Standing Strong

by Teresa Giudice

  I understood what he was going through, but—again—I didn’t feel sorry for him. I’d already served my time.

  The ride back was sad. Unlike the way there, nobody talked in the car. When I got back to our house, I went straight to my bedroom and rested there until the kids got home from school. I don’t think I cried anymore. I was just thinking, Oh my God, I can’t believe I’ve got to do this by myself now. Even though I was totally fine with him going, because I had to go, too—and I knew that if I could do it, he could do it—I still had to digest that I had a tremendous amount of responsibility I had to look forward to as a single parent.

  Once the kids came home from school, we all had an early dinner together and picked up right where we left off. That’s what we do. We have a family dinner before their after-school activities—I usually cook—then they have a little snack afterward. I do homework with Audriana and sometimes Milania. And then they take showers and get ready for bed. That’s our everyday life. On Sundays, we have a big Italian dinner in the afternoon. All the kids have to be there, and they can’t leave the table until everyone is finished eating—just like when I was a kid. My father was and still is a stickler for that!

  Of course the girls did ask how it went dropping Joe off, and I said everything went well. I told them that as soon as Daddy can call us he will, and as soon as he gets situated, we’ll go see him. They felt good about that.

  Sadly, having a parent behind bars had now become a part of their routine. At bedtime, Milania and Audriana got teary-eyed again and said that they missed Daddy. I just comforted them by saying, “Daddy will be home soon. Look at Mommy—I’m home now. It went so quick, right?” Audriana was only in first grade when Joe left, so I told her Daddy went to work, but the other girls knew what was really going on.

  The positive side is that things definitely got easier for the girls when I got home, especially for Gia, which I was happy about. She shouldered much more responsibility when Joe was home and I was away. And she deserves to be a kid. I want her to enjoy life.

  The next day we got right back into things. When something’s new, you just have to push yourself through it. You have to say to yourself, I’m okay. I can do this. What other choice is there?

  At first, I was truly good with Joe being gone and doing everything by myself, because I was used to it to some extent. And we got to talk to Joe that day; it was a relief to know he was okay. He sounded upbeat. The kids didn’t cry. They were so happy to hear from him. They said, “Daddy, we love you!” over and over.

  We saw him for the first time about two weeks later. Even though Fort Dix is in New Jersey, it’s about two hours away. We all cried when we first saw him. He’s in a room with twelve guys, which is crazy. Some of them are pedophiles and child molesters. Joe told me that really grosses the guys out. They call them “chomos” for short! Shortly after our visit, one of the inmates in his room got chicken pox and they locked them down for twenty-one days, which drove Joe crazy.

  I knew Joe would make friends. I wasn’t worried about that. He’s a friendly guy, and everyone always loves him. And I knew he would have plenty of visitors. Except my dad. My dad and Joe were very close. They played cards together and talked a lot. Still, my dad never even came to see me. I thought maybe it was because it would be too hard for him to see me in prison, although I never really understood why. I just accepted it. But, recently, he told me that the reason he never came was because he couldn’t go there without taking me home with him. He said it would have been too painful for him to leave me there, and I know it would be the same for him with Joe. My mom came to visit me when I was incarcerated. (She was still waiting for approval to go see Joe when she passed away.) I felt badly because she wasn’t feeling well. One time she came with a cane. It was from her rheumatoid arthritis. I was heartbroken, because she was so young and I’d never seen her need assistance walking before!

  Part of me blames myself. While I was away, she was helping raise my four daughters. And her rheumatoid arthritis was taking over her joints. I’m sure she suffered inside because she was upset about what happened to me. It was embarrassing for my parents. They’re Italian—straight off the boat, goes the saying—so having their daughter and son-in-law go to prison was unheard of for them. They know it wasn’t something that I did. Regardless, it took its toll.

  It takes a toll on all of us. I miss Joe. I think about what he’s doing there. What his days are like. The girls miss their father, too. They know Daddy isn’t here for a while, much longer than Mommy. I know they had to grow up quickly through all of this, but I always try to look at the bright side. Of course, I couldn’t believe I had to go away. I really couldn’t. But I could have been killed in a car crash. And they would never have gotten me back. I don’t know if they get that right now, but I think in a way it will help them in life in the future. At the moment, they feel like they have the worst circumstances. They can’t believe that their mother had to go away, and then their father. Like my parents, it’s embarrassing for them, too. But, listen, every family goes through things. When I hear stories from other people, of their hardships, I say, “Please go tell Gia your story, so she knows she’s not the only one who’s going through something difficult.”

  I thought we had the perfect life. I really did. Until this bullshit happened.

  Now all I do is work to provide for my kids, the best I can. I feel guilty when I have to be gone for long hours. Or when I have to get a babysitter. They could have been home with their father! But he’s not here, and no one else is helping me. I’m doing it all on my own. I’m driving the kids everywhere, doing everything for everyone. My parents were here every day to help Joe while I was away. I don’t even have my mom anymore. And my dad isn’t well. As I said, he currently lives with us.

