Uncle John's Ahh-Inspiring Bathroom Reader

by Bathroom Readers' Institute

  • According to legend, shortly after Lincoln was elected to his first term in 1860, he saw a double image of himself while gazing in a mirror at his Illinois home. One was his normal reflection, the other a pale double. Mrs. Lincoln didn’t see the second image but was convinced that it was a sign. The sharper image, she said, represented Lincoln completing his first term; the other was a sign that he would be reelected, but would die before completing his second term.

  • As Lincoln began his first term, the nation was on the verge of the Civil War. In the midst of trying to reunify the divided country, Lincoln faced a terrible personal tragedy—his 11-year-old son, Willie, died from a fever in 1862. A grief-stricken Mrs. Lincoln conducted séances in the hopes of contacting the boy. Although the skeptical president never participated in the séances, historians say his wife’s belief in the supernatural may eventually have rubbed off on him.

  • Lincoln suffered restless nights filled with nightmares and premonitions of his own death. He once told his wife about a dream where he was asleep, then was woken by the sounds of someone crying. He went to the East Room and found the source of the sobs: mourners and a casket. He asked a woman, “Who died?” “The assassinated president,” she told him. Lincoln walked over to the casket and saw himself inside.

  • Several months later, on the morning of April 14, 1865, Lincoln called an emergency meeting of the Cabinet and delivered a cryptic message: “Expect important news soon. I have had a dream,” he told them, “I am on a boat, alone in the ocean. I have no oars, no rudder. I am helpless.” That evening, while attending a play at Ford’s Theater, Lincoln was shot from behind by John Wilkes Booth; he died the next morning at 7:22 a.m.

  Vampire slayer? King Tut had garlic bulbs buried in his tomb with him.

  RESTLESS SOUL?

  Parapsychologists define ghosts as “people who died with unfinished business”—and Lincoln certainly fits the bill. The Confederacy had surrendered only five days before Lincoln’s assassination, but the United States was in disarray. The economy of the South had been decimated by the war; hatred and animosity were rampant. Lincoln’s plans for repairing the nation were cut short by his murder. As a result, does Lincoln’s ghost still roam the halls of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue? Many subsequent residents and visitors have been convinced it does.

  REPORTED SIGHTINGS

  The Teddy Roosevelt White House (1901–1909)

  “I think of Lincoln, shambling, homely, with his strong, sad, deeply furrowed face, all the time. I see him in the different rooms and in the halls.” Skeptics maintain that this quote by President Roosevelt was taken out of context. But believers in the spirit world say that Roosevelt was speaking literally—that he actually saw Lincoln’s ghost.

  The Coolidge White House (1923–1929)

  Calvin Coolidge’s wife, Grace, claimed she saw the tall figure of Lincoln “at the window in the Oval Office, hands clasped behind his back, gazing out over the Potomac River, perhaps still seeing the bloody battlefields beyond.”

  The FDR White House (1933–1945)

  • While sleeping in the White House, Queen Wilhelmina of the Netherlands was awakened one night by knocks at her bedroom door. When she answered it, the former president was standing before her. The queen fainted. When she came to, the ghost was gone.

  • For a time, the Lincoln Bedroom was Eleanor Roosevelt’s study, and the First Lady claimed she could feel the presence of the former president. “Sometimes when I worked at my desk late at night I’d get a feeling that someone was standing behind me. I’d have to turn around and look.”

  • A few years later in the same room, a seamstress was working on the drapes and kept hearing the sound of someone approaching the bedroom door, but no one ever came. She found a White House butler and asked him why he kept pacing back and forth. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he said. “I haven’t been on that floor. That was Abe.”

  • Winston Churchill, a frequent guest during World War II, had an “eventful” night in the Lincoln Bedroom. He was found the next morning sleeping on the floor of the room across the hall. He told no one what had happened that night and vowed never to set foot in the Lincoln Bedroom again.

  The Ford White House (1974–1977)

  Gerald Ford’s daughter Susan was so sure she felt Lincoln’s ghost in the White House that she wouldn’t set foot in the Lincoln Bedroom, either.

