Uncle John's Ahh-Inspiring Bathroom Reader

by Bathroom Readers' Institute

  This innovation would soon combine with another: In 1888 Scottish veterinarian John Dunlop invented rubber pneumatic (air-filled) tires, making bicycles ride much smoother than ever before. The entire industry was changed overnight, and the modern bicycle was born.

  CATALYST FOR CHANGE

  The 1890s were known as the “Golden Age of Bikes.” On both sides of the Atlantic, the “miracle machine” provided people freedom they’d never before known. And the world hasn’t been the same since.

  • Now that the crossbar was lower, women were able to ride (the bike had been primarily designed by men…for men). But now, women had a means of escaping the house. The bike would soon become an excuse for women everywhere to shed their more restrictive clothing—such as corsets and dresses—in the pursuit of more comfortable riding. These seemingly small social changes would soon help pave the way for women’s suffrage.

  • In 1892 two brothers bought a pair of safety bikes. They loved them so much that they opened up a shop and started building and repairing bikes for a living. But they wouldn’t be dabbling in bikes for long—Wilbur and Orville Wright would, however, incorporate the bicycle’s design into their new invention: the airplane.

  • The new bicycles also caught the attention of another young man. Many of their features intrigued him: interchangeable parts, assembly line production, chain-propelled gear shifts, inflatable rubber tires. In 1896 he teamed them up with a new design for a gasoline engine, added two more wheels, and called it the “Quadricycle.” The man’s name: Henry Ford.

  BATHROOM MISCELLANY

  • In medieval Europe, wedding ceremonies often took place in baths. Participants stood in a large tub as food was passed around on small boats.

  • Some 19th-century chamber pots were decorated with portraits of popular enemies on the inside. One popular target: Napoleon.

  Smelly even when washed: Some people in Siberia make clothes out of halibut skins.

  A FAMOUS PHONY

  Another story of one of history’s boldest—and funniest—imposters.

  BACKGROUND: In 1906 shoemaker and career criminal Wilhelm Voigt was released from a German prison after a 15-year sentence for robbery. His identity card and passport had been taken away, he was nearly broke, and his prospects weren’t good. He was desperate. Then he remembered how he had learned to mimic the speech and mannerisms of the self-important Prussian officers whose boots he had mended when he was young. It gave him an idea.

  MOMENT OF “TRUTH”: He bought a secondhand army uniform, went to a local army barracks, and waited for the right opportunity. When a corporal and five privates came marching by, he stepped in, started barking orders, and instantly became the leader of a tiny army. Their mission: To take over the town of Kopenick on the outskirts of Berlin.

  They marched down the road, got five more men along the way, and commandeered a bus. Once in Kopenick, Voigt marched his men into the town hall. There, after pretending to inspect the accounts, he had the mayor arrested, took over the telegraph and telephone lines, and helped himself to 4,000 marks from the treasury. The mayor was sent in custody to military headquarters in Berlin, and “Captain” Voigt quietly disappeared.

  UNMASKED: Nine days later, Voigt was captured and arrested. But the story made headlines around the world and unintentionally brought world attention to the abuses of the German prison system. Whether it was because of this, or as some believe, simply because he thought the ruse was funny, Kaiser Wilhelm pardoned the lifelong crook—who had already spent 27 of his 57 years in prison for petty crimes—and sent him on his way.

  IMMORTALITY ACHIEVED: The story inspired a 1932 German movie, Der Hauptmann von Köpenick (The Captain of Köpenick), which wickedly lampooned the bumbling Prussian officers. A 1956 remake won the 1957 Academy Award for the Best Foreign Language Film.

  Whiskey gets its name from uisce beathadh, a Gaelic phrase that means “water of life.”

  GANDER

  Far too few people know the heartwarming story about what happened in a small town on a remote island in the North Atlantic on September 11, 2001. Canadian air traffic controller (and BRI member) Terry Budden told us about it, and we decided to share it with you.

