Uncle John's Ahh-Inspiring Bathroom Reader
Page 24
One day an ant found a grain of corn and decided to take it home. He held it very tight and hurried as fast as he could, so that nothing would take the grain of corn from him.
There was a pond on the way home. The ant had forgotten about the pond, and he fell into it, corn and all. The corn slipped from his mouth and went to the bottom of the pond. The ant managed to stay on top of the water and struggled to find a place to get out. He began to fear that his strength would be exhausted before he could get out and that he would drown.
Suddenly a pigeon came down to the pond to drink, and when she saw the ant putting up a desperate struggle, she decided she would help the little fellow. She took a long, dry piece of grass and dropped it so that it fell near the ant. He climbed onto the grass and soon got out. The ant took a long breath and then he thanked the pigeon for saving him.
There was a boy near the pond with a bow and arrow. He was creeping up nearer and nearer to the pigeon. The ant saw what was happening and ran as fast as he could. Climbing up the boy’s leg, he gave him a hard bite. The boy dropped his bow and arrow and cried out. The pigeon saw the boy and flew away to safety.
Each had saved the other. When the pigeon saved the ant, she didn’t know that the ant would save her life in such a short time. If the pigeon had left the ant in the water, the boy with the bow and arrow would have killed her. Each was happier because of what they did for each other.
The Bura people say, “Every person is another’s butter.” Just as a big person can do something for a small one, so too can a small person do something for a big one.
According to one survey, 46% of Americans say their car is the most important thing in their lives. 6% say their children are most important.
DID THE PUNISHMENT FIT THE CRIME?
They don’t give judges awards for creativity—but maybe they should. Do these guys deserve a prize? You be the judge.
THE DEFENDANT: Edward Bello, 60, a vending machine repairman and small-time crook
THE CRIME: Conspiracy to use stolen credit cards, with which he racked up more than $26,000 in charges
THE PUNISHMENT: Federal District Court Judge Alvin K. Hellerstein sentenced Bello to 10 months of home detention… with no TV. The tube-free environment would “create a condition of silent introspection that I consider necessary to induce the defendant to change his behavior.” Despite a 30-year history of committing petty crimes, Bello has never spent a day in prison and says he’s grateful to the judge for sparing him from the slammer one more time. But he’s appealing the no-TV sentence anyway, claiming that it’s a form of censorship and violates his First Amendment rights. “Let’s face it,” he says, “a television is sort of like your umbilical cord to life.”
THE DEFENDANT: Albert Brown, a repeat drug offender in San Francisco, California
THE CRIME: Selling drugs to an undercover cop
A NOVEL APPROACH: Rather than decide the sentence himself, Judge James Warren of San Francisco handed Brown one of his judicial robes and told him to put it on. “This is your life,” he told Brown. “You are your own judge. Sentence yourself.”
THE PUNISHMENT: Brown, in tears, gave himself six months in jail. Then, according to news reports, he tacked on a “string of self-imposed conditions such as cleaning himself up for his kids, and steering clear of the neighborhood where he got busted.”
“The Probation Department recommended six months and a good lecturing,” Judge Warren told reporters. “But I figured, I’m not that good at lecturing. He, on the other hand, was very good at lecturing himself. And maybe this time it will stick. I had the transcript typed up and sent over to him. Just in case he forgets.”
…thing in their lives. 6% say their children are most important.
THE DEFENDANT: Alan Law, 19, of Derwent, Ohio
THE CRIME: Disturbing the peace by driving through town with his truck windows rolled down and the stereo blasting
THE PUNISHMENT: Municipal Court Judge John Nicholson gave Law a choice: pay a $100 fine or sit and listen to polka music for four hours. Law chose facing the music. A few days later, he reported to the police station and was locked in an interview room, where he listened to the “Blue Skirt Waltz,” “Who Stole the Kishka,” “Too Fat Polka,” and other hits by Cleveland polka artist Frankie Yankovic. Law managed to sit through it and has since abandoned his plans to buy an even louder stereo for his truck.