  The Reagan White House (1981–1989)

  • The most prominent modern sighting comes from yet another presidential daughter, Maureen Reagan, along with her husband, Dennis Revell. One night while in the Lincoln Bedroom, they both saw “an aura, sometimes red, sometimes orange.” According to Reagan, it was the ghost of Lincoln.

  • Just as mysterious is the fact that the Reagan’s dog Lucky would never enter the Lincoln Bedroom. She would, however, stand in the hallway and bark at something inside.

  The Clinton White House (1993–2001)

  “A high percentage of people who work here won’t go in the Lincoln Bedroom,” said President Clinton’s social secretary, Capricia Marshall. According to Marshall, many White House maids and butlers swear they’ve seen Lincoln’s ghost.

  Q: What is hexanol? A: The stuff that gives freshly mowed grass its smell.

  Need time off? Move to Italy. On average, Italians get 42 vacation days every year.

  OOPS!

  More tales of outrageous blunders to let us know that

  other people are screwing up even worse than we are.

  POOR JUDGE OF TASTE

  “British magistrate Hector Graham was about to pass sentence in his courtroom in Luton, England, when his musical tie, a gift from his wife, came to life. ‘He had got to the part about how serious an offense it was when all of a sudden “Santa Claus Is Coming to Town” started up,’ a court spokesman said. ‘He didn’t have a clue how to stop it and was extremely embarrassed, especially because after that, it went into two more Christmassy songs and finished with “We Wish You a Merry Christmas.”’”

  —This Is True

  I BEG YOUR PARDON?

  “A hospital patient fainted when given the news that she was to be discharged that day. She thought the nurse had said, ‘We’re sending you home to die.’”

  —Daily Telegraph

  MAN OF CONVICTION

  “The Republican Party mistakenly invited Robert Kirkpatrick to a $2,500-a-plate fund-raising dinner with President Bush. The mistake? The invitation, complete with a letter from Vice President Dick Cheney, was sent to him at the Belmont Correctional Institution in Ohio. The letter invited him to ‘join the president and Mrs. Bush for a private dinner here in Washington, D.C.’ Kirkpatrick, 35, was serving three years for drug possession. ‘Tell him that I’d be happy to attend,’ Kirkpatrick said, ‘but he’s going to have to pull some strings to get me there.’”

  —Associated Press

  THANKS A LATTE

  “Ethem Sahin was playing dominoes at the local coffeehouse in Ankara, Turkey, when a cow fell through the roof, knocking him unconscious. ‘My friends told me later what happened. I couldn’t believe it,’ Sahin told reporters. What had happened? Apparently, the cow had wandered from the hillside where it was grazing onto the roof of the coffee house, which was built into the side of the hill. Sahin was treated for a broken leg. ‘May God protect us from a worse accident,’ said Sahin’s wife.”

  —Bizarre News

  Domestic cats can run as fast as 31 mph—about 6 mph faster than humans.

  G THAT WAS STUPID

  “MSNBC has apologized for a typographical error that turned the name of an interview subject into a racial slur. The network aired an interview with Republican political consultant Niger Innis. The onscreen graphic identifying Innis, who is black, had an extra ‘g’ in his first name.

  “Shortly after it appeared, correspondent Gregg Jarrett offered Innis a ‘profuse apology.’ ‘It’s not the first time it’s happened,’ replied Innis, ‘but hopefully it’s the la
st.’”

  —SFGate

  WHAT A GAS

  “A German man attempted suicide by turning on the gas to his stove but then reconsidered, called police, and nearly blew himself up when he lit a cigarette to calm his nerves.”

  —“The Edge,” The Oregonian

  JUST ADD WATER

  “Firefighters in Minot, North Dakota, were worried they might need gas masks—but it turned out they should have brought ’Nilla Wafers. Emergency responders scrambled to a report of a leaking railroad car. Initial reports said the leak was strychnine—a deadly chemical. But it turned out to be tapioca pudding mix.”

