“You don’t want to know what I’m thinking right at this moment.” He stood abruptly. “Can I get you another drink?”
It was then she’d noticed that she’d drained her wine glass as well. She didn’t need another wine. “That would be great, but I’ll just have a sparkling water this time.”
He nodded and walked off towards the door that would take him back into the bar. She thought about the conversation and wondered how a simple comment about her hair could send him off the deep end. Unless he was imagining … no, he couldn’t be. Could he?
Suddenly a vision of her lying across Andrew’s chest, with him running his fingers through her hair, filled her consciousness. She closed her eyes and it heightened the vision. A shiver took hold of her. She could almost feel his hands tangling in her dark hair, while his other hand traced her spine.
“Are you okay? Do you need a jacket?”
Her eyes sprung open and this time it was her that was blushing. She could feel the telltale sign of it starting at the bottom of her chin.
“No, I’m fine.” She gave herself a mental shake, but what she really wanted to do was grasp that image back and make it a reality. “Why would you ask if I needed a jacket?”
“You were clutching your arms, so I thought you were cold.”
Dawn looked down to see that he was right she was gripping her arms. She dropped her hands to the table. “No, I’m fine.” She picked up the drink Andrew had given her and took a long, deep swallow; this time the shudder that coursed through her was from the icy water and not from imagining Andrew’s arms on her.
“You just shook again, let’s go inside.”
Before she had a chance to argue, Andrew had collected their drinks. “Are you finished with the platter?”
She looked down and was surprised that between the two of them, they’d eaten most of the contents of the plate. There were only a couple of pieces of raw cauliflower and carrots left. “I don’t think there’s much point taking it inside, do you?” she said with a smile. “Guess we were hungrier than we thought.”
She followed Andrew into the main bar area — as he’d said, the room was now a lot more occupied than it had been only an hour ago. The noise level was hard for her to take.
“Andrew! Hey Andrew, over here.”
Dawn heard the call and she knew the moment Andrew did too. His back seemed to stiffen as if answering the call was the last thing he wanted to do. She could see the conscious deep breath he took and the relaxing of his back muscles as he let the breath out. His action confused her. Why didn’t he want to see this person?
“Is it okay if we go over and say hello?” he asked her.
“Sure, that’s fine; it would be rude if we ignored him.”
They weaved their way through the cluster of tables until they reached a group of people. It looked like four tables had been grouped together to make one long row. There was only one chair available, but before either one could say anything, someone stood up and grabbed another chair. From where, Dawn had no idea — it was like he’d just plucked it out of thin air. But she could feel the tension radiating from Andrew as he stood at her back and she wondered what or who was causing the problem.
• • •
Andrew had just got Dawn seated when he was engulfed in a man hug. He returned the slap on the back he’d received, even though he wanted to be anywhere but at this table.
“Andrew, buddy, it’s great to see you, when did you get back into town?”
“Hey, Dean, I’ve been back a few months. Been keeping busy.” He didn’t want to sit, but knew it would be viewed as being impolite if he didn’t. Once seated, he reached over and grabbed Dawn’s hand. He needed some grounding and she was the person who could do that for him.
He could feel her gaze on him, so he looked at her and gave her a relaxed-everything-is-fine type of smile, although at the quizzical look she sent him, he wasn’t so sure he’d succeeded. He would get through the next five minutes and then he’d make an excuse and they could leave.
“Do you guys want a drink?” Dean asked.
“No, we were just getting ready to leave when you saw us,” Andrew answered.
“Seeing as Andrew seems to have forgotten his manners, I’m Dawn.” She extracted her hand from his hold and held it out to Dean, while sending a pointed look in his direction.
“Good to meet you, Dawn, I’m Dean.”
If Dean continued to look at Dawn the way he was, then there could be trouble. Andrew had purposely avoided coming to any of the pre-race or after race get-togethers. And he’d avoided being seen by Dean and his crew when he had sailed. It had taken some fancy footwork, but Andrew had achieved it. If Dean knew he’d been back in town, then Andrew knew his life would get a bit more complicated. Plus he’d wanted to concentrate all his energies on Dawn and getting to know her again.
“How long are you in town for, Andrew?” Dean posed the question and when Andrew looked at him, he didn’t like the excited look in Dean’s eyes. He tried not to shift too much in his chair, the last thing he wanted to do was give Dean the impression he was itching to leave the city.
“For good,” Andrew replied.
He wasn’t prepared for the burst of laughter that came out of Dean. It seemed Dean was oblivious to the other people at the table and the fact that everyone was now listening avidly into their conversation.
Andrew chanced a look at Dawn and he could see that she’d shut herself down. Her eyes had sparkled emerald fire earlier, now they were the dullest green. Somehow he had to get them out of there, without causing too much of a scene.
“You find that funny, Dean?”
“Well, yeah, mate, you don’t settle in one place for too long. It’s wanderlust of adventure and traveling that runs through your veins, not blood.”
“Once, maybe,” Andrew replied quietly. “Not now.”
