Always Yours

by Grace Owens

  “You think that’s a good idea?” Cailean asked, eyeing me skeptically. “Don’t you think he would have been there yesterday if he cared?”

  Ouch. True, but ouch.

  “He’s still my dad,” I mumbled and wondered why I even bothered defending our relationship. It had never been a great one, but ever since my mom had passed away, it had become pretty much non-existent.

  “I don’t like it.”

  “And why not, Cailean? Please tell me why you don’t like me going to see my dad?” I demanded. I hadn’t told him about our relationship, and for some reason, I felt my defenses going up as if we were back in high school.

  “Because, Gertie…” he trailed off, seeming to hesitate.

  Well, too bad for him, because he had already started and I wasn’t about to let it go.

  “Because..?” I urged.

  “Don’t you think I haven’t noticed that you hardly ever mention him? Or the fact that you haven’t been chomping at the bits to tell him about his grandbaby? What kind of father would ditch his daughter’s invitation for an important dinner?” I looked at him in surprise. I had sent my dad a message, stressing the importance of this dinner, but I had never once mentioned it to Cailean. “Yeah, I noticed how you kept looking at your phone, waiting for his answer. And that’s just since I met you. Do I need to mention high school?”

  “No.” I swallowed thickly, trying to get rid of the emotions that wanted to be set free. I didn’t know if I was angry and offended on my dad’s behalf, or just touched by his protectiveness over us. Bringing up my dad’s alcoholism wasn’t necessary. He’d already made his point. “It doesn’t change the fact that he’s still my dad.”

  “Fine, I’ll take you.” He wasn’t happy about it, but it wasn’t up to him if I got to see my dad or not. I couldn’t explain the need to tell him about the baby in person, but I knew I had to. Lord knew what Diane had ended up telling him after coming home last night.

  The drive to my dad’s house wasn’t long enough and it wasn’t long before I was walking up the familiar walkway to my childhood home with a heavy weight on my heart. I knew, even before I knocked on the door, that this was not going to go well. I almost regretted demanding that Cailean stay in the car and was about to turn back to drag him with me, but my dad opened the door before I could.

  And there he was, tall and proud, a bit older than when I had last seen him. James Anderson. I had gotten my looks from my mother so I didn’t match my dad’s graying blond hair, grey eyes or tall stature.

  “Hi,” I said, hating how meek I sounded.

  My dad opened the door to let me in and let out a grunt at the sight of me, making me want to fall to my knees and cry in disappointment. “I hear you had a pretty eventful dinner last night.”

  No hellos, no pleasantries or small talk. Just straight to business. Maybe it was a good thing his work as a truck driver was a lonely one because he sure wasn’t a people person.

  “You would have known if you’d been there,” I answered, not bothering to sit down even though he threw himself in his recliner. The cigarette smell from Diane’s smoking was enough to make me gag so even though this wasn’t already awkward as hell, I wouldn’t be staying long.

  “You should know better than to invite me to dinner with the Bakers,” he said, spitting their last name out as if it was poison.

  Right. How could I have forgotten that they were to blame for the loss of his career at a big-time long haul trucking company? I thought sarcastically. Because it was their fault that he had been drinking before going on duty.

  “We had something to share with all of you, you included.”

  “Don’t want to hear it.”

  “Where’s Diane?” I asked carefully, willing the tears back.

  Why was I subjecting myself to this? Why was there still a small tinge of hope of a better relationship inside me? Why did I think he would accept a grandchild when he barely acknowledged his own daughter.

  “Work,” he answered simply and took a big swig of his beer; and I realized as I took in the cluttered living room that it wasn’t the only alcohol he had consumed. This was going to go bad and for the first time ever, I wished I would have listened to Cailean and just let him be. “But don’t worry, she told me you’re carrying the spawn of that boy. If it’s even his.”

  The last part of his sentence was muttered around the bottleneck, but I heard them loud and clear.

