Ikigai

by Hildred Billings

  “I see.”

  “So I was wondering… what it was like…”’

  Jun tightened her lips and let out a big breath. “I don’t know what to say, other than what I’ve already said. Besides, I still think women are better. I do things with women that I would never do with men.”

  “Like with Reina?”

  Blush colored those angular cheeks. “Yes, like with Reina-san. If I did half the things I do with her with men I would not be happy. There’s a power issue with men that I do not miss.”

  Aiko knew what she meant, but not to what extent. I don’t feel that way with Takeshi. He treated her as his equal, even if he had a higher position at the university and was, by all accounts, smarter than her. Half the time Aiko agreed with what he said regarding literature because she didn’t understand it on her own. But Takeshi never made her feel stupid, and he was patient explaining his ideas. She supposed that’s part of what made him a popular professor.

  Reina soon returned from her errand, and Aiko went back to her domesticity.

  For dinner she made Italian, and although she could not be at the table to converse with the women chattering, she talked to them through the hole in the kitchen wall, slicing vegetables, stirring noodles, and dithering between three types of expensive cheeses. While sausage sizzled on the stovetop, she caught a glimpse of Jun falling over at the table laughing while Reina chastised her for being “too sweet like my wife.” Playing cards were scattered upon the table.

  They both made sure to praise Aiko’s cooking, although Reina only did it after Jun did. Jun also tried to help with the dishes, but Aiko insisted that she was a guest and should stay in the living area. She brought out green tea ice cream to eat for dessert while they watched a Sunday night drama on TV.

  What a strange life I live. Sometimes Aiko thought it during the most mundane moments. Well, mundane to her. Few women could say that they were a lesbian housewife with a spouse suffering from gender dysphoria. Fewer could say they practiced polyamory, and the spouse’s girlfriend sat right there at the table eating ice cream and talking about what she would like to do to the primary actress on TV.

  And even fewer could say they didn’t know the simplest thing that billions of other women did. Aiko didn’t know if she was truly curious about men, or if it bothered her that she didn’t know.

  By the end of dessert, Reina was on the other side of the table, hand holding Jun’s thigh as they whispered to each other in Aiko’s presence. Sometimes Jun glanced at her lover’s wife and seemed to nod in apology, but Aiko didn’t care. How could she be upset over this natural display of her spouse’s affection for women when Aiko herself was daydreaming about men?

  “Nee, Ai-chan,” Reina said in the kitchen, when Jun got up to use the restroom. She wrapped her arms around her wife and nuzzled her throat, impairing Aiko’s ability to clean the counter. “Have I told you how beautiful you are today?”

  “No, but thank you.” Aiko tried to contain her giggles. “What do you want?” Reina rarely offered these affections without wanting something. Like sex. With Jun there, that possibility was so high it was being deported for drug use.

  “Maa, you know what I want.” Her hold tightened around Aiko’s abdomen.

  “I thought I wasn’t allowed to be with Jun-san anymore. Her girlfriend would be angry.”

  “Ugh. Mendokusai na.” Reina rolled her eyes. “A threesome would make my night.”

  “Uh huh. What do you want?” Aiko knew what was coming.

  Reina dithered for a few more seconds before humbly replying, “I would like to be alone with her. I mean, since you can’t…”

  Aiko stopped wiping the counters. “Sou. And what am I supposed to do? I’m not even allowed to watch, I’m sure.” She had met Jun’s girlfriend. That young hippie got jealous if Jun even talked about her sex life outside of their bedroom. Aiko was so desensitized to it that she felt embarrassed thinking of her younger, more naïve self.

  “I dunno…”

  “I suppose I could take a bath. Or would that not be enough time?”

  “Dunno.”

  This time it was Aiko’s turn to roll her eyes. But by then Jun was back, and Reina stole her away to talk about something.

