Learning Curve

by Rachel Spangler

  “Fine.” Ash resigned herself to her third lecture of the day. “Then just tell me what I need to do, and I’ll do it.”

  “I can’t tell you that, Ash.” Mary’s voice softened. She sounded like a mother who’d gone from giving a scolding to relating the moral of the story. “If you really think about it, I’m sure you’ll know what needs to be done.”

  “I don’t even know what I’m feeling anymore.”

  “It’s love, honey. You’re in love.”

  Ash could sense a smile in the voice on the other end of the line.

  “I don’t do love.” Her throat tightened at the mere mention of the word.

  “Fine, then be your usual stubborn self. Screw up your life once again if that’s what you want to do, but don’t come crying to me afterward.” The outburst was followed by nothing but a dial tone.

  Ash stood dumbfounded, staring at the phone in her hand. She couldn’t believe Mary had hung up on her. What’s wrong with these women? she thought.

  She felt like the whole world was shifting around her and she was the only one managing to stand steady. In less than twelve hours she’d felt the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. She had been yelled at by a teenager she was trying to help, a woman she was trying to please, and a friend who had been her rock for over ten years. Now she couldn’t even find peace in her own home. Was nothing sacred anymore?

  She had to get out and clear her head. She needed to go someplace safe, someplace familiar, someplace that hadn’t been changed by the whirlwind she’d survived. She grabbed her jacket from the floor and the keys to the Mustang off the counter. She knew just the place.

  *

  Ash could feel the dull thud of the bass shaking the floor and rumbling through her core from where she stood in the doorway of the bar. The lights were low and the music provided a loud rhythm that flooded out into the street. The Triangle Club wasn’t as crowded on a Wednesday as it would be on the weekend, but even from where she was standing she could see the friendly face of Lupe, the bartender, already waiting for her order.

  “Ah.” Ash breathed in deeply, smelling a distinct mix of cigarette smoke, sweat, and pheromones. “It’s good to know some things never change.”

  As she wove her way across the dance floor, a few women turned and looked. One of them, a bold little brunette, placed a hand on Ash’s shoulder, a move Ash shrugged off. She gave the woman what she hoped was a not-too-confrontational glare. Perhaps, she admitted to herself, some things were different, even here. Any other night, she would have at least stopped and given the women a good looking over before she made her way to the bar, but tonight anybody other than Carrie was going to fall short of her standards. Besides, she wasn’t here for a fling, she was here for a drink.

  Ash took a seat at one of the tall stools facing the bar. She was glad to find that there was no one sitting directly on either side of her. The last thing she wanted was to have to make polite conversation with someone she wasn’t the least bit interested in. The soft butch tending bar walked over to her.

  “What, no cute little Latina nicknames for me tonight?”

  “Sorry,” Ash replied, “my Spanish is limited.”

  “That’s never stopped you before,”

  “Una tequila,” Ash said. “How’s that?”

  “That’ll work.” Lupe cast an uncertain glance at her, as if she didn’t know what to make of her resident Casanova’s mood swing.

  “Make it a double,” Ash called as the bartender walked toward the bottle of Cuervo.

  She took the time to look around. The usual group of hardcore party girls controlled the dance floor. No matter what night Ash came in, they always seemed to be there, bumping and grinding to whatever the DJ had to spin. Sometimes she wondered if they slept there when the music stopped and hopped right back up again when it started once more. Farther back in an area cordoned off by another half bar, a group of more butchy women were shooting pool and playing darts. The area was usually filled with women in various stages of groping and undress who took refuge in the leather couches provided for just those types of encounters. Tonight, however, appeared to be sports night, and Ash didn’t think the butches were likely to give up their pool table anytime soon. Just as well, she thought. She was in no mood to make any trips to the couches tonight.

  “Here ya go.” Lupe had returned with her drink.

