I Don't Belong to You

by Samantha Restrew

  Matthew and I are alone, now. I would like to tell him what I discovered, but his gaze is dull and he closed himself in a silence difficult to break.

  I move nervously through the house to clean up. I adjust the bed, sweep the floor and dust the furniture. While I’m doing all this he sits looking at me.

  It disturbs me a lot to be controlled like this, so I finally burst out: «What are you looking me like that for. Find yourself something to do. Maybe you can read a book. There are two shelves full of them.»

  He gets up and goes to the library starting to leaf through the first book, pretending to do as I said, but actually his attention is still concentrated on me.

  «Matthew, what’s the matter with you? You look so angry...» I say nervously.

  «Why are you asking me? Tonight you’ll go to dinner with Alan.»

  «And so what? What’s the problem? Since we are here, he often stopped to have lunch or breakfast with us.»

  Matthew throws the book on the bed and slowly joins me.

  «This is not the problem.» he says. «The fact is that I don’t want you to stay alone with him. You don’t know what could happen to you.»

  I laugh and my laugh has the bitter taste of this one-way love, he only feels possession and consequent jealousy for me.

  «You’re a fool. Do you really think that I’d give up to dinner with Alan because you’re asking me?»

  «It usually works like that, when two persons experience what we are experiencing.»

  «Are you talking about bed experiences? Because, if it’s not already clear to you, fucking as if there was no future doesn’t give the right to any privilege, when it’s not accompanied by feelings. And you, my dear Matthew, told me in all languages that you just consider me a plaything. So, in these terms, you haven’t got the right to tell me what I can or can’t do.»

  He tries to grab my arm.

  «Khyla, please, don’t go. I just want to protect you from people that could be dangerous. I would never forgive me, if something bad happened to you.»

  I move my arm away not to be touched, and then say: «Believe me, now it’s too late. The worst knowledge I could have done, was in jail, some months ago. No one will be able to break my heart as you did. »

  Hearing determination in my words, Matthew stops trying. He goes back to take the book and starts reading it silently, without looking at me anymore. I decide to repay him with the same coin. I refuse to have lunch with him. I open a can of tuna while continuing to clean the house compulsively. Dusting a piece of furniture, I find a DVD in a drawer. A romantic comedy of the Nineties. In the afternoon, while Matthew is pretending to sleep, I put the DVD in the reader and sit to look at the film with eyes full with tears and broken heart. Fortunately Matthew is concentrated in showing me that he’s offended, to realize that my hysterical laughter is, in fact, masked sobs.

  When the movie ends, I get ready to go to Alan.

  «Bye, Matthew. I’m going. When you’ll be hungry, remember that there’s still some soup in the fridge.»

  He doesn’t answer and, after getting well bundled, I leave home slamming the door with all my strength. Now that fresh air is coming to my face, I’m feeling better. Maybe I just need a bit of normality and I believe that Alan, with his natural cheer, is the right person to resume my lost serenity.

  FRED

  I’m looking at the Yosemite Park by the webcam and with a great joy I realize that the storm is ending over. So, finally, will be over also the media torture that is grinding my balls.

  I don’t know how, but instead of looking as the two pervert that avoided the justice to make their own pleasure, the public opinion transformed Matthew and Khyla in victims of a wrong justice system.

  Damned media... Don’t they understand that I’m the good and they’re the evil? Or, better to say, they were evil, because now it’s clear that, after all these days, they became food for wild animals.

  I’m looking forward to pull them out of their snow-tomb. As soon as we have found their bodies, Raven and I, will have just to undergo the utmost clutter of journalist. Then they will soon forget us and we can return to our old lives. That’s why I contacted the best specialized policemen. I also alerted the canine units, hoping that dogs can smell their corps immediately. The sooner we find them, the better it is.

  While on front of a mirror I’m training to show the best contrite face to communicate their untimely death, Raven touches my shoulder and tells me that voice contact it’s been restored.

