Standing Strong

by Teresa Giudice

  I really felt like that was true. I’d never felt closer to my mother, since she died, than on that trip. I’d been to Milan before. In fact, it was my third time visiting. The last time I’d been there, over a decade earlier, I was five months pregnant with Milania. That’s how I got her name. Milan with an “ia” on the end. I’ll never forget how we went to Rome after that, and I walked up more than five hundred steps, all the way to the top of the Vatican, with Milania in my belly.

  After saying the prayers with Siggy, we had one final dinner at the hotel for the last night of the trip. It was really nice.

  Overall, it was one of the best experiences of my lifetime. Just being able to do things like sit outside on the terrace of my hotel room eating breakfast alone was such a treat for me. It’s rare that I get peaceful moments like that on a daily basis or ever really. My life is really hectic, so this felt really special and rare to me. It allowed me to meditate and reflect without interruption. I was able to concentrate on me for a change. A lot of the houses and buildings in Italy have balconies, which reminded me of my mom and how she used to do the same thing when she was growing up in her small town. It was bittersweet, feeling at one with her while, at the same time, missing her so much it made my insides ache. That’s the thing about loss—you never know when and how it’s going to hit you. It just creeps up on you at the strangest times.

  I can’t entirely explain it, but everything felt different while I was in Milan. I felt lighter, more free, more like myself. Everything is so pure and fresh there, like I was saying with the food. In addition to the pasta, I definitely indulged in plenty of gelato, too! Oh my God, I love, love, love gelato. It’s so creamy and delicious, even better than ice cream. My favorite flavors are coffee and pistachio, but don’t get me wrong, I’m a big fan of classic chocolate, too. I wish I could have brought a million cartons of it home with me for the kids! You know what’s really the best, though? The prosciutto. There’s nothing like it. I swear. Again, it’s not at all like the prosciutto we eat in the United States. It’s not processed in any way. None of the food there is. Everything is so natural. The tomatoes are riper, which makes the sauce better. The fruit is juicier, like it just fell off the tree, which it probably did. Everything tastes better in Italy. It really does; I’m not just saying that.

  That’s what my mom was always trying to re-create when she came to America. She bought everything fresh. That’s the way I grew up. I try to do that as often as possible for my own family. It was nice to have that reminder.

  It was nice to have all the reminders. Like how the narrow cobblestone streets made me think about when I was in Italy with my mom as a child. In her tiny little town there were no wide paved roads. There were no highways. There were no SUVs. It was not noisy or congested. Although there are plenty of scooters, like Vespas, zipping around which is awesome! I totally want one of those. I could see myself having a house in Italy one day. It’s a great escape.

  I just allowed myself to soak up all the old-world charm during my time there—from the mouthwatering food and the gorgeous churches with their grand architecture to the quiet, narrow pathways and walking arm in arm with the other Housewives, the same way my mother and father used to. That’s how you do it over there. It’s like going back in time. Sometimes, I felt like I was on a movie set. It’s that breathtaking.

  Not to mention all the cute guys! I love their accents and the way they dress. Italians definitely know how to do it better in every way!

  Even though Milan is a city and obviously much bigger and more bustling than where my parents were raised, it still reminded me of them in so many ways. I was able to speak Italian all the time. There’s something to be said for communicating in another language. It made me feel very at home. It made me feel like I was where I belonged, even if my mother, father, husband, and daughters couldn’t be there with me.

  I would say that my journey to Italy felt more like a pilgrimage of sorts, as opposed to a work trip or a vacation. That’s why I believe everything happens for a reason.

  I was meant to go.

  I was destined to be as close to my mother as I could possibly be. To follow her path.

  Now I know, more than ever, that she’s looking down on me.

