Standing Strong

by Teresa Giudice

  There’s a yoga studio two minutes from my house. Originally, I was just taking classes there, and then I found out they offered certification programs, so I figured it was meant to be. In the beginning, there were about fifteen of us doing it together. That was when I dropped out, because the show was taking up too much of my time. I started, but I couldn’t complete it. When I went back to it, it was only four of us and it was during the day—Tuesdays and Thursdays from nine to two—which was great for me and one other mom who had children in school. Then there was one other lady and a man, who was a retired cop. I have to say it was pretty awesome. Audriana has gotten into yoga, too. I’ve taken her to a yoga studio for children and she loves it.

  I also told Joe he should do it! He’s really flexible—which I’m not—because he’s a black belt. You know that actor guy, Jean-Claude Van Damme, who does martial arts, and he does splits across two chairs or something. My husband can do that—we even have a photo! You wouldn’t necessarily think that of Joe, because he got so big from lifting weights, but I think yoga would be right up his alley. Being bulky isn’t in anymore. A trim, toned body is what’s in.

  That’s one of the reasons I’m happy Joe went away. He’s losing tons of weight in prison. He’s not drinking alcohol, and he’s eating a lot less since the food is horrible. Like I did, all he does is work out in there. I tell him, “You want to be lean and cut.” He will be.

  I think he’ll do yoga with me when he gets home. As I said, it goes hand in hand with his black belt. They’re both disciplines that teach focus.

  So, anyway, I wrapped filming for season seven in April 2016, and when that happens, my days are very different. I get up at six thirty in the morning. I make myself coffee and breakfast for me and Gia. Then I’ll prepare lunches for Gia, Milania, and Audriana—typically leftover chicken cutlets, or a turkey or tuna sandwich. Gabriella likes to pack her own lunch because she’s into being healthy. I order her these peanut butter crepes that she’s really into right now. Or she’ll wash and cut up her own fruit—blueberries, grapes, strawberries, and sometimes mangoes.

  At seven o’clock, I drive Gia to the high school, because she starts earlier than the other girls. Then I get back home around seven fifteen or so, make the other girls breakfast, and finish helping Milania and Audriana get ready—they’re both in elementary school—and I drive them to their building around 7:50, for an 8:10 start. After that, I go home again, have another cup of coffee, make sure Gabriella is ready, and finally I drive Gabriella to school around eight fifteen because her day begins at eight thirty. It’s very busy!!

  Once the house is empty, I’ll straighten up a little bit, get dressed, and head to a nine-fifteen yoga class, which is usually over by eleven. After that, I’ll meet my friends for lunch or run errands. I always try to be home by three o’clock, because that’s when the girls get off the bus—they like to be driven to school in the morning, but take the bus home. By that time, they’re starving, so we do our early dinner, activities, homework, showers, and bed.

  I promise you that my life outside of the show is not fancy. We’re all just doing what’s necessary to get by. I have no husband to help me. My mother is gone. I’m in this alone. That’s why when people—former cast members, friends who I thought I could trust, and even random haters—try to sabotage my family, I lose my mind. They don’t understand what we go through every day.

  They don’t even know us.

  3

  * * *

  HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME?

  May is always a big month in our family. First comes Mother’s Day; then my birthday, on May 18; and then Joe’s birthday, on May 22. What I didn’t know is that 2016 would be the last Mother’s Day with my mom. It’s still hard for me to even think about that, let alone write those words.

  I spent the day with my mom and my family at my house. We had our usual Sunday Italian dinner in the afternoon. Mother’s Day is always a special day for us, because my mom was the rock of our family, so we loved celebrating her. I said to her, “Let’s go out to dinner,” but I don’t think she wanted to, because restaurants can be very busy and she preferred to just hang out at home and be with my father and me and the girls. I always asked my mom to pick out something she wanted for a gift. I loved being able to buy her nice things, even though she wasn’t into expensive clothing or makeup.

