Ikigai

by Hildred Billings

  That got an eyebrow raise. “What kind? Like you do with your girlfriend?”

  “Yeah. It’s fun with her, of course, but sometimes I look at you and…”

  “And?”

  Reina squeezed the flesh of her wife’s ass. “I want to go all-in with you. We haven’t done it hard like that in a while.” Not since I started taking out that side of me on someone else. Aiko admitted she couldn’t do it all the time. Even so, it had been… how many months?

  “I wouldn’t be opposed,” Aiko muttered. She buried her nose within Reina’s blouse.

  Wouldn’t be opposed tonight, I’m sure. Too bad Reina was not in the mood. “You know, if you’re wanting to do something, you should tell me.” She blew onto her wife’s bangs and pinched her earlobe. It made Aiko squirm enough to give Reina a thrill. “You should tell me everything.” The bed creaked as Reina rolled against her wife and kissed her cheek. This kept up, she might be in the mood for round two. “We’ll get you a dildo on a drill and call it a day.”

  Aiko rolled her eyes with a tentative smile. “You joke, but…”

  “Nah, I’ve seen enough porn be made now to know that’s a dumb idea. But I’m serious about you wanting something.” For years Reina got a huge kick out of her naïve and inexperienced girlfriend asking for what she considered to be kinky shit. Like getting it from behind. I kinda miss the naivety. There wasn’t much left for them to try that they would both be into. But who knew? Maybe Aiko would keep surprising her.

  “There is something I’ve thought about.” Aiko sat up, her face warm in the soft light.

  “Eh?” Reina propped herself up on her pillow “You’re a naughty girl. Tell me about it.”

  Not often did Reina see her wife’s visage shrink while they discussed their sexual fantasies. Must be serious. Or so boring that Aiko was afraid of making her spouse laugh.

  “Don’t get mad at me,” Aiko began, her voice hushed, “but I want…”

  “Hm? What is it?” Reina pushed the hair out of her wife’s face. When she bit her lip like that it meant something juicy was about to pop out. “You can tell me anything you want.”

  Aiko sighed, her chest heaving up and down in the most tantalizing of ways. Round two is definitely on the table. “I want to try having sex with a man.”

  The cold air grew colder as Reina stared into her wife’s face. What was that? Did she hear her correctly? “A… man…”

  Aiko rolled onto her back, her hair splayed like a halo on her pillow. “I knew I shouldn’t have said anything. It was something I’ve been thinking about lately.”

  “Why?” Reina’s blouse was suffocating her. It was as if she could feel her womanly curves being exploited beneath the feminine cut of the blouse – and she didn’t even have curves. “How long have you been thinking this?”

  Her wife shifted where she lay. “I dunno. A while. It’s not serious. Just a thought.”

  “But why?” The thought of her wife… her lovely Aiko… in the arms of a man… beneath him… kissing him… “Is is that professor friend of yours? God damnit! What is he putting into your head?”

  “Nothing!” Aiko snapped back up, meeting her spouse’s irritation at eye-level. “I’m sorry, I knew this would upset you, but I can’t stand hiding it from you. It has nothing to do with me liking women any less than I always have. It has nothing to do with my feelings or a lack thereof for you. I just… want to try it. Is there something wrong with that?”

  Yes. Because men are foul. Aiko should count herself lucky that she never had to deal with one more seriously than a chaste high school fling. She couldn’t handle them. Not her sweet and oblivious Aiko. Men would tear out her heart and use her body in ways she would never expect. “I just…”

  “Forget I said anything.” Aiko turned over and fluffed her pillow. “I’m going to sleep. Happy birthday.”

  Happy birthday, indeed.

  For two long, awkward days, Aiko regretted telling her spouse her current desires. Not that Reina treated her poorly, but an air of disbelief hung around like a toxic cloud. Reina did not say much in those two days. Sometimes she would open her mouth at dinner to make a statement to her wife, but then she would close it again, tight-lipped and shaking her head.

