Uncle John's Ahh-Inspiring Bathroom Reader

by Bathroom Readers' Institute

  NO SUCH THING AS A FREE RIDE

  “In August of 1996, 19-year-old Donterio Beasley got stranded in Little Rock, Arkansas, and called police to request a ride downtown. When informed that it was against police policy, he hung up, waited a few minutes, and called back again. This time he reported a suspicious looking person loitering near a phone booth…and then he gave a complete description of himself. He thought he’d get a free ride downtown to the station, where he’d be questioned and released. Instead he got a free ride downtown and was charged with calling in a false alarm.”

  —Dallas Morning News

  BOREDOM IN A BOOTH

  “Ron Vanname was 21 years old in 1992 when he decided to make some prank obscene phone calls from a phone booth in Port Charles, Florida. He decided to make the calls to the 911 operator, and phoned nine times in sixteen minutes with new vulgarities each time. He was unaware that the 911 phone system automatically showed the address of every incoming phone call. Squad cars surrounded him before he’d even hung up the phone. He spent a week in jail.”

  —The Wolf Files

  A BOMB FOR THE BOMBED

  “Thirty-nine-year-old Ronnie Wade Cater of Hampton, Virginia, was arrested in 1997 after phoning in a bomb threat. Cater was at a bar, drunk, and wanted to drive home without being nabbed for DUI. So he phoned in his bomb threat saying there was a bomb at another local bar, hoping to divert police attention. The call was traced and he was arrested.”

  —News of the Weird

  National religion of Haiti (unofficially): voodoo.

  HOUDINI’S SECRETS

  From 1896 to 1926, Harry Houdini was the world’s most famous escape artist. He could get out of anything. There was no lock or latch that could hold him. How’d he do it? We’ll never tell. Okay, you talked us into it.

  THE TRICK: Escaping from a locked container

  THE SECRET: Hidden tools

  EXPLANATION #1: Houdini often hid tools by swallowing them. He learned the trick while working for a circus, when an acrobat showed him how to swallow objects, then bring them up again by working the throat muscles. Houdini practiced with a potato tied to a string…so he could be pull it back up if needed.

  EXPLANATION #2: Houdini would ask several men from the audience come up onstage, first to search him to for hidden tools, and second, to examine whatever he was about to be locked up in: a safe or a coffin or a packing crate. He would then solemnly shake hands with each man. But the last man was a shill—someone who had been planted in the audience. And during the handshake, a pick or a key would be passed from hand to hand.

  EXPLANATION #3: Houdini sometimes hid a slim lockpick—like a thin piece of wire—in the thick skin of the sole of his foot.

  THE TRICK: One of his greatest—escaping from a water-filled milk can…without disturbing the six padlocks that secured the lid

  THE SECRET: A fake can

  EXPLANATION: Houdini folded himself into the cylinder (or body) of an old-fashioned milk can. But the neck of the can wasn’t really attached to the body. It appeared to be held together by rivets, but the rivets were fake. The two sections actually came apart. Houdini could easily break the neck from the cylinder, step out of the milk can, and then reattached it. And because the can was placed inside a box, the audience never knew how it was done.

  THE TRICK: Escaping from handcuffs

  THE SECRET: Sleight of hand

  EXPLANATION: If he couldn’t pick the lock, Houdini had another trick: he’d insist the handcuffs be locked a little higher on his forearm, then simply slip them over his wrists.

  Sad irony: In spring 2001, the U.S. lost seven men searching for MIAs in Vietnam.

  THE TRICK: Mind reading

  THE SECRET: Secret stage code (and a clever assistant)

  EXPLANATION: Houdini’s wife, Bess, often participated in the show. For mind-reading tricks, they worked out a secret code where one could tip off the other using words that stood for numbers: pray = 1, answer = 2, say = 3, now = 4, tell = 5, please = 6, speak = 7, quickly = 8, look = 9, and be quick = 0.

  If Houdini was divining the number from a dollar bill, Bess would say, “Tell me, look into your heart. Say, can you answer me, pray? Quickly, quickly! Now! Speak to us! Speak quickly!” Then Houdini the “mind reader” would correctly reply: 59321884778.