  Ash sat there staring at the double shot for a few seconds before lifting it to her lips and tossing her head back. The warm liquid immediately spread its heat throughout her mouth, and she held it there for a second before she swallowed hard. The burning began as soon as the liquid hit her throat, and worked itself all the way into her stomach before spreading out through her entire body. Ash rolled her head and felt her neck and back muscles start to unwind. She had never been a heavy drinker, but she was beginning to understand why other people gave in to the urge.

  “Hey, there’s some little chick making eyes at you from the end of the bar,” Lupe whispered slyly.

  Ash didn’t even look up. “Not tonight, I’ve got a date with another tequila tonight.” She slapped her shot glass back onto the bar.

  “I’ve never seen you turn down a sure thing before.” Lupe looked confused. “Chica, if it were anyone else, I would say you’d found yourself some girl trouble in a big way.”

  “Well, if you mean all the women in my life have suddenly gone crazy, then I guess you could say I’ve got girl trouble.”

  The bartender laughed, a deep, hearty laugh. “I never thought I’d live to see the day. Who is the lucky lady?”

  “There’s no lucky lady.” Ash sulked. “Just a few things out of whack. Nothing a few days rest and little more tequila won’t fix.”

  “You know,” Lupe filled Ash’s glass, “I’ve been pouring this stuff since, well, probably before you were born, and I have never once seen it fix a single problem.”

  Ash groaned. “No more lectures. I can’t take another person giving me a heart-to-heart about my bad behavior.”

  “Not a lecture, just an observation.” With that she placed a glass of water next to Ash’s tequila.

  Ash looked at her accusingly, but before she had a chance to say anything, Lupe raised her hands palms upward in mock surrender and walked off to greet another customer.

  Ash paused just a moment before picking up the shot and tossing it back. She swallowed the second it hit the back of her throat, but instead of burning, this one simply felt warm on the way down. Either the first drink had dulled her senses or the bartender had poured her a little less this time around. Ash figured it was probably a combination of the two. She reached for the water, sipping it gingerly as if it were the drink that had made her head feel lighter, and not the tequila. At least now she was starting to loosen up. The music didn’t seem as loud or as harsh as it had when she came in. The occasional patron brushing up against her wasn’t as annoying. And most of all, the dull ache in her wasn’t weighing on her mind nearly as bad as it had been half an hour ago.

  “Ay, papi,” the bartender exclaimed, walking back over to Ash. “Take a look at that.”

  Ash turned around on her stool and followed her line of sight toward the door. It took a minute to get a clear view, but when she did the tequila seemed to instantaneously lose its grip on her. Standing in the doorway was quite an impressive figure, dressed in a short white skirt and a skintight black top, her blond hair loose and streaming down her back. Ash felt her entire body tighten with dread.

  It was Tess.

  She looked defiantly at Ash, as if daring her to blow the whistle, but when Ash didn’t move, she turned away and disappeared onto the dance floor.

  “Damn her,” Ash mumbled.

  “She’s quite the piece of work.”

  Ash just eyed the bartender. “She’s trouble.”

  “You oughta know.”

  “Just gimme another drink.”

  Lupe reached under the bar and pulled out a Bud Light, twisting off the cap.


  Ash raised her eyebrow. “I was drinking tequila.”

  “You were. Now you’re drinking Bud. Got it?”

  There was no questioning the statement. Ash was peeved, but she was afraid she would get told to go home if she shot off her mouth, and the only thing waiting at home for her was the memory of Carrie.

  “Now come on.” The bartender leaned forward. “What’s the story on the chica?”

  “She’s just a kid. She shouldn’t even be in here. She’s only sixteen.”

  “Yeah? And how old were you the first time you lied your way into this bar?”

  Ash shook her head. “That’s different.”

  “Right, because the rules don’t apply to you, just the people around you?”

  “Yes. No. Son of a bitch, I’m not in the mood for this,” Ash almost shouted, setting her beer down on the bar so forcefully that some of it spilled out onto her hand.

  “Settle down,” Lupe said gently. “I know you’ve had a bad day, but it looks like she has, too.”

