Uncle John's Ahh-Inspiring Bathroom Reader

by Bathroom Readers' Institute

  Here’s the Story: This one wins out over many other famous TV sports sayings because of the controversy it created. After hearing others imitating his famous battle cry, Michael Buffer and his brother Bruce decided to trademark it, a decision that made them both millionaires. Michael now charges $15,000 to $30,000 just to show up, say it, and leave. But if you feel like yelling the “rumble” phrase out loud, do it quietly; the Buffer brothers will sue the pants off of you if you say it at an event without paying them. (They even sued Ollie North.) Why such big safeguards on such a trite saying? “It’s probably the most famous phrase said by a human being in history,” Michael explains.

  Hey, we’ve all had crummy jobs: When Confucius was 16, he worked as a grain inspector.

  NAPOLEON’S CODE

  Although he stood only 5'6", Napoleon Bonaparte was one of the most important figures in history. Emperor of France and conqueror of Europe, he created new standards for civil law, the French educational system, and much more. Here are some snippets of his wisdom.

  “History is the version of past events that people have decided to agree upon.”

  “There is no place in a fanatic’s head where reason can enter.”

  “The best way to keep one’s word is not to give it.”

  “The most dangerous moment comes with victory.”

  “In politics…never retreat, never retract…never admit a mistake.”

  “In politics stupidity is not a handicap.”

  “A man will fight harder for his interests than for his rights.”

  “From sublime to ridiculousness there is only one step.”

  “If you wage war, do it energetically and with severity. This is the only way to make it shorter and consequently less inhuman.” “Public morals are the natural complement of all laws: they are by themselves an entire code.”

  “An order that can be misunderstood will be misunderstood.”

  “If you wish to be a success in the world, promise everything, deliver nothing.”

  “Ten people who speak make more noise than ten thousand who are silent.”

  “Adversity is the midwife of genius.”

  “The word ‘impossible’ is not in my dictionary.”

  “Men are moved by only two levers: fear and self-interest.”

  “Governments keep their promises only when they are forced, or when it is to their advantage to do so.”

  “He who fears being conquered is sure of defeat.”

  What do Swiss steak and Russian dressing have in common? Both were invented in the U.S.

  IT’S A WEIRD, WEIRD WORLD

  More proof that truth really is stranger than fiction.

  FAMILY FEUD

  “Philip Buble, 44, was denied permission to bring his ‘wife’ into a main courtroom because she is a dog. Buble wanted the dog, who he calls Lady Buble, to sit with him in the courtroom while his father was being sentenced for attempted murder (the elder Buble tried to kill the younger Buble when he learned his son had married a dog). In Buble’s plea to the court, he said, ‘I’d like my significant other to attend by my side, as she was in the house during the attack, though not a witness to it, thank goodness.’”

  —FHM

  DIRTY POLITICS

  “The African country of Swaziland has been thrown into a political crisis after Mgabhi Dlamini, the speaker of parliament, stole a piece of royal cow dung out of the royal corral. Dlamini’s opponents say he wanted to use the stuff in a ritual that would improve his standing with the king. The theft was detected by witch doctors who had foreseen it in a vision. Dlamini admits to having taken a handful of dung but insists he did not intend to use it for personal profit.”

  —The London Telegraph

  GNOME, SWEET GNOME

  “In July 2001, political activists in France ‘liberated’ 105 garden gnomes and put them in the middle of a traffic circle. The gnomes were discovered after being stolen from the gardens of several homes in Chavelot during the night. Police say the French Liberation Front for Garden Gnomes is responsible.

  “The activist group—which in French is called the Front de libération des nains de jardin—has undertaken similar stunts in the past. Its stated aim is to free all garden gnomes and ‘return them to the wild.’”

  —Ananova.com

  An onion by any other name: Onions are members of the lily family.

  THEY WENT THAT-A-WAY

  So how did the Spanish master painter Francisco de Goya die? Modern analysis suggests that he literally painted himself to death.