  THE TRICK: Escaping from a straitjacket

  THE SECRET: There was no trick—he did it in plain sight using a combination of technical skill and brute strength

  EXPLANATION: From his 1910 book Handcuff Escapes:

  The first step is to place the elbow, which has the continuous hand under the opposite elbow, on some solid foundation and by sheer strength exert sufficient force at this elbow so as to force it gradually up towards the head, and by further persistent straining you can eventually force the head under the lower arm, which results in bringing both of the encased arms in front of the body.

  Once having freed your arms to such an extent as to get them in front of your body, you can now undo the buckles of the straps of the cuffs with your teeth, after which you open the buckles at the back with your hands, which are still encased in the canvas sleeves, and then you remove the straitjacket from your body.

  ONE LAST SECRET: Often Houdini would escape quickly from his entrapment, then sit quietly out of sight of the audience, calmly playing cards or reading the paper while waiting for the tension to grow: “Is he dead yet?” “He’s never going to get out alive!” Then, when the audience’s murmurings and accompanying music had grown to a fever pitch, he would drench himself in water to make himself look sweaty before stepping triumphantly out in front of the curtain to humbly accept the raucous cheers.

  Three words pulled from Microsoft Word’s thesaurus in 2000: idiot, fool, and nitwit.

  THE INCREDIBLE SHRINKING HEADS

  There have been many head-hunting cultures in the world—even the French had the guillotine—but only one made shrunken heads. Here’s the story.

  THE JIVARO

  The Jivaro (pronounced “hee-var-o”) tribes live deep in the jungles of Ecuador and Peru. They don’t do it anymore as far as anyone knows but as recently as 100 years ago they were ardent head shrinkers. The Jivaro tribes were constantly at war with other neighboring tribes (and with each other), and they collected the heads of their fallen enemies as war trophies. The head, once shrunk, was called tsantsa (pronounced “san-sah”). For the Jivaro the creation of tsantsa insured good luck and prevented the soul of the fallen enemy from seeking revenge.

  As Western explorers came in increasing contact with the Jivaro tribes in the late 19th century, shrunken heads became a popular souvenir. Traders would barter guns, ammo, and other useful items for shrunken heads; this “arms-for-heads” trade caused the killing to climb rapidly, prompting the Peruvian and Ecuadorian governments to outlaw head shrinking in the early 1900s. If you buy a head today, it’s guaranteed a fake.

  THE JOY OF COOKING…HEADS

  Here’s the Jivaro recipe for a genuine shrunken head (Kids, don’t try this at home): Peel skin and hair from skull; discard skull. Sew eye and mouth openings closed (trapping the soul inside, so that it won’t haunt you). Turn inside out and scrape fat away using sharp knife. Add jungle herbs to a pot of water and bring to a boil; add head and simmer for one to two hours. Remove from water. Fill with hot stones, rolling constantly to prevent scorching. Repeat with successively smaller pebbles as the head shrinks. Mold facial features between each step. Hang over fire to dry. Polish with ashes. Moisturize with berries (prevents cracking). Sew neck hole closed. Trim hair to taste.

  Second grossest fact in this entire book: You inhale about 700,000 of your own skin flakes daily.

  GOOD DOG

  Can a dog be a hero? These people sure think so.

  GOOD DOG: Blue, a two-year-old Australian Blue Heeler

  WHAT HE DID: One evening in 2001, Ruth Gay of Fort Myers, Florida, was out walking her dog when she accidentally slipped on some wet grass and fell. The 84-yea
r-old woman couldn’t get up, and no one heard her cries for help—except a 12-foot alligator that crawled out of a nearby canal. Gay probably would have been gator food if Blue hadn’t been there to protect her. The 35-pound dog fought with the gator, snarling and snapping until the reptile finally turned tail. Then Blue ran home barking, alerting Gay’s family that she was in trouble. Gay was saved. And Blue? He was treated for 30 puncture wounds. “It’s amazing what an animal will do in a time of need,” said the vet. “He’s a pretty brave dog.”

