way it is.”

  “Are you? Because I’m not blind, kiddo, and I don’t see a happy person when I look at you. What I see is that same lost little girl you were seven years ago. And if you’re still stumbling around in the dark, it’s not because you can’t see the world around you, it’s because you won’t even acknowledge that there is a world around you.”

  “Of course I acknowledge it,” Serena snapped. “I’m a teacher. I go out in it every day.”

  Rose’s tone was just as sharp as hers had been. “And just what are you teaching your students, Serena?”

  “What is that supposed to mean?”

  “It means, are you teaching them that they are handicapped? Because they are, or they will be by the time the school year ends if they continue learning from you. Serena…you are the example they are being given as to the quality of life a blind person can have, and it’s not enough to pass off what you’ve accomplished in your career as the brass ring.”

  “I’m proud of myself for getting through college and becoming a teacher,” Serena replied stiffly. “My students like me, they listen to me…”

  “That’s right, they listen to you because they adore you, but what are you telling them? You told me that being blind has sharpened your other senses, that you can hear things sighted people filter out. Don’t you think your students can hear the sadness and defeat in your voice? You think they can’t tell that your attitude towards life stinks to high Heaven when they hear you shuffling across the floor instead of walking like you have a purpose?”

  Serena wished she could deny it, but there was too much truth in what Rose said. “I…I never thought about it before.”

  “Damn right you haven’t, but your sweet Aunt Rose is going to make sure you think about it a lot from now on. The first thing we have to do is move you out of that daycare center you live in so you can take care of yourself and start acting like a responsible adult.”

  “Rose…”

  “I have a rental house that would be perfect for you. I would have to make a few modifications, but the floor plan is simple and you would have it aced in no time.”

  “Rose, I really…”

  “Think about it, Serena. You would have room to breathe, to do as you pleased without Leslie hovering over you all the time. I know how much you love to cook; wouldn’t it be nice to make your own meals without someone charging in and taking over because it’s unsafe for you to do it? You would learn how to rely on yourself, and I’m not talking about cooking or doing laundry. I’m talking about taking control of your own life, about climbing out of that grave you’ve dug for yourself before it’s too late. I want to hear you laugh again, Serena, to see you smile, really smile, with your whole heart in it.”

  “How do I do that? I’m scared,” Serena admitted through a mist of tears.

  “I know you are, honey, but you have to fight it with everything you’ve got. Happiness isn’t something anyone can give you; it’s something you have to find for yourself. It’s inside of you, in your heart and your mind, and if you don’t let it out of that cold, dark place you’ve banished it to…” Rose’s voice hitched. She stopped for a moment, drawing in a deep breath to steady herself before continuing. “I love you, kiddo, but I can’t just stand by and watch the life being drained out of you by an overindulgent family who thinks the only way to keep you safe is to shelter you from your own feelings.”

  In her heart, Serena knew her aunt was right, but that did very little too alleviate the mounting anxiety when she considered what living on her own entailed. Was she ready to let go of the security her family offered? Her stomach churned and her throat was suddenly so constricted she had trouble swallowing the piece of bread she’d been chewing on. The inane thought flitted through her head that this must be what a baby bird feels like right before its mother pushes it out of the nest and sends it plunging over the side. Except Leslie Cross wasn’t pushing her daughter out of the nest and she never would, and neither would her father or siblings.

  “I want to fly,” she whispered.

  “You want to…did you say you want to fly?”

  “Yes," she said with
a determined lift of her chin. "I want to spread my wings and fly.”

  “Well it’s about damn time,” Rose said, her own laughter sobering a few short seconds later. “Ooooh, your mother is going to kill me when she finds out I’ve convinced you to move out.”

  Serena finished getting dressed, the memory of Rose’s defiant confession to her parents a few days later vividly imprinted in her mind. Her mother had been furious, her father more worried than angry, but Rose stood her ground. It was Rose’s dogged determination to save her niece from being smothered by her parents’ love that gave Serena the strength to stick to her decision, and a few weeks later she moved out.

  Now she was in danger of letting herself slip back into the role of a timid little mouse by confiding in Will about her nightmares and dredging up memories that were best forgotten. She had come too far to let that happen and it was up to her to safeguard the confidence she’d spent the past six months building up. Opening up old wounds would be counterproductive, and letting Will see just how ugly those wounds were would only encourage his pity, and that was something she simply couldn’t bear.

  ***

  Will noticed it right away. Whatever bond they’d shared the night before had vanished with the morning sun and it hit him like a physical blow. He’d been so sure things would be different between them. He’d swallowed his pride for her, told her that embarrassing story about Melinda Sue because he knew it would make her laugh, and now Serena was behaving as if they were practically strangers.

  Oh, she was pleasant enough when she joined him in the kitchen for breakfast, but it seemed forced, guarded, as if she had drawn a boundary line in their relationship that she’d forbidden herself to cross. Even Rufus seemed a little leery of him, which only reinforced his belief Serena was stressing about something. The dog was extremely sensitive to her moods and it hadn’t taken Will long to realize he could pick up more about what Serena was feeling from Rufus than he could from her.

  “I’m not much of a cook,” he said as he cleared away his breakfast dishes, “but if you’re feeling brave, I think I can manage to grill a few steaks for dinner tonight.”

  “It’s very nice of you to offer but I…uh…I’m meeting a friend for dinner so I’m afraid you’re on your own tonight.”

  “Oh. Tomorrow then. I’ll even stop at the store and get the makings for a salad.”

  “I’m sorry, Will, tomorrow is out too. I promised my parents I would have dinner with them.” She rose from the table and carried her coffee cup and plate to the sink. “Actually, I’ll probably spend the day over there so you’ll have the house to yourself.”

