Uncle John's Ahh-Inspiring Bathroom Reader

by Bathroom Readers' Institute

  Golfer: Elaine Johnson

  Flub: Johnson once drove a ball that hit a tree, bounced back, and landed in her bra. “I’ll take the two-stroke penalty,” she said, “but I’ll be damned if I’m going to play the ball where it lies.”

  Golfer: Andy Bean

  Flub: Bean was playing in the 1983 Canadian Open when his ball came to rest a mere two inches from the cup on the 15th green. Just to be cute, he tapped the ball into the cup using the grip of his putter instead of the head. Oops. He had forgotten about Rule 19, which states that “the ball shall be fairly struck at with the head of the club and must not be pushed, scraped or spooned.” Bean was assessed a two-stroke penalty, which came back to haunt him when he lost the match…by two strokes.

  …drugs. Cost: $11.7 million. Positive tests: 153. Cost per positive test: $76,470.

  MY BODY LIES OVER THE OCEAN

  When someone passes away and their remains are buried or cremated, it’s said they are being “laid to rest.” For some, the journey is just beginning.

  DANIEL BOONE

  Claim to Fame: 18th-century explorer and American frontiersman

  Final Resting Place: Near Charette, Missouri…or maybe Frankfort, Kentucky

  Details: If you owned a cemetery and wanted to attract new customers, how would you do it? One trick: a celebrity endorsement. Living celebrity pitchmen are best, but dead celebrities aren’t bad either, because they can’t complain.

  That’s how Daniel Boone ended up in Frankfort. When he died in the backwoods of Missouri in September 1820, he was buried in a small graveyard on a farm near Charette, in accordance with his wishes. But in 1845, the Capital Cemetery Company of Frankfort, Kentucky, started looking around for a famous American to bury in its new cemetery in the state capital. Boone was the perfect candidate: he was one of the founders of Kentucky and though he eventually left the state over a land dispute and swore he’d never return, he was still considered a hero.

  Boone was also admired in Missouri, so the owners of Capital Cemetery had to act quickly and move the body before anyone could object. They enlisted the support of some of Boone’s distant relatives, and then went to the farm and talked the new owner into letting them dig up the body. But the graves were poorly marked, so no one knew for sure which one was Boone’s. That didn’t matter: they made their best guess, dug up the remains of two bodies—assumed to be Boone and his wife—and spirited them off to Frankfort for reburial.

  To this day no one knows for sure whether Boone and his wife are buried in Missouri or Kentucky, and it’s doubtful we ever will. After so many years in the ground, there’s probably not enough left for a DNA test.

  Would a water softener help? 500 Americans are injured in their bathtubs each day.

  HUMANS OF THE SEA

  Ever since he first saw Flipper in the 1960s, Uncle John has been fascinated by dolphins. He’s not alone—some scientists think dolphins are humans’ closest relatives. Whether they are or not, we’ve still got a lot in common.

  ANIMAL MAGNETISM

  Few other animals evoke such mystery and curiosity as the dolphin. The more we study them, the more we want to know about them. We know that dolphins live 30 to 40 years. They have a distinct social structure, traveling in flexible groups of between 6 and 12 called pods. Young dolphins stay with their mothers for three years or longer before moving on to a new pod. Yet, remarkably, a daughter will often return to her mother’s group to have her first calf.

  A dolphin’s cerebral cortex—the portion of the brain that plans, thinks, and imagines—is larger than a human’s and, indeed, dolphins are adept at planning, thinking, and imagining. According to professional trainers, there is no limit to what a dolphin can learn.

  Here are some amazing examples of dolphin intelligence:

  • Dolphins learn quickly. Two dolphins at Sea Life Park in Hawaii knew entirely different routines. One day the trainer accidentally switched the two dolphins and didn’t know why they seemed so nervous about performing the stunts. One dolphin, trained to jump through a hoop 12 feet in the air, refused to jump at all until she lowered it to 6 feet. The other seemed shaky about navigating through an underwater maze while blindfolded. Not until the show was over did the trainer discover the error. The dolphin who had jumped through the 6-foot-high hoop had not been trained to go through a hoop at all. The other dolphin was familiar with the blindfold but had never navigated the underwater maze. Yet, somehow, each one had figured out how to perform the other’s tricks before the end of the routine.