  “I don’t think you’re in a position to judge me, Dad,” I said and gestured toward the empty beer bottles.

  “If your mother could see you now, she would be crying in disappointment, wondering what the hell we did so wrong that you had no choice but to open your legs up to Cailean Baker.”

  “What?” I breathed out, completely stunned at the words that had just flown out of his mouth. “Mom has nothing to do with this, and even if she did, she would have been happy for me. But she’s not here, Dad, and she’s not coming back.”

  “Do you really think so?” He had calmed down a bit, but the calmness wasn’t a good one. “You think she would have been happy that you got knocked up and married your high school bully?”

  “What did you just say?” I asked, shocked. I couldn’t have heard right; I hadn’t told anyone about Cailean, except for Hanna and Allie, but there was no way that they had told my dad.

  “What, you think we didn’t know? Your mom knew everything, Gertie, and we had no secrets between us.”

  I didn’t know what to say to that – I had no idea that my mom knew anything about what was going on in school. I always did my best to hide that stuff, not wanting her to worry about me. I got good grades, the teachers never had anything bad to say about me, and I never got in trouble. How could she have known?

  “None of that matters,” I said quietly, not knowing what else to say.

  “How can in not matter?” Dad asked, clearly getting frustrated again. “You’re just going to let him bully you again?”

  “I didn’t let him bully me!” I was getting frustrated now, too. “I hadn’t seen the guy in almost eight years, we happened to be at the same bar in Vegas and one thing led to the other. He’s my husband and the father of my child, and there is nothing you can do about that.”

  No matter how shocked I was at the revelation that my parents knew about Cailean, I wasn’t buying his whole ‘I’m being an asshole because you married your bully’ act.

  “You go ahead and live your happily ever after with that guy if you’re delusional enough to believe that he can give it to you. Don’t come crying to me when he screws you over. He is a Baker after all.”

  “Like I would come crying to you in the first place,” I hissed and made my way toward the door. “I haven’t done a lot of things I’m ashamed of. Sure, I shouldn’t have gotten married in Vegas, but I would do it all over again because this baby means the world to me. I’m just sorry that you don’t get to share that happiness with me.”

  “Just tell me that you’re happy, Gertie,” he pleaded in a whisper as I opened the front door to leave. His words threw me off for a second as they didn’t match any of the conversation or the anger we had just spewed at each other.

  “I’m happy, Daddy,” I answered truthfully, not realizing how true it was until I said the words out loud. “And when you’re willing to accept that, you know where to find me.”

  Cailean was leaning against his car, smoking a cigarette. He put it out as soon as he heard me close the door, though, but after seeing the look on my face, he seemed to instantly regret it.

  I had never felt such a strong need for Cailean’s comfort before, but now I needed him to hold me tight and tell me that everything was going to be okay. I wanted him to reassure me that he would never bully me again or that he hadn’t bullied me into marrying him, even though I knew he hadn’t. Taking advantage of the situation and bullying were two very different things.

  That was why I found myself almost running toward him, crushing myself against his h
ard chest and wrapped my arms around him. It didn’t take long before I felt his arms snake around me and he gave me what I craved – comfort.

  I didn’t want to stand there for very long, knowing that my dad was watching us, but I found myself not wanting Cailean to ever let go either. However, as I felt a wave of nausea run through me, I had to take a step back, not wanting to throw up all over him.

  “Baby, what’s wrong?” Cailean asked in concern as I was trying to will the need to throw up away.

  “Move,” I choked out and ran for the nearest bush, not being able to hold it in anymore. I felt Cailean behind me as he rubbed his hand on my back in comfort as I puked my guts out in Diane’s bush. My mom would never have planted it considering she was allergic to juniper.

  “Come on, Gert,” Cailean said gently, helping me to the car and I let him; my body was beyond exhausted and so was my mind. Had the hurtful words I’d heard from my dad actually been said? Or was my mind playing cruel tricks on me?