  —KXMC News

  PLANK YOU VERY MUCH

  “A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist toward the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Until that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.”

  —Associated Press

  The Roman word for secretary meant “one who keeps a secret.”

  BEHIND THE HITS

  Ever wonder what inspired some of your favorite songs? The answers may surprise you.

  The Artist: The Beatles

  The Song: “Come Together” (1969)

  The Story: In 1969 Timothy Leary intended to run for governor of California against a B-movie actor named Ronald Reagan. One of Leary’s battle cries was “Come together,” and he asked his friend John Lennon to write a song based on it for the campaign. By the time Lennon got around to it, Leary’s campaign was dead (he had to drop out when he was convicted of marijuana possession).

  Lennon liked the phrase, though, and decided to build a song around it anyway. He loosely based it on the old Chuck Berry tune, “You Can’t Catch Me.” He even left in the line, “Here come old flat-top.” Other than that, it’s nothing like the Berry song, but because Lennon admitted to borrowing the line, Berry’s publisher sued him. The settlement: Lennon agreed to record two Chuck Berry songs on his 1975 solo album, Rock N Roll. Written and recorded in a single session at the studio, “Come Together” was one of Lennon’s favorites: “It’s funky, it’s bluesy. You can dance to it. I’ll buy it!”

  The Artist: Sheryl Crow

  The Song: “All I Wanna Do” (1993)

  The Story: After years of trying to break into the Los Angeles music scene—including singing backup on Michael Jackson’s “Bad” tour—Crow finally got a record deal in 1991.

  During a recording session, Crow wrote what she thought was a pretty good song…musically, anyway; she hated the words. She was stuck, so her producer ran across the street to a bookstore and bought 10 books of poetry, selected at random. He gave them to Crow, locked her in the bathroom, and told her to come out when she had something. Crow picked a poem entitled “Fun” and started singing the words, taking out some of the poet’s lines and adding her own. “‘All I Wanna Do’ was the throwaway track of the album. It was one that wasn’t going to go on the record,” she recalled. Good thing it did—after A&M released it, the song won a Grammy and propelled Crow to superstardom. Meanwhile, an English teacher in Vermont named Wyn Cooper began receiving royalty checks for a poem he’d written 10 years earlier.

  Number of languages spoken in India: about 845.

  The Artist: Led Zeppelin

  The Song: “Whole Lotta Love” (1969)

  The Story: While recording their second album, guitarist Jimmy Page came up with a bluesy riff and the rest of the band started jamming around it. Singer Robert Plant “improvised” some words, but they weren’t really his. He borrowed them from a song called “You Need Love” written by blues legend Willie Dixon. And although Led Zeppelin had credited Dixon for two songs on their first album, they kept the writing credit on “Whole Lotta Love” for themselves. Why? “We decided that it was so far away in time,” explained Plant. (Actually, it had only been seven years since Dixon wrote it.) “Whole Lotta Love” became the only Zeppelin song ever to reach the top 10 in the United States.

  Fifteen years later, Dixon heard the song for the first time and noticed the resemblance. Dixon sued the band and settled out of court in 1987. He used the proceeds to set up the Blues Heaven Foundation to promote awareness of the blues.

  The Artist: Little Richard

  The Song: “ Tutti Frutti” (1955)

  The Story: After a long, unproductive recording session in 1955, Little Richard couldn’t get the sound his producer, “Bumps” Blackwell, wanted. Exasperated, they took a lunch break and went to the local dive, the Dew Drop Inn. The place had a piano, so Richard started banging on it and wailing out some nonsense words: “Awop-Bop-a-Loo-Mop a-Good Goddam…Tutti Frutti, Good Booty!” It was the sound Blackwell was looking for.

  Richard had actually written the song while he was washing dishes at a bus station in Macon, Georgia. “I couldn’t talk back to the boss,” he said. “So instead of saying bad words, I’d say, ‘Wop-Bop-a-Loo-Bop-a-Lop-Bam-Boom,’ so he wouldn’t know what I was thinking.” Blackwell cleaned up the lyrics (“good booty” became “aw rootie”), and they recorded it that day. The single reached #17 on the pop charts. (Believe it or not, Pat Boone covered the song and it outdid Richard’s version on the hit parade.)