  • Dolphins can learn sign language. They can understand syntax and sentence structure, knowing the difference between “Pipe fetch surfboard” (“Fetch the pipe and take it to the surfboard”) and “Surf-board fetch pipe” (“Fetch the surfboard and take it to the pipe”). When asked, “Is there a ball in the pool?” the dolphin is able to indicate yes or no—meaning it has understood the language, formed a mental image of the object referred to, and deduced whether the object is or is not there. This is called referential reporting and is otherwise documented only in apes and humans.

  • Dolphins consistently demonstrate imagination and creativity. At the Kewalo Basin Marine Mammal Lab in Hawaii, two young trainers were working with a pair of bottlenose dolphins named Akeakemai and Phoenix. The trainers got the dolphins’ attention and then, together, they tapped two fingers of each hand together, making a symbol for “in tandem.” They both threw their arms in the air, the sign language gesture that means “creative.”

  The instruction was “Do something creative together.” The two dolphins broke away and began swimming around the tank together. Then in perfect choreography they leapt high into the air while simultaneously spitting water out of their mouths. Because dolphins don’t normally carry water in their mouths, the move had to be planned and synchronized before they left the water, proving that this was not a matter of two dolphins playing follow-the-leader. When other games of “Tandem Creative” were played, the dolphins did such things as backpedaling and then waving their tail flukes, or doing simultaneous back flips. The trainers were always surprised.

  • Dolphins have a sophisticated language of their own. Dr. Jarvis Bastian, a University of California psychologist, taught a game to two dolphins named Doris and Buzz. They were instructed to press one lever (on the left) when they saw a flashing light and another lever (on the right) when they saw a steady light. Then he taught them a new twist: when the light came on, Doris had to wait until Buzz pressed his lever, then she could press her lever. When they had this down pat, Dr. Bastian placed a barrier between the two dolphins so they couldn’t see each other and only Doris could see the light. When the light flashed, Doris waited for Buzz to press his lever. Buzz, not knowing the light was on, did nothing. Doris then gave off a burst of whistles and clicks, and Buzz immediately pulled the correct lever. And he pulled the correct lever every time the test was repeated.

  • Dolphins play jokes. Dolphins in a San Francisco oceanarium were taught to “clean house,” receiving a reward of fish for each piece of trash they brought to their trainer. A dolphin named Mr. Spock kept bringing in soggy bits of paper, getting reward after reward. The trainer finally discovered that the dolphin had hidden a big brown paper bag in a corner of the pool and was earning dividends by tearing off tiny pieces, one at a time.

  At Busch Gardens in Florida, scuba diving “janitors” periodically entered the dolphin tank with large underwater vacuum cleaners to pick up debris from the bottom of the pool. On one occasion, the divers were puzzled because they were unable to find any garbage. Only the observers above the tank could see that a dolphin named Zippy was going in front of the divers, just out of their sight, picking up pieces of trash and transferring them to the area behind the divers, which had already been swept.

  • Dolphins enjoy playing games. They have been observed playing catch, tag, and keep-away. They’ve been known to sneak up on birds resting on the surface of the ocean and grab them by the feet, pulling them
under before releasing them. They intercept swimming turtles, turning them over and over. Once, two dolphins in an aquarium wanted to play with a moray eel, but the eel was hiding in a crevice under a rock where they couldn’t reach it. One dolphin picked up a dead scorpionfish and poked at the eel with the spines. The eel swam into the open, where it was caught by the dolphins and teased until being released.

