Standing Strong

by Teresa Giudice

  Fortunately, I did get permission to leave the country to go to Italy because it was for work, so that was fine. You can do anything for work. They just want to make sure you don’t flee the country, which isn’t an issue for me. Where am I going to go? I have four kids, an ailing father, and a husband in prison! I’m definitely not a flight risk. Madonna mia!

  Still, being forced to see my probation officer on my birthday just made me think harder about the future—for me and for my kids. We’ve come through so much and we’re so much stronger for it. I really do hope we’ve put the worst behind us. The kids are doing so well. They’re more independent than they ever were before—that’s for sure. And they’re definitely more empathetic and sympathetic human beings, too. I think sometimes it takes enduring your own stuff to extract you from the ideal world you were living in. Or the ideal world you thought you were living in. It allows you to realize that everyone has their shit, and a lot of it is even crappier than yours. Ya know? Obviously I’d never wish our struggles on anyone—adults or children—but those struggles have changed both me and my girls for the better in many ways. That’s not to say they didn’t have to handle some horrible things, you understand? I’m just making the point that we’ve been able to learn from the past and now we’re looking toward the future as a result of what’s happened. The kids are more responsible. They don’t take as much for granted as they used to, which is huge, because it’s easy to get spoiled when you have everything on demand. Believe me, I know. And they also recognize that life isn’t perfect. They know that people can go through difficult times and come out okay—maybe even better for it. They all want to pay it forward in life, which is pretty amazing when you think about what the alternative could have been.

  I’m just relieved to finally feel like a lot of the negative is behind us. That said, while we have been to hell and back, I don’t know that I’ll feel completely settled until Joe gets home and is situated in his own life and career. That’s when I’ll feel like I can really relax and be totally positive about everything. But I try not to think about that. I put all of my efforts into focusing on the good things that are happening for all of us. The girls are excelling in everything that they do. And I’m finally at a point where I can turn my efforts toward growing a lifestyle brand for myself.

  As I said, I’m determined to build a Teresa Giudice empire. I know I can do it if I put my mind to it. I’m starting to make inroads into creating lines of shoes, clothing, exercise gear, and accessories. Also bathing suits and cover-ups. I love, love, love swimwear so that would be perfect for me. Everyone keeps telling me I should do a children’s line, too. I’m really into that, because I shop with my four daughters constantly. If there’s anyone who knows kids’ apparel, it’s me, for sure! I’d also love to branch out into things for the home, such as decor and whatnot. That’s what’s on the horizon for me. I want to be the next Martha Stewart. Margaret Josephs said she’d introduce me to the right people, since her company does a lot of the same stuff I’m hoping to do. I’m really looking forward to that. There are so many avenues to pursue, and I’m beyond ready and motivated.

  I’m telling you, this is going to be huge for me. I just want to keep working. That’s my thing now. I want to keep going and doing more and more and more. I see myself starting a number of businesses. But I’m going to be smarter about it than I have with things in the past. If I decide to partner with someone, for example, I’m going to make sure that they’re the right partner. If there’s one thing I’ve learned it’s that you always have to dot all your i’s and cross all your t’s, especially when it comes to your career. You have to be thorough and aware. Your eyes always have to be open. I used to trust everyone, but I know I can’t do that anymore. That’s how you get taken advantage of.

  I also want to write more books, maybe even a lifestyle book, because I love entertaining and everything that goes into that. I like decorating the house for special occasions and holidays, and I love doing a gorgeous table in different colors and themes—with china and nice silverware. It comes naturally to me. It’s like breathing. And there’s nothing I enjoy more than playing hostess. That’s how I grew up. We always had people over. We had an open-door policy with friends and family to come over and eat and drink with us. That’s still how we live our lives. The kids always invite friends over, and so do I. The more the merrier! My parents taught me that, and now I’ve passed that on to my own girls. And obviously I also inherited my passion for amazing food and cooking from my mother and father. It’s part of who I am. Listen, I didn’t grow up with a lot of money, but we always had good food on the table and everybody gathered around. That was a top priority ahead of fancy things. So I can definitely see incorporating all that into my brand moving forward. In order to be authentic and to get people to invest in you, I believe you have to have a true passion for what you’re doing and have the true life experience to back it up. Otherwise people will realize that you’re a fraud, which I’m definitely not. I’m as real as they come!