  «Good» I comment satisfied. I go to the radio, put on the headphones and start to communicate.

  «Am I talking to Doctor Greenwater? Oh... Ok. I’ll call you Alan.»

  CHAPTER 43

  KHYLA

  Alan opens the door smiling. I’m smiling too, waiting for his sign to get in. Noticing that he can’t stop looking at me in adoring way, I decide to take the initiative.

  «May I come in? It’s a little bit cold.»

  «Yes. Excuse me, I was somehow distracted.»

  He moves aside so I can finally enter. Alan has already prepared the table for dinner and fueled the fire. On front of the fireplace, he put two armchairs. This way he hopes to create the conditions for a pleasant romantic after-dinner. I’m moving through the house intrigued, as if it was the first time I see it. Well, thinking better, it really is the first time I see it, considering that in the previous circumstance I had set foot in here, I was somewhat faint. I look at the furniture, the object on the shelves, the books.

  «Laura, it’s nearly ready. Are we going to take place at the table?» asks Alan arranging once more the green and white tablecloth.

  «Yes, I’m coming right away» I answer, but my mind is somewhere else. I’m holding a copy of Romeo and Juliet. I leaf through it and the more I keep on leafing, the more I’m feeling sad, because this book represent the sweet torment procured by my love for Matthew.

  With the purpose of making me laugh, Alan gives me a bottle of beer.

  «Sorry, Laura. I wish I could offer you oysters and caviar, drinking champagne. Unfortunately the situation didn’t play in my favor. Even though the storm is over, there’s still too much fresh snow to go by car to the grocery. You’ll have to be content with roast-beef and baked potatoes. And, to drink, stout beer.»

  He takes my hand leading me to the table, but I have a thought. I stop and whisper: «You know what? Dinner can wait.»

  I go to switch off the oven. I can imagine what he’s thinking about... “A woman that take the initiative... the dream of all the men.”

  Poor one! He hasn’t got the slightest idea of my real intention...

  «Come on.»

  I take his hand and lead him to the door.

  «Where are you leading me?» he asks quite confused.

  «Didn’t you promise to let me know your animals?»

  I notice that the smile disappears from his face, but just for a moment. He probably can mask his disappointment better than I thought.

  We put on jacket, scarf and cap then go out and he points the building to our right.

  «That’s where we treat wounded animals.»

  I get in and look around me in a satisfied way.

  «How many years have you been working in this clinic lost in the Sierra?» I ask.

  «About three years now. I found this job thank to Rebecca, my best friend. We studied veterinary together at college, and together we were busy with this activity.»

  «Where is she now?»

  «She’s in Madagascar since some weeks. She’s part of a naturalistic team that is dealing with a very important project.»

  «Do you miss her?»

  «Yes, a little bit. Especially at first. It isn’t easy to face up to the difficulties of this work by yourself. I lived it as if it was a sort of divorce, although between us there was nothing but friendship. Then something changed. An unexpected encounter colored my sad days.»

  He takes a step to me and seductively caresses my cheek. Looking
into my eyes he approaches slowly to lay his lips on mine. But I can’t go over. I step away with the excuse that I want to see the bear.

  Disappointed, he shows me the cage, warning me to be careful. He lists all the bad characteristics of the animal. I stand in front of the cage and the bear stays quite a few steps away from me, like if everything was normal.

  «Why do you talk so bad about it? He looks adorable...»

  «No, it isn’t at all. Perhaps it’s because of me. I’m used to deal with surly people» I laugh approaching the cage while the bear is sleepy.

  Alan gets closer at my back and embraces me putting his arms around my hips.

  «This is because you are contented with it. If you wish, you could get someone better, Khyla» he whispers in my ear.

  My body instantly stiffens in his arms.

  «How did you call me?» I ask shaking.

  «Khyla, I know everything» answers Alan. «But don’t be afraid, I don’t want to hurt you.»

