Standing Strong

by Teresa Giudice

  I told Dina that since summer is so short here, I’ll visit her in the fall. I want to go out there for a week in September and take the kids out of school when they have a couple of days off.

  The scary thing is that what happened to Dina and Dave could happen to anyone. I mean, is anyone really safe? Am I safe? Are my kids safe? When I told Joe what had happened, he was devastated, too. He’s known Dina for a long time, and he’s always loved her. He said he wants me to get an even better security system than the one we have. And he’s absolutely right. We have a big gate and a stone wall and an alarm, but my house isn’t a fortress. It’s not Fort Knox. These crooks are smart, and if they can break into other people’s homes, banks, jewelry stores, and things like that, who knows if they could break into my house? It’s terrifying to think of when I have four young daughters and my elderly father living with me. I’m responsible for all of them. Not to mention that I’m on television, which makes me a target.

  Ever since Dina’s break-in, I’ve felt very nervous and jittery. Dina told me that she’s scared now. She doesn’t want to be afraid, but how can she not be? Someone violated her space and then attacked her physically. There’s no way to forget that. She’s walking on eggshells. She’s looking around every corner. She’s aware of who’s in front of her, who’s next to her, and who’s behind her. When something like this happens, suddenly you feel like people are following you or out to get you. You lose faith and trust in everything you thought you knew. Even though, thank God, I didn’t go through what Dina did, I can understand that on some level. She doesn’t know who she can depend on.

  With Joe gone for three years, I do get scared in the house sometimes. I do worry about what would happen if someone tried to get to me or, even worse, my daughters. That’s what husbands are for! To make you feel secure. But, listen, Dave was with Dina, and there was nothing he could do to save either of them. The terrifying thing is that these criminals carry guns and knives and baseball bats! They don’t care if they hurt you, because all they want is money and loot. I mean, why couldn’t they have just tied them up and robbed them? Why did they have to inflict bodily harm? It seems so unnecessary.

  It’s horrible to even think about, but I have no choice because I’m the only person in charge of keeping my family safe while Joe’s away. And that’s a big burden to bear.

  My heart goes out to Dina and Dave and all their loved ones. What happened to my friends was an unspeakable tragedy that I will never forget. I only thank God that they’re okay. It could have been so much worse.

  I know she’s going to get through this. Dina has always been there for me, and now I’ll do the same for her. Healing doesn’t happen overnight, but she will get there. And I’ll do everything in my power to help her mend.

  16

  * * *

  HONORING MOM

  Mother’s Day 2017 did not start out happy for me, my brother, or my father. Joey said he woke up crying, whereas my dad and I didn’t want to think about it at all. It had been just two short months since my mom left us, and we still felt so raw. There’s really no way to explain how that kind of loss takes over your life. You want to move on, yet at the same time you don’t, because you don’t want to forget the sound of the person’s voice or the expressions they made. You don’t want to forget how their skin felt or even how they smelled. There are so many things you take for granted when your loved ones are still alive. Like the fact that I used to be able pick up the phone at any hour of any day and call my mother about anything—from a funny story about the kids I wanted to tell her to a bigger problem I was having with work or with Joe. She was my sounding board.

  Most days, there’s so much going on and life is so hectic, that it’s easier not to dwell on it. But when there’s a holiday devoted entirely to a celebration of motherhood, it’s impossible not to think about her.

  Don’t get me wrong, I love thinking about my mother and remembering her and how wonderful she was. Sometimes, I’ll sit and look back at recent photos of her with me, my dad, and the girls, or even older pictures of me and Joey from childhood. My mom was so beautiful and full of love that it gives me strength. She was the best role model I could have ever asked for. I strive to be the kind of mother to my kids that my mom was to me, and I hope that my daughters feel like they can look up to and count on me the way I did with my mom. I hope they call me a million times a day when they grow up. A strong mother-daughter relationship is truly a gift.