  So it was decided, without much actual conversation, that Aiko would go take a bath while Reina took her girlfriend upstairs and fucked her in the marital bed. In truth, Aiko didn’t care. She was past the torrents of jealousy she would have once felt in this situation. After all, she made love to Yuri plenty of times in that bed, with or without Reina. She supposed that was what stung. It wasn’t that she was cast out of her own bedroom for a half hour or so, but because she had no one to be with. Yuri was busy on weekends, and it was too last minute anyway. Aiko wished she could say that she was as popular with women as Reina was. But over the years she learned that men were more apt to be interested in her alone as opposed to…

  She didn’t want to think about men as she drew herself a bath and listened to the others race upstairs and down the hall. By the time she heard the bedroom door close, Aiko was already out of her clothing and rinsing off in the shower before her bath.

  The moment she turned off the shower and sank into the full bathtub, she heard a thump loud enough to shake the house. The groan following it did not sound like someone who had stubbed her toe.

  It became increasingly difficult to relax as the minutes wore on. I’ve never noticed how poorly insulated certain things were… Who knew that Aiko would be able to hear nearly everything going on overhead? She wished it were safe to bring in her cell phone and listen to music on headphones. Instead she soaked to the tune of two women going at it like wildcats.

  She couldn’t take it anymore. Aiko unplugged her still hot bath, taking the opportunity of the loud, swirling water to hop out and quickly dry off. Maybe she would watch TV with the volume up while her spouse got her freak on with the concubine.

  Aiko had barely dressed in nightgown and robe before she heard a bone-chilling sound.

  At first she thought it was Jun, since Reina rarely made such loud sounds even during sex. But then Aiko heard it again, and she knew it was her spouse. Is she okay? It happened again. Aiko put down her towel and went upstairs.

  She knew she wasn’t supposed to inject herself, even if both women would have loved that. Used to be Aiko enjoyed watching from afar, becoming aroused at the sight of her spouse loving another woman even in the most hedonistic of ways. Those two especially. The stairs creaked beneath Aiko’s feet until she reached the second floor.

  “…Do you like it?” Reina’s voice, low and husky. Aiko stopped in the middle of the hallway and listened to her spouse. “A slut like you always does.”

  The breath clenched in Aiko’s throat as Jun gave a meek and affirmative reply. Reina rarely talks to me like that. Then again, Aiko usually wasn’t into that sort of bedroom talk. Dirty was more than fine, but she didn’t often like having Reina treat her that way. She knew that was how Reina and Jun liked to role-play, but…

  A harried, startling cry echoed in the hallway. Aiko nearly leaped out of her skin as she heard Jun let out another sound that did nothing to reflect the usual poise such a woman brought with her into a room. Reina has a habit of exposing people for who they really are… In her wife’s case, it was revealing how much of a freak even quiet Aiko could be in the bedroom.

  She told herself to go back downstairs and watch TV. But her curiosity held her in place. She wanted to watch.

  The bedroom door was ajar. Aiko crept up to it and peered through the crack, her eyes taking in the sights of two women who thought they were alone.

  She had seen them together before, of course, but not when they were indulging in the most intimate part of their relationship. Aiko knew that Jun gave her spouse an outlet for the darker side of her gender dysphoria. Since Reina began directing her energies at another woman, Aiko had noticed that her own time with her spouse became gentler and
passionate in the ways she enjoyed most. Is this the division between our relationships? Aiko pushed her face against the door and watched Reina manhandle her girlfriend like a sack of flesh. It would have unnerved her if it weren’t for the way Jun consented to this treatment. She said yes to everything Reina asked of her and even requested some sordid things herself. Things Aiko would never ask for in a million years.

  Watching them, she had no idea how she really felt. On one hand she was morbidly fascinated to see a kempt woman like Jun come undone at her seams and relish in rough sex. On the other, Aiko was put off by what her spouse was capable of. Reina could certainly be rough with her at times, but only when appropriate for the both of them.

  And if Aiko had a third hand, she would say it was for how aroused she felt from the scene before her.

  Reina was at the peak of her masculinity, grabbing Jun by this part here and that limb there. She bit her lover’s neck and clawed her skin. Sinful words of nasty claims passed through her lips, both before and after she kissed Jun’s. She’s so beautiful. This was Reina at her most confident. She used, loved, and took pleasure from all at once, and the most beautiful aspect was how mutual it was in the end. Jun was her enthusiastic partner, opening her legs on command and doing whatever else Reina asked of her with little regard for her decency. Aiko often felt that she was the bottom in her relationship with Reina. Watching her spouse do it like this, however, told her that she had no idea what that really meant.