“I’ll give you six months tops, less even.” As Dean looked at his watch Andrew could feel the tension shooting out from Dawn and hitting him directly in his side.
“My days of traveling the globe are over,” Andrew said, hoping that Dawn could hear the determination in his voice.
The whole table stood and he was glad that the races were about to start. He stood too and held out his hand to Dawn. “Ready?”
She didn’t answer, just nodded, and he knew that he had a lot of ground to cover to get them back to the place they’d been out on the terrace. He had felt so close to her after the talk they’d had. He’d felt they were finally getting to the place where he could get her to date him more seriously than just casually. Now it was like they were back at square one.
“Before you go, Andrew, I’ve got a friend that’s looking for one more crew member for this new around the world race that’s starting in a month. You interested?”
“No,” he said firmly. “As I said, my days of sailing the world are over.”
Andrew withstood the slap on the back Dean gave him. “I’m sure I’ll be speaking to you soon.”
• • •
The crowd of people walked away and Dawn let out the breath she’d been holding. She’d stopped breathing the moment Dean had asked Andrew how long he’d be in town for. She hadn’t liked Dean much. He was too arrogant and full of himself. She also hadn’t liked the way he’d spoken to Andrew, as if he knew what went on in Andrew’s mind better than he did.
But she also wondered whether Dean was right. That in a couple of months, the need to feel the rough ocean beneath his legs again would consume Andrew, and he would take off for one more adventure.
“I’m sorry you had to meet Dean. He’s a jerk, and that’s putting it nicely.”
“Have you known him long?” she asked, wanting to know just how well this Dean person knew Andrew.
She almost didn’t think he was
going to answer her question, as he made sure she was settled in his car before he got in himself and started the engine.
“Are you avoiding my question?”
“No, it’s just that Dean was the one that got me on my first team all those years ago.”
It took a few seconds before the enormity of his words sunk in. Andrew had never said how he’d gotten on the team, he’d just told her that an awesome opportunity had come up and he was taking it. He hadn’t given any thought to how she felt. She was in the middle of her nursing studies and couldn’t have gone anyway. But they had been dating for two years. She had thought she was an important part of his life. She had imagined that the next step they’d take would be engagement, then marriage. But when he’d packed his bags and walked away, she knew he hadn’t loved her nearly as much as she had loved him.
“I know what you’re thinking,” he said quietly.
“Actually, no, I don’t think you do. You have no idea what is going through my mind.”
“You’re thinking back to the time that I walked away without a backward glance at you.”
Dawn sucked in a breath, unable to believe how spot on he was. She now had the opportunity to finally ask the question that had been burned into her mind since the day he’d left. “Why did you do it? Why did you walk away and not even give me or our relationship another thought?”
It was probably the worst thing to ask while Andrew was driving, but she didn’t care. The can of worms had been opened and she wanted answers. And she wasn’t going to take a brush off. She was going to find out exactly why he’d done what he’d done. She was going to find out why she hadn’t been enough of a reason to stay behind.
Chapter 9
The silence in the car was getting unbearable. Andrew hadn’t answered her question; he’d just muttered something about waiting until he’d stopped driving. So she was wishing the miles away. Her place wasn’t too far from the yacht club they’d been at, but it was peak hour traffic and an accident on the freeway had caused the drive home to be as slow as molasses.
It took them another twenty minutes, but finally they’d arrived at her house. Andrew pulled the car into the driveway and before he’d put the park brake on she turned to him.
“Don’t think I’m going to let you get away with not answering my question. I think after all this time this is another conversation we need to have.” She picked up her bag and gripped the door handle. “There’s no way we can go on if we don’t discuss this. Would you like to come in and I can fix us something to eat?”
Food was the last thing on her mind — she was still full from the appetizers — but she knew Andrew had a decent appetite so he could still very well be hungry.
“You’re right; to move forward we have to discuss the past. I’d love to come in, Dawn.”
She got out of the car and made her way to the front door. As she went to put the key in her lock, she noticed her hands were shaking, and it wasn’t from coldness. She was nervous about how the conversation they were about to have would pan out. It seemed today was the day for deep and meaningful conversations. She stifled the giggle that threatened to burst through her as she opened the door. It was usually girls that had deep conversations; guys avoided them like the plague.
Once she got inside, she turned the lights on and made her way to the kitchen, one of her favorite places. It was one of the reasons she’d bought the house. The previous owners had renovated and the deep mahogany stained cupboards with the white quartz countertops had immediately drawn her in. The layout and appliances were perfect for someone who was a gourmet chef. She wasn’t anywhere near close to being that but yesterday she’d had the urge to try her hand at baking, it had been one of the things she had been looking forward to — baking cookies and cakes for Brody as he got older. After he’d died, she hadn’t thought she’d ever feel like baking at all. She went to the fridge to get out the double chocolate cake she’d made with raspberry frosting.
“Did you make that?” Andrew asked, his eyes almost popping out of his head.
“Would it make a difference if I’d bought it from a store or I made it?”
“No difference at all, but if you’ve made that decadent looking cake, then I’m really impressed.”