  MATTHEW

  Why Khyla didn’t get back yet? Now it’s been a few hours since she went away slamming the door. It hurts me, the idea of having made her angry. I wish she was always serene, always smiling. I like her when she smiles. I more often hurt her... rarely I make her happy. I’m sorry. Khyla doesn’t deserve it. She was unfortunate knowing me, this is the truth. I’m just a bastard, someone that doesn’t know who to love, that maybe isn’t able to love anymore. Someone who used her body to feel less pain, who didn’t give a shit for the fact the she was the one who was suffering. No, it isn’t right what I did to her until now. I know this very well.

  This is why I wouldn’t be surprised if she decided to love Alan. I can’t stand him. Not because he wouldn’t deserve her, but because in my inner side I know he could be the right person for her. Always kind, handsome, a winning mix between a prince charming and a boy-scout.

  I, instead, am a fucking devil with an angel’s face, a bastard of the highest order. Not very different from Fred. Like him, I can’t keep it in the pant. When I try to read my action using the brain, I’m a loser all over the line. I did wrong with Tracy and I did wrong with Khyla. And now I don’t even know what I want.

  I feel I’m at a cross road... It seems to me that any decision I make, I’m destined to be only half happy. On one side there’s the mother of my son, the woman that I loved with innocence and serenity, on the other there’s Khyla, that welcomed me despite everything. I’m wondering why I don’t know how to choose? Why does my heart lives in perpetual doubt, in uncertainty? I try hard to take a decision, once and for all. I weigh up in any of the two parts, trying to interpret the motion of my heart, but I can’t tip the scale. Moreover, while I’m thinking about the right solution, I realize that I actually could find myself empty handed. While I’m looking forward to see Tracy and talk to her... to start again from where we were interrupted, she could have rebuilded her life without me. Instead Khyla, who demonstrated her loyalty until now, might feel fed up and go straight in Alan’s arm. No, I can’t stand this idea. She’s sending me to hell!

  I get up from bed and walk around the house as if I was a damn. Why do I concern about these problems? I have nothing to offer to neither of them. Even though I’m trying to escape, sooner or later they’ll find me and this time I’ll be rot in prison for the rest of my life.

  I have to find the way to undo the pain that is destroying me. I open the door of the wardrobe and, when I see it there, as if waiting for me, I understand that maybe it is the only one that can quench my torments.

  KHYLA

  It seems to me to be standing on an edge, again. Like the one from where we fell after the shooting. I’m looking Alan terrified. He, after calling my real name and trying to reassure me, is now silent and looking at me craving, from head to feet.

  I’m thinking about a plausible explanation to say and I remember Matthew’s words. Damn! He was right... I thought that Matthew’s judgment was biased, that the jail’s experience made him suspicious more than ever. Instead it’s me that can’t judge persons right. I hadn’t been able to understand Fred’s damn soul and I couldn’t interpret Alan’s lies. I’m a first category cretin. What am I going to do now? I would cry, but I have to be cold and distant. I try to mislead him, to make him believe that he’s wrong. I laugh, but the laughter seems fake even to me.

  «Khyla... what a name...Who is she? An ex girl friend?»

  «Today San Francisco’s police contacted me to check if I had seen in the park something related to the escape of Khyla Freemont and Matthew Ross.»

  This new make me feel a little bit better. At least, on his account, I wasn’t so wrong. Until today, he truly believed that I was Laura Scott.

  «I don’t know them...»

  «I see... you have a good nerve. Why are you keeping telling lies? Don’t do it to me... I just want your good. Your identity could remain obscure until the end of the storm, but now that the internet connection has been restored, I could see your photo. I know it’s you. What is unclear yet, is why did you make everything to save the life of the kidnapper?»

  I understand that is useless to keep going on telling lies. He wouldn’t believe me. I prefer to play the card of sincerity.

  «Alan, forgive me. I told you a lot of lies, I admit it. The fact is that Matthew and I are accomplice. He asked me to help him escape, and I agreed.»

  Alan tries to go deeper in my soul, pointing his black eyes in mine.