THE DEFENDANT: A youth in the Wake County, North Carolina, Juvenile Court (names of juvenile offenders are sealed)
THE CRIME: Burglary and theft
THE PUNISHMENT: Judge Don Overby sent the miscreant home to get his most-prized possession. The kid returned with a remote-controlled car, which he handed over to the court. The judge then took a hammer and smashed it to smithereens. Judge Overby has done this with other first time offenders as well. He says he got the idea after someone broke into his house and stole his CD player, his VCR, and $300 in cash. “I remember wishing these folks could feel the same sense of loss as I did,” he says.
A BRAINTEASER
Question: You are competing in a race and overtake the runner in second place. Which position are you in now?
Answer: If you answered that you’re now in first place, you’re wrong. You overtook the second runner and took their place, therefore you’re in second.
The cheetah is the only member of the cat family that cannot retract its claws.
THE REST OF THE UNITED STATES
America is more than just 50 states. You may be interested to learn that the United States owns some interesting real estate.
STATES OF THE UNION
All told, the United States owns a dozen “territories” and two “commonwealths.” The definitions of both terms are a little vague but they have a few things in common: All of them are under the jurisdiction of the United States, which means the U.S. government controls their trade, foreign relations, immigration, citizenship, currency, maritime laws, declarations of war, legal procedures, treaties, radio and television regulations, and other such areas. Residents have fundamental rights under the U.S. Constitution, and U.S. citizens don’t need a passport to go to there.
Residents of the commonwealths (Puerto Rico and the Northern Mariana Islands) and the inhabited territories (Guam, the U.S. Virgin Islands, and American Samoa) have a bit more in common:
• They have elected local governments, similar to those of states, but commonwealths are semi-autonomous, with a constitution and more control of their internal affairs than territories.
• They don’t vote in federal elections.
• They elect non-voting delegates to Congress.
• They don’t pay federal income tax (no taxation without representation).
• They do pay Social Security taxes.
• They are eligible for welfare and other federal aid programs.
• They are served by the U.S. Postal Service and have their own zip codes.
• Residents of Puerto Rico, the Northern Mariana Islands, Guam, and the U.S. Virgin Islands are U.S. citizens. Residents of American Samoa are considered U.S. nationals, not citizens.
• English is the official language (although some have a second or even third official language as well).
• The official currency is the U.S. dollar.
With that simplified explanation in mind, here is a list of America’s island outposts.
Twenty-four U.S. states do not allow first cousins to marry each other.
COMMONWEALTHS
Puerto Rico
Location: Between the Caribbean Sea and the North Atlantic Ocean, east of the Dominican Republic Size: 3,500 square miles
Population: Four million
Background: Columbus “found” this island in 1493, on his second voyage to the New World, and claimed it for Spain. He named it San Juan Bautista. When Ponce de Leon conquered it in 1509, it was inhabited by the Taino, descendents of Amazonian Indians who had migrated into the Caribbean. Most of the Taino were decimated by
European diseases and mistreatment; the rest were enslaved and forced to work on sugar plantations. A recent genetic study showed that a surprising number of Puerto Ricans carry Taino blood, suggesting that many natives were assimilated.
Spain gave Puerto Rico to the United States in 1898 following its defeat in the Spanish-American War. (In the same deal, the U.S. got Guam, bought the Philippines, and won independence for Cuba.) The island became a territory of the United States in 1917. Seeking more autonomy, Puerto Ricans voted in 1951 to become a commonwealth.
Northern Mariana Islands
Location: North Pacific Ocean, between Hawaii and the Philippines
Size: 180 square miles
Population: 75,000
Background: The Northern Marianas are 14 islands in a 500-mile chain. Only the three southernmost islands of Saipan, Tinian, and Rota are developed. (There’s a Wal-Mart, a McDonald’s, and a Pizza Hut on Saipan.)
The native Chamorros, probably descendants of migrants from Malaysia, first encountered Europeans in 1521 when explorer Ferdinand Magellan stopped by on his round-the-world voyage. Spanish missionaries and merchants showed up in the 1600s and dominated the Chamorros for the next three centuries.