  I was so wrapped up in my mind that I barely noticed Cailean handing me a napkin and a container of mints. I tried to smile in thanks, but I don’t think it ever reached my lips.

  “Do you want to talk about it?” he asked, casting a quick glance at me.

  “No,” I replied tartly. “Let’s just say he’s not happy about my choices.”

  “Gertie, I’m so sorry.”

  “Don’t.” I shook my head, looking out the window as I tried not to let tears fall. “Just don’t.”

  He was quiet after that and I watched the trees fly by as we made our way through the mountains. I wondered briefly when I had decided that Cailean was more important than mending my relationship with my own flesh and blood. I realized pretty quickly that it wasn’t just Cailean, it was our whole situation. I had to do what made me happy in the end and this baby came with Cailean, they were a package deal, and like I had explained to my dad: this baby meant the world to me already. Which in turn made Cailean part of that world.

  “He called me a whore,” I whispered the most hurtful part of my conversation with my dad.

  “He did what?” Cailean bit out between clenched teeth, his knuckles turning white on the steering wheel.

  “Well, he didn’t actually come out and say it that colorfully, but that was what he meant.”

  “Tell me one good reason for me not to turn this car around and beat his ass,” he pleaded and a part of me was glad to see someone other than me being mad on my behalf.

  “Because you’re better than him.” I put my hand on his hard thigh to calm him down and even though he eventually relaxed, my hand never left his body.

  “I’m going to make sure our boy is raised better than that. No way is he going to walk around calling women whores,” Cailean vowed after a while, taking my hand in his and squeezing it in promise.

  “Who says it’s a boy?” I couldn’t help but to challenge him, no matter how sweet the sentiment was.

  “God. Because there’s just no fucking way I can handle a girl.” He looked so worried I couldn’t do anything but laugh at him. The realization that he would be a great dad no matter what hit me like a ton of bricks, and it was just because of that worry. If my dad had showed worry instead of anger and disappointment, things would have been so much easier to handle. “But if it’s a girl, she’ll know nothing but love from me.”

  “You’ll be a great dad, no matter if it’s a girl or a boy,” I told him honestly. I had to look away when he looked at me with too much emotion for me to handle. I think he knew how that affected me and instead of saying anything, he just raised our hands and kissed the inside of my wrist and lowered them back to his thigh.

  Music filled the silence and while Cailean kept throwing me worrying glances, I chose to ignore them. Nothing short of time travel could fix our problems and I was so done with hearing him apologize.

  “Hey,” Cailean roused me from a light sleep a while later, his hand firm on my thigh.

  “Huh?” I was confused, thinking we were at my apartment already, but there was nothing but trees around us.

  “How many boyfriends have you had?” he asked, casting a glance at me.

  I was still in a sleep fog and his hand was still on my thigh, so I was a bit unsure of what he had just asked me.

  “You woke me up just to ask me about my dating history?”

  Seriously?

  “I can’t stop thinking about earlier,” he admitted, pushing his hand up further, so close to touching me in my most sensitive area. “It’s like you were made for me and it fucking kills me to imagine you doing that with another dude.”

  “You’ve been thinking about me having sex with another guy?” I asked, mostly to avoid the question he was asking, but also because him touching me was seriously messing with my head.

  His pinky grazed the seam of my jeans and I couldn’t stop the gasp that passed my lips at the sensation.

  “Just answer the question, Gert.”

  “Enough to know… things,” I finally admitted.

  Things such as awkward after-sex-talk and how a guy will say pretty much anything to get into your pants. You know, all the fun stuff. Not that I would ever admit to Cailean that I had thought of Ryan, the one and only guy besides Cailean I had been with, as my first boyfriend at one point. That was before he ghosted me after a quick - and I meant that as in under five minutes quick - go on top of his parents’ chest freezer in the garage. He hadn’t even acknowledged that I had been a virgin. It also explained why I had stayed clear from guys since then… well, at least until Cailean had come back around.