  The bottom line is that the kids need two parents. They need both of us. And, now, on top of doing everything, I also have to be Mom and Dad to my girls. Sometimes they don’t want to be part of the show; actually, most times they don’t want to be part of the show. They would rather lead normal lives away from the spotlight, but there’s nothing I can do. This is how I make my living.

  This is the price I pay to keep my family afloat.

  2

  * * *

  NEW BEGINNINGS

  One good thing that came from my time in prison was that it healed my relationship with my brother, Joey, and helped strengthen my relationship with my sister-in-law Melissa. My mother and father both said there was nothing worse than witnessing their kids fighting the way we did. Madonna mia did we fight! The day before I left for Danbury, Joey called me and we really had it out. But, eventually, time healed our wounds. He visited me while I was in prison and, when he came, it was as if we’d never missed a beat. He was my baby brother all over again. Despite everything that we had been through, I loved him and he loved me.

  Not many people know this but my lawyer, Jim, also represents Joey and Melissa. He would come and see me while I was at Danbury and tell me how important it was to “make things right” with them before I came home. He would listen to my side of things, and I’m sure their side as well, and he would look at me and say, “Forget about the show. Forget about the media. Who gives a fuck what other people think? Do it for your parents. Do it for the kids. Do it for your family.” And he was right. I just wasn’t ready. It was me being stubborn.

  Like, with Melissa, she tried to visit me in prison, but I was still too angry with her for everything that had happened between us. I was thinking, Uh-uh, sorry, you’re not coming to see me. You should have been nice to me while I was home. I kept saying she didn’t get approved, but the truth was that at that time, I really had no desire to be in her presence, especially considering where I was. Jim would ask me, “Is Melissa approved yet? She wants to come see you,” and I would tell him, “I’m working on it,” and he would say, “Seems like you’re really working hard on it,” and I would laugh. But it is what it is.

  That being said, whe
n I came home, I did forgive Melissa, and we picked up right where we left off before she and Joey joined the show. That’s the way I always wanted it. I tried to forget everything that ever happened. Well, almost everything.

  To me, family is the most important thing. I’m very old-school. I’m like The Godfather movie. You never go against family. And when you do, it’s ugly, and God doesn’t like ugly. I try to teach my daughters that, because what upset me the most about the situation with my brother was that my kids and his kids saw us fighting. So, now, when I tell them not to fight with one another, it doesn’t carry as much weight because of the example we set.

  Even though things got better between me and Joey and Melissa once I got home, there was and still is a lot of tension between my brother and my husband. Joe and Joey used to be very close. Joey looked up to Joe like a big brother, but he blames my husband for what happened to us. He thinks it’s all his fault, and that I never should have gone to prison. Joey knows who I am. He knows that I never got in any trouble before this, ever. I mean, my parents were angry at Joe, too. They voiced it to me, but never to him, which I think is amazing. Of course Joe’s mother thinks it happened because we were on the show and blames me, which isn’t right. She’s in denial about her son and what he did. Who knows? Maybe I’d be the same way with my own kids.

  Anyway, by the time season seven was beginning to roll around, I was so ready to be done with all the drama.

  One time when Jim came to see me at Danbury, I handed him two notes, one for Melissa and one for my fellow New Jersey housewife Jacqueline Laurita.

  The note to Melissa read:

  Melissa,

  Looking forward to Christmas Eve with our family, should I bring sprinkle cookies?

  Love, love, love U

  xoxox

  Teresa

  The note to Jacqueline read:

  Jacqueline,

  Heard you were asking about me, we have a lot to catch up on. Looking forward to a new beginning.

  xoxoxo

  Teresa

  And the truth is, I was looking for new beginnings with both of them, but Melissa more so than Jacqueline. That said, Jacqueline and I do have a lot of history with each other and not all of it is bad. At one time she was one of my closest friends, or so I thought.

  Regardless, I knew I was going to have to work with both of them, so I wanted things to be as good as possible. I also learned that Siggy Flicker and Dolores Catania were joining the cast. I didn’t know Siggy, but she ended up being a total sweetheart. The first thing she announced that season was that she’d had a facelift, as she sipped lobster bisque from a straw! My kind of girl!

  Dolores had been on other seasons, but we were all trying to get her on permanently. I’ve known Dolores for more than twenty years—she’s very close with Dina Manzo, who used to be on the show and is still one of my best friends and Audriana’s godmother. Dolores is one tough cookie, which I like. Even tougher than I am! Viewers haven’t seen the full extent of that yet, but trust me, they will.

  Of course, while I was happy to be home with my daughters and back to work, I also had to say goodbye to Joe, which made this particular season very difficult for me.