  THE TOWN OF GANDER

  Gander is located in Newfoundland, Canada’s easternmost province. The town is central to Newfoundland Island, and the home of Gander International Airport. The decision to build an airport on Gander was made in 1935 because aircraft couldn’t make the long flight from New York to London without stopping to refuel. Newfoundland falls on the Atlantic Ocean right under the flight path between these two points, making it the ideal stopover location. The town itself formed around the airport and was mostly populated by people who worked in support of the aviation industry. They referred to Gander as “the crossroads of the world.”

  Today, of course, aircraft can fly farther without refueling, making Gander an unnecessary stop. With the exception of local and cargo flights, very little international traffic stops there anymore. Gander has since become a quiet town. Until September 11, 2001.

  GROUNDED

  Less than an hour after the terrorist attacks of September 11, the U.S. Federal Aviation Administration grounded all flights and closed their airspace for the first time in history. Transport Canada (Canada’s equivalent to the FAA) followed suit, ordering all aircraft to the ground. There were approximately five hundred planes arriving over the east coast of Canada with nowhere to go. Air traffic controllers quickly started directing these flights to the closest airports. Before long, 38 planes were parked wingtip to wingtip on Gander’s taxiways and runways—and more than 6,500 passengers and crew suddenly found themselves stranded.

  If you want to signal “no” in Albania, nod. If you want to say “yes,” shake your head.

  THE LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE

  Town officials and coordinators immediately scrambled to assess the situation thrust upon them, still reeling from the images on CNN. The Emergency Coordination Center at the airport and the Emergency Operations Center at the town hall were activated, and the situation was discussed. Gander has many contingency plans for all sorts of different situations—there is even a contingency plan for an emergency space-shuttle landing at the airport—but no plan for accommodating and feeding so many people for an undetermined amount of time. The town’s 500 hotel rooms were no match for 6,500 unexpected visitors.

  Des Dillon of the Canadian Red Cross was asked to round up beds. Major Ron Stuckless of the Salvation Army became the coordinator of a mass collection of food. Murray Osmond, the only Citizenship and Immigration officer on site, began the arduous task of processing thousands of passengers. “There was also the issue of security,” Osmond told reporters. “We didn’t know which planes out there might have individuals aboard like the ones who attacked the World Trade Center.” He worked with a planeload of U.S. soldiers who had arrived to help maintain order.

  While airport officials made preparations to process everyone, the passengers had to remain on board—some for as long as 30 hours—worried, confused, and cut off from the outside world. They couldn’t see the attacks that kept the rest of the world glued to their televisions and still had no idea why they had been forced to land. Before long, though, passengers with cell phones and portable radios began spreading the word that the United States was under attack. If so, what would be the passengers fate? Were they war refugees? How long would it be until they saw home again?

  JUST PLANE FOLKS

  When the passengers finally disembarked, they received a warm welcome. Although Newfoundland is the poorest province in Canada, everyone helped out:

  • It was quickly decided that the majority of the rooms would go to the flight crews so they would be well rested and ready to travel on short notice. The decision as to where to house everyone else had to be faced next: the town of Gander, even with all its residents, churches, schools, and shelters opening their doors, could handle only about half of the stranded passengers. The rest
would have to be transported to the surrounding communities of Gambo, Lewisporte, Appleton, Glenwood, and Norris Arm. But transporting these people seemed to be a problem as well—the local bus drivers had been on strike for weeks. They weren’t for long: the striking bus drivers put down their picket signs and manned 60 buses to drive the passengers to their destinations.

  • Families were kept together. Many places set up special rooms for families with babies and small children where portable cribs were assembled, and boxes were filled with toys and games. Diapers, bottles, and formula were provided, all free of charge.

