Uncle John's Ahh-Inspiring Bathroom Reader
Page 23
“In 1988, Tom DeLay (R-Tx.) explained to reporters his lack of service in the Vietnam War, despite being eligible and healthy. ‘So many minority youths had volunteered,’ he claimed, ‘that there was literally no room for patriotic folks like myself.’”
—online columnist, Ted Barlow
Bad news/good news: Friday the 13th comes at least once every year, but never more than three times a year.
SNL PART II: ON THE AIR
Lorne Michaels had all of the ingredients for Saturday Night, now he had to figure out how to mix them together. (Part I is on page 79.)
BARELY CONTROLLED CHAOS
The scheduled air date for the first episode of NBC’s Saturday Night was October 11, 1975. Just about every-one—from the executives to the crew—didn’t see the show lasting an entire season…except for Lorne Michaels. He reassured his worried cast and writers on the 17th floor that their grandchildren would be watching reruns of the first episode in history class. But no one was convinced. And the chaos of the final week leading up to the premiere didn’t help matters.
By the time Saturday rolled around, Michaels had no lighting director (he had fired two already); the antiquated sound system had broken down; and instead of the brick wall they were promised for a backdrop, they had a ton of uncut bricks piled in the middle of the floor.
While Michaels was busy ordering script changes and settling various arguments, Ebersol brought news that the network had ordered the show’s celebrity host, George Carlin, to wear a suit and tie—the embodiment of everything Saturday Night was against. (Carlin compromised by wearing a sport coat with a T-shirt underneath.)
THE FIRST SKETCH
A lot of thought went into the best way to begin the show. Michaels wanted people to know from the get-go that they were seeing something different. His solution: Begin with a “cold opening.” When the clock struck 11:30 p.m., viewers were pulled immediately into a sketch featuring Michael O’Donoghue and John Belushi as, respectively, professor and student.
O’Donoghue: “Let us begin. Repeat after me. I would like…”
Belushi (in a thick foreign accent): “I would like…”
O’Donoghue: “…to feed your fingertips…”
Belushi: “…to feed your feengerteeps…”
O’Donoghue: “…to the wolverines.”
Belushi: “…to thee wolvereeenes.”
This goes on for a few minutes until O’Donoghue clutches his heart and keels over. Belushi sits there, shrugs, then grabs his heart and keels over. The puzzled audience is left hanging for a moment, and then Chevy Chase enters wearing a stage manager’s headset. He looks at the two figures lying on the floor, then breaks out into a big grin and says to the camera: “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
…every year, but never more than three times a year.
The show didn’t go off without a hitch, but despite a few miscues, they had pulled it off—within the allotted budget—a feat that impressed the skeptical NBC brass.
SHOCKING COMEDY
The ratings for the first few episodes were considerably better than those for Tonight Show reruns (although still not enough to pull in major advertising dollars), while the initial reviews were a bit mixed. But a big boost came from the highly touted TV critic Tom Shales:
NBC’s Saturday Night can boast the freshest satire on commercial TV, but it is more than that, it is probably the first network series produced by and for the television generation.…It is a live, lively, raucously disdainful view of a world that television has largely shaped. Or misshaped.
Younger viewers agreed. Here was a show that actually made fun of television. Dick Ebersol referred to it as “the post-Watergate victory party for the Woodstock generation.”
As much as kids loved the show, grown-ups hated it. Johnny Carson echoed a lot of aging comedians’ views when he described the Not Ready For Primetime Players as a bunch of amateurs who couldn’t “ad-lib a fart at a bean-eating contest.” It was a completely different brand of comedy than they were used to. Comedians like Bob Hope and Milton Berle made their audience comfortable, then made them laugh. By mocking the establishment, Saturday Night made some viewers uncomfortable. Just to make fun of politicians in general wasn’t enough, this new show singled out specific politicians, particlularly presidents, and ridiculed them. All of a sudden, the revolution was being televised.