Since becoming pope, John Paul II has performed at least three exorcisms.
In the early 20th century, control of the islands went from Spain to Germany and then to Japan. The Americans took the islands from the Japanese in one of the bloodiest battles of World War II. It remained a U.S. territory until 1975, when the people of the Northern Marianas voted to become a commonwealth.
Today the Chamorros are about 30% of the population. About half the population—Filipinos mostly—are nonresident aliens connected to the huge garment-making industry. And the Japanese are back—as tourists spending nearly half a billion dollars a year.
INHABITED U.S. TERRITORIES
Guam
Location: North Pacific Ocean, between Hawaii and the Philippines
Size: 212 square miles
Population: 158,000
Background: Guam is the 15th island in the chain that includes the Northern Marianas.
Guam was also discovered by Magellan in 1521 and formally annexed by Spain in 1565. It was ceded to the United States by Spain in 1898, at the end of the Spanish-American War. The Japanese occupied it in 1941; the U.S. retook it three years later. A U.S. military installation dominates the island, with more than 23,000 military personnel and dependents. About half the population are Chamorros; 35% of the population are under the age of 15. Guam is currently seeking commonwealth status.
U.S. Virgin Islands
Location: Caribbean Sea and the North Atlantic Ocean, east of Puerto Rico
Size: 136 square miles
Population: 122,000
Background: This island paradise comprises three islands—St. Thomas, St. John, and St. Croix—as well as numerous smaller islets.
Columbus came across the larger archipelago in 1493 on his second voyage to the New World and named it the Virgin Islands, in honor of the 11,000 virgin followers of St. Ursula. During the 17th century, the islands were divided into two territorial units, one British and the other Danish. The British possessions were called the Virgin Islands; the Danish part was called the Danish West Indies.
First food product permitted by law to have artificial coloring: Butter. (It’s really white.)
The largest slave auctions in the world took place on St. Thomas. Sugarcane, produced by slave labor, drove the islands’ economy in the 18th and early 19th centuries. And it was a shopper’s paradise, as the Danes allowed Blackbeard and other pirates to openly sell their stolen treasures on the streets of St. Thomas.
Because of its strategic importance for control of the Caribbean basin and protection of the Panama Canal, the United States purchased the Danish portion in 1917 for $25 million in gold and renamed it the U.S. Virgin Islands. For clarity, the U.K. appended “British” to its territory (BVI for short).
Today tourism accounts for 70% of the islands’ economy and employment, with two million visitors a year.
American Samoa
Location: South Pacific Ocean, between Hawaii and New Zealand
Size: 76 square miles
Population: 67,000
Background: Settled around 1000 B.C. by Polynesians. The first European to visit the islands of Samoa was Dutch sea captain Jacob Roggeveen, in 1722. The islands became a strategic stopover for whalers and South Sea spice traders.
Germany and the United States divided the islands between themselves in 1899. Germany was driven out by New Zealand during World War I. Western Samoa gained independence in 1962.
The U.S. part, American Samoa, is composed of five islands and two coral atolls, including the deep-water harbor of Pago Pago.
Although the Samoans embraced Christianity when the first missionaries showed up in the 1830s, in many ways they have maintained their traditions better than other Pacific islanders. Nearly all land is owned communally, and there is a social hierarchy that stresses one’s responsibility to the extended family. However, Samoans have become heavily dependent on U.S. aid and imports. They spend about 40% of their income on imported food.
But wait, there’s more. Check out page 459 for all of the uninhabited U.S. territories (just in case you ever want to get away from it all).
Strawberries got their name because the plant “strews” its runners across the ground.
“BOOK ’EM, DANNO”
Here are a few more of our all-time favorite TV catchphrases.
Catchphrase: “Ayyyyy.”