  She wanted to know. As Reina thrust a large phallus between Jun’s legs, making her strangle the sheets as she screamed into her lover’s pillow, Aiko wondered what it would be like to fuck this side of her husband. I mean my spouse. She took a step back as she realized this.

  The two lovers climaxed at a similar time, Jun tearing at her own hair while Reina shivered as if full of terror. Aiko could only watch, motionless, her body asking for the same type of rough lovemaking while her mind told her she couldn’t handle it. Can’t handle Reina? Nonsense. She handled the rough side of Reina all the time.

  But Reina often wasn’t like this – what she rarely unleashed on anyone, including Aiko.

  The smell of tobacco replaced the scent of sex as Reina lit up in the bedroom and shared a cigarette with Jun. A ritual often shared with Aiko, and the only time smoking was allowed in the house. She watched those two cuddle, gentle with each other as Reina found something to smile about before shotgunning her lover. Jun coughed, but still found the strength to bring Reina’s head down for another passionate kiss.

  This was it, Aiko lamented. This was her spouse giving a piece of her heart to someone else. The only reason Reina was so vulnerable around Jun was because she didn’t think Aiko was there. The lady of the house didn’t know if she was jealous, concerned, or indifferent. Maybe a mix of everything.

  She peered into the bedroom again, finding the two women in each other’s arms. Jun lay on Aiko’s pillow, comfortable and full of quiet chatter. Reina finished her cigarette and listened with endless patience.

  A part of Aiko wished that she could hear what they were talking about. But the more practical side of her knew she didn’t want to. Whatever they whispered into each other’s ears was for them only, like the sweetness passing between Aiko and Yuri never left their space. I’m not used to seeing her with other women like this. Let alone rough and wild one moment and tender without fault the next.

  Aiko silently stole back downstairs before she could be caught.

  There was nothing else to do besides sit at the living room table and stare at the etchings within the wood. Soon Aiko realized that they became blurry – accomplished by tears running down her cheeks one by one. She quickly wiped them away. Why am I crying?

  Footsteps came down the stairs. Soon enough Reina walked into the kitchen, rinsing her hands beneath the faucet while whistling happy. Aiko attempted to make herself presentable before her spouse entered the room.

  “What’s this?” she asked, sitting next to Aiko in nothing more than one of her work shirts. It was wrinkled and dirty, but on Reina it looked like it was meant to be worn that way. She can get away with anything. Sometimes that fact burned in Aiko’s stomach. “I thought you would still be in the bath.”

  Aiko shrugged. A piece of her bathrobe fell down her shoulder, and Reina pulled it back up. Her touch sent an unwanted shiver through Aiko’s body. “I wasn’t enjoying myself. Unlike you, apparently.”

  “Eh? I guess you could say that.” Reina chuckled. “Is that why you look so glum right now? You wanted to join in?”

  Aiko said nothing. What was there to say? Besides yes, of course.

  “Maa, I didn’t think it would bother you so much.”

  “It doesn’t bother me. Not like that.” Another shrug. “By the way, where is she?”

  “Resting.” Reina patted her wife’s hair. “And calling her girlfriend. I told her that she could stay with us tonight, of course, but she said she had to ask her girlfriend’s permission.”

  “Permission for what? She spends the night with you all the time. Like last night.”

  “It has to do with you. After all, I am assuming that you will be joining us in our bed.”

  Yes, I better be. Aiko managed a small smile at the thought of being kicked out of her own bed. Jun would go back to her hotel before that ever happened. “Nee, Reina,” she said, putting her hand on her spouse’s. “I was watching you.”

  The look on Reina’s face went from surprised, to embarrassed, to intrigued in a few seconds. “Why am I not shocked?” Reina put her arm around Aiko and pulled her close. The scent of another woman lingered on her spouse, but that was dominated by Reina’s natural scent. “Did you like what you saw?”

  Giggles bubbled in Aiko’s throat. “You have such a way with other women.” Best to not reveal she knew that it was Reina and Jun’s special bond at work. “I was jealous that I didn’t get any of that.”

