Standing Strong

by Teresa Giudice

  I pray for anyone who has to endure a terrible illness or disease. Or anything that’s a major life obstacle. I try to go to church as often as possible, but even when I can’t, I still pray all the time.

  You have to. I truly believe that God only gives us what we can handle. I’m just hoping that I’ve had my share of that for a long time to come.

  4

  * * *

  THE PRESSURE IS ON

  In June 2016, we started doing press for season seven of Real Housewives of New Jersey, which is usually a fun time. When the show first started, we used to travel more and go out to Los Angeles, but this time we pretty much stayed in the New York area, partly because I hadn’t been home for that long and I wanted to be there for my girls as much as possible.

  Another reason was that because I was still on supervised release, a form of probation, my travel was somewhat restricted. Jim had to get permission for me anytime I wanted to travel outside of New York or New Jersey. I wasn’t thrilled about that, but there was nothing I could do.

  I know some people get anxious about being interviewed on television, but I’m used to it by now. In the beginning, I always felt like Andy Cohen asked me the hardest questions when I did Watch What Happens Live. I didn’t get it. I thought he hated me. I would say to Joe, “Why doesn’t he like me?” But now I realize that he was just doing his job, and I was taking it personally, which I shouldn’t have. I can tell he cares for me, too, because he reached out to me before I went to prison and while I was gone; we emailed each other very often. He kept my spirits up and kept me in the Housewives loop. He’s a really great guy. If he were straight, I would definitely make out with him! And he’s so funny and quirky.

  In one way, doing press for the show is a major ego boost. So many people come up to me and say, “We love you, Teresa!” and a lot of fans tell me that I’ve inspired them with my strength, which feels really good. But all that attention can also be tricky, especially when I’m with my kids, and even more specifically, when my kids were younger. I remember I’d be trying to pay attention to them and make sure they didn’t run off, while at the same time I never wanted to be rude to someone who recognized me and wanted to make a connection. I rarely ever say no to an autograph or a photo request, because they’re my fans and they’re putting themselves out there and supporting me. I always try to be as nice as I can be.

  Although, sometimes, you do just want your privacy. There are times when I’m out with my friends and people are continually interrupting us, which makes me feel bad. But I know that’s the price I pay for exposing my life on television. In New Jersey it’s not as bad because people are used to me here. So, for example, when I’m in the supermarket or at my kids’ schools or activities, I’m generally left alone.

  However, when I leave the immediate area, it’s a different story. When I took my family on a vacation to Puerto Rico in April, there were a lot of people who came up to me in the airport and while we were there. I took tons of photos. There was actually one fan who found out where we were staying and came to the hotel. He literally waited in the lobby every day until he ran into me. The nice thing was that he worked for Nutella—the company that makes that chocolate-and-hazelnut spread—and he brought me a backpack and lots of treats for my kids. He also gave me a really sweet card that read, “I was going through a rough time and you helped me get through it. I think you’re so strong and amazing. You inspired me so much.”

  If you can believe it, the paparazzi also followed me to Puerto Rico. We’d just returned from a day of zip-lining, and all of the sudden I look up to see this guy taking my picture. I just smiled, even though I was shocked. It’s easier when I’m prepared for it, like when I’m working.

  Anyway, back to the press tour. It was me and Melissa doing appearances together, and Jacqueline, Siggy, and Dolores were doing other interviews separately. They’d do some shows and we’d do others. It was fun! Except for the interview I did with Access Hollywood, when I ended up walking off the set, because they asked me about Joe being deported. Believe me, I don’t enjoy having to constantly be on the defensive, which is exactly what happened. It’s not something I want my family to see or experience, especially my children. I was humiliated and pissed off by some of the questions. Melissa was humiliated and pissed off on my behalf as well. It’s just not the way you treat someone, and I don’t think I deserved it. Can you blame me for feeling like I need to protect myself and my kids from this kind of thing? I’d prefer for it not to be that way, but it is what it is.

  And circumstances like this only make it more difficult for me and my girls to move on with our lives.

  5

  * * *

  SUMMER LOVIN’

  By the time summer 2016 came, I was so happy to be done with filming. Summer is my absolute favorite time of the year. I think because it reminds me of my childhood and, in particular, a very special trip I took to Italy with my parents when I was twelve years old and my brother, Joey, was ten. I’ll never forget it—we were there for an entire month, which felt so glamorous and sophisticated. While I was exploring Europe, most of my friends were just going down to the Jersey Shore or hanging out at home.

  I’d always believed that it was a very unique part of my heritage to have family in another country, especially when that country was Europe. I never grew up having grandparents around, like my daughters did and still do. We went to visit my dad’s mom and got to learn so much about our history and our background. The last time I’d been to Italy was when I was two, right after my dad’s father had passed away, so of course I didn’t have any memory of that or appreciation for what that had been like.

  To go back ten years later was a really big deal. I got to see where my parents were born—they’re originally from Sala Consilina. It’s a town in the province of Salerno, which is in the Campania area of southwestern Italy. It’s only got 12,258 people living there, and it’s still the most populated town of Vallo di Diano.