  Even though my mother is no longer here on earth with us, I know she’s still looking down on us and guiding us. I feel her presence and talk to her all the time.

  While I wasn’t as excited to celebrate Mother’s Day for myself this year, I knew it was important to the kids. That’s why I kept my emotions about my mom at bay and pushed through for my daughters. That’s what a good mom does—she puts her children first—as my mom always did.

  So I got up bright and early to go pick up Gabriella at seven thirty from a sleepover she’d had at a friend’s house, because my father wanted to go to the cemetery to visit my mom at eight sharp. He also wanted to go out and buy me flowers, which he and Gabriella did together as soon as she got home. I thought that was so cute and sweet! Poor kid was exhausted because she’d stayed up really late with her friend and had then woken up very early to come home to be with me. That’s what my kids are like. Really thoughtful and heartfelt.

  When they gave me the flowers I was so taken aback. I said, “Oh my God! You didn’t have to get me anything!” I guess I didn’t expect it because I wasn’t in the mood to celebrate and I didn’t want to upset my dad. Once my dad gets going on my mom, he really works himself up and, with his touch-and-go health, I don’t need him getting worked up! But my dad was able to put his feelings about my mom aside and focus on the fact that it was still Mother’s Day for me and for his granddaughters, which I thought was amazing. He’s the best father and nonno in the whole wide world! After that he went to visit his sister to wish her a happy Mother’s Day, too. Like my mother, my dad is a very selfless and compassionate person. I try to teach those values to my girls.

  Once my dad got home from his sister’s house, Audriana was so excited about her Holy Communion the day before that she said, “I can’t wait to have the host again!” The host is the consecration of the bread. And the bread and wine symbolize the separation of Jesus’s body from his blood at Calvary. Basically, she wanted to go right back to church again, which I thought was so beautiful. So I said, “Okay, let’s go!”

  Around twelve o’clock Gia, Gabriella, Milania, Audriana, my father, and I went to church. I got very emotional while we were there because they sang the Ave Maria, which is what they sang at my mom’s church on the day of her funeral. They had this unbelievably talented singer, who sounded like she could be in the opera. Her voice was incredible, and I just lost it. I couldn’t stop thinking about my mom. Everything I’d been bottling up from Audriana’s Communion the day before and all morning just came rushing out. At one point, Audriana looked at me and said, “Mommy, are you crying?” And then she gave me a hug. My dad was crying, too. I could see him wiping his tears, even though he wasn’t sitting next to me. I didn’t want to look at him, because I knew that would make it harder for both of us.

  After church, we all went to the cemetery, because only my dad and Gabriella had gone in the morning. You can’t bring fresh flowers to a mausoleum, so instead I brought Audriana’s Communion photo. It was a card with her picture on it, and then when you opened it up, the menu from the restaurant we ate at that night was inside. I wanted my mom to see that. So we left it for her on the table right by where she’s buried.

  Once we’d all wished my mom a happy Mother’s Day, we came home and had our Italian dinner as we always do on Sundays. My father had gotten up really early to make the sauce, which he’d put beef and oxtail bones in for flavor. We also had salad, meatballs, cavatelli, and braciole, which is meat rolled up with parsley and garlic. It’s so delicious!r />
  Gia gave me a gorgeous Swarovski crystal case for my cell phone, and the younger girls always make stuff for me at school. Milania bought me a beautiful plant, which we planted outside in our garden. Gabriella wrote me this beautiful note, which had me bawling when I read it:

  Happy Mother’s Day to the most strongest woman I know out there. I’ve grown up to be the great kid you’ve raised me to be. You mean the world to me even if I don’t appreciate it sometimes but I want you to know that I’m so grateful to have the best mother in the world. I wouldn’t be where I am in life without the help of you. You’re an inspiration to me in every which way possible. ♥♥XOXOX

  And Audriana did this spectacular project, where she took every letter of the alphabet and wrote something about me with all sorts of different colors and drawings of flowers, hearts, and rainbows. I couldn’t believe how amazing it was and how much thought went into it. It must have taken her forever! She’s only seven! Here are a few of the letters.

