Learning Curve

by Rachel Spangler

  She slipped off Carrie’s shoes and kicked her own boots to the side before lying down beside her. Carrie reached over to cup Ash’s face, pulling her back in for another deep kiss. This one was slower. The hunger was still there, the passion building. Their tongues intertwined through parted lips.

  Carrie pulled Ash on top of her, and their bodies pressed together as the heat between them increased. Ash unhooked the buttons on Carrie’s jeans and slipped them over her hips, along with her panties.

  Looking down directly into Carrie’s crystal blue eyes, Ash whispered, “You’re so beautiful.”

  “Ash, you don’t have to—”

  “I mean it. You take my breath away.”

  Carrie held her gaze, but didn’t say a word as she reached down and undid Ash’s belt before popping open the button on the top of her jeans. Ash held her breath as Carrie slid the zipper down so slowly the tension was almost painful. Holding her body weight with one hand, Ash reached down with the other and helped push the loose-fitting jeans down over her hips.

  With no more clothes to be removed, they turned their attention fully toward one another’s bodies. Ash let more of her weight rest on Carrie, soaking up the feel of skin on skin. She slid one of her legs between Carrie’s thighs, parting them as she did, and felt the heat that was building there. One more kiss and she bent her head lower and took one of Carrie’s breasts gently between her lips, rolling her tongue over the nipple.

  “Oh, God, Ash,” Carrie moaned breathlessly.

  Ash took that as a signal that she should continue, and gave the same treatment to the other breast as well. Carrie’s hands slid through her hair, the nails sinking into the tender skin at the nape of Ash’s neck. Their bodies rose and fell with each ragged breath, and Ash worked her free hand downward, caressing Carrie’s smooth skin from rib cage to stomach, to hips, to inner thighs. As she got closer, she lifted her gaze to look directly into Carrie’s eyes. The passion she saw was overwhelming, and she was torn between the urge to look away from something so raw and personal, or to let herself drown in the depth of emotion. She was mesmerized and profoundly moved by the connection she felt for the woman beneath her. It was more than lust. She’d been in lust before, several times a week, usually. This was deeper and stronger, frightening and comforting all at once.

  Ash was drawn back to reality by the sound of her name rolling off Carrie’s lips. “Ash, don’t make me wait.”

  The plea melted Ash’s heart. This was what she’d wanted from the second they met. She had no desire to tease or show her own power; she simply wanted to give this woman whatever she wanted. So, with their eyes locked and her body hovering over Carrie’s, she pushed her fingers inside, her thumb running expertly across Carrie’s clit. Carrie immediately arched up to meet her hand and within seconds she lay shuddering in Ash’s arms, waves of pleasure making her body quiver.

  “Ash,” she cried softly one more time before her body relaxed.

  Shaking from the power of her feelings, Ash kissed her slowly and tenderly. “Are you okay?” she whispered after she had caught her breath. “Was that okay?”

  Carrie propped herself up on an elbow. “That was amazing.”

  She smiled, sending Ash’s heart beating rapidly again. She then inched closer for another kiss. Ash expected the tenderness of a cool-down kiss, but what she got instead was every bit as intense as the one they’d shared at the office earlier that day. She wondered how so much intensity could be sustained for so long, but as Carrie rolled her onto her back, she knew she was about to find out.

  “It’s been a long time since I’ve done anything like this,” Carrie whispered, just before she lowered her mouth to Ash’s.

  The kiss was searching, reaching, causing a heat that started at Ash’s lips and spread to the tips of her toes. She felt herself beginning to surrender, sinking further from control. She was so wrapped up in the woman on top of her that she barely noticed how open she was leaving herself.

  As the kiss ended, she mumbled, “I don’t think I’ve ever done anything like this.”