  We actually returned there during season two of Real Housewives. Joe was born there and lived there for more than a year. My mom was pregnant with me when she came to the United States. She didn’t speak any English at all. She said she would cry herself to sleep at night, stressing over why she’d ever left Italy and her family in the first place. Part of her wanted to go back, but she knew America was the land of opportunity, so she stayed.

  You have to realize that my mom’s mom died when she was ten, and her dad had left them right after she was born. He said he was going to go work in Venezuela and then he never came back. Can you imagine? I mean, it’s hard enough without Joe, and he’s only gone for three years! Her mother must have been a very strong woman. After her mother died, my mother was an orphan, so she was raised by her maternal grandmother.

  I’ve always wanted to find my mother’s father, but she never wanted to. We heard that he’d gotten remarried after moving to Venezuela, so my mother probably has half brothers and/or half sisters, who would be my aunts and uncles. When I started appearing on television and writing books, I thought they might see me and reach out, but they haven’t. I’m sure my grandfather is dead, because he’d be in his late nineties by now, but if any of my mother’s brothers, sisters, nieces, or nephews are reading this, I hope you do get in touch! I’d love to connect with you and get to know you.

  Listen, I don’t like what my grandfather did to my grandmother and mother, but I wouldn’t let that stop me from meeting his other kids and their kids. Family is the most important thing. And since my mom never knew her father, I’d love to learn more about the man he was. Maybe we share some characteristics. Who knows?

  I also have a lot of family in Belgium. That’s where my paternal grandmother moved after my father’s dad passed away. I have an uncle and an aunt who live there, and they both have five kids each. My uncle went to Belgium to go find work when he was in his twenties, and then met a girl, got married, and stayed there. Then his sister went to go visit him and she met a guy. She
ended up getting married and staying there, too.

  Anyway, back to my childhood Italy trip. You’re not going to believe what happened while I was there! My husband, Joe—who obviously was not my husband at the time, but we already knew each other—was there, too. How crazy is that? He was also there on summer vacation with his family. We saw each other while we were there and really liked each other—we always really liked each other. I thought he was cute and he was totally into me. Only I ended up meeting two other guys—I kissed both of them, which was huge. At the time, I was a complete prude, more so than all my friends.

  If you can believe it, Joe ended up physically fighting with one of the guys over me. We weren’t even dating! It was just a crush! Regardless, I’d started seeing this older guy—which, in retrospect, was crazy because I was very young! It was just while we were there for the month, and he came to my mom’s aunt’s house, where we were staying. He was seventeen or eighteen years old and able to drive there on his Vespa, which I thought was so cool. I remember my mom just saying, “Oh my God!” (If only she’d known the other guy I met was in his twenties.) He ended up writing a letter to Joe and giving it to my mother to send to Joe’s aunt, saying that he wanted to marry me! I swear to God. I couldn’t make this shit up even if I wanted to. I was twelve years old and my mother said, “You are too young for any of this!” Now, thinking about the fact that Gabriella is twelve, I can’t believe it. Madonna mia!

  But this guy, whose name I don’t even remember, wanted to let Joe know that he was staking his claim. That’s what they did back then.

  Obviously it didn’t work out, and Joe was the one who won my heart after all. I never did talk to either of those guys again. I wonder where they are today! It’s so funny to think back on that. It reminds me of how much Joe and I always loved each other, even when we were way too young to be thinking about our future together.

  What I also loved about that trip was the amazing meals we cooked and ate. The food was so fresh there, and everything tasted so delicious. Real, authentic Italian food isn’t like the kind you find in American restaurants, which has a ton of artificial ingredients in it and thick, starchy sauces. We ate homemade pasta, cheese, and sausage. I remember thinking how different it was than what my friends thought of as Italian cuisine. I mean, I grew up eating that kind of stuff at home so, to me, it was second nature (even though it was better in Italy!), but people here don’t get that. That’s why my kids and I love food so much.

  We went to the beach as well. They’re so beautiful, even though they’re made of stones rather than sand. It was an incredible experience, especially because all the people went topless with their barely there Brazilian bottoms. Even the little girls raced around with just bikini bottoms, which was so cute. I kept my top on, as did the rest of my family! I said, “There’s no way I’m showing anyone my boobies!”

  When we got home, I told my friends all about it and they couldn’t believe everything I’d done. They just said, “Wow, you went to Italy for a month?” They were very impressed. I’ll never, ever forget that trip. I’m planning to return next summer with my kids. Now that they’re older, I really want them to appreciate where their nonna, nonno, and their father lived. And they want to go so badly. My father’s brother still lives there, and my dad also has a lot of cousins there. Many of my mother aunts, uncles, and cousins are there, too. Tradition is so important to us.

  That’s why this past summer, once filming wrapped, I was so overjoyed to have the chance to relax and spend time at the Jersey Shore with my kids, like we’ve done many years past. It was no Italian getaway, but that didn’t matter. We used to have a house there before we had to let it go—when we fell behind on the mortgage payments and after the home was damaged badly during Hurricane Sandy, so it was a place that I associated with tons of memories, some positive, some not so positive.