Dawn reached into the drawer and pulled out plates. She then cut a huge wedge of cake for Andrew and a smaller piece for herself. She pushed the plate and a fork across the counter towards where he sat on a stool. “It might not taste as good as it looks. It was my first attempt in a long time to bake a cake. I even made the frosting using fresh raspberries.”
He took a bite and moaned. “This is divine.”
She smiled and carried her plate and took the stool next to Andrew. “Thanks”.
They ate in silence for a few minutes, giving the impression it was casual and relaxing. But the atmosphere was false — they both knew what was coming.
“I’m sorry,” he said quietly.
Dawn wasn’t sure what he was apologizing for, but if it was for walking out on her, it was going to take a bit more than just “sorry.” “Sorry for what?”
“Sorry for not discussing my plans with you.” He laid his hand over hers. “Are you finished with your cake?”
She looked at her half eaten plate and knew she hadn’t really wanted it. She’d only cut it to be sociable with him. She noticed that he’d finished his cake. “Yes.”
“Do you want to go sit somewhere more comfortable? I think this conversation is going to take longer than a couple of minutes.”
“Sure, do you want something to drink?”
“If you’ve got a soda I’ll take one, if not, water is fine.”
Dawn took a few minutes to scrape the plates and get the drinks and then, with a deep breath, she moved into the living room. When she walked in, she found Andrew studying the picture of her, Tom and Brody again.
“He was a really cute baby.” He placed the photo down again and turned to look at her. “I could say sorry again, but I’m sure you’ve heard that so many times that now it seems like an empty word and doesn’t bring him back.”
She stood still as he walked towards her, taking the drinks from her hands and placing them on the squat wooden coffee table.
“What I will say is that I know you were an amazing mother and I know that you will have that opportunity again, your little boy will make sure of it.”
Tears welled in her eyes. They were the sweetest words anyone had ever said to her after Brody’s death.
“Thank you,” she whispered before leaning up and capturing his lips for a kiss. Their fingertips touched as their mouths moved, tasting and teasing. When Andrew went to pull her into his arms, she took a step back. As much as she wanted to lose herself in his touch, there was still a yawning gap between them. “We came here to talk and talk is what we’re going to do.”
With an inner strength she didn’t think she possibly possessed at that moment, she moved away from him and sat in one of the armchairs, deliberately so that he wouldn’t distract her if he sat next to her. She was starting to get frustrated at how long they were dragging this conversation out. They’d start and stop and start again, only to stop a few moments later. Deep down she knew she didn’t want to hear his reasons for leaving her. She was too scared he was going to say that she wasn’t enough for him. That he found her need to stay in Perth stifling when there was a big wide world to see and explore. She had always wondered if that was the reason he’d walked away, because she, herself, had been too afraid to face the level of adventure he’d wanted.
“I know we need to have this conversation, honey, but it’s so hard.”
His words surprised her. Why was it hard for him? Did he feel guilt? He should.
“It’s just as hard for me, Andrew. I was the one you walked away from. How do you think that made me feel? We’d been tog
ether for two years and you couldn’t even talk to me about this decision. You just came in and said, ‘I’m going to sail around the world. I don’t know when I’ll be back.’” She took a deep breath. “You were nothing but a selfish asshole.”
She’d shocked herself with her words, but it was the truth, he had been selfish.
“Tell me how you really feel,” he joked.
Dawn leaned forward in her chair. “Did you want me to sugar coat how you made me feel? It was like the two years we’d spent together meant absolutely nothing to you. I felt cheap and used.”
Now that she’d opened up the wound that she’d kept hidden for so long, the words were bursting out of her. She didn’t know how he’d take it, but she was going to say everything that she’d wished she’d had the opportunity to say.
“You were never cheap and I never used you.”
“You say that now, and I’m sure it never crossed your mind back then. But the fact remains it was a major decision. We were a couple. Practically living together and you didn’t even think that you should talk to me about it. What were you afraid of, Andrew? Where you afraid I’d break down like a pathetic female saying I couldn’t live without you?”
Andrew stood up and started to pace; she could feel the tension in him. It was clear he hadn’t considered anything like she’d mentioned. As if coming to a decision, he turned and squatted down in front of her, laying his hands on her knees. The warmth from the touch started to mess with her anger, cooling it. What had seemed like a good idea, to sit in the armchair, now appeared to be a bad one as she was trapped.
“Let me ask you this,” he started. “Would you have? Would you have asked or thought about all of that if you’d been given an opportunity to finishing your nursing degree in, say, London or somewhere else fantastic?”
She stared at him. What would she have done if the roles had been reversed? He’d known she applied for an exchange program for her nursing degree. But she hadn’t been successful and it would’ve only been for one year. She wouldn’t have been away from everyone for ten years like Andrew had been. The question was, what would she have done if she had received an acceptance? Would she have accepted straight away or would she have talked it over with Andrew? She’d like to think she’d have talked to him, but perhaps she might not have.
Lovers Unmasked: The Complete Series Page 28