  Carrie paused, searching Ash’s face for a moment, as if she were going to say something. Instead she bent her head and covered Ash’s neck and shoulders in kisses, some soft and sweet, others longer and more intense. The kisses continued down over her collarbone, breasts, and stomach. Carrie traced the path her mouth took, lightly dragging her nails over skin still warm from her lips. She spread Ash’s legs tentatively, then looked up, making eye contact. Ash felt a dull, unfamiliar ache in her chest and had to close her eyes briefly to steady herself.

  Carrie rose up, never breaking the contact between their bodies. “Is this all right?” she asked softly.

  “It’s wonderful,” Ash replied, finding the strength to gaze directly at the woman who was tenderly stroking her face.

  They kissed again, slowing the pace, and Carrie moved her hands downward once more, this time in gentle, sweeping strokes.

  Ash slid her fingers through the dark curls she’d longed to feel and breathed in the sweet scent that had become like a drug to her. She’d lusted after many women over the years, but she’d never been so swept up in anyone as she was with Carrie. The experience was utterly intoxicating. She was almost delirious, her heart racing at even the slightest touch.

  Tucked neatly under Carrie, she lost herself in the sensation of soft hands caressing every inch of her body, stopping occasionally to give specific areas extra attention. At the same time she remained locked in a kiss that seemed never-ending. Carrie’s tongue ran along her own, and they shared the same breath as their excitement reached fever pitch.

  “Carrie.” Ash gasped for breath, the exclamation sounding almost like a prayer as it left her lips.

  “Are you ready?” Carrie whispered, her voice raspy from breathing heavily.

  “Yes.” Ash had never been more ready for anything in her life.

  With one earth-shattering move, Carrie pressed her fingers between Ash’s legs, sending shock waves through her. Ash found herself in sensory overload, her body screaming out in pleasure and her heart aching from an overwhelming sense of need. The yearning she felt was entirely foreign to her, and she became aware that she was clutching Carrie so tightly she no longer knew where her flesh ended and Carrie’s began.

  Eventually the shudders of pleasure weakened and then subsided, but she didn’t move. Surprisingly she felt herself doing something she hadn’t done for more than a decade: she drifted off to sleep with a woman in her arms. With Carrie’s head resting on her shoulder, their breathing falling into time, and the sun setting through the windows behind them, she closed her eyes and gave in to the serenity of the moment.

  *

  Ash startled awake some time later. The sun had gone down outside, and it took a moment for her eyes to adjust to the lack of light in the loft. Through the groggy haze that follows a deep sleep, she could sense that something was wrong. Instinctively, she reached over to the other side of the bed and found only an empty tangle of sheets. Ash sat bolt upright and felt her heart begin to race. She flipped on the lamp next to the bed and frantically scanned the room until she saw Carrie sitting in one of the chairs in the living space.

  She was bent over, slipping on the shoes Ash had thrown to the side when they fell into bed hours earlier. Ash felt a wave of relief rush through her when she realized Carrie was still there, still within view, but as things began to get clearer, her stomach turned over once again.

  “Where are you going?” she asked.

  Carrie stood up. Her makeup was completely gone and her hair needed to be brushed, but Ash had never seen her look more beautiful.

  “I’m going home,” Carrie answered flatly, not making eye contact. “I have a lot of work to get done tonight.”

  Ash’s heart sank. She swung her feet around the edge of the bed and onto the cool wood floor, but she couldn’t find the strength to stand up.

  “Listen,” Carrie said quietly. “I’ve never done anything li
ke this before, and I’m not really sure how it all works.”

  “How what works?” Ash wondered if she would ever be around this woman without being completely confused by her actions.

  “I mean, if we see each other around, do we just pretend this never happened?”

  “Is that what you want?” Ash stood up and reached for her pants, suddenly feeling very cold and naked. How could Carrie pretend this had never happened?

  “Yes.” Carrie’s voice wavered slightly. “I think that would probably be for the best. Don’t you?”

  “I don’t even know what to say.” Ash realized she feared Carrie walking out the door. The knowledge rolled through her, sparking anger.