  I’m such a fool. Aiko sat at the sitting table in her mother’s house, crocheting a blanket that would be donated to earthquake and tsunami relief programs. Keep your fantasies to yourself. And after such a lovely night of lovemaking too. Wasn’t that what Aiko had asked for over so many years? Now that Reina gave it to her, it was like it didn’t matter. I threw it back in her face.

  “Can you believe the price of rice these days?” Saki, her older sister, said as she worked on a blanket as well. Junko stood in the kitchen a few meters away, cleaning up the dishes from their lunch an hour ago. The final person in the room was Eri, sitting between her aunts as she stitched a pillowcase. “They do it because they know we’ll pay for it.”

  Junko said something back. Aiko didn’t hear over the splash of the sink and the clanging of the pots and pans. She didn’t care about rice prices anyway. She didn’t care about any of the inane conversations going on in her family.

  “Ara, did I tell you about my husband?” Saki called into the kitchen. Her dexterous fingers flew through her crocheting at a rate Aiko could never hope to achieve. “The doctor told him he has erectile dysfunction. Can you believe it? He has to take pills to get his dick hard!”

  Eri dropped her stitching and Aiko stared at her sister. Excuse me? She glanced at her mother, expecting Junko to come out and chastise her daughter for talking about dirty things.

  Instead, Junko emerged from the kitchen, scoffing. “I told you to not feed him so many turnips. Don’t you know turnips make a man’s penis shrivel? Ara, you brought it upon yourself.”

  “I did not! Besides, what makes you think I care about it? I’m tired of having sex with him. After that last time he knocked me up I said forget it. Really, his broken dick is a blessing.”

  This time Junko did chastise her daughter, but it was not for the desire to talk about such things. It was for saying these things in front of Eri, who winced every time her aunt mentioned her abortion from a year ago.

  “Gomen ne, Eri-chan.” Saki patted her niece’s arm alongside the half-assed apology.

  “It’s fine.”

  No it wasn’t, but that was beside the point. Aiko did her part by ignoring the entire exchange and focusing on her crocheting.

  But her sister could not contain herself. She got up and went into the kitchen where she could gossip with their mother about flaccid dicks and baby pricks. Aiko continued to ignore it. After all, it wasn’t any of her business. Even though I’m the only one here who hasn’t been with a man. She dropped her project. Why in the world was she thinking about that?

  “Auntie Aiko,” Eri said, scooting around the corner of the table so she could sit close to her aunt and lower her voice while the other women practically screeched. “There’s something I want to ask you.”

  “Hm?” She still had yet to pick up her blanket.

  Eri bowed her head over her stitching. “Do you know a place called ‘Heaven’s Kiss?’”

  “I don’t…” She stopped. Isn’t that the new name of a bar in Ni-chome? “No, I’ve never been there, but I think I know the place you’re talking about. Why?” Aiko doubted her niece went to Ni-chome often, even though her girlfriend worked nights there as a bouncer.

  “My gi… my friend, Ruu, wants to take me there since she knows the new owner, but I’m afraid to go. Do you think…” The poor thing’s cheeks turned an unnatural shade of pink.

  Aiko sat up. “Me? That… I’m your aunt, Eri-chan.”

  “I know that! I meant that you could bring your… you know…”

  A double date? With my niece? Aiko would laugh if it wouldn’t raise questions from the other room. “We’ll think about it.”

  “We’ll” was used withou
t thought. As Aiko was reminded on her way home an hour later and tried to text her spouse about dinner. I don’t feel like cooking. Lethargic. Uninspired. Two very good words to describe Aiko’s approach to the world at that moment. She hadn’t cooked in two days – a rarity for a chef like her. Not since Reina’s birthday dinner had her hand touched a skillet or done more than fill up the rice cooker for breakfast and lunch. The night before she worked late and Reina got dinner elsewhere. Tonight she was game for going out again, or at least bringing home some take-out.

  But Reina wouldn’t respond to her wife’s texts with more than a written grunt and the announcement that she was going out with her coworkers that night. Great. She would probably come home tipsy if not drunk.

  It was dark by the time Aiko arrived at her station. She texted Yuri to see if she wanted to get dinner, but her lover was busy elsewhere. I don’t want to eat out alone. She debated getting fast food to take home, but couldn’t muster the enthusiasm for the McDonald’s two blocks away.