  15

  * * *

  HOLY DAY, HORRIBLE NIGHT

  The day I got back from Italy, my father was released from the hospital, and the next day we had Audriana’s First Communion, which is an extremely important tradition in the Catholic faith. It’s a ceremony in church where you receive the Eucharist—a Christian rite that is considered a sacrament. The different elements of the Eucharist, bread and wine (or grape juice!), are consecrated and consumed. First Communion, which is typically received when you’re around second-grade age, is also the third of seven sacraments: baptism, confirmation, Eucharist, penance, anointing of the sick, holy orders, and matrimony.

  The night before the Communion had been pretty intense. I didn’t arrive home until around six o’clock in the evening, so I had just enough time to be with the kids and catch up with them before they ran off to meet with friends and I had to work. My good friend Rosana had flown in from California for the Communion and we’re also developing a show together—separate from Real Housewives—which I’m going to be executive producing. I can’t talk about it yet, but it’s very exciting! So we ended up meeting, even though I was completely exhausted and jet-lagged. We hung out, had a drink, and worked on the show until really late. Then I went to pick up one of my girls from her friend’s house. I didn’t get home until about twelve thirty or one o’clock in the morning. But, that’s my life. There’s very little time for sleep.

  The following morning, the day of the Communion, I was up at seven to get my hair done, even though I didn’t actually start until around eight because my hairdresser was late, which she always is. I was ready to kill her! Audriana, Milania, and I were all getting our hair done by her, and I still had to have my makeup done, too. Thankfully, Gia and Gabriella were able to do their own hair and makeup. This is how it is when you have a house full of girls! We all love, love, love our glam time.

  We had to be at the church by eleven thirty. They had a photographer there to take pictures before everything started at noon. Audriana wore the most stunning white dress, which she designed herself at Little Nikki’s boutique in Ho-Ho-Kus, New Jersey. It was sleeveless and had an enormous puffy white skirt with all sorts of embellishments, like flowers and other overlaid designs. There were also a lot of crystals sewn on, including the whole belt around her waist. She had on white satin gloves with more bling at the wrists and a tiara to match her dress, which had a waist-length veil attached to it. She had on a pearl bracelet and her hair was in the sweetest ringlets. She looked beyond gorgeous. Like a Disney princess! I couldn’t have been more proud.

  I wore cutout white lace pants that had white shorts underneath and a white lace spaghetti strap top by Nicole Miller that I absolutely loved. And we had an amazing cake, which was in the shape of a huge white cross. It had big white flowers on it, edible gold rosary beads with a cross on the end, and piped in gold icing read, “God Bless Audriana 05•13•2017.” There were also chocolate and vanilla cupcakes with white icing lined up on either side. I took photos of Audriana standing next to a portrait of my mother. The entire experience reminded me of her and we knew she was looking down on Audriana with the deepest love and pride.

  Since Joe wasn’t able to be there with us, I didn’t want to do anything fancy. It’s just too difficult to celebrate in a major way when he’s not there to help out. So we kept it low-key and invited immediate family only. It was just me, my daughters, and my dad. Joe’s brother came a bit later, though his sister couldn’t be there since she was out of town for her birthday. Their kids came, as did my mother-in-law. Unfortunately Joey and Melissa also had to miss out because Melissa’s nephew was getting married. Beyond that, it was my friend Rosana and Audriana’s godparents. Dina Manzo is her godmother and our
friend John is her godfather.

  We met John and his family at the beach years ago when Gia and their daughter were only five. They just started playing together and we started talking, and we’ve remained friends ever since. He’s the nicest guy. In fact, we were supposed to go to Puerto Rico with John and his wife and Dina and her boyfriend for New Year’s, but I couldn’t go because of my mom. The nice thing was that they were all able to go together and ended up becoming close with one another.