  Ash glanced at Tess, who was dancing halfheartedly with a college student. She had to admit, Tess certainly didn’t look like she was there for kicks.

  “Now, my bet is that she wouldn’t be here if she felt like she could be anywhere else, so I’m going to do the same thing for her that I did for you and plenty of others through the years.”

  “What’s that?” Ash asked.

  “I’m going to look the other way and let her spend an evening away from whatever it is she can’t handle at home.”

  Ash thought about it for a moment. If Tess were forced to leave, God only knew where she would go. “Fine, let her stay. I’ve been told several times that she’s none of my business, so I’ll just keep out of it.”

  With that she returned to her beer, while at the same time trying to keep an eye on where Tess was and who she was with. She couldn’t help but remember her own teenage trips into dyke bars. She’d fought, she’d smoked, she’d drunk anything she could get her hands on, and she’d started going home with any woman who caught her eye. She cringed at the thought of Tess getting drunk or high and following some woman wherever she led.

  Ash wondered why this bothered her so badly. She’d survived, hadn’t she? She had turned out okay. With the exception of the past two weeks, she’d been very happy, so what was wrong with Tess learning some life lessons young? Lupe was right: judging by the bruises Ash had seen earlier, Tess was probably better off in a bar than she was at home. Still, Ash couldn’t shake the feeling that they were both headed for a disaster.

  Ash got so lost in her own thoughts that she didn’t know how much time had passed since she’d seen Tess. The bar had gotten busier, and it was harder to see everyone on the dance floor. Ash scanned the dark room and tried not to panic when she couldn’t see Tess. Surely she would have noticed if she’d left with someone.

  “Lupe,” she shouted at the bartender, who was taking drink orders at the other end of the bar, “where’s Tess?”

  “Who?” Lupe, yelled over the music.

  “Tess! The girl that shouldn’t be in here.”

  Lupe rolled her eyes. “She was shooting pool last time I noticed.”

  Ash quickly looked over to the pool tables, and sure enough there was Tess perched on the edge of a table, chatting up some young dyke in a leather jacket. They were each holding a pool cue, but it looked like the game had come to a halt as Tess said something and she and the young butch threw back their heads laughing. The butch stepped up and slipped her arm around the small of Tess’s back under the pretense of being worried that she was going to fall off the edge of the table.

  “Oh, that was smooth.” Ash snorted.

  “Settle down.” Lupe flicked her with a bar towel. “She doesn’t seem to mind.”

  “She doesn’t know any better.” Ash took a swing of her Bud, which seemed awfully flat after the tequila.

  “Boy, you got it bad for this kid, huh?”

  “What?” Ash choked, sputtering beer all over both of them.

  Lupe laughed. “She’s got you all worked up, chica. She’s awful young to be brooding over, don’t you think?”

  “It’s not like that,” Ash grumbled.

  “Oh no? What’s it like, then?”

  “She’s headed down a dead end.” Ash tried not to think about what that meant for her, since Tess seemed to be doing exactly what she had done.

  “Hey, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, right?” The bartender shrugged.

  It might not kill her, Ash thought, but it will definitely kill Carrie.

  She returned her gaze to the pool area when she heard a dull thud. The young butch held Tess against the wall.

  Ash wasn’t exactly sure what happened, but something inside her snapped. She didn’t know if she was thinking about how scared Tess must be, or what something like this would do to Carrie, or remembering herself at that age being kicked around some dark barroom. Before she had time to fully form a plan, she bolted from her stool and hurdled the bar between her and the pool area. She grabbed the butch by the back of her neck and pulled her off Tess.

  She caught a look at Tess’s eyes. They were filled with a deadly mix of anger and terror, but she barely had time to process the stare when a fist caught her cheek, just above the corner of her mouth. The blow knocked her off balance and she had to stumble to keep from sprawling across the floor. The rusty taste of blood spread through her mouth, accompanied by a dull throb. She clutched the side of her face automatically and felt a trickle of blood spread across her fingers.