  FRANCISCO DE GOYA (1746–1828)

  Claim to Fame: Art historians consider Goya a master painter—one of the greatest who ever lived. He became a “court” painter for Spanish royalty in 1786. But after an illness in 1792 he abandoned his conventional portrait-painting style and his work became cynical and dark; it is this later work that made him famous and inspired later painters like Edouard Manet and Pablo Picasso.

  How He Died: He was killed by his own paints.

  Postmortem: In 1792 Goya, 46, was struck by a sudden mysterious illness that manifested itself in symptoms including convulsions, paralysis of the right side of his body, poor balance, alternating giddiness and chronic depression, ringing in his ears, hallucinations, mental confusion, blindness (temporary), deafness (permanent), and impaired speech.

  He almost died. In fact, he was so incapacitated that he had to give up painting for a time. Then, after a period of convalescence, the symptoms disappeared just as mysteriously as they had appeared, and he was able to resume his work.

  Thus began a pattern that plagued Goya for the rest of his life: He would paint until he became too ill to work; then he’d rest and the symptoms would disappear. He’d start painting again, and the symptoms would return. The cycle continued for more than 30 years until 1828, when his illness is believed to have triggered the stroke that finally killed him.

  For generations, historians assumed that Goya was felled by syphilis or some similar illness, but with syphilis the symptoms don’t usually go away. In the early 1970s, a physician, Dr. William Niederland, concluded that Goya most likely died from exposure to the lead and mercury in his paints.

  Wide load: If a walrus eats enough food, it can grow wider than its own length.

  But why did he die from poisoning when so many of his contemporary artists did not? One reason is that Goya’s luminous, mother-of-pearl painting style required huge amounts of white paint, which contained lead. He also used it to prime his canvases. Not only that, Goya had to mix all of his paints himself. In those days, artists couldn’t buy their paint ready made, so Goya ground lead white and a mercury compound called cinnabar into his paints.

  And because Goya was one of the fastest of the great portrait painters, he used a lot of paint, thus inhaling as much as triple the amount of mercury and lead as his contemporaries, Niederland speculates. His contemporaries didn’t inhale enough to even become ill, but Goya inhaled enough to kill himself.

  Final Irony: The poisonous paint that killed him may also have been what turned Goya into one of the greatest painters in history. The 1792 attack was so severe that Goya never painted the same again—and it was this later painting style that made him famous. “In terms of artistic greatness,” Charles Panati writes in The Browser’s Book of Endings, “ had the painter’s career ended prior to his major 1792 ailment, it would have survived with only passing mention, the work of a gifted artist, popular in his day, who missed greatness by a wide margin.”

  RULES OF LIFE THEY DON’T TEACH IN SCHOOL (But you can learn on the Internet)

  1. Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.

  2. You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn’t move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn’t, use the tape.

  3. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

  4. If he or she says that you are too good for him or her—believe them.

  5. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.
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  6. Be really nice to your friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.

  How about you? The average American makes 3.4 trips to the grocery store each week.

  THE MAGIC SCREEN

  “As new as 1960!” That was the slogan on Uncle John’s first Etch A Sketch. It provided hours of mindless fun (just like TV), even though he couldn’t figure out how it worked (he still can’t).

  A HUMBLE BEGINNING

  In 1958 a 37-year-old Parisian garage mechanic named Arthur Granjean invented an amazing new toy. He called it L’Ecran Magique—Magic Screen.

  The Magic Screen was an unusual toy for its time—it didn’t have a lot of little pieces that could get lost and didn’t need batteries. Granjean felt sure his creation would interest someone at the International Toy Fair in Nuremberg, Germany. But everyone passed on it…until executives from a small American toy firm, the Ohio Art Company, convinced their boss to take a second look. That did it. Ohio Art bought the rights for $25,000 and renamed it Etch A Sketch. Then they advertised it on TV—just in time for the 1960 Christmas season—and sales took off. The response was so great that they kept the factory open until noon on Christmas Eve desperately trying to fill orders.