  • When calls went out for food and bedding, people emptied their cupboards, refrigerators, and closets and went to the airport. “They were there all night long, bringing food and standing at the tables, passing it out,” said Captain Beverly Bass from American Flight 49. Asked who was manning the tables, a passenger from Air France Flight 004 responded, “They were the grocer, the postman, the pastor—everyday citizens of Gander who just came out.”

  • The passengers weren’t allowed to take their luggage off the flights; they were there with just the clothes on their backs. So, responding to radio announcements, the residents and businesses of Gander supplied deodorant, soap, blankets, spare underwear, offers of hot showers and guestrooms—even tokens for the local laundromat and invitations to wash their clothes in people’s homes.

  • A lot of the guests didn’t speak English and had no idea what was happening. Locals and U.S. soldiers were put to work as translators.

  • The local phone company set up phone banks so that all the passengers could call home. They strung wires and cables so those staying in schools, churches, and lodges would also have access to television and the Internet. Passengers participated, too—those who had cell phones passed them around for others to make calls until the batteries ran dead.

  • Hospitals added extra beds and sent doctors to the airport, just in case. Anyone with a medical background worked with the local doctors and pharmacies to tend to those with special needs. People in need of prescriptions received what they required at no cost.

  • Residents of Twillingate, a tiny island off the northeast coast of Newfoundland, prepared enough sandwiches and soup for at least 200 people, then delivered them to the mainland.

  • To keep their spirits up, the passengers were given a choice of excursion trips, such as boat cruises of the lakes and harbors, while others went to see the local forests and memorials. Whale and iceberg watching were also popular activities. Newfoundlanders brought in entertainers who put on shows and grief counselors to talk to those who needed it.

  After the airspace reopened, with the help of the Red Cross the passengers were delivered to the airport right on time. Not a single person missed a flight. Many of the “plane people,” as they were sometimes called, were crying and sharing stories with each other. Many people exchanged phone numbers and addresses with newfound friends.

  THE AFTERMATH

  Many travelers have since shown their thanks with donations to local churches, libraries, and charitable organizations.

  • Lufthansa Airlines was so moved by the townspeople’s reaction that they named one of their new aircraft after the town, an honor never before given to any place outside of Germany.

  • The passengers from Delta Flight 15 started a scholarship fund and raised more than U.S. $30,000 for the school that housed them.

  • The Rockefeller Foundation, which had used a small computer lab at a school in Lewisporte as the nerve center for their philanthropic activities, supplied the school with a brand new state-of-the-art computer lab. • Gander Academy, which housed the passengers of Sabena Flight 539, Lufthansa Flight 416, and Virgin Flight 21, has received $27,000 in donations from the passengers that stayed there. The school is using the funds to finance a new six-year global peace awareness program.

  • On the one-year anniversary, Canadian Prime Minister Jean Chretien traveled to Gander to honor the townsfolk. “You did yourselves proud,” he told a crowd of 2,500 people who had gathered on the tarmac. “And you did Canada proud.”

  Frequent fly-er: A common housefly beats its wings about 20,000 times per minute.

  In the time it takes to turn a page, you’ll lose 3 million blood cells and make 3 million more.

  In a typical diamond mine, you have to dig 23 tons of ore to find a single one-carat diamond.

  A NOTE FROM GANDER

  Here is a great letter we found posted on the Internet from Gander resident Scott Cook, reprinted with his permission.

  “It’s been a hell of a week here in Gander. The stories are amazing. We had 38 aircraft with a total of 6,656 people drop by for coffee. They stayed for three or four days. Our population is just under 10,000, so you can imagine the logistics involved in giving each of these people a place to sleep and a hot meal three times a day.

  “Many of us spent our time bringing people home so they could get a shower or, once the rain started on the third day, driving them to the mall or sightseeing to relieve their boredom. The diversity of the people who have been in my car and in my shower over the past few days is pretty wild.

  “You should have seen the look on my little girl’s face when three Muslim women came home with me for a shower. With their robes, she could only see their faces, hands and feet. Their hands and feet were covered with henna paint and two of them didn’t speak English. There was a king from the Middle East here, a British MP, the Mayor of Frankfurt, Germany, etc., etc.