  Fortunately, the producers were very respectful and didn’t push coming inside the house, except to say their own farewells to Joe. They shot us outside, because we didn’t want to wear mics. I told them, “This is a private time for us. I need to be with my husband, friends, and family, so I don’t want you guys in the house.” I said, “You got me when I came home.” A lot of people said they couldn’t believe I let them do that, but I allowed it—even though I wanted to curl up in bed with my daughters—because that was a joyous day for our family, so why not?

  I feel like I’ve still yet to have my aha moment or an awesome season. When I first started the show, I didn’t have time to take pleasure in it. It was the very beginning, and everything was so foreign to me. Then, after that, families joined the show, which added new complications. And, after that, there was all the legal stuff we went through. I’m still waiting for a season where I can just sit back and enjoy. I’m hoping eight will be my lucky number!

  Still, season seven was a change for me because of all I’d been through and was still going through, though my motto was I’m just gonna leave the past in the past and look to a brighter future.

  I’d never been in any legal trouble before, so I truly didn’t understand what was going on. It was so sad because I felt like everybody else knew what was going on except me. When you’re in the public eye, you get punished. I was very naive about the process. Now, I know. I’ve learned so much from all of this.

  I’ll tell you one thing, if I’d known what I know now, I never would have spent all that money on legal fees. It would give me great pleasure to help anyone else who has to go through what I went through, because maybe things would work out differently for them. I wanted to go to trial, but I was told that if you go to trial and you lose, you get an even worse punishment, like two or three times worse than if you just take a plea deal. That’s important, and people don’t get that. Until you’ve walked in those shoes, you don’t entirely understand how the legal system works, or at least I didn’t. Even my husband was green to the whole process. So I felt like we spent unnecessary money. If I’d known what I know now, I would have just taken a plea deal from day one and saved my family a lot of aggravation and a lot of money. Money that could have gone toward paying off restitution or been deposited into our kids’ college funds. It kills me to think about it.

  I remember Jim telling me at Danbury, “Teresa, the United States government prints their own money and fights world wars, what chance did you and Joe have against them?”

  In other words, it was over before it started, and sadly, he was right. We never had a chance.

  Now, I get that no one’s perfect, and that everyone does make mistakes. Hell, I used to think I was perfect, but nope, not even close. I’ve learned that people do all sorts of things they never imagined they’d do. For example, they cheat on their spouses and then forgive each other. I used to say that if Joe cheated on me, that would be the end of our relationship, which is still the truth. But now I realize that I have the right to feel that way, even though someone else might feel differently. To each his own, you know what I mean? I’m not in that person’s marriage. What works for them and their family, may not make sense for me and my family.

  I have a new outlook on life since I came back from prison and since I took up yoga as a discipline. A few seasons ago, I remember telling Melissa on camera, “God forgives, I don’t,” and she looked at me like I was a crazy person. In retrospect, it does sound kind of crazy. Still, there are things and certain people I will never forgive, and Jacqueline is one of them. I would never have done anything—nor would I ever do anything—as malicious as the things Jacqueline did to me. She intended to hurt me, and as a result, she hurt my family. She manipulated and schemed behind the scenes, stirring the pot the whole time. She is a master at that. I gave her a lot of freaking chances, and in the end, the things she did were unforgivable. I won’t rehash them, but everyone saw most of it on the show.

  She also turned my family against me for a period of time, although Melissa can’t stand her now, too. I forgave Joey and Melissa.

  It was hard to be knocked down by people I thought cared about me. Even Caroline Manzo and her family kicked me while I was down. I stood on my own two feet, though, all by myself. I took all the beatings that came at me, and I was stronger for it.

  Once filming of season seven wrapped, I was so relieved. I finally felt like I could relax, and I was really looking forward to the summer. I was just concentrating on my family. The end of the school year was approaching, which is always a very busy time for my girls. I wanted to focus on my daughters, and I also wanted to finally start thinking about getting certified as a yoga instructor.

  When I was in prison, I’d been working out hard at the gym and lifting heavy weig
hts all the time. It was my way of distracting myself, of keeping the boredom at bay, and of trying to improve myself all at once. I loved it. But, my roommate kept telling me, “You get out of bed like an old person,” because I was always so sore from the weight lifting. My lower back was killing me. That’s when I decided to try one of the yoga classes they offered. I’d done it before at home and didn’t think it was for me, but I had nothing better to do with my time! And, you know what, I started feeling so good. It was a lot of stretching, and it really transformed my body. I never got sick of it. It releases so many wonderful endorphins. I even started meditating because of yoga.

  As much as it was changing my body, it was also changing my mind.

  I wanted to learn everything I could about it. I said, “Maybe eventually I’ll teach.” Also, because of my passion for and experience in the fashion world, I’ve always thought I could design a line of activewear. In the back of my mind, I’m constantly thinking about business and new ways to support my family. I have to.

  I need to work. I need to provide for myself and for my kids.

  I began the certification process when I first got home from prison, but I had to stop because when we’re filming, it takes over our whole lives. For example, if there’s an 11:00 a.m. call time, I have to get ready right after I get my kids to school, and then once we actually begin filming, it can go on for hours.