  A CLASSIC TOY

  How does Etch A Sketch work? There’s a stylus, or pointer, mounted on two rails behind the screen. Using a system of wires and pulleys connected to the knobs on front, one rail moves back and forth, and the other moves up and down. The gray stuff is powdered aluminum mixed with tiny plastic beads. The powder sticks to the glass screen because aluminum powder sticks to everything. The beads help the powder flow easily. When the stylus moves, it touches the glass and scrapes the aluminum powder off. Shake it, and the aluminum is redistributed evenly. To prevent it from breaking, a clear plastic film covers the glass.

  The basic Etch A Sketch design hasn’t changed since 1960, although variations have been introduced:

  • Pocket-sized models, travel-sized models, and glow-in-the-dark models (only the frame glows).

  • The new Zooper model makes weird noises—beeps, boops, squeaks, and squawks—as the knobs turn.

  • There’s also an Etch A Sketch “action pack,” which offers various puzzles and games printed on overlays placed on top of the screen.

  • To celebrate the toy’s 25th anniversary in 1985, Ohio Art came out with an Executive model made of silver. The drawing knobs were set with sapphires and topaz. Price: $3,750.

  Cockfighting is still legal in three states: Oklahoma, Louisiana, and New Mexico.

  ETCH A SKETCH TRIVIA

  • How many? Eight thousand Etch A Sketches are sold every day.

  • World’s largest Etch A Sketch. Steve Jacobs created it at the Black Rock Arts Festival in California in 1997. He placed 144 regulation-sized Etch A Sketches in a huge square and surrounded them with a huge red Etch A Sketch frame, including huge white knobs. It qualified for a Guinness World Record.

  • Robot Etch A Sketch. A Canadian computer programmer named Neil Fraser pulled the knobs off a standard Etch A Sketch and hooked it up to two motors that were attached to the port of his computer. The motors worked by remote control, enabling Fraser to draw pictures without ever touching the toy. Other robotic components tilt the Etch A Sketch upside down and shake it.

  • Extreme Etch A Sketch. George Vlosich was ten years old in 1989 when, on a long drive from Ohio to Washington, D.C., he brought along his Etch A Sketch. On the way home, he drew a sketch of the Capitol that was so good his parents photographed it. An artist was born. He soon began sketching portraits of his favorite sports heroes, then waited after games to get them to autograph his Etch A Sketch. The “Etch A Sketch Kid” started getting so much media attention that in 2000, Ohio Art sent someone to his home to see if he lived up to his reputation. They were so impressed by his talent that they’ve been supplying him with free Etch A Sketches ever since.

  It takes George between 40 and 60 hours to complete a single Etch A Sketch masterpiece. After it’s done, he carefully unscrews the back and removes the excess aluminum powder to preserve the picture forever. His Etch A Sketch artworks sell for up to $5,000 each.

  Cost of a ticket to a Beatles’ concert in 1966 (corrected for inflation): $31 Cost of a ticket to a U2 concert in 2001: $45–$130

  HOW TO TOILET TRAIN YOUR CAT

  This how-to article was sent to us by a reader who thought it was right up our…er…alley. We agree. Sure, the idea of toilet-training a cat is far-fetched, but who is Uncle John to say anything is impossible? We salute the author, Karawynn Long, for giving the meaning of “domesticated animal” new meaning.

  BACKGROUND

  There have been more books and articles about toilet training your cat than you’d think. In the summer of 1989, when Misha was a small kitten with big ears and enough meow for five cats, I searched out and read a half-dozen of them. And then tried it myself and discovered there were a few things they all failed to mention. Here’s what worked for me and Misha.