  Dina is like a sister to me, so when I found out the big news that she and her boyfriend, Dave, had gotten engaged, I was beyond excited! I love, love, love Dave. They’ve been together for about three years, and he’s the greatest guy. They’re really cute together. I was dying when she told me. I’m not kidding. I was so happy when I saw that ring on her finger. She wanted to surprise all of us, so she didn’t even tell me at first. I just saw this big, shiny rock as she was waving her hand in the air and I thought, “Wow, that’s a really gorgeous new piece of jewelry Dina has on. Good for her!” But it didn’t register immediately. I was going to ask her, but then I got sidetracked with who knows what. I have four kids. There is always something going on. There is always someone asking me for something. If I had a penny for every time one of my daughters says, “Mom!” I’d be a zillionaire! So, I swear, I saw the ring, but it didn’t dawn on me that Dave had proposed.

  But then she pulled me aside and said, “Dave and I got engaged!” And I said, “What? When? How could you have kept that a secret from me?” She said, “A few weeks ago, but I really wanted to wait to tell you in person.” I was over the moon for her. You don’t understand, I love, love, love Dina. I really, really love her so much. I think she’s beautiful inside and out and just the sweetest, most authentic person. All I want is to see her happy. She’s been married twice before and it didn’t work out either time, so for her to find this fabulous man is truly a gift. Dina always wanted another child—she has one daughter, Lexie, with her first husband—but I feel like she got cheated out of growing a family further, because her second husband, Tommy, didn’t want to have any more kids. I mean, I met Dina when she was pregnant with Lexie. She just wanted to be married, be happy, have the big family, and entertain her friends. She has such an amazing sense of style and a truly giving heart. I could not be more thrilled for them.

  One might think that her happiness would shine a light on my own difficult situation with Joe, but I’m not petty like that. And that’s how much I love her. She’s always been supportive of me, through my highest of highs and my lowest of lows. That’s what real friends do. Unfortunately, it’s taken me more than four decades to realize that. There are people who will pretend they care for you. There are people who will say they take pleasure in your good fortune and want only the best for you. But you have to watch your back. You have to weed out the fake friends.

  When I went to prison, I learned who the people I could trust were. I also learned who the people I couldn’t trust were. And while my future with Joe may be uncertain at the moment, I was happy with him. I really was. Until all of this happened. I try to look at this as a bump in the road. When I think about Dina and Dave, it makes me grateful for what I had for so many years. She was married to two guys who treated her like shit. I never had to deal with that. Joe was a pretty good husband until he royally fucked up.

  Anyway, it was so wonderful to be with Dina to celebrate her engagement and Audriana’s First Communion. It’s really special to be able to have loved ones surrounding you for these milestones.

  The ceremony was beautiful. All the girls were in white, and the boys were in nice suits. There were about twenty of them and they were so adorable! The priest prayed and called each of them up one at a time to bless them. And then he gave them the Eucharist for them to eat for the first time. It’s a very significant rite of passage. Audriana was beaming.

  After the church, we went to a restaurant nearby and had dinner. In the past, for my other daughters, I’ve done something much splashier. I mean, for the kids’ christenings, I went completely overboard. They were like weddings! But—again—without Joe, my mother, and my father-in-law, it just didn’t feel right.

  Actually, Joe’s brother ended up making a very touching speech saying how he was sure that Joe would have loved to be with us, but that there were circumstances that didn’t allow for that. He also told Audriana how much he loved her and said that he wished his father and my mother could be there with us. A lot of people were crying, including my dad. So then Audriana got very upset and ran off crying, too. Gia and I went after her to make sure she was okay.

  All she could say was that she wished her nonna, her grandfather, and her father could be there. It’s not a walk in the park for any of us. Yet when you’re only seven years old and it’s an important day for you, it’s even harder. Especially because she’s still too young to truly understand why her mother had to leave her for almost a year, and then her father had to go, too. We all try to stay strong. But, on certain occasions that’s easier said than done. And there’s nothing I can say that will make it better.

  Still, despite Audriana being distraught about her father and grandparents, everyone came back to our house and celebrated some more. We sat around drinking and eating cheese and sausage until late into the evening. I don’t know why I even bother hosting events at restaurants! Everyone always comes back to my house anyway. But I didn’t care, because Audriana told me that it was the best day ever, which made me so happy to hear. All I want is for my daughters to be happy and healthy.