  That’s why I’m so, so excited about a brand-new restaurant that my brother and our family launched in East Hanover, New Jersey, called Gorga’s Homemade Pasta & Pizza. Right after I met with my probation officer, I went home and started getting ready for the grand opening with my glam squad. This is a snippet from a piece that ran on nj.com about the restaurant. I thought the first line was really funny!

  On “Real Housewives of New Jersey,” star Joe Gorga has certain, shall we say, retrograde notions of a woman’s place (the kitchen). But that apparently doesn’t extend to business, because he’s the man behind a new Italian restaurant that has opened in East Hanover.

  Gorga’s Homemade Pasta & Pizza is at 360 Route 10 West in East Hanover, and, according to an online job posting for [the] restaurant, it will “specialize in bringing the delicious versions of our family’s favorite Italian dishes to you.”

  I don’t know why it didn’t mention that our whole family is involved. I mean, Joey does own it, but all of us are pitching in to help out. What’s so special is that it’s a tribute to our late mom. My brother told People magazine, “My mother loved to cook; it was like her drug. I always told her I was gonna open up a restaurant for her. Then I got busy. While I signed a contract on this place we lost her. So this is for her.” That made me want to cry. We loved her so much, and she would have been so proud of the restaurant and the fact that it’s something that brings us all closer together. She was all about family, family, family. That’s why it really hurt her when Joey and I were fighting. She liked it when everyone was getting along and really tight-knit, which we are now. Thank God!

  Anyway, the menu is full of really fresh Italian dishes that my mom used to make—everything from scratch. We want to share her food with the world. Some of the dishes are named after family members, which is really cool. There’s “Nonna’s Meatballs,” “Papa’s Baked Mussels,” “Melissa’s Harvest Salad,” “Joey’s Chopped Salad,” “Audriana’s Rock Shrimp Arrabiata,” “Antonia’s Chicken Francese,” and “Gia’s Chicken Milanese,” among others. A few of the recipes are even in my cookbook Fabulicious. We’re also selling jars of our homemade pasta sauce—marinara, vodka, and garlic oil—there and on our website. It’s so delicious! I use it every Sunday for our Italian dinners at home.

  The opening was a huge success, which was awesome! It was so crowded. We were supposed to get tents outside, because the restaurant space is very small, but it didn’t work out and it didn’t matter. We didn’t even need them. We served homemade pasta, which we were making right then and there. It really was such a fun party. I wore an amazing red lace, spaghetti strap dress by Stylestalker. I loved the way I looked and felt that night. Sexy and pretty all in one. We were filming for the show, too. Extra came, so we did a scene with them. It ended up being a ninety-degree day, but, thankfully, we had air-conditioning. Everybody said the food was so yummy and that they had the best time. It’s officially open for business now, so I hope peop
le come and visit us! I promise it’s worth it—you will not be disappointed.

  And, if this restaurant does really well, which it will, because I always try to think positive thoughts, then the next one will be even larger. I would love to open them up nationwide—possibly in Las Vegas and Los Angeles to start. Then, who knows? Maybe we’ll launch them overseas eventually. I like to think big! That’s how my mind works.

  I think Joey would like to do that, too. Right now what he does for work is very stressful. He buys apartment buildings and fixes them up. That’s what my husband used to do, so I know that there are so many deadlines and there’s so much pressure. I could see him leaving the construction business to own and oversee a bunch of restaurants one day. Melissa is supportive of the restaurant, but it’s not her thing. She likes running her clothing shop, Envy, which I believe is going pretty well. Honestly, I don’t really shop there that much because the storefront is out of the way for me.

  I’d be thrilled to be involved in the restaurants, though! When Housewives comes to an end, I could totally see doing that instead. Why not? As I said, I love food and I love to cook. I’m hoping this venture will be lucrative for all of us. Fingers crossed!