  The central idea is that the transition from litter box to toilet be accomplished in a series of stages. Make a small change and then give your cat time to adjust before you make another small change. If at any time Felix gives the whole thing up and pees on the rug instead, you’re pushing him too far too fast; back up a stage or two and try again, slower.

  In the following instructions, I’ve used the word “rest” to mean: do nothing for a period of between a day and a week, depending on how flappable your cat is. Misha caught on fast and was completely trained in under two weeks, far in advance of what the books led me to expect, but every cat is different.

  LID UP, SEAT DOWN

  The very most important thing to remember is: Lid Up, Seat Down. Post a note on the back of the door or the lid of the toilet if you think you or your housemates or guests might forget. (If I have a guest who leaves the lid down, Misha will usually come and ask me to fix it, but you can’t expect every cat to go to this much trouble. Besides, he’s been using the toilet for more than six years now; when the whole idea was new to him he’d just as soon pee in the bathtub instead.) And if you’re accustomed to closing the bathroom door when it’s vacant, you’ll have to break that habit too.

  Begin by moving the cat’s litter box from wherever it is to beside the toilet. Make sure he knows where it is and uses it. Rest. Next put something—a stack of newspapers, a phone book, a cardboard box—under the litter box to raise it, say, about an inch. (Magazines are too slick; you don’t want the litter box sliding around and making Felix feel insecure. Tape the litter box down if you need to.) Rest. Get another box or phone book and raise it a little higher. Rest. Continue this process until the bottom of the litter box is level with the top of the toilet seat. For Misha I raised it about two inches per day.

  IN THE CATBIRD SEAT

  At the beginning of this process, your cat could just step into the box; later he began jumping up into it, until at some point he probably started jumping up onto the toilet seat first and stepping into the box from there. You’ve been diligently keeping the lid up and the seat down, of course, so by now your cat is thoroughly familiar with tromping around on the open toilet.

  Lift the seat on your toilet and measure the inside diameter of the top of the bowl at its widest point. Venture forth and buy a metal mixing bowl of that diameter. Do not (I discovered this the hard way) substitute a plastic bowl. A plastic bowl will not support the cat’s weight and will drop into the toilet bowl, spilling litter everywhere, not to mention scaring the hell out of the cat.

  Now you move the litter box over so that it’s sitting directly over the toilet seat. If your cat has shown reluctance over previous changes, you might want to split this into two stages, moving it halfway onto the seat and then fully over. Then take away the stack of phone books or whatever. Rest.

  Here’s the cool part. Take away the litter box entirely. (Ta da!) Nestle the metal mixing bowl inside the toilet bowl and lower the se
at. Fill the bowl with about two inches of litter. And note that this is much easier if you have the tiny granules of litter that can be scooped out and flushed.

  AVOIDING CAT-ASTROPHE

  Naturally, any humans using the toilet at this point will have to remove the metal bowl prior to their own use and replace it afterward. The next week or two the whole process is likely to be something of an annoyance. But if you begin to think it’s not worth it, just remember that when you’re done, you will never have to clean a litter box again.

  Very thin, weak ice is known as “cat ice.” Why?

  Watch your cat going in the metal bowl. Count the number of feet he gets up on the toilet seat—as opposed to down in the bowl of litter. The higher the number, the luckier you are and the easier your job is going to be…

  PURR-FECT POSITION

  Because next you have to teach him proper squatting posture. Catch him beginning to use the toilet as often as possible and show him where his feet are supposed to go. Just lift them right out of the bowl and place them on the seat, positioned so kitty is facing forward. If he starts out with three or, heaven forbid, all four feet in the bowl, just get the front two feet out first. Praise him all over the place every time he completes the activity in this position.

  Misha is very doglike in that he craves approval and praise. If your cat is indifferent to this sort of thing, you can also reward him with small food treats and wean him from them later when the toilet behavior has “set.” Just keep the treats as small and infrequent as possible—half a treat per occasion should be plenty.