“I’M CHEVY CHASE AND YOU’RE NOT”
The first season belonged to Chase. Because he anchored “Weekend Update,” he got to say his name every week, and he was the only one who did. The show opened without naming any of the cast, so Chase’s tagline, along with his clumsy portrayal of President Ford, thrust him into the spotlight. He alone was nominated for an Emmy Award and then was named “heir apparent to Johnny Carson” by New York magazine. The other cast members were jealous—especially Belushi—creating an intense air of discord backstage.
The Bayer Aspirin Company trademarked the brand name Heroin in 1898.
But it didn’t matter. Chase left shortly into the second season to pursue a woman (he married her) and a movie career in Hollywood. He later called his departure one of the biggest mistakes of his career. Michaels, on the other hand, realized that the show had an amazing potential to make stars, so he added the cast members’ names and pictures to the opening credits. Meanwhile, ABC’s Saturday Night Live was canceled, so Bill Murray was available to replace Chase in 1976.
SECOND SEASON SUCCESS
The ensuing season saw the cast, writers, and crew start to really come together. Recurring characters like the Coneheads and the Bees (which Belushi always hated) were quickly becoming household names. Catchphrases like “Jane, you ignorant slut” and “No Coke, Pepsi!” were becoming part of the national lexicon.
In the first season, Lorne Michaels had to search long and hard for willing hosts and musical guests; in the second season, they were calling him. When stand-up comedian Steve Martin first watched the show in a hotel room, he was blown away. “They did it,” he said to himself. “They did the show everyone should have been doing.” And then he made it his goal to be a part of it, which he did in the second season. He has since gone on to host SNL more times than anyone else.
HIGH TIMES
Another part of the show’s success: drugs. “From the beginning,” say Hill and Weingrad, “grass was a staple of the show, used regularly and openly.” Cocaine was also used, although by fewer people and behind closed doors. One of SNL’s early masterpieces, a sketch called “The Final Days” that chronicles Nixon’s downfall, was written by writers Al Franken and Tom Davis while they were on LSD. Drugs found their way into the sketches, too, something that some cast members, most notably Chase—who once demonstrated the proper way to “shoot up”—would later regret. But it was just this kind of humor that made Saturday Night so popular with the youth culture.
Percentage of (dead) people who were cremated in 1975: 7%. In 2000: 26%.
THE BLUES BROTHERS RULE
By 1977 Belushi and Aykroyd were the show’s big stars, and they often flexed their muscles by threatening to quit if they didn’t get their way. Meanwhile the women—Radner, Newman, and Curtin—were feeling alienated by the drugged-out and sexist behavior of the men. Michaels was running himself ragged trying (unsuccessfully) to keep everyone happy, while Ebersol was under constant pressure from the network to curb the controversial subject matter.
In 1978 Chase hit it big with his movie Foul Play. Aykroyd and Belushi knew that movie careers were waiting for them as well and left after the fourth season to make The Blues Brothers. Instead of replacing them, Michaels hired only one new cast member, comedian Harry Shearer (who, years later, would add his vocal talents to The Simpsons).
FEATURED PLAYERS
In his quest to find the next big star, Michaels devised a billing called “featured player.” Because they didn’t have full cast-member status, he didn’t have to pay them as much. He tried out band member Paul Shaffer
(of David Letterman fame), writers Al Franken, Tom Davis, and Don Novello (Father Guido Sarducci), as well as Brian Doyle-Murray (brother of Bill), and Peter Aykroyd (brother of Dan). The result: A disastrous 1979 season.
Bill Murray and Gilda Radner, who dated on and off during SNL’s previous years, now couldn’t stand each other. In fact, Murray couldn’t stand anything about the show—the writers, the cast, his parts—and spent most of his time launching tirades. Laraine Newman and Garrett Morris were both battling depression, drug addictions, and the realization that Hollywood didn’t want them. Lorne Michaels was also exhausted, and when contract negotiations broke down for a sixth season, he quit.