  Will finished drying the cup he’d used and put it in the cupboard then propped himself against the counter, studying the faint lines of tension on Serena’s face. He wasn’t fooled for a minute, but if she wanted to pretend they hadn’t shared something special last night there wasn’t much he could do. Still, he couldn’t let Serena retreat to that solitary place she’d kept herself in for the past seven years or they would be back to square one. He waited until she finished cleaning her dishes and had gone to stand by the backdoor while Rufus did his business before moving away from the counter to stand a few feet behind her.

  “So, who’s your friend?”

  “My friend?”

  “The one you’re going to dinner with tonight,” Will reminded her.

  Serena’s shoulder’s visibly stiffened. “Oh…she works at the school with me. I don’t think you know her,” she added hastily.

  “I might. I did grow up in this town, you know.”

  “She’s not from around here and doesn’t know very many people so I thought it would be nice to have a girl’s night out and make her feel welcome.”

  “That’s very thoughtful of you. Which restaurant are you going to?”

  “We…haven’t really decided. I was thinking Mancini’s or maybe Cordova’s.” Serena opened the back door and called for Rufus. “It’s about time, you silly dog,” she said as Rufus brushed by her. “I have to run or I’ll be late.”

  She scurried past him before Will could ask any more questions, not that she would have given him a straight answer anyway. He’d bet his right arm she wasn’t meeting anyone for dinner, and he was fairly certain her parents weren’t expecting her tomorrow either. Why was she fabricating stories instead of just saying she didn’t want him interfering with her life? Or maybe in a roundabout way, that’s the message she was trying to convey. It didn’t really matter. Will had no intention of letting Serena push him out of her life.

  True, she was making it more of a challenge, but he hadn’t expected it to be easy anyway. Whether she wanted to admit it or not, Serena wasn’t afraid to be around him because she didn’t trust him; she was afraid because she did trust him. All she needed was time and patience, and Will had plenty of both.

  ***

  He knows you were lying.

  All day long, that thought kept rattling around inside her head and she felt worse each time it did. She should have owned up to the truth and told him she wasn’t ready for the type of closeness they had shared the night before…except, a part of her didn’t want to close the door on it either. Serena liked having someone to talk to, she just didn’t like how vulnerable she’d felt afterwards.

  Coward.

  Okay, so she was a pathetic, spineless coward for lying to Will just so she could avoid spilling her guts to him again. And she was even more pathetic for spending a Friday evening hiding out in the library when she could be home relaxing while Will made them both dinner. Serena’s stomach made a little rumble of protest when she started thinking about the nice, juicy steak Will was probably grilling for himself right now. Her dinner was still in a paper bag on the table she was sitting at; half of a roast beef sandwich she’d picked up at the deli a few blocks from the school. She’d stopped just outside the little sandwich shop and fed Rufus his half of the sandwich before they walked another two blocks to the library, but she hadn’t been hungry at the time so she’d left her portion in the bag.

  She supposed she should take it outside and eat it, if for no other reason than to keep her stomach from grumbling, but she couldn’t seem to motivate herself to do it. Maybe she was punishing herself for not going home and having dinner with Will, not that she hadn’t beaten herself up about it enough already. Serena’s fingers found the button on her wrist watch and pressed it to make the glass covering spring open then lightly brushed one fingertip across the face. A small frown tipped the corners of her lips when she discovered it was only six-thirty, which meant she would have to stay here another two and a half hours until the library closed.

  She snapped the cover back in place with a heavy sigh then tilted her head as a familiar scent slowly filled her senses; sandalwood aftershave mingled with the fresh scent of soap, the same kind that Will used. Serena’s pulse spiked, and for a few breathless moments, she was caught up in a surge of happiness before she realized it couldn’t possibly be him. If Will was going to a library, it would be the medical library on campus, not the small public one she was at.

  Disappointment sliced through her, along with a healthy dose of self-reproach. It was her own fault that she was sitting here alone when she could have been enjoying Will’s company, and had no one to blame but herself for the time she would have to spend at her parent’s house tomorrow. After a few hours of being suffocated by her mother’s constant pampering she would be ready to pull her hair out. How was she supposed to survive being there the whole day? At least when she lived there, she could escape to her bedroom but she wouldn’t be able to do that now or it would hurt her mother’s feelings.

  On the floor beside her, Rufus let out a pitiful whimper. “I know what you mean,” she whispered, reaching down to stroke his head. “I’m not any happier about this than you are but I’ve made my bed and now I have to lay in it. Sorry, buddy, I know you miss him too, but I’m afraid you’re along for the ride whether you like it or not.”

  Rufus
lifted his head and there was a succession of muffled thumps as his tail hit the carpeted floor. Serena slowly straightened up, unaware that she was holding her breath until her lungs started to burn. There was only one person who could trigger that kind of tail wagging response in Rufus; the same person who sent her own emotions spiraling out of control.

  “Will?” She heard the chair between her and Rufus being pulled back and couldn’t quite contain her smile when he replied with a soft chuckle. “What are you doing here?”

  “Shouldn’t I be the one asking that question? What happened, did your friend bail on you?”

  “Yes…no…I mean…” Serena hesitated for a moment before blurting out the truth. “I made it up, all of it. I didn’t make plans to have dinner with a friend…in fact, she doesn’t even exist. I just said that because I didn’t want to have dinner with you…no, that came out all wrong…”

  Will’s hand closed over hers. “It’s okay. You don’t have to explain anything. I thought about it after you left this morning and came to the conclusion you fabricated the whole story because you were confused about what happened last night. Listen Serena, I realize how difficult it is for you to open up, especially to a man, but trying to outrun your own emotions isn't the answer. Eventually they're going catch up with you.”