  He gave me a nod and while he didn’t stop touching me, he didn’t push the subject either. His hand kept stroking my thigh and every so often, his fingers would graze me there. I knew it was on purpose, but for the life of me, I couldn’t stop it from happening. By the time he drove us down the familiar street to my apartment, I was so wound up from his touching, that just the thought of him not fixing it was driving me insane.

  “Are you staying?” I asked before I could overthink things. I kept telling myself that I needed him out of my system and the only way to do that was to get a do-over of Vegas.

  “Gert,” he said in a hoarse voice and grabbed my face in his palms, giving me no choice but to look at him. “If you’re asking what I think you’re asking, there’s no going back. You do realize that, don’t you?”

  “Okay,” was all I managed to get out before he pressed his lips to mine in a forceful kiss that was way overdue.

  I moaned into his mouth, giving him access to tangle his tongue with mine, and grabbed a hold of his hair. Something I had been wanting to do for a long time. His hands left my face to explore the rest of my body, but the car was giving us both limited access and he let out a groan of frustration.

  “Come on,” he said and pushed away from me with one last kiss to my swollen lips. “You deserve more than a quick fuck in the car. Besides, there’s so much I want to do to you.”

  His promise sent a shiver through me as I watched him hop out of the car. I wasted no time grabbing my purse and following him. While he grabbed my bag from the trunk, I searched my purse for my keys, which wasn’t easy to do since I was also trying to walk up the stairs. It wasn’t long before Cailean caught up to me, pulling me into his body as we reached my door.

  The key kept missing the keyhole. Or was it just me? Was it the close proximity of Cailean’s body? Was it nervousness about what was about to happen?

  What is wrong with me?

  I blew out a frustrated breath and tried again, only to fail and for Cailean’s hand to close over mine.

  “You’re taking way too fucking long, Gert.” He kissed my neck and I even allowed him more access by tilting my head. Somehow he managed to do that and unlock the damn door. I wasn’t complaining as he pushed the door open and ushered me inside. Our stuff was dumped on the floor and before I knew it, Cailean had me up against the wall with his hands roaming all over my body as if he couldn’t get enoug
h. He wasn’t the only one, though, my hands acting as if they had a life of their own as they explored his strong body.

  “Bedroom?” he asked.

  “Down the hall to the left,” I quickly responded.

  Grabbing a hold of my ass, he picked me up and carried me to the bed, all the while our lips stayed fused together. It was as if I couldn’t get enough of him now that I’d finally let myself have him. Much to my dismay, he broke the kiss and sat up. But before I could protest, he took off his t-shirt and was back on top of me in a flash. As if it hadn’t felt amazing before, feeling his hot skin against mine took things to a whole new level.

  His kisses eventually slowed down, but instead of stopping, he kissed his way down to my collarbones and eventually zeroed in on my boobs. As he took one of my sensitive nipples in his mouth, his fingers continued their journey down my body.

  I threaded my fingers through his hair, although I didn’t know if it was to pull him closer or to get him to stop sucking my nipples. Instead he simply moved to the other one as his hand stopped exploring and landed between my legs. For a second, instinct told me to close them, but then I realized how stupid that was and opened them up further for him. He’d had his fingers inside me mere hours ago, for Heaven’s sake.

  Much like this morning, I could feel how slick I was. It was almost embarrassing, but I had a few weeks worth of pent up sexual frustration to unleash, so it shouldn’t have been a surprise that I was ready to go as soon as Cailean touched me.

  He sure seemed to appreciate it when he mentioned how wet I was for him. As much as I wanted to deny that it was all for him, we both knew it was lies. His fingers seemed to explore me while he watched me intensely as if to see what I liked more. Problem was, I liked all of it as he worked his magic on me – going slow and then when I was about to burst from frustration, he would speed up – it was almost as if he knew exactly what my body needed without me having to utter a word.

  “Cailean,” I whined, although it came out sounding more like a moan, when he barely grazed my entrance with his fingers.