  “There were also immigrants from all over the world, some of whom didn’t have two pennies to rub together. They all slept side by side in schools and church halls. Except the Irish, of course! A flight from Ireland was put up at a couple of local drinking establishments! The Royal Canadian Legion and the Elks Club. One woman here gave a driving tour to a fellow from the U.S. When she brought him back to his gymnasium cot, they exchanged cards. She looked at his and said, ‘So you work with Best Western?’ He replied, ‘No, I own Best Western.’

  “You should have been here, but of course, there wouldn’t have been room.”

  “We make a living by what we’ve got, but we make a life by what we give.” —Winston Churchill

  Every time you pay $2.79 for a box of Wheaties with Tiger Woods on the box, he gets a dime… and the farmers who grew the wheat get a nickel

  “OH MY GOD, THEY KILLED KENNY!”

  More of our all-time favorite TV catchphrases. There are so many good ones that we can’t list every one. (If we left your favorites out, let us know and we may add them to next year’s book.)

  Catchphrase: “Yadda yadda yadda.”

  From: Seinfeld (1990–98)

  Here’s the Story: The phrase has been around since the 1940s; but then it showed up on Seinfeld in the 1990s and, yadda yadda yadda, now it’s in the dictionary.

  Catchphrase: “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!”

  From: TV commercials selling LifeCall personal emergency response systems in the 1980s

  Here’s the Story: Advertisers also try to come up with catchy catchphrases (remember the “Where’s the beef?” lady from the Wendy’s ads?). The “I’ve fallen…” plea, however, was never intedned to be catchy—or funny. But somehow it outlasted the company that advertised it (bankrupt) and the woman who said it (died). More than a decade after its debut, “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!” is still being used by comedians from Jay Leno to Carrot Top.

  Catchphrase: “Oh my God, they killed Kenny!”

  From: South Park (1997–)

  Here’s the Story: A big part of what made South Park a hit was the tasteless but innovative routine of killing off the same character in nearly every episode. Asked why, the show’s creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone admitted, “We just like to kill him.…And we really like the line ‘Oh my God, they killed Kenny!’” A few years later, Stone retracted: “We got sick of figuring out ways to kill him.…It was funny the first 38 or 40 times we did it. Then it turned into, ‘OK, how
can we kill him now?’” So in December 2001 they killed Kenny for good…but the phrase lives on.

  Catchphrase: “Yabba-dabba-doo!”

  From: The Flintstones (1960–66)

  Here’s the Story: Just like Homer’s “D’oh!” (see page 105) this one came from the man who voiced the character, Alan Reed. Flinstones co-creator Joe Barbera tells the story: “In a recording session, Alan said, ‘Hey, Joe, where it says “yahoo,” can I say “yabba-dabba-doo?’” I said yeah. God knows where he got it, but it was one of those terrific phrases.” Reed later said that it came from his mother, who used to say, “A little dab’ll do ya.”

  Catchphrase: “Just the facts, Ma’am.”

  From: Dragnet (1952–59/1967–70)

  Here’s the Story: Sergeant Joe Friday’s (Jack Webb) deadpan delivery made this statement famous…sort of. He actually never said it. Friday’s line was “All we want are the facts, Ma’am.” Satirist Stan Freberg spoofed the popular show on a 1953 record called “St. George and the Dragonet,” which featured the line: “I just want to get the facts, Ma’am.” The record sold more than two million copies, and Freberg’s line—not Webb’s—became synonomous with the show. According to Freberg: “Jack Webb told me, ‘Thanks for pushing us into the number one spot,’ because after my record came out, within three weeks, he was number one.”

  Catchphrase: “Let’s get ready to…(something that rhymes with ‘mumble’ but starts with an ‘R’).”

  From: Sports announcer Michael Buffer