  GOOD DOG: Trixie, a six-year-old mixed breed

  WHAT SHE DID: In 1991, 75-year-old Jack Fyfe of Sydney, Australia, was home alone when he suffered a paralyzing stroke. Unable to move, he lay helpless, waiting for someone to discover him as the temperature outside climbed to 90 degrees. Fyfe was crying for water—and that’s just what Trixie brought him. She found a towel, soaked it in her water dish, then laid it across Fyfe’s face so he could suck out the moisture. She repeated this every day until her water dish ran dry, then she dipped the towel in the toilet. After nine days, Fyfe’s daughter stopped by and found him—still alive…thanks to Trixie.

  GOOD DOG: Sadie, an English Setter

  WHAT SHE DID: Michael Miller was walking Sadie when he had a massive heart attack. He was unconscious, but his hand was still wrapped around Sadie’s leash. Sadie tried to revive him by licking his face. When that failed, the 45-pound dog began pulling the 180-pound man toward home. For an hour and a half the dog labored to pull his body homeward, a third of a mile away. Finally reaching the back door, the dog howled until Miller’s wife came out. Because of the dog’s heroism, Miller recovered.

  Poll result: 38% of teenage girls in the U.S. say they “think about their weight constantly.”

  BAD DOG

  Can a dog be a pain? These people think so.

  BAD DOG: Bear, a Newfoundland

  WHAT HE DID: Glen Shaw, a trash collector in New Hampshire occasionally brought Bear along on his route. On December 20, 2001, Shaw got out of his 10-wheeled compactor truck to load some garbage into the back and Bear somehow released the hand brake. As the truck began to roll downhill, Shaw ran after it but it was no use. The runaway truck plunged into the Souhegan River, and Shaw plunged in behind it to rescue the dog. Good news: the dog survived. Bad news: it took a hazardous waste crew more than two hours to clean up the mess.

  BAD DOG: Jake, a three-month-old Rottweilier

  WHAT HE DID: The Dodson family of Norman, Oklahoma, went out and left Jake in the same place they always left him: the utility room. They returned hours later to find Jake…and a smoking pile of rubble where their home used to be. Evidently Jake had flipped the gas line switch, filling the room with natural gas and when the hot water heater kicked on, the gas exploded. Jake was hurled clear of the explosion…and escaped unharmed.

  BAD DOG: a boxer

  WHAT HE DID: Muammer Guney, 46, of Denizli, Turkey, had a heart attack while he was walking his dog in the park. The animal stood guard over his fallen master, barking and keeping would-be helpers at bay. By the time relatives arrived on the scene to pull the dog away, it was too late; doctors pronounced Guney dead.

  BAD DOG: Stinky, a six-year-old mongrel

  WHAT HE DID: In December of 2000 Stinky and his master, Kelly Russell, were out hunting near their New Zealand home. Russell set down his rifle for a moment and Stinky jumped on it. The gun went off, hitting Russell in the foot. At the Waikato hospital, doctors were unable to save his foot. Russell was also fined $500 for hunting illegally in an exotic forest.

  No ump-dump rule: In pro baseball, you can’t replace an umpire unless he’s injured or sick.

  REDUNDANCIES

  We are all guilty of using ’em. We just can’t tolerate a noun or verb standing alone, so we give it an adjective or adverb for company. That doesn’t make them harmfully wrong—just doubly redundant. Here are a few sparkling gems we recently uncovered not long ago.

  capitol building

  baby calf

  circle around

  slippery slime

  hollow tube

  illegal poaching

  old adage

  NFL football team

  merge together

  sandwiched between

  reflect back

  very unique

  strangled to death

  successful escape

  3 a.m. in the morning

  old fossil

  fellow countrymen

  old geezer

  new beginning

  illegal scam

  awkward predicament

  appreciated in value

  disappear from view

  total extinction

  violent explosion

  knots per hour

  temporary reprieve

  cluster together

  hoist up

  free of charge

  recur again

  enclosed herewith

  excessive overharvesting

  swivel around

  new recruits

  fellow colleagues

  first priority

  invited guest

  completely satisfied

  sink down

  Where do they all go? About 200 million tires are discarded every year in the U.S.

  BATHROOM NEWS

  Here are a few choice bits of bathroom trivia we’ve flushed out over the years.