  • Dolphins are affectionate. Researchers observing them in the wild have noted that a large part of a dolphin’s day is spent in physical contact with other dolphins. They swim belly to belly or side by side, sometimes looking like they’re holding “hands.” They rub their bodies together, pet each other with their fins and flukes, and enjoy sex for the pleasure of it.

  • Dolphins echo the worst of human nature. The world of dolphins is not all sweetness and light. Just as with humans, there seems to be a wide variation in dolphins’ behavior toward members of their own species. Some dolphins exhibit violent aggression and fight with others by ramming and biting them, sometimes to the point of death. Male dolphins occasionally build harems, and one researcher even documented a case of a male kidnapping a female and holding her captive. Groups of strong males may gang up on young, smaller dolphins, harassing them. Adult males will sometimes kill infants fathered by another male. They are also consummate predators, ruthless in their kills, and have been known to kill for reasons other than hunger.

  • Dolphins also echo the best of human nature. There are documented instances of dolphins coming to the aid of other dolphins. Healthy dolphins will support a sick or injured dolphin to the surface, helping it breathe. If one member of a pod becomes entangled in a fishing net, others will come to its assistance, often becoming entangled themselves. Female dolphins will guard another female who’s giving birth. There are also many instances on record of dolphins coming to the aid of humans in trouble.

  In November 1999, twelve Cubans boarded a small boat in an attempt to escape to the United States. Rough seas sank the boat, drowning most of the people on board. The mother of five-year-old Elian Gonzales stuck him inside an inner tube. When rescuers found him, he was surrounded by dolphins who had broken waves for him and driven away sharks for the two terrible days he had floated alone on the ocean.

  SPARE CHANGE

  • Coin collecting was so popular in the late 19th century that the U.S. government issued two coins just for collectors: the Columbian half-dollar of 1892 and the Isabella quarter of 1893. Both coins marked the 400th anniversary of the discovery of America by Columbus. The portrait of Queen Isabella of Spain was the first foreign monarch on an American coin.

  • According to experts, only one country in modern times never issued coinage: the Republic of Texas. In 1836 Texas broke away from Mexico and became an independent nation. From 1836 to 1845, when it became the 28th state in the U.S., Texas issued paper money, but no coins. For small change it used U.S. cents and Mexican reals.

  Every two hours, somebody somewhere files a lawsuit against Wal-Mart.

  Like parrots, captive dolphins can imitate human voices.

  Four most common names for popes: John, Gregory, Benedict, and Clement, in that order.

  Cheesy fact: The holes in Swiss cheese are technically called “eyes.”

  LOONEY LAWS

  Believe it or not, these are real laws.

  Tightrope walking is illegal in Winchester, Massachusetts (unless you’re in church).

  It’s against the law in Los Angeles to bathe two babies in the same tub at the same time.

  In Margate City, New Jersey, it’s illegal to surf in the nude or with a sock over the male genitalia.

  If you live in Garfield County, Montana, you can’t draw funny faces on window shades—it’s illegal.

  In Fruithill, Kentucky, any man who comes face to face with a cow on a public road must remove his hat.

  It’s illegal to sleep in a garbage can in Lubbock, Texas.

  You’re breaking the law in South Dakota if you fall asleep in a cheese factory.

  It’s illegal in Roanoke, Virginia, to advertise on tombstones.

  In Idaho it’s against the law to fish for trout while sitting on the back of a giraffe.

  In Tennessee it’s illegal to drive a car while you’re asleep.

  It’s against the law to feed margarine instead of real butter to prisoners in Wisconsin.

  In Hartford, Connecticut, it’s illegal to walk across the street on your hands.

  In Oxford, Ohio, a woman may not remove her clothing while standing in front of a picture of a man.

  It’s illegal in Oak Park, Illinois, to cook more than 100 doughnuts in one day.

  It’s against the law in South Bend, Indiana, to make a monkey smoke a cigarette.

  It’s illegal in California to peel an orange in your hotel room.

  In Hawaii it’s against the law to put coins in your ears.