  A is for always

  You always make me feel better and be kind and respectful. And you always be nice to me.

  B is for beautiful

  You are beautiful because your hair is always pretty and your face is so pretty and you always have pretty clothes.

  C is for caring

  You show you care about me when I fall or if I cry you’ll always help me and you are so nice and kind.

  D is for dear

  You are dear to me because you are never mean to me

  E is for encourage

  You always encourage me to do good on my competitions and gymnastics

  F is for fun

  We have fun together when we have mommy and daughter day and when we get ice cream.

  G is for grateful

  I am grateful for you because you’re the best mom ever and if another person was my mom I would run to your house and give you a big hug. Mommy you’re as sweet as candy!!!

  T is for tough

  Sometimes I have to do hard things and you help me through. Something tough you have helped me with is my homework and taking me to dance and gymnastics.

  U is for understand

  Whenever I have a problem I know you will understand. I appreciate you when you help me and when you never yell at me and when you don’t yell at my sisters.

  V is for very

  You are very important to me because I always want you to be on my side and you are the best mom in the world.

  W is for wish

  You are so special to me. If I had one wish for you I would want you to never go on vacation because I can’t take it because I’m too far from you.

  X is for xoxo

  Hugs and kisses I send your way.

  Y is for years

  Many more years that I want to spend with you.

  Z is for a zillion

  A zillion times you have shown your love to me.

  And that wasn’t all! She also crafted three colorful “cell phones” out of paper. She made up questions that I would ask her and then wrote in the answers that she would give. She made it look like text messages between us. It was so creative! Here’s what they said:

  Hi, sweetie!

  Hi Mom I LOVE U

  Do you know what my real name is?

  Yes Teresa

  How old do you think I am?

  36

  How much do you think I weigh?

  100 something

  If we could spend one whole day together, what would we do?

  Mommy and daughter

  What am I as pretty as?

  A flower

  What wouldn’t you trade me for?

  All the fidget spinners in the world.

  What is my favorite color?

  Green

  What is my favorite place to shop?

  Robyn’s Closet

  What am I the best at making?

  Pasta

  Of course I especially enjoyed the fact that she said I’m thirty-six! That’s my girl! Oh, and the fact that she wouldn’t trade me for all the fidget spinners in the world is hysterical.

  When all was said and done, even though I didn’t think it was going to be the happiest day—with my mother gone and my husband gone in a different way—it ended up being great.

  I guess the moral here is that family is the most important thing. It’s what I revolve my life around. And when I’m surrounded by those who are closest to me, there isn’t an obstacle or a tragedy that’s insurmountable.

  AVE MARIA

  Ave Maria

  Ave Maria

  Vergin del ciel

  Virgin of the sky

  Sovrana di grazie e madre pia

  Sovereign of thanksgiving and loving mother

  Accogli ognor la fervente preghiera

  Accept the fervent prayer of everybody

  Non negar

  Do not refuse

  A questo smarrito mio amor

  To this lost person of mine, love

  Tregua nel suo dolor!

  Truce in his pain!

  Sperduta l’alma mia ricorre a te

  My lost soul turns to you

  E piena di speme si prostra ai tuoi pie

  And full of repentment, humbles at your feet

  T’invoca e attende la vera pace

  It invokes you and waits for the true peace

  che solo tu puoi donar

  that only you can give

  Ave Maria

  Ave Maria

  Ave Maria, gratia plena,

  Ave Maria, full of thanksgiving

  Maria, gratia plena

  Maria, full of thanksgiving

  Maria, gratia plena

  Maria, full of thanksgiving

  Ave Ave Dominus

  Ave Ave God

  Dominus tecum

  Your God

  Benedicta tu in mulieribus,

  Be blessed among the women,

  et benedictus

  and blessed

  et benedictus fructus ventris

  and blessed be the product of your womb

  ventris tui, Iesus.

  your womb, Jesus.