  Groaning, Ash drew herself back up and squared off to face the butch again. For the first time she really looked at her opponent. She was about twenty-one, maybe slightly older, and it was obvious she thought of herself as a tough guy. She was just an inch or two shorter than Ash, with coal-black hair cut short and spiked. Her build was solid and she had dark, angry eyes offset by the burning red handprint across her face. Tess must have slapped her for something.

  Ash could tell that this one had a temper and was incapable of letting a slap slide. Her pride had been wounded and she wouldn’t care who she took it out on as long as someone was made to pay. The whole scenario seemed all too familiar to Ash. In fact, if she hadn’t known better, she could have been convinced that she was looking at herself seven or eight years ago.

  She studied Tess and realized that if someone didn’t stop her now, the terrified girl against the wall was going to turn into the kind of angry woman Ash knew well. So would the young butch who stood in front of her, with fists raised and eyes blazing, angry at the world. From there they would probably evolve into the type of selfish, apathetic person Ash had become, a woman incapable of trusting anyone enough to open up fully. The realization sent her reeling more than the punch had. Her head spun as the pieces of the puzzle all began to fall into place. Was this what people saw when they looked at her?

  The butch moved toward her again quickly, striking out with another punch. Luckily Ash saw this one coming and was able to block it with her forearm in time to throw a punch of her own. The blow landed across the side of the butch’s mouth, and Ash felt her knuckles crack as they made contact. It had been several years since she’d hit anyone and she grimaced at the sickening feeling it gave her. Her stomach turned as the butch went down, landing on her back. Ash looked closer and saw blood oozing from a tear in the woman’s lip.

  Not wanting things to go any further, she grabbed Tess around the waist and started edging her toward the exit, all the while keeping her eyes on the young butch who was cupping the side of her face. When she started to stand up and raise her fists once again, Ash just shook her head. “She’s sixteen.”

  “She’s what?” The butch dropped her fists, stunned.

  “She’s only sixteen. Let her go,” Ash said flatly.

  The butch, obviously not wanting to draw any more attention to herself than she already had, took a step back and raised her hands. “I’m sorry, I didn’t know.
She said she—”

  “Yeah, I know.” Ash took Tess by the arm and started walking. “Are you okay?”

  “I’m fine, and I didn’t need—”

  “Yeah, I got it, but now it’s time to go home.”

  “I can’t go home.”

  Ash stood and thought for a moment. “Me, either,” she admitted, but then looked around at the bar. “But we can’t stay here, either. Let’s go for a walk.”

  Tess seemed leery but was willing to let herself be led. Ash grabbed her coat off the stool and tossed some money to Lupe, who just nodded as they passed by the bar and headed out onto the street.

  *

  Ash and Tess started walking without another word between them. The night was cold and dark, but the streetlights were enough to compensate for the cloud-covered moon. They passed bars and restaurants, closed-up store windows, and dark offices. Ash wasn’t sure where they were headed as they cut a random pattern across the neighborhood, and she didn’t really care. It felt good to be moving away from the noise and smoke of the bar. Even though her head was still spinning from the realizations that had literally punched her in the face, at least outside she could think clearly.

  She glanced over at Tess, who was matching her pace with long, determined strides. Ash realized the girl was probably feeling even more lost than she was. The anger that had radiated from her earlier was now gone, supplanted by a look of fear. Ash noticed her shiver slightly, and without a word she slipped off her coat and extended it toward her. Tess touched the jacket like it was a foreign object, then she expanded her gaze to take in Ash, as well.

  “I can’t go home,” she said flatly, like she was thinking out loud, or more likely repeating a mantra that had been running through her head since she said it in the club earlier, maybe even before that.

  “I know.” Ash slipped the jacket over Tess’s shoulders. “I can’t, either, not yet.”

  “No, you don’t understand, I can’t go home, ever.” The statement could have come across as overly dramatic, but given the situation it seemed to just be a statement of fact.