  In Hillsboro, Oregon, it’s illegal to let your horse ride in the backseat of your car.

  In Carmel, California, it’s against the law for a woman to take a bath in a business office.

  Deep fat: Americans eat enough ice cream each year to fill the Grand Canyon.

  I WANT TO RIDE MY BICYCLE! PART II

  In Part I (page 101), we saw the bike go from a modified toy to a useful mode of transportation. But even with all of the improvements, by the middle of the 19th century, bikes were still thought of by most as curious—and dangerous—monstrosities. Here’s Part II.

  MOVING ON UP

  The pedals on Kirkpatrick MacMillan’s improved “hobby horse” gave the rider a lot more control, but pedaling required brute strength. In 1862 a French carriage maker named Pierre Lallement improved on MacMillan’s design by switching the iron rods and pedals from the rear wheel to the front wheel (technology that’s still used in children’s tricycles). The result: the veloce. Now the rider could crank the wheel and create motion with much less effort. As Lallement rode his veloce through the streets of Paris, creating a stir among townsfolk, he knew had something special, so he moved to the land of opportunity: America.

  LOOK OUT BELOW!

  Lallement arrived in Ansonia, Connecticut, in 1865. With little money to his name, he got a job in a carriage shop and in his spare time built what historians consider to be the first American bicycle.

  He arranged to exhibit his new machine by staging a four-mile ride from Ansonia to the neighboring town of Derby and back. The first leg was mostly uphill, which was difficult. The ride back, however, was disastrous. At first, spectators were amazed to see Lallement speeding down the hill, but their excitement turned to horror when they realized he had no control over his machine—the veloce hit a rut, stopped, and the Frenchman went flying over the handlebars.

  Undeterred, Lallement earned an American patent in 1866, but the rough New England roads and even rougher winters made the veloce a tough sell. So Lallement finally gave up and returned to France. When he got to Paris, what he saw amazed him: Parisians were riding around on veloces!

  Stall tactic: John McEnroe once tied his shoelaces seven times during a match at Wimbledon.

  Lallement’s former employer, carriage maker Pierre Michaux, had copied Lallement’s design and renamed it the velocipede (rough translation: “speed through feet”). With the help of his son, Ernest, Michaux built the first velocipede in 1863. In 1867 they displayed it at the Paris World’s Fair and it attracted so much attention that Michaux decided to dedicate all of his resources to producing them. Soon velocipedes—“boneshakers” as they were nicknamed because of their lack of suspension and adequate brakes—became popular all over Europe.

  THE PENNY-FARTHING

  English mechanics came up with the next big innovation in bicycles—they increased the size of the front wheel. Because the pedals were attached directly to the axle, the larger the wheel, the farther a person could go with one rotation of the pedals. In some instances, the front wheel was four or five feet in diameter. At the same time, the rear wheel shrunk in s
ize to give the bicycle better balance. The new machine became known as the “penny-farthing” because of the drastic disparity between the size of the front and rear wheels (it resembled two British coins, the penny and the farthing, placed next to each other). Now the rider had to carefully climb up the bike to get it going—not an easy task. But thankfully, penny-farthings were the first bikes with brakes.

  The penny-farthing was introduced to America at the 1876 Philadelphia World’s Fair, and people loved it. To cash in on the public interest, a Boston architect named Frank W. Weston founded a company to import penny-farthings from England. They were a big hit, but because they cost well over $100 each ($1,670 in today’s dollars), they were only available to the rich. Aristocrats formed exclusive “riding clubs” in upscale neighborhoods with indoor tracks and private riding instructors. Middle-class people wanted to join in on the fun, but few could afford the expensive import.

  Colonel Albert Pope, however, was about to change all that.

  For Part III of the story, turn to page 366.

  In some parts of India, girls get names with an odd number of syllables; boys get even.

  PHONING IT IN

  Some stupid criminals actually go someplace to commit their crimes and get caught. These three lazy guys figured they could just phone it in. They were right.