  Old news: By the year 2050, the world’s elderly will outnumber the young for the first time.

  HOUDINI’S HEADLINES

  Uncle John is no Houdini. When he was a little kid, he accidentally locked himself in the bathroom and couldn’t get out. But it didn’t matter—by the time someone answered his calls for help, he’d decided to stay.

  Harry Houdini was a genius at performing death-defying feats of magic. But he was more than that—he was also a genius at getting free publicity. Everywhere he went, he staged stunts specifically designed to get newspaper headlines.

  CHEEKY CHALLENGER COPS COPPERS’ CUFFS!

  • When Houdini first went to London, he had no bookings. He boasted about his talents to a stage manager, but the man was skeptical, and told Houdini, “I’ll hire you—but only if you can get out of handcuffs at Scotland Yard.” Houdini rounded up some reporters, then challenged police at Scotland Yard to cuff him.

  • Wrapping Houdini’s arms around a pillar, the police superintendent snapped on the cuffs, and turned to leave, saying, “We’ll be back in an hour to release you.”

  • As they headed for the door, Houdini called out, “You better take your cuffs with you!” He had undone the handcuffs in less time than it took the cops to walk across the room.

  • The reporters were impressed, and made sure Houdini got a lot of free publicity from the stunt. The result: a six-month run in London.

  SNEAKY SERGEANT CAN’T STUMP HOUDINI

  • From then on, challenging local police departments became one of his regular gimmicks. It always worked—even when he failed.

  • In 1899 Sergeant Waldron of the Chicago police challenged Houdini to escape from his special handcuffs.

  • Houdini agreed, then struggled to release himself for over an hour as the audience laughed and jeered.

  • The cuffs had to be cut off—and only after the theater had emptied did Waldron admit that he had tampered with the cuffs, dropping molten lead in the lock so it would be jammed.

  • When the trick was revealed, the local newspaper ran the story and Houdini garnered even more free publicity.

  EXAMINER EXPOSÉ: HOUDINI A FRAUD!

  • The San Francisco Examiner ran an story claiming that Houdini’s secret was extra hidden keys.

  • In response, Houdini announced he would pit himself against any restraint the San Francisco police could throw at him. A reporter was assigned to cover the event.

  • Houdini was stripped, searched, and shackled. His hands were cuffed behind his back; his ankles were locked in irons; and 10 pairs of manacles were placed on him. He was then locked in a closet.

  • Ten minutes later, he was f
ree. The newspaper retracted their exposé and ran another story…applauding his talents.

  HOUDINI JOLTS JUDGE AND JURY!

  • In Germany, Houdini wanted to stage a stunt where he would jump—roped and chained—off a boat into a river. The police refused to give permission—but he did it anyway. As he pulled himself out of the river and walked up the riverbank, he was arrested. • The only thing the cops could charge him with, though, was walking on the grass. The story made the papers all over the country.

  • To get even, in 1902 the head of the Cologne police, Schutzmann Werner Graff, denounced Houdini as a fraud and a swindler.

  • Houdini demanded an apology. When none was forthcoming he sued for slander. Graff told the judge and jury he could prove what he said was true just by chaining Houdini up.

  • Houdini consented to be chained, then demonstrated to the judge and jury (but he refused to show Graff) exactly how he was able to release himself. He won the case, the police were fined, and Graff was ordered to apologize.

  • But Graff had other plans: he appealed to a higher court. There, he produced a specially made lock that was supposed to be impossible to open. Houdini escaped in four minutes.

  • This time, Graff was ordered to pay court costs and run an apology in all German newspapers. He refused again and instead took the case to Germany’s highest court. Graff argued that Houdini’s claim that he could escape from safes was false—yet Houdini successfully escaped from a safe right in front of the judge.