  Before Joe left for prison, the two of us were planning to buy a restaurant in Morristown, New Jersey. We went to go look at it and everything, but the thing was, we were going to do it with Rino Aprea, who used to be on the show. He and my husband are very close, and he’s already in the restaurant business, so Joe wanted to learn everything from him. When you open a restaurant, you often do it with a partner, because it’s a tremendous amount of work. Unfortunately, Rino thought it was too much to take on, especially with Joe going away for so long. Also, the property was very expensive.

  But back to my birthday . . .

  After the opening, I went up the street with a few girlfriends to have a drink. It was late, so we just sat around and talked. To be honest, I wasn’t really into it. The only way I can explain it is that it takes a lot for me to have fun these days. It’s hard for me to let loose, because I have so many personal issues to deal with. And I just have too much on my mind right now, which makes it difficult to relax. I know once everything is settled, then I’ll feel more comfortable having a good time.

  I did celebrate with my family the day before, so that was pretty nice. My dad made pasta for dinner and steak pizzaiola, which is my absolute favorite. It was me, my dad, and my kids. Joey and Melissa came over a bit later, too. Melissa got me the ugliest zebra print cake. I was like, “You’re kidding me, right? I put you in charge of this one thing and this is what you get?” Then she joked, “You, me, and desserts just don’t go good together,” in reference to the sprinkle-cookie incident. I don’t know. Usually she’s got great style, just not when it comes to something for me. She didn’t get me a gift, either. Whatever! I got plenty of stuff from my friends.

  Siggy gave me a Louis Vuitton scarf, which I thought was so sweet of her. Margaret got me two pairs of exercise leggings. And Danielle said she had something for me, too. As far as my other friends, one got me a candle, one got me flowers, and one got me Prosecco. They know me so well!

  The Saturday night after my birthday was Siggy’s fiftieth. I took my dad with me as my date. I wore a silver sparkly Herve Leger bandage dress, which was gorgeous. Everyone was told to wear white, black, or silver. Siggy looked so beautiful in a shimmery silver dress with fringes at the bottom. She definitely does not look fifty years old!

  It was only me and Dolores from the cast, and my friends Lisa G. and Lisa F. came, too. Siggy met them through me and now they’re friends, which I love. The event was held at the Coliseum in White Plains, New York. We snacked on appetizers, sipped cocktails, and there was a DJ, so we danced all night. The space was pretty big, so it didn’t seem jammed, which was perfect for me. I don’t like a big crowd. The only negative thing was that there were a lot of speeches. I kept thinking, Oh my God, how many fucking people are going to say something? I think at events like that you have to keep the speeches to a minimum and, if you are going to get up and say something, you should try to keep it brief. But there are a lot of people who love Siggy and they wanted to tell her (and everyone else!).

  Even though I wasn’t in the mood to party and I wanted to get home to my kids, I went for a few hours because I adore Siggy. I had as good of a time as I could. Again, because I have a lot going on, my mind is always spinning. It’s hard for me to focus on having fun. I like everything to be perfect.

  But, it isn’t. At least not yet. Even when I’m out at an event or a celebration, like Siggy’s, I can’t stop thinking about how I have to pay taxes. And how all I want is a clean slate. I feel like people don’t get that about me. There’s a constant pit in my stomach when things are unsettled. Don’t get me wrong, I try to put on a happy face every day, but it takes a lot for me to really let my hair down. Also, I’m not a big drinker. I certainly didn’t want to get drunk. That’s not my style.

  Plus, I knew that the next day I was going to visit Joe and I wanted my head to be as clear as possible for that. At this point, he’d already been in jail for fourteen months, which was longer than the whole time I was there, and he had a couple of more years to go, which was hard to believe. There was still so much I had to deal with and figure out with him gone. I hadn’t seen him in a number of those months and his birthday was two days away (the day after I was going to see him), so I knew I needed to do it. The show filmed us driving there. Milania and Audriana came in the car with me. Gabriella had a soccer game, so she couldn’t go. And Gia went with my brother because she didn’t feel like being filmed, which is understandable. It was also the first time that Joey was going to visit Joe, so she wanted to ride with him. Melissa didn’t come. I’m pretty sure she hasn’t filled out her paperwork to get permission. I’m also pretty sure that Joe doesn’t give a shit. He has a huge family, so he really doesn’t need to see her anyway. And, believe me, Melissa would not be able to tolerate prison, even if she was just in there for an hour!