  “Aiko-san?”

  She turned. It was Takeshi on his bicycle.

  Dinner was at a small sushi bar down the street. The place was full on a Friday night, and the staff – all members of the same family – expressing good cheer to everyone who went in and out of the restaurant that night. Aiko and Takeshi sat at the far end of the busy bar.

  The conversation was empty, but that was what Aiko needed. Takeshi made her laugh with droll jokes about books and puns, and she in turn pretended to be knowledgeable about Tolstoy. For once their banter did not linger only on authors and the English language. It soon turned to common Japanese dramas on TV every night and the upcoming New Year’s celebrations. Takeshi was going to Chiba Prefecture to meet up with extended family; Aiko would be going to her family’s house as usual.

  She didn’t think much of their evening until she dropped a small rice ball onto her plate. Takeshi picked it up with his chopsticks and offered it to her, a sign of intimacy.

  It could’ve been friendship. It could’ve been something more. Aiko realized this felt like a date, and her stomach turned in both excitement and dread. Don’t lead him on. Yet she wanted him, and she knew that he wanted her. What should’ve been an obvious answer was complicated due to past experiences.

  “What are you doing tomorrow?” Takeshi asked, after their plates were cleared. He ordered them two small cups of sake to share. “I feel like cooking for someone. Or are you busy?”

  The rice wine burned in Aiko’s mouth. “I have no plans for tomorrow night.” Reina was going to therapy. Though she usually went with her spouse before they would head out for some fun, Aiko couldn’t say she was inspired to leave their neighborhood.

  “Then you should come over to my place. Have you seen the Les Misérables movie?”

  “No, I haven’t.”

  “Then it would be a good excuse to come see it. I’ll make you something good.”

  “Just the two of us?” Aiko chuckled into the back of her hand. “Sounds like you’re asking me out on a date.”

  The smile instantly fell off Takeshi’s face. “I do not mean to,” he said somberly, as if he were speaking to a student suspected of plagiarizing. “I know that you’re…”

  Gay? Married? Did the one boost the other? Aiko shrugged. “I’m kidding. I would love to come over.”

  They parted outside the restaurant, Takeshi taking off on his bicycle as Aiko walked back down her street in the cold. The house was still empty when she arrived. She texted Reina but did not receive a reply until she came home around nine, slightly intoxicated from the party with her coworkers but not drunk. She reeked of cigarette smoke, and asked to take a shower.

  Aiko remained in the living area while her spouse bathed. No kisses. No flirting. No jokes cracked at anyone’s expense. She’s mad at me. In turn it was making Aiko bitter toward Reina. Even though it’s my fault.

  “Ai-chan.”

  She looked over her shoulder and saw Reina standing in the doorway, sober and dressed in her pajamas. A towel hung around her shoulders as her stringy hair fell in little curls down her forehead. Normally Aiko would find a vision like this before bed at least slightly arousing. Tonight she was too tired to care. “Yes?”

  Reina remained in the doorway, frowning. “I don’t care if you do it with a man, if that’s what you really want to do. I just don’t want to know anything about it.” She turned and shuffled toward the staircase. Aiko gazed after her in utter disbelief.

  Over a year had passed since Reina last felt like she was suffocating in her therapist’s office. I was doing so well. She was no longer anxious coming to Dr. Katou. Instead she looked forward to it, since she enjoyed sharing her improvements with one of the women responsible for helping her get this far.

  But now? Reina lay across the couch, silent for a good fifteen minutes after telling her therapist what happened on her birthday.

  “I feel like…” Reina began, breaking the silence. “I’m losing her.”

  “Because she has expressed an interest in men?”

  Men! Reina would get riled up about it, but she exhausted that energy on the last round of thinking her wife was cheating on her with a man. But that was because she wanted a baby. Now Aiko wanted real cock.

  “You should talk to her about these feelings of hers. I’m sure they have nothing to do with you specifically, Reina-san.”

  “I don’t want to talk about them. You know what I told her.”