  “You don’t have to say anything. I knew what I was getting into when I came over here tonight.”

  “Well, that makes one of us.” Ash set her jaw, trying not to let her emotions get the best of her.

  “Ash, don’t make this any harder than it has to be. You got what you wanted and now I’ve gotten you out of my system. We can both move on.”

  “How do you know what I wanted? Don’t I get to decide that?”

  “I’m sorry, but your reputation precedes you.”

  “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  “It means you have one-night stands to get your fill of whatever it is you’re after and then you disappear. No good-byes, no calls, no apologies, and absolutely no relationships.”

  Ash was silent. She had no retort because up until that moment, Carrie’s description would have been dead-on. All she could do was stand there, staring at what she feared was the one exception to the rule. She felt herself begin to panic.

  “Wait, please don’t go.”

  Carrie paused. “Why? Give me one good reason why I should stay.”

  Ash made a desperate move toward her. “Did I do something wrong? I thought we—”

  “Don’t worry. This isn’t about your competence. But you already knew that, didn’t you?”

  Bewildered, Ash said, “Don’t you want more than just…” Words failed her. She didn’t even know how to describe their lovemaking. She couldn’t express the bond she felt between them, and she refused to accept that she was alone in her sense of deep connection.

  Carrie swept her with a caustic gaze. “More than what?”

  Ash felt like the walls of the loft were closing in on her, but rather than show her own weakness or admit her own need, she lashed out. “What about you, Dr. Fletcher?”

  Ash called out, just before Carrie reached the door. “I bet I’m real convenient for you, aren’t I? You can walk right out the door without a care in the world, because I have a track record. Well, what about you? When was the last time you had a relationship?”

  It was Carrie’s turn to stand and stare.

  “Yeah, that’s what I thought,” Ash spat. “I want to have fun, you want to have tenure, and neither one of us lets anything get in the way of what we want, so don’t judge me without looking in the mirror first.”

  Carrie took a few steps closer. “Ash, you can think whatever you want, but you’re not in this for the fun.”

  “Oh no, Dr. Fletcher, do you have Ph.D. in psychology now, too?”

  “It doesn’t take a Ph.D. to know you want to be in control. All this is just a power trip for you, nothing more. I may be addicted to my career, but at least the work I am doing is for the greater good. You, on the other hand, are only in it for your ego.” She paused, and a hint of sadness crept into her tone. “Well, count me out, Ash. You can add another notch to your bedpost over there, but that’s the end of it. From now on, leave me alone.”

  With that, she walked out of the loft, slamming the door behind her.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Carrie tried to get her keys into the ignition but she couldn’t see through the mist clouding her eyes. Exhaustion mixed with frustration and completely overwhelmed her. She rested her head on the steering wheel and allowed the tears to come. Sobs racked her body as she struggled to make sense of what had just occurred.

  She had given Ash exactly what she wanted, and she had done so discreetly. She had avoided all chance of being caught and limited the risk to her career. Now Ash would disappear and she could get back to the tidy, orderly life she’d worked so hard to build. She’d accomplished everything she hoped for by visiting Ash. There was absolutely no reason for her to feel so despondent.

  Yes, the sex was amazing, but it was just sex. Wasn’t it? Carrie let out a groan as the images of her making love to Ash flooded her mind. She had expected the passion and the intensity, but the intimacy of the encounter had caught her off guard. She’d never felt so deeply connected to anyone before. She had been completely unprepared for the tenderness and sensitivity Ash had shown. Then there was the vulnerability she saw so clearly in Ash during their argument. Why hadn’t Ash just let her go? It didn’t make any sense. Ash had gotten what she was after, sex with no strings attached. Now she was free to move on to her next conquest.

  Carrie took a deep breath and wiped away her tears. What was she doing sitting there worrying about Ash? It was over, that was all that mattered. Ash would move on, and now so could she. She could go back to working toward tenure without any distractions. Her life would return to purposeful and predictable normality. She had her dream job, the respect of her peers, and the admiration of her students. Wasn’t that everything she needed?