From: Happy Days (1974–84)
Here’s the Story: Arthur “The Fonz” Fonzarelli (Henry Winkler) was not originally intended to be the “cool” character; Potsie was. The Fonz was added as a “bad influence” to give the show more of an edge. But Winkler’s hip-yet-sensitive portrayal, along with his trademark leather jacket, thumbs up, and “Ayyyyy” had such screen presence that ABC started working him into more and more storylines, making sure he got at least one “Ayyyyy” in each episode. By 1977 Winkler’s billing had gone from closing credits to fifth, and finally to second. When Ron Howard left the show in 1980, Winkler was given top billing. ABC almost retitled the show Fonzie’s Happy Days.
Blast From The Past: Check out the scene in Pulp Fiction where the hit-man Jules (Samuel L. Jackson) is trying to calm down the diner robbers he’s terrorizing: “Let’s all be good little Fonzies. And what was Fonzie like?” he asks. One of them sheepishly answers, “Coo-ol.” “Correctamundo!” says Jackson.
Catchphrase: “Two thumbs up.”
From: Sneak Previews (1975–80), renamed At the Movies (1980–)
Here’s the Story: “Thumbs up” has been a symbol of approval since Roman times. But “two thumbs up” means a whole lot more to the movie industry. Gene Siskel and Roger Ebert, film critics for rival Chicago newspapers, worked together for 24 years before Siskel’s death in 1999. Their opposite tastes in movies assured moviegoers that if both of these guys liked the movie, chances are you would too. Filmmakers also took note of the growing popularity of the phrase; they watched the show each week, hoping their latest project would get two thumbs up. If so, it was plastered all over movie ads. Why? Because “two thumbs up” means big box office. If not…well, have you ever seen a movie advertised that got “one thumb up”?
Of the 850 different species of bats in the world, only three drink blood.
Catchphrase: “De plane! De plane!”
From: Fantasy Island (1978–84)
Here’s the Story: At the beginning of each episode, the vertically challenged Tattoo (Herve Villechaize) shouted this phrase to alert his boss, Mr. Roarke (Ricardo Montalban), that “de plane” was coming. The phrase did so much for Fantasy Island that in 1983 Villechaize asked for the same salary as Montalban. Instead, he was fired. Ratings dropped off dramatically and the show was cancelled after the following season. In 1992 Villechaize turned up in a Dunkin’ Donuts commercial asking for �
��De plain! De plain!” donuts.
Catchphrase: “Resistance is futile.”
From: Star Trek: The Next Generation (1987–94)
Here’s the Story: This line actually made its television debut on the British TV serial Dr. Who. Its more recent use by the Borg, aliens out to assimilate humans, made it a household phrase. It has even become a response to the growing power of corporations and governments. A political cartoon in the late 1990s showed a Borged-out Bill Gates declaring, “We are Microsoft. We will add your biological and technological distinctiveness to our own. You will be assimilated. Resistance is futile.” And now a new bumper sticker is showing up that says, “Resistance is not futile.”
Catchphrase: “Book ’em, Danno!”
From: Hawaii Five-O (1968–80)
Here’s the Story: Even though Hawaii Five-O ran for 12 years, more people today remember this catchphrase than the show itself. When he caught the bad guy, detective Steve McGarrett (Jack Lord) would smugly utter this line to his assistant Danny “Danno” Williams (James MacArthur). To say the phrase is a part of pop culture is an understatement: a 2002 Internet search found more than 1,000 entries for “Book ’em, Danno!”
“Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, ‘You’re only interested in one thing,’ and you can’t remember what it is.”
—Milton Berle
The automated baggage handler at Chicago’s O’Hare Airport can sort 480 bags per minute.
THE LEGEND OF LINCOLN’S GHOST
Here’s a trivia question you can use to win a bet: Who was the first president to claim he saw
Lincoln’s ghost? Answer: Lincoln himself.
BACKGROUND
Take America’s “royal residence,” the White House; examine tales of hauntings that have surrounded it for nearly two centuries; and add Abraham Lincoln, an odd president who believed in the occult and was murdered while in office, and you have the recipe for America’s most famous ghost story.