  I think it’s important to feel appreciated by your children on Mother’s Day. I know my kids always make me feel that way. That year felt extra special because I’d been in prison the previous year and everyone was so glad to have me home.

  Audriana wrote me this beautiful letter, which meant so much to me.

  My mom is the best mom in the whole world. One reason is that she is kind, because she brings me what I need to school. Another reason is that she is nice because she makes me breakfast. She is terrific because she gets me Pokémon and Barbies. Also, another reason is that she is awesome because she lets me do anything I want. Another reason is that she is excellent because she neatens my clothes. And, the last reason is that she is loving because she gives.

  Milania recorded a video for me in which she said:

  Happy Mother’s Day, Mom, I love you so much. I love you because you’re so kind and loving and you help me when I’m sad and you cheer me up. I love you so much. You are just so amazing and you’re the best mom ever! I love you, Mommy. Happy Mother’s Day.

  Gia posted an old photo of us holding hands on the red carpet, with the caption:

  Happy Mother’s Day to my best friend! Thank you for always being by my side and never failing to make me smile! I love you!

  I love receiving handmade gifts from my girls or sentiments like those, because they come from the heart. It was an emotional day, in a good way, because celebrating family—especially my mother, who took care of everyone—is so important to us. My mother was my everything. I always used to tell her, “If anything happens to you, I’m going with you,” and she used to say to me, “Don’t talk like that. Life goes on: you have your kids; you’ve got to move on.”

  When I was growing up, my mom was always strict with us. My father was, too, but he let us have whatever we wanted. Then I got married and was wrapped up in my life with Joe. I was also working in the fashion industry in New York City as a buyer at Macy’s and then a sales rep for Nine West and Calvin Klein handbags, which consumed a lot of my time. The days just flew by. The only opportunity I really got to be with my mom was at our Sunday dinners. You don’t appreciate your mother as much during those stages in your life, because you’re so busy and it never crosses your mind that one day she won’t be there anymore. After that, I had Gia, stopped working, and then had the other three girls. That’s when my mom was around all the time, and that’s when we became really, really close. I would call her ten to twenty times a day. I told her everything. She was my best friend. Even though she would still yell at me over little things, I knew it was because she wanted the best for me and her granddaughters. It tears me up inside that she’s not here anymore. I feel like just when I started being able to really enjoy our relationship, she was taken away from me.

  On the weekends when we had nothing going on I would always ask my parents, “What are you guys doing? Come over, come over.” We used to do that with my brother a lot, too. Now, his kids have a lot of activities, like wrestling and stuff, but when their kids were younger, we were always together.

  There’s no doubt in my mind that my mom made me the mother I am today, even though we’re opposites in many ways. My mom always enjoyed the simple and small pleasures in life. She never cared about what she looked like or what people thought of her, despite the fact that she always looked beautiful and everyone adored her. She taught me how to cook. She taught me everything, really—most important, she taught me how to be the best mom I could be to my daughters.

  I posted an older picture on Instagram of my mom and me from Mother’s Day 2015; it was of us together in Atlantic City. I’d taken her to a work e
vent because she loved to go to the casino! The slots were her favorite. I remember we went out to dinner beforehand, and she was watching me take pictures with fans. We had so much fun! She was always so proud of me, as I was of her.

  The only difficult thing about Mother’s Day was not having Joe there. He did send me a beautiful arrangement of mixed flowers with hydrangeas, which I loved. That felt good, because I’d been doing double duty as Mom and Dad since he left, and I thought I deserved to be appreciated by him. I knew there was nothing I could do about the fact that he couldn’t be with me in person, so I just made the best of it. I never want my girls to see me upset, so I try to keep my chin up and a smile on my face at all times, which isn’t easy.

  A week or so after that came my forty-fourth birthday. It was also a few weeks after filming had wrapped on season seven of Real Housewives, and I was asked to do a commercial for the movie Independence Day: Resurgence, starring Jeff Goldblum, Liam Hemsworth, and Bill Pullman, which was coming out July Fourth weekend.