  ARTSY FARTSY

  In 2001 a new work of art by Alphonse Gradant appeared in the Museum of European Art in Paris. Praised as “art in its rawest form…an expression of 21st-century angst, comparable to the best work of Picasso and Salvador Dali,” the work later sold for $45,000.

  Who is Alphonse Gradant? The museum janitor.

  Someone swiped one of his diagrams, had it framed, and hung it in the museum as a joke. Is it art? “No,” says Gradant. “It’s the layout of the men’s toilet,” which he colored in with red and black pens to make it easier to understand. “I needed a simple diagram that the contractor could follow,” he explains. “All I was trying to do was make his work easier, not create a work of art.” Museum officials refunded the $45,000. “If it was meant as a joke,” says a spokesperson, “It wasn’t a very funny one.”

  SANITATION ACROSS THE NATION

  In March 2002, Parrot Products introduced the Enable Kit, designed for drivers who are grossed out by bathrooms in highway truck stops and rest areas. Each $3.79 kit comes complete with hand wipes, “area and fixture wipes,” rubber gloves, toilet paper, a paper seat cover, and even a face mask to protect against “any particulates floating around.” Company founder Joe Gawzner says he invented the kit after years of experiencing “negative restroom conditions.” “Why suffer when nature calls?” he asks.

  WIPE AWAY THE CRACKS

  In 2000 the city of St. Louis, Missouri, started using a new material to seal freshly tarred cracks in its roads: toilet paper. The paper reduces the tackiness of the tar so that it doesn’t stick to people’s shoes or to the tires of cars. T.P. offers advantages over traditional materials like sand and leaf mulch: it’s cheap, it doesn’t clog sewers, it doesn’t stink like leaf mulch, and it’s easy to apply—just slap some onto a paint roller, attach a broom handle, and unroll it right over the tar. Bonus: As the toilet paper degrades, it adds an optical illusion. “Stoop down and look at it,” says Nigel Martin, a city worker assigned to T.P. duty. “It looks like snow, doesn’t it?”

  Wide load: Americans ate 15,000 tons of snack food during Super Bowl XXXVI (2002).

  TASTES LIKE…SWITZERLAND

  In February 2001, a Swiss man named Roger Weisskopf won a lifetime supply of toilet paper after he went on the German television show Wetten Dass? and demonstrated his unusual talent: being able to identify the name and country of origin of any brand of toilet paper…by tasting it. More precisely, by “licking, sucking, and chewing” wads of the stuff until it gives up its secrets.

  No word on whether Weisskopf ate his prize. It took him a year of practice to dev
elop his skill, which friends and loved ones encouraged by bringing home foreign toilet paper whenever they traveled abroad. According to Weisskopf (and he would know), Swiss paper tastes the best, while Japanese paper tastes the worst. “It tastes like moth balls,” he says. “It nearly turned my stomach when I was practicing.” Weisskopf is now developing a singing toilet lid to cash in on his fame.

  LIKE MONEY IN THE TANK

  In the 1960s, the exchange rate for Indonesian currency was 325 rupiah to one U.S. dollar. Distressed by the high cost and low quality of Indonesian toilet paper, some western tourists started buying sen notes—worth 1/100 of a rupiah, or 32,500 to the dollar—and using them for toilet paper.

  WHAT GOES DOWN…

  Japanese engineers had a problem in 1993 with some of their new high-speed bullet trains. Everything in the trains was high-tech—except the toilets, which were the old, hole-in-the-floor style. The problem: when the train went through a tunnel, it created “compressed atmospheric pressure.” In other words, whatever went down the hole came back up, splattering whoever was there. So were the toilets recalled? Not a chance—railroad officials just posted signs warning passengers not to use the toilets while the trains were going through a tunnel. (They also set up a fund to pay for hot baths and laundry service…just in case.)

  People used to say “will I, nil I?” when they couldn’t make up their minds. That’s where the expression willy-nilly comes from.

  IF THEY MARRIED

  We finally found a use for celebrities…well, not the whole celebrity, just the name. Somebody actually took the time to invent these celebrity marriages, and we salute them.