  *

  Ash was left pacing in her loft. Drowning in her own thoughts, she wandered aimlessly around the confines of the apartment, which suddenly seemed much smaller than it ever had. Every direction she turned was filled with reminders of Carrie. It was almost like she was still present and Ash was bumping into her every time she turned around. She returned to her bed but couldn’t bring herself to lie down. The sheets were still a tangled, lifeless mess without Carrie beneath them, and the pillows still smelled like those velvety curls Ash loved running her hands through.

  She returned to the living room and set about reorganizing her toolbox, but no matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t concentrate. Despite her best efforts to focus on the familiarity of her tools, all she could see was Carrie, sitting in the chair or standing at the table with the picture in her hands. She could still see Carrie smiling back at her and hear the echoes of their argument. Yet nothing could be worse than standing in the kitchen realizing she was alone. Ash wasn’t sure if she’d ever acknowledged her loneliness as she did now.

  In the past, she’d found ways to escape the feeling. She was almost always around other people. Or there was a woman in her bed. Or Mary was at the other end of the phone. If Ash didn’t want to be alone, she could simply avoid it.

  Ash walked over to the sink and attempted to occupy herself with the past week’s worth of dirty dishes. She glanced at the door Carrie had slammed behind her when she had walked out. The silence there was deafening.

  Ash had almost reached the breaking point when the phone rang. She practically dove across the loft, grabbing the receiver before it rang a second time. “Carrie?”

  “Ash?”

  “Mary.” Ash’s heart sank, but at the same time there was a slight sense of relief. She ached to hear from Carrie, but at least with Mary she knew where she stood.

  “What’s going on?” Mary asked cautiously.

  “I thought you were out of town.” Ash dodged the question, still shaken.

  “I’m on my way home. I hadn’t heard from you for a few days, I thought I’d check in.” Mary’s voice filled with concern. “What’s happened?”

  “I don’t even know where to start.” Ash hung her head, not wanting to rehash the entire scenario.

  “Ash.” Mary’s voice was slow, her words measured and careful. “Are you okay?”

  “Yes,” Ash lied. “I mean, I’m not hurt or anything.”

  “What happened with Carrie?”

  “How did you know?”

  “Give me a break. Think about how you answered the phone.”

&
nbsp; Ash didn’t reply. She couldn’t even begin to put into words what had happened or what she was feeling.

  “I tried to warn you,” Mary continued. “I knew one of you was going to get hurt. That’s what happened, isn’t it? Sounds like you got burned this time.”

  “Mary, I don’t know what’s going on. It’s all so messed up. Then to top it off, Tess is in trouble.”

  “What kind of trouble?” Mary perked up, obviously not expecting this addition to the story.

  “I think it’s her mother,” Ash said, not finding the shift in subjects any more pleasant.

  “Did you tell Carrie?”

  “Tess won’t let me, and Carrie doesn’t want to hear anything from me right now. You have to get through to them.”

  “Ash, I’m still two hundred miles away. There’s nothing I can do,” Mary replied. “I’m sorry. You know I would love to bail you out, but you’re on your own with this one.”

  “I told you I’m in over my head here.” Ash felt herself giving in to both anger and frustration once again.

  “Whose fault is that?”

  “Mine,” Ash answered angrily. “But I don’t know what to do. Neither of them will talk to me.”

  “I love you, honey, you know that, but you’ve made your bed this time. Lord knows I tried to stop you, but you’re going to have to grow up a little here and fix things.”

  “Mary, I was born grown up. Don’t give me that.”

  “In some ways yes, but in other ways you’ve never had to face the consequences of your actions. Part of that is my fault for always bailing you out, and part of that comes from the fact that your charms are your own worst enemy. Either way, it’s time to pay the piper.”