  Ave Maria

  Ave Maria

  17

  * * *

  ANOTHER BIRTHDAY, A NEW VENTURE, AND A VISIT TO PRISON

  When I woke up on the morning of my forty-fifth birthday—just four days after Mother’s Day—I was not happy. Even though I felt so much younger than my age, I still hated getting older. What woman doesn’t?

  Not to mention that it made me think about my mom and how she was taken away from us at such a young age. It’s so unfair.

  I’m not typically too enthusiastic about my birthday anyway, but with Joe and my mother not there, I was even more bummed out than usual.

  What I also found out that day was that my luggage had been broken into on our way home from Italy. I didn’t notice until I started unpacking that someone had stolen my favorite Chanel shoes and a gorgeous silver Yves Saint Laurent bag that was very expensive. How fucked-up is that? The next time I travel I’m not taking anything nice! I’m bringing cheap shoes. I don’t care. It’s bullshit! Of course I know it’s only stuff, but it still pissed me off. The last thing I needed was to have someone rifle through my bags—even though I have no idea who did it.

  On top of that I had to pay a visit to my probation officer. Doesn’t that sound like a fantastic gift?

  But before that I had to get my kids off to their various schools and go through our whole morning routine. The girls were excited for me, which was nice. They all said, “Happy Birthday, Mom!” and gave me hugs and kisses. That I love, love, love, especially when I’m feeling down. There’s nothing in the world that can brighten my spirits faster than my daughters. It’s amazing how strong they are. It hasn’t been an easy couple of years for any of us, and they always find a way to push through.

  Once the kids were off, I fought through rush-hour traffic to meet my lawyer, Jim, in Newark. There was also a graduation going on, so it took me an
hour to find a parking spot. I hate that! I was so annoyed and frustrated. I mean, who the hell wants to go see their probation officer on their birthday? Not me. But I had no choice because, unfortunately, I got two traffic tickets. And whenever you have an encounter of any kind with the law, you have to report it. I’d told Jim about them, but when the tickets never came in the mail, we didn’t think there was anything to report. We were wrong.

  I’d gotten one of the tickets when I was in New York City the previous September heading to the American Girl store to celebrate Audriana’s seventh birthday. I was in the right lane, so I could turn right, but I didn’t realize you weren’t supposed to turn right from there. There are so many rules and regulations in Manhattan that I’m not familiar with. I really didn’t know. I swear. It was a total mistake, but it was still stupid. The cop was literally standing on the street and just pointed at me to pull over. I was shocked because I had no idea that I’d done anything bad. It seems like that’s always how it is for me.

  The other time, I was in New Jersey, and I had my cell phone in my hand while driving. I wasn’t even using it, so I don’t know why I was just holding it! I was with my father, so I can assure you I wasn’t texting or speaking to anyone. My dad doesn’t go for that crap. He thinks it’s ridiculous that people are even allowed to talk on the phone in the car, namely the driver. He’s very old-fashioned that way, which is good, because I want my daughters to learn that safety is important above anything else. Whatever you have to tell someone can wait until you get where you’re going!

  So, anyway, I got pulled over. Twice. I don’t know if the cops recognized me either time. I think some do and some don’t, but I never say anything like, “I’m famous.” Or, “I’m on television.” I know there are actors who’ve done that sort of stuff and it didn’t go well for them. I don’t need any more trouble!

  As soon as we got in to see my probation officer, it was a pretty easy experience. It was just a two-second thing. Thank God. All I had to do was sign a piece of paper and then he reminded me of the rules, which I thought I already knew. He said, “Next time call.” And I said, “Okay, I will.” I’m all about doing everything right, now. I’ll be so happy to finally be done with probation on February 4, 2018. Most other people who are incarcerated for a similar crime get a year, but I got two years, which means I’ve had to stay in the United States if I want to travel. That’s why we went to Puerto Rico for vacation.