  A lot of my friends have houses at the Shore, so we visited them some weekends. We spent Father’s Day at Joey and Melissa’s house down there with my kids and my parents. We just chilled out, barbecued, and swam in their pool. Everyone got along really well. My girls are very close with Joey and Melissa’s sons and daughter. Then we decided to rent our own place on Long Beach Island for the month of August. It was nice and big and really gorgeous. It was just me and my daughters, and then my parents came one weekend. Sadly, we only used it for about two weeks, going back and forth, because there was so much else going on at home. I also became a member of the lake in our town, so we spent a lot of time there.

  It was the first summer in a long time that I felt like I could really unwind. We went to the beach. We went out to eat. It was easy. I used to love to lie out and tan, but I don’t do that anymore. Now I’m more conservative with the sun. I wear a hat and bring a chair and umbrella. I don’t want wrinkles!

  Joe doesn’t love the beach the way I do—in years past, I would bring all the stuff and he’d end up meeting us there, but not staying the whole time—although I’m sure when he gets out of prison, he’ll have a different perspective!

  Of course I missed being there with Joe; it would have been great for him to be with us.

  Unfortunately, I just had to rely on the memories.

  6

  * * *

  BACK IN THE SWING OF THINGS

  When September rolled around, it was just about time for the kids to go back to school. My feelings are always mixed about this. I love, love, love summer, so I hate saying goodbye to it. In the same vein, after spending more than two months straight with all four girls every day—and no husband to help out!—that year I was definitely ready for them to return to their regular schedule. My children have never gone to camp, because we had a house at the Shore, so we were together nonstop. I’m always thinking of new activities for us to do, like going to the lake or boating. I try to appreciate every minute with them, because things get so busy during the school year. It’s bittersweet for me when summer comes to an end, because I’m running around like a madwoman shopping with each of my daughters individually at the Mall at Short Hills or any other boutiques, like Kids At Heart in Livingston. Obviously, that’s fun for the girls and me. Who doesn’t love to shop?! When Gia was a toddler we used to go to the mall almost every day, often as an indoor activity if it wasn’t nice out. Unfortunately, these days we’re in more of a rush. We have to get all of their supplies, too. It’s a total shit show multiplied by four!

  But before they went back, we took one last weekend on Long Beach Island at the Jersey Shore with my parents. It was so relaxing. We went to the beach and out to dinner. My parents have never been able to get enough of the beach, especially my mom. I must have inherited that from her! When I was growing up, we used to go to the Shore every Sunday and Wednesday—to Sandy Hook and Long Branch. Those were the days my father was off from work, so we would take day trips.

  I remember my parents would make these delicious lunches, with big Italian sandwiches—like prosciutto with cheese, or chicken cutlets—for us to take to the beach. Everything tastes better with the sand between your toes! I have such vivid memories of being hot and hungry and so grateful for my parents’ yummy food!

  That trip reminded me of those days, when I had no worries. No stress. All I had to do was enjoy life. That’s why on September 1, when summer was wrapping up, I posted a selection from a poem called “Hold Fast To Your Dreams,” by Louise Driscoll on Instagram:

  Hold fast your dreams!

  Within your heart

  Keep one still, secret spot

  Where dreams may go,

  And, sheltered so,

  May thrive and grow

  Where doubt and fear are not.

  O keep a place apart,

  Within your heart,

  For little dreams to go!

  I would say I’ve always been a dreamer, which is why the poem inspired me. All my life, I’ve tried to envision what I want to happen. And every time I’ve wanted something really badly I’ve gotten it. The thing is, now
that I’m older, I’m scared. I have more responsibility. I have four mouths to feed and no one to help me do that, at least not for the time being. I don’t have the luxury of just sitting back and fantasizing. What I do need to be doing, though, is envisioning what the rest of my career looks like. What if Housewives goes away? What’s my next step? I don’t want to stop working. I can’t stop working, so I get worried.

  I think this poem reminded me of who I used to be. And it alerted me to the fact that I still have that dreamer inside me, despite the reality that I carry the burden of keeping my family afloat financially and have for many years. I’m a very passionate person by nature, and I do want to build an empire. I’d love to do a swimwear line, bags, shoes, and activewear. I love fashion, and since it’s also my background, I want to keep the momentum going.

  It’s like there are two sides of me—my mom side and my professional side. And since I’d spent the summer focusing on the former, I was ready to amp up the latter. I hate being bored, and I was concerned that with the kids heading back to school and the show not filming that I was going to get antsy. I’m not someone who can sit still and do nothing all day. Even if I’m home alone, I’m always cleaning, organizing, or working out.

  My friend Lisa F. had one final summer party at her parents’ home a couple of days before school started and we all switched gears. It was amazing and a great way to cap off the season. Gia and Milania were there, as were Siggy and a few other friends. The house is insanely gorgeous. It has this huge, elaborate fountain, which we all took a picture in front of. I felt really pretty that day in my pink dress and pink-and-orange hat. Too bad Joe wasn’t around to appreciate it!