  When I first agreed to do the shoot, I didn’t realize that it was scheduled for May 18. Since I’d spent my forty-third birthday in Danbury, I wanted to do something special. Taping a commercial wasn’t exactly what I had in mind.

  My good friend Lisa Fortunato was kind enough to let us use her amazing backyard for the summer-themed shoot, which would take place by her pool and a really cool tiki-type bar that was set up to make it look like a Fourth of July barbecue. They wanted to film at a gorgeous house with a pool that was close by. Lisa is one of my best friends, so she offered. She’s amazing. I love her. She’s always been there for me.

  When I arrived at Lisa’s house the crew was setting up for the shoot, but I just wasn’t myself. My longtime makeup artist and good friend, Priscilla DiStasio, could tell that something wasn’t right and asked me if I was okay. I told her that I was in a funk, but I didn’t really tell her why.

  To be honest, I didn’t really know why. Maybe because I wasn’t with my daughters. Or maybe because, as an adult, I’ve never loved celebrating my own birthday.

  Priscilla, with her thick, unmistakable New York accent, told me in a joking tone, “Well, bitch, you better snap out of it, we’ve got work to do,” as she playfully led me into her makeup chair. That made me crack a little smile.

  As Priscilla started to work her magic, my lawyer, Jim, came in and said, “Melissa will be here in ten minutes.”

  Melissa? As in my sister-in-law Melissa?

  Oh, Madonna mia! So much for my relaxing birthday. Not only did I have to work, but now I had to work with my sister-in-law. Ugh. It’s not that I don’t love Melissa; it’s just easier to get along when we’re not working together. At least when I was in Danbury the girls threw me a birthday party and I got to pamper myself at the makeshift spa with a massage from an inmate who happened to be a certified masseuse.

  Jim could tell by my face that I was annoyed, and he looked at me and said, “Please don’t start any trouble with her today. Everything has been great with you two and we are going to keep it that way, capiche?”

  I answered him back, “Whatever.” That was exactly how I felt.

  And he said, “ ‘Whatever’? What are you, a seventh grader? We’re going to play nice, capiche?”

  I rolled my eyes and said, “Fine, capiche.”

  He was right as usual.

  Just a few weeks earlier, Melissa and I had done a photo shoot together for the “Hot Bodies” issue of US Weekly, where we dressed up like the lifeguards on Baywatch and I got to re-create an iconic Raquel Welch picture. The truth is we had a lot of fun together.

  No sooner was Jim out of the room when in comes Melissa with her hair and makeup glam squad team, who I know from other Housewives shoots. They were all in such a great mood, so friendly and cheery, that it put me in an even worse mood, because I was absolutely miserable.

  I can’t explain it.

  Melissa and I were making small talk about the kids and some Housewives gossip when the producers of the commercial came in to make sure we were comfortable with our lines. About twenty minutes later, Melissa and I went into the backyard and started filming the commercial. It took a few hours, but we finally got it done.

  To be honest, I couldn’t wait to leave so I could go home and go to bed. Even though it was my birthday, I was a little bit depressed, and I was sad because no one at the shoot even acknowledged that it was a special day for me.

  Seriously? WTF?

  Once the commercial wrapped, around four or five o’clock, I went inside Lisa’s house to get my bag and I noticed that my brother, Joey, was there. I figured he was there to pick up Melissa. Surely he would remember my birthday.

  Nothing. Nada. Zilch.

  Next thing I knew, I looked up and saw my daughter Milania.

  I wondered what she was doing there.

  Then I saw Gia, Gabriella, Audriana; and Joey and Melissa’s kids, Antonia, Gino, and Joey.

  Next I saw my mother, and that’s when I got teary-eyed.

  It was an impromptu surprise party! No one had forgotten my birthday after all. Lisa had ordered some amazing dishes from one of my favorite places. The other Lisa, my dear friend Lisa Giammarino, had driven down from New York. Jim and Priscilla both stayed, and we all ate and drank and had a nice party.

  I was finally in the mood to celebrate!