  To tell you the truth, I was actually a little bit excited to visit Joe, despite the fact that returning to prison brings back so many negative memories of my time there. Even though I’m pissed as hell, I do still miss him at times. I think that’s natural. He is my husband after all. Supposedly for better or for worse, right?

  We pulled up to the entrance, and I actually felt nervous! In part because of the undesirable memories but also because I truly couldn’t wait to see him—even I was a little surprised by that. After we went inside, they brought us to the room where you sit with the inmates, and I was so happy to see Joe. I kissed him, and the girls ran up and kissed him and hugged him. It’s complicated because Audriana doesn’t entirely understand what’s going on, but she was just so thrilled to see her father that she didn’t care. Oh, the innocence of youth!

  I was shocked by how much Joe had changed! And let me tell you, he looked so friggin’ good. He got this side comb-over haircut that I’d told him to get, because I’m very into hair. He just looked really, really hot. I even emailed him after to say, “I can’t wait for you to be in my bed again,” which he obviously liked hearing. His body is so hard—Oh My God! He’s lost so much weight. Too bad there aren’t conjugal visits! I really can’t wait for him to come home, if only for that reason. Regardless of how I feel, a girl still has needs! And, regardless of what the tabloids are saying, I am not cheating on my husband. I never have. Not once. And I never will.

  Another thing that happened—and this was where he’d changed beyond just his physical appearance—was he told me that he was sorry. We talked about it while I was there and I said, “You always blame everybody else. You’ve never really said it was your fault and that you’re sorry about what actually happened and everything that came after that.” And he replied, “Teresa, I took responsibility. I’ve been writing emails telling you how sorry I am. But you’re right. I’ve never said it directly to your face, which I should have.” I really ap
preciated that, even though it doesn’t fix what happened. It took a lot for him to go there, and to have that acknowledgment with him looking into my eyes felt real. For the first time.

  He even admitted it to Gia, Milania, and Audriana, which was most important to me, even if the younger two didn’t completely get it. He said, “Yeah, I should’ve been on top of things more and I wasn’t. I’ll never let that happen again. I promise.” That made me feel a little bit better about everything. I told him in no uncertain terms that when he comes home he has to be aware of what’s going on with our finances. He has to read every piece of paper that his accountant gives him with a friggin’ magnifying glass. And, no matter what, he has to pay all our taxes on time. I said, “I don’t want any of that shit to ever happen again. I plan to read every single thing you put in front of me with a fine-toothed comb. You understand?” He may look amazing, but that doesn’t change the way I feel about what he did to us.

  Listen, no matter how you slice it, prison is a nightmare—for the person who’s in there and for all the family members left behind. Even though Joe’s at a minimum-security facility, it’s still awful. When we visit, there are a lot of people around. You have to go sit in this big room—it’s a lot more spacious than the one where I was—and there are a lot of other inmates with their families. People recognize me and say hello to me, but you’re not really supposed to talk to other people’s families, so that’s tricky to navigate. It was the same when I was away. I don’t like to talk to anybody else anyway—it’s uncomfortable and awkward. So, you just sit there and chat. And you can hug and kiss, although I’m not really into too many public displays of affection. The kids, however, were all over Joe. They were literally hanging on him like he was a tree. It was nice to see that. No matter how I feel about Joe, I want the girls to feel good about him, which they do. I don’t want them to hold any resentment in their hearts toward him. That’s extremely important to me, because I know he never meant to hurt them. That’s the last thing he would ever want to do. The girls are everything to him. They were really happy to see their father. And they were even happier that he told them he’d made a mistake—not Mommy—and that it would never, ever happen again.