Things looked bad for Saturday Night Live. Could it get worse? Turn to page 309 for Part III of the story.
The footprints on the moon will last forever… or until a meteor hits them.
SMARTY PANTS
Random comic quips from some of today’s best comedians.
“My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands. Two of them were just napping.”
—Rita Rudner
“I celebrated last Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.”
—Jon Stewart
“I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.”
—Steven Wright
“I’m paranoid. On my stationary bike I have a rear-view mirror.”
—Richard Lewis
“The guy who invented the hokey-pokey just died. It was a weird funeral. First, they put his left leg in…”
—Irv Gilman
“Two guys walk into a bar. You’d think one of them would have seen it.”
—Daniel Lybra
“I used to work at the unemployment office. I hated that job because when they fired me, I still had to show up at work the next day.”
—Wally Wong
“When I was a kid, I couldn’t wait for the first snowfall. I would run to the door and yell, ‘Let me in! Let me in!’”
—Emo Philips
“Doesn’t Prince Charles look like somebody kissed a frog, and it hasn’t changed all the way?”
—Wendy Liebman
“Dogs hate it when you blow in their face. I’ll tell you who really hates that, my grandmother. Which is odd, because when we’re driving she loves to hang her head out the window.”
—Ellen DeGeneres
“During the summer I like to go to the beach and make sand castles out of cement… and wait for kids to run by and try to kick them over.”
—James Leemer
Q: Who is Africa’s largest private-sector employer? A: Coca-Cola.
WHAT’S ON EBAY?
It’s a game of virtual cat and mouse: smart alecks put crazy items up for auction on eBay and eBay pulls them off the site. Here are a few of our favorites. (The winning bids are at the end.)
ITEM: A date
DESCRIPTION: “With our co-worker Brady!!! He drives a Miata!!!”
OPENING BID: 50¢
ITEM: Frog purse, made from a real frog
DESCRIPTION: “Be the first person on your block to own a coin purse made out of most of a frog. Rest assured, you’ll never be asked for spare change again.”
OPENING BID: $1
ITEM: A picture of my butt
DESCRIPTION: “I’m a sexy guy from Florida, you know you want this, you pay shipping if out of USA.”
OPENING BID: 75¢
ITEM: The right to legally represent a plaintiff in a lawsuit over a piece of “tainted” string cheese
DESCRIPTION: “A strand of hair is completely embedded in the cheese cylinder.”
OPENING BID: $500
ITEM: One pound real Arkansas Civil War dirt
DESCRIPTION: “100% guaranteed to be from the Civil War era. Comes with certificate of authenticity if desired.”
OPENING BID: $1
ITEM: “Stuff I found in my couch about an hour ago”
DESCRIPTION: Includes one pack of Big Red gum, one machine-threaded screw, 80¢ in change, two rubber bands—“one needs a little restoration.”
OPENING BID: 80¢
Human kangaroo: Australian athlete Tom Morris once skipped from Melbourne to Sydney, covering 1,264 miles in 28 days
ITEM: The sun
DESCRIPTION: “Own your very own ball of incredibly hot gas! Payment in cash only. Buyer collects.”
OPENING BID: $10 million
ITEM: Pocket lint
DESCRIPTION: “Trust me, you don’t want this.”
OPENING BID: $12
ITEM: “Put a tattoo on my forehead for one year”
DESCRIPTION: “You must be asking why I would allow someone to tattoo my forehead. My wife and I would like to pay off our car and other bills, plus have enough money left over so I could attend school.”
OPENING BID: $33,200
ITEM: Bridal wedding gown
DESCRIPTION: “Very soiled and spotted.”
OPENING BID: 99¢
ITEM: “Semi-new” teriyaki vegetables and rice snack
DESCRIPTION: “M’mm. After I finished preparing the snack I realized I wasn’t so hungry anymore.”
OPENING BID: 25¢
ITEM: WWII novelty Hitler pincushion
DESCRIPTION: “Stick the pins in his butt. A great collectible!”