  Right after we had cake—white with pink flowers—Joe called to wish me a happy birthday. He also had a card and red roses delivered to the house. Even though you can’t send stuff yourself from prison, he was able to have someone on the outside do it for him, just as he did with my Mother’s Day flowers.

  We spent the rest of the night there, just hanging out. We took a lot of pictures and I posted them on Instagram, because it felt really nice to be celebrated and just relax with friends and family surrounding me. Gia also posted one of the two of us with the caption, Wishing my mom the happiest birthday and hoping all her wishes come true! Love you so much!

  I went to bed that night with a smile on my face; the only down side to the day was that I was one year older and Joe wasn’t there with me.

  I definitely didn’t feel like I was forty-four. I felt more like I was in my mid- to late thirties. I don’t want to be in my twenties anymore, but I still think I look and act younger than my age. I know it’s a cliché, but I really do believe that age is just a number. It’s all about how you feel and how you look. I have a lot of energy, and I take care of myself. I work out. I eat well. And I try to keep my stress level low, even though that’s not easy as a single, working mom with four daughters!

  Four days later, on Joe’s birthday—which fell on a Sunday—the girls and I went to visit him in prison. We weren’t allowed to bring him anything, but I sent him a birthday card so he knew that I was thinking of him. One of the things that got me through my eleven and a half months there was receiving notes and letters from people, whether it was friends, family, or fans. That way you have something you can read when you’re bored. There’s a lot of downtime.

  I always try to bring the kids when I go see Joe because he misses them so much, but it’s not always simple, because they have a lot of activities on the weekends. And since it’s two hours away, we can’t go during the week. They also go with Joe’s mom when they can.

  When visiting Joe in prison, there are always a lot of mixed emotions for me and my girls. Of course, we feel happiness because we’re with him. But there’s always a great deal of sadness because we know he has to be in there for so much longer and can’t come home with us. Obviously, on days like his birthday, it makes it that much more of a challenge. I do feel sorry for him. And I do spend time thinking about what he’s doing in there at any given moment on any given day, because I was in there, too, but—at the same time—I think, Ugh, I can’t believe my life is like this. Why didn’t he do the right thing? I’m a hard-ass that way. If he’d done the right thing, then this wouldn’t be our life. It was nothing that I did. I didn’t for
ce him to do what he did. It was different for him when I went because he was living with a lot of guilt. He blamed himself, which he should have. Whereas I’m just angry that I’m doing everything by myself. I didn’t sign up for this. I didn’t sign up to have four kids without a father. As more time passes, I get more and more upset about it.

  But, again, I just tell myself I have to push through it and focus on the positive—like a charity event I did in Atlantic City on June 2, 2016, to benefit Gilda’s Club South Jersey. It was their sixth-annual “Cocktails by the Beach” fund-raiser, overlooking the Atlantic Ocean with 100 percent of ticket sales going to Gilda’s Club, which is such an amazing charity. My lawyer, Jim, and his wife, Rebecca, were cochairing the event, because Jim’s brother’s wife, Karen, a young mother of two little girls, recently was diagnosed with breast cancer and thank God she survived. That’s what got them involved in the charity, and when Jim asked me to help out, I of course said yes.

  That night, I got to spend time with and help support men, women, and kids who either had cancer themselves or had a loved one with cancer. I signed copies of Turning the Tables and took a lot of photos with fans. The people I met really touched me with their stories. When the event was over, I started crying as Jim walked me out to the car that was waiting to drive me home. He asked me what was wrong, and I told him that being a part of the special evening had really moved me.

  What was even more meaningful is that survivors kept saying to me, “You inspire me.” I was thinking, I inspire you? Wow. I said, “No, you inspire me.” The whole time I was there I couldn’t help but realize that—compared to what these people had to go through—prison was nothing. As long as I have my health, I can get through anything. Everyone has horrible things they have to go through—different crosses to bear—but fighting for your life is on another level. They were all so strong, and I really admire that. It made me extra thankful for everything I do have, even though I’ve had a lot thrown at me and—some days—it feels overwhelming.