  “Keeping a wall up between you and your wife will not help.”

  “You don’t get it.” Reina looked at Dr. Katou, smug in her wool dress and half-moon glasses. “She’s pulling away from me. It’s been happening for years. I’ve been waiting for it ever since she started asking me to marry her.”

  It was dramatic, but that’s what Reina did best in these circumstances. She refused to hear anything Dr. Katou had to say in rebuttal before the end of their hour. I’m out of here. Reina picked up her winter jacket and left the office before the good doctor could tell her she was wrong some more.

  Reina had nowhere to go. She didn’t want to go home, where Aiko would be getting ready for her dinner with a friend, whoever it was. Reina assumed it was Yuri. But if it was her, Aiko would have said so. That only left one person. Reina forewent grabbing dinner and went straight to a bar to get a drink.

  “Oi,” she said into her cell phone the moment she got her drink in the dark bar. “Tell me you’re not busy tonight.”

  Reina didn’t know where Jun was, but it was not at home. Cars honked and people shouted in the background. “Sorry, I’m tending to a wedding here. Hey! You!” She yelled. “Get that limo back in its parking space!”

  After hanging up, Reina curled her arms on the bar and put her head down. If she were a weaker person, she would find the first woman willing to fuck her and do so, wife or no wife back home. I don’t want to betray her. She fought back one tear.

  “Holy shit, who died?”

  Reina lifted her head and saw a blond head hovering above her in the dark. When her eyes focused, she realized it was Shio, wearing her fuzzy pink jacket and a pair of jeans that hugged her lean figure. “My marriage,” Reina mumbled. “What are you doing here?” Shio was supposed to be working at some bar on the weekends.

  “Tonight is one of my nights off.” Shio hopped onto the stool next to Reina. “What is this about your marriage? Have you had dinner yet?”

  Somehow Reina let Shio talk her into ordering dinner there at the bar, all while spilling her dying guts about what happened on her birthday. It was more satisfying telling Shio than Dr. Katou, if only because the former expressed more shock and disdain than the latter. There was something to be said for a friend over a therapist.

  There was also something to be said for a person who understood what Reina was feeling. At least on the gender dysphoria level.

  “I’m not good enough for her.” Reina ignored her hot meal even after it arrived. “She
wants to chase the real thing. My cock ain’t good enough.”

  “I doubt that’s it.” Shio pushed her salad around her plate. “It’s natural for people to change as they get older. In her case, maybe she’s curious. Who knows? She might hate it.”

  “That’s not the point.” Reina knew her irritation was irrational, but she couldn’t stand the thought of her sweet wife in the arms of some man. A man wouldn’t know how to treat my Aiko. A man wouldn’t understand how it felt for a woman to be made love to. I understand. Reina may not like the same things that many other lesbians liked, but she could understand where their pleasure came from. Like her wife, who liked things a certain way and begged for them even twenty years later. What man would know that? “I dunno.”

  “Is it about an actual man, or his body parts?”

  Reina stared at her food now, willing herself to get hungry. “Maybe both.” She had to admit that she kept thinking about her wife getting dicked by a real member. Aiko never had before, and Reina believed it. No more gold star for her. But that was a preposterous reason to be sickened by the thought. Reina had sex with women who had sex with men all the time and never thought about it. Hell, most of the lesbians she knew had sex with men at some point. Jun, Michiko, Yuri… she didn’t know about Kaori or Haruka off the top of her head… Mayumi sometimes laughed about an old boyfriend with a tiny penis, and Ami was a bisexual cam girl who catered to male viewers. Aiko is the only one like me. Maybe that’s why it hurt so much. Reina didn’t want to be left behind.

  “Maybe you should take your mind off it.” Shio put her hand on Reina’s shoulder. “You wanna know what happened to me today?” She pulled her hand off, waiting for Reina to look at her. “I called home and found out that I’m not invited for New Year’s celebrations. I mean, I didn’t really think I could go anyway. Money and all. But to have your mother say that you’re not welcomed home… man, it was like a punch in the gut.” Although Shio laughed, it was with uneasy disdain.