OPENING BID: $1
ITEM: Francis D. Cornworth’s virginity
DESCRIPTION: “I figured with the latest eBay craze, I’d see exactly how much I could get for my virginity. I live in Miami, FL. If you live in Florida, I could probably meet you halfway up to Orlando. Otherwise you’ll have to arrange to meet me.”
OPENING BID: $10
ITEM: “My conscience”
DESCRIPTION: “I’m selling it, ’cause I don’t want or need it.”
OPENING BID: $5
ITEM: Melissa’s booger—fresh from the pickin’!
DESCRIPTION: “Comes straight from the nostril to your home in less than two days. Free shipping.”
OPENING BID: 1¢
ITEM: Muhammad Ali’s broken-jaw X-ray
DESCRIPTION: “Used to determine the extent of his injuries following his bout with Ken Norton.”
OPENING BID: $9.99
ITEM: Set of 50 “antique” prosthetic eyeballs
DESCRIPTION: “Lifelike detail; the veins in the eyes are stunning!”
OPENING BID: $50
ITEM: The raft Elian Gonzalez’s family used to flee Cuba
DESCRIPTION: “A genuine piece of American history…sure to be a big moneymaker!”
OPENING BID: $20
ITEM: Cadaver bag
DESCRIPTION: “This bag is new, never used. I would have to be a sick freak to sell these used.”
OPENING BID: $15
WINNING BIDS
Brady: $6.19
Frog purse: $5.50
Butt picture: $1
String cheese: No takers
Dirt: $2.75
Couch stuff: $3.06
The sun: No takers
Pocket lint: $10 million
Tattoo: No takers
Wedding dress: $15.50
Teriyaki snack: No takers
Hitler doll: No takers
Virginity: $10 million
Conscience: No takers
Booger: 1¢
Ali’s X-ray: $255.01
Bag of eyeballs: $613
Elian’s raft: $280 (minimum not met)
Cadaver bag: $15
Diet fact: a 5-ounce serving of fish is about the same size as your checkbook.
TWIST ME A DIZZY
Does dealing with death and destruction on a daily basis make men loose with language? Apparently, yes. Here are a few colorful examples of wartime slang.
EGG BEATER
Helicopter. (Korean War)
GIVE A DIRTY ORB
To give a dirty look. (World War II)
CEILING WORK
High-altitude planes protecting airmen at lower levels. (World War I)
BOOM-BOOM GIRL
Prostitute. (Vietnam War)
HOT SKINNY
Rumors about important things. (Vietnam War)
LATRINE TELEGRAM
A rumored report. (World War II)
PLUTONIUM WINE
Moonshine brewed on a nuclear submarine. (Cold War)
BRAIN BUCKET
A helmet. (Korean War)
BONE JAR
Meaning “hello,” a corruption of the French bonjour. (World War I)
MESSY BUCKET
“Thank you.”
From the French merci beaucoup, “many thanks.” (World War I)
AGONY WAGON
Ambulance. (WWII)
DEEP KIMCHI
In serious trouble. Kimchi is a Korean cabbage dish. (Korean War)
DINKY DAU
Crazy. From the Vietnamese dien cai dau, “ridiculous.” (Vietnam War)
BEHAVIOR REPORT
A love letter reply. (World War II)
SMOKE A THERMOMETER
To have your temperature taken. (World War I)
BOTTLED SUNSHINE
Beer. (World War II)
BOUGHT GUTS
Courage inspired by too much bottled sunshine. (World War II)
TWIST A DIZZY
To roll a cigarette. (World War II)
COMPLETELY CHEESED
Extremely bored. (World War II)
APPLESAUCE ENEMA
Mild and gentle criticism of a subordinate so he feels less “chewed out.” (Vietnam War)
BIG PICKLE
The atomic bomb. (Korean War)
Most-requested care package item by U.S. troops in Saudi Arabia: toilet paper.
THE ANT AND THE PIGEON
A fable is a story with a moral. Here’s one that comes from Africa.