  Unfortunately, what I didn’t know is that the night would end in tragedy. Shortly before eleven, after leaving my house about an hour earlier, Dina and her fiancé, Dave, returned to their town house in Holmdel, New Jersey, to find two masked assailants inside. When they opened the door, the guys rushed at them and attacked them. One of them hit Dave a bunch of times with a baseball bat, resulting in a broken nose, and the other punched Dina multiple times, resulting in facial injuries. Then the creeps tied them up and stole cash and jewelry before fleeing the scene. Fortunately, Dave was able to free himself and call the police. I hope they catch those fuckers. They are criminals.

  Dina and Dave live in Malibu but rent the place in Holmdel because Dave’s kids from his first marriage still live in New Jersey. They’d flown into town just to be there for Audriana’s Communion. I don’t even know how anyone found out that they’d be in New Jersey. We didn’t publicize the Communion or even post anything about it on social media until after the fact. I was in total shock when I found out, which wasn’t until Sunday night—twenty-four hours later—and even then I didn’t believe it. I got a call from one of my friends—not one of the cast or former cast members—who said, “Somebody broke into a New Jersey Housewife’s home.” I said, “What are you talking about?” And she said, “In Holmdel, New Jersey. I just heard something about it on the news.” I said, “That doesn’t make any sense. None of the Housewives live in Holmdel.” So I didn’t think anything of it. Dave’s ex-wife and kids live in Colts Neck, New Jersey, which is about ten minutes away from Holmdel, but I still didn’t put two and two together. I didn’t even know they were renting a town house there or where exactly they were staying that night. It never, ever occurred to me that it could be Dina, especially since she was no longer a Housewife.

  The following morning, Monday, my lawyer, Jim, called me first thing and told me exactly what had happened. I freaked out! I mean, I literally went crazy. All I could think about was how she’d just told me that she and Dave were engaged and how happy they’d looked at Audriana’s Communion. I knew that she was planning to be with her mom on Mother’s Day—the day after the Communion—and that she was going to tell her the amazing news then. That’s why I didn’t talk to her on Sunday. I felt like she was going to have that special time with her mom, and I wanted to give her the space she deserved. And then I knew she had reservations to fly back to Malibu on Monday. I just figured we’d catch up about her up
coming wedding and other details when she got home.

  When I heard from Jim, I was so heartbroken. I called Dina immediately, but she didn’t answer. Then I called Dave, and he didn’t answer, either, so I left a message saying, “Call me!” I was frantic. Thank God he called me right back and explained exactly what had happened. I said, “Is it true?” And he said, “Unfortunately, yes.” He told me they’d been tied up, that Dina had been punched in the face, and that he’d been hit over the head with a baseball bat. He said they had no warning. The guys were there waiting for them when they got home. It was a very quick conversation because his lawyer was beeping through on the other line and he had to speak to him. I was just so relieved to hear his voice.

  A little while after I spoke to Dave, Dina called me. She was still in the hospital and was hysterical. She was crying so hard. She just kept saying, “I got punched.” I felt devastated for her. I said, “I am so, so sorry. I love you.” I would have visited her in the hospital if there was time, but they were released right after that, and they took the first flight back to California. They wanted to recover in the comfort of their own home. Who could blame them? Malibu is very healing for her. She loves living there and being removed from all the drama in New Jersey. I swear to you, if I hadn’t been in the midst of filming the final episodes of the next season, I’d have been out there with her. I felt so awful that I couldn’t go there immediately and help take care of her. She’s been such a good friend to me and it was frustrating that I couldn’t take the time to be there for her in person. Fortunately, Dina’s daughter flew out to see her. I texted Dina and she texted me back saying she was doing okay, all things considered. Then I texted Dave and said, “I love you guys. Just checking in.” He texted me back, “We love you too.” That made me feel a little bit better.