  «What’s wrong with you! To help a detainee to escape! Can you realize that now, if the police catch you, you too risk to go rotten in prison?»

  He grabs my shoulders and shakes me, perhaps in the attempt to make me come back to my senses.

  «The situation is much more difficult to explain of what you think. I know that Matthew was unjustly detained. I wanted to give him an opportunity to be happy.»

  He leaves me and his arms slid along his body.

  «It isn’t just this, is it Khyla? I understood there was a very strong devotion to him and yet I was under the illusion that you might have a deep, almost visceral affection for your brother... instead you’re hanging from his lips, you can’t live without him... You love him.»

  «It’s true, Matthew chained me to him. I know that he dragged me in a tunnel without end, but I could never leave him.»

  Alan thinks for a moment, then speaks with more spring in his voice.

  «You are crazy, you know? Do you want to know why I was contacted by police? Because of the storm and the believing that you were dead under the snow slide, they didn’t even try to find you. But you, in the public opinion, were the innocent victim of Ross, there has been a popular mobilization to oblige them to resume the searching. They believe that you were both frozen under the icy snow. Nevertheless they asked me about you, to give to the media the impression that they did everything they could to find you.»

  «And what did you say?»

  «That I didn’t see anything strange, but I can’t defend you indefinitely. Tomorrow they’ll be here to search in all the holiday-houses. They’ll find and arrest you both.»

  I cry, as I’m figuring out the scene. What I’m really scared for, is not the possibility to be imprisoned, but the fact that I could forever be far from Matthew. I’m ready to deal with everything but that.

  While the wolf in the cage begins to weep its sad song to the moon, causing me a shiver, Alan resumes the word.

  «Matthew is fucked, but for you there could be some hoping. Go home, prepare a case and bring the fake documents with you. I looked on the internet and I know that your friend José didn’t mentioned your fake names. I’ll lead you to Mexico and there you can start a new life.»

  «Would you risk your honor for me?» I ask full with gratitude.

  «Yes, because I really like you, Khyla.»

  He bents to kiss me even before I can step away from him. He is trying to inject in me the perception of what he’s feeling for me, his strong passion, the indefinite devotion. And I clearly under
stand everything he wishes to say and its thousand shades, but when I try to figure out my life at his side, in my mind there’s only Matthew’s image.

  «Stop it, Alan, I can’t escape with you. You’ve got your clinic, your animals to look after. You can’t leave everything because of a woman that loves someone else.»

  «Do you mean there’s no hope to turn your feelings to me?» he asks desperate.

  «No. I’m sorry.»

  I take a few steps away from him and turn to the door.

  «Khyla, please, take all the time you need to think about it. If you stay, you will be caught by the police. I just want your good.»

  «I’m sorry, but I already made it clear to you.»

  He insists: «You are mad! Anyway I’ll come to you tomorrow morning at seven o’clock and take you away with the jeep, whether you want it or not.»

  And while I’m going away, his imploring voice comes to my ears brought by the wind.

  CHAPTER 44

  KHYLA

  I’m walking in the snow as an automa. I sort of hoped. I really thought that I could stop here without worrying, waiting for Matthew’s healing. Instead we have to plan the escape ones more, without even the certainty of a happy ending.

  I’m sad because of the uncertainty of our future, but most of all, I’m sorry for Alan. If I hadn’t drink my brain and my heart because of Matthew, I could maybe give him a hope. Yes, I could try to start new life with him. Yet, I really couldn’t deceive him. I know what it means to invest feelings in others, without knowing whether they will be reciprocated. I could never have been so unfair to him. Without forgetting that, when I accepted to help Matthew, I knew the risks I was facing and I had promised to myself that I would never have left him, whatever had happened.

  I arrive in front of the house, I notice that the light is on, but looking through the window, I don’t see Matthew anywhere. I feel a blow to the heart. Could it be possible that the police decided to bring the mission forward and that they already arrested him?