  “Hmm.” That spark was behind Reina’s eye again, the kind she got when faced with someone she wanted to do something with. Lucky Aiko. “You know, you’re not giving me any credit here. You’re making it sound like I wasn’t coming downstairs to find you and do you too.”

  Even after twenty years together, Aiko still reacted to such statements. The only difference was that young Aiko would have gasped in shock, but mature Aiko laughed at her spouse’s candidness. “What if I didn’t want you to do me?” She sneaked farther into Reina’s hold to assure her that she wanted such a thing. Yet how could she turn down some teasing?

  Reina kissed her wife’s forehead. Such a gentle action of affection… and yet her hands roamed to Aiko’s rear and the familiar thighs beneath it. “I would’ve enjoyed your company then. But I think you want it. Especially if you were watching upstairs, naughty girl.”

  Aiko fell to the floor with her spouse on top of her. Kisses sucked at her throat while roaming hands felt her up beneath her nightgown. Incredible. Only someone like Reina could have intense sex with one woman upstairs and then come down and make time for the wife. Aiko looped her arms around Reina’s shoulders, her legs slipping around her spouse’s hips as the gentle thrusts began. “Don’t hold back,” she whispered into Reina’s ear. “I want it.”

  “I bet you do.” Reina grunted like a madwoman as she began tearing her wife apart.

  Although not common for them to have sex in the living room, the shutters were closed and it was too late for most visitors. Not to mention how I feel… Aiko’s body was alive with the warmth of arousal, her spouse crashing upon her like a tsunami of renewed vigor. No matter how busy she was with other women, Reina always had the energy for her wife.

  “Kirei,” she said as she pulled down the bust of Aiko’s nightgown. “You are so beautiful.” Reina could not help herself – she entered her wife with her fingers, while kissing her breasts and licking their sensitive tips.

  The sounds coming from Aiko’s throat were not ones she uttered often. Raw, yet diminutive.
She wanted Reina to hear how good it felt, and yet she wanted to communicate her submissive enjoyment. I also want her deeper inside me. In a move that would make housekeeper-Aiko aghast, sexual-being-Aiko propped her leg up on the sitting table to invite her spouse’s fingers farther inside her.

  “Is it good?” Reina asked. This wasn’t the Reina who role-played an alpha male when it behooved her. This was the barest Reina Aiko knew. The one who wanted her to feel both loved and pleasured. How could Aiko help but tear at her spouse’s blouse?

  “Yes!” Aiko’s body undulated beneath her spouse’s, hitting the hard floor while pushing against those fingers inside of her. “Come with me!” She didn’t want it to be so one-sided. Even though she knew Reina must feel satiated after having sex with Jun, Aiko selfishly wanted her spouse to climax with her as well. “Please…”

  Reina faltered. “Eh? And how should I do that?” She licked her wife’s ear, and with her fingers still inside, it sent a reverberation of pleasure through Aiko’s body.

  “Let me do it.” Aiko lowered one of her hands from Reina’s shoulder and touched her bare rear. “Let me have you too.”

  The moment of ensuing silence that passed gripped at Aiko’s heart. Would Reina say no? Was she too high on the thrill of being masculine to let her wife inside her as well? Can I have this tonight? She asked only for the simplest of things.

  “Of course you can have me,” Reina purred into her wife’s ear. “What are we if we can’t have each other?”

  They kissed again before Aiko could answer. So she answered the only way she knew how – she pressed her fingers against her spouse’s omanko, still wet from her encounter with the woman upstairs. Reina sighed in approval as Aiko pushed her fingers into her as well.

  It would not take them long to climax together.

  “Oh…” The only word Aiko could manage as her toes gripped the table and her body thrust into and against her spouse. “Oh!” Oh, oh, oh.

  Reina was not quiet either. She unleashed that pretty whine of hers the moment her omanko clamped down on Aiko’s fingers. She likes it. Didn’t take much to make Aiko happy in bed. The same went for Reina as well, although she was picky about the sex acts performed on her. Even with her gender dysphoria walls breaking down as the months went on, she still didn’t always like it when Aiko penetrated her. But she likes it tonight. Aiko could not deny it on her end as well. Her body clenched as Reina finagled another finger inside. It was coming.