I Don't Belong to You

by Samantha Restrew

  He clings to me, kisses my face enthusiastically, meanwhile using his imploring tone of voice: «Please, stay a little bit longer here with me. Excuse me if I offended you.»

  I should leave him alone to blame himself for hurting me, but I can’t. His sweet way of touching me and the caressing voice manage to seduce my anger very soon.

  «Ok, I’ll stay some more in bed with you. Other than strong! I’m as flabby as a cooked pear. But it won’t be always like that. Next time when you’ll make me angry, you won’t find me so condescending. Do remember that if you pull too much the rope breaks.»

  «You’re right. From now on I’ll try to stay on track» he answers with laughing eyes.

  «Look, I know that you’re mocking at me. You’re just a bad boy. You’d deserve a punishment. This time, you save yourself just because of the wounded leg, otherwise I could find the way to revenge.»

  He laughs and whispers to my ear: «You’re not frightening me, on the contrary. If you menace me this way again, I could decide to do something bad, just to receive your punishment.»

  To these words I start laughing. This way I can conceal my true feelings. But it’s not ephemeral joy. Every time we share these sincere moments of mutual participation, I’m a step away from pure happiness.

  CHAPTER 40

  MATTHEW

  I think I exaggerated. The desire to stay with Khyla has passed my common sense. Although I’m still convalescent, I didn’t spare myself last night. And now I’m lying with my eyes to the ceiling and shivering with cold sweat. I try to move the leg, but a slight shift is enough to provoke a painful, unbearable pain. I try to hold the cry, so from my mouth just comes out a moan.

  Khyla, that just got out of bed and is dressing up, runs to me, sweatshirt in hand. I look at her and my eyes are immediately magnetized by the black bra that hardly hides her beautiful breast. If I was feeling good, I would take advantage entering into her body again and again, but this remains an unrealistic desire: today my body is short-circuited.

  «Matthew, are you ok?»

  I nod not to worry her, but at every second the pain becomes ever stronger.

  «No, there’s something wrong. Let me have a look to the wound.»

  She removes the blankets, pulls down my trousers and takes off the gauze to check if everything is all right.

  «Thank God! From your expression, I was afraid that the surgical points were torn off. But it looks all right.»

  I know she says this to ensure me, but her words strike me more for the vibrant tone with which she pronounces them, than by their true meaning. How I wish not to care about the pain and the wound, just to let her enjoy another orgasm. Yes, I would like to listen again the echo of her sensual voice spreading all over the room, as she call my name and shouts that she wants it more and more. Instead I have to control myself, or the wound will open again.

  Khyla moves away from me for a moment and takes all the necessary to treat the wound.

  With a sterile gauze soaked with disinfectant, she touches the edges of the wound and her delicate touch makes me feel good. Suddenly the pain moves away and I resume a sweet scene of my childhood. I was six or maybe seven and I was riding my bike very fast. I didn’t notice a big pebble in front of the wheel, so I fell on the ground, grazing my knee. My mother was looking me by the window and ran to me, to rescue me and wipe my tears. She took me in her arms and, in order to stop me crying, she blew on the grazed knee.

  «That’s nothing, Matt. Now mammy is going to disinfect it and you’ll feel better soon.»

  This is not the only memory that links us. I still regain the feeling of well-being that gave me her smiles, her words. Yes, we were a special family. We loved each other with a strong and sincere feeling. Now my father is no more here and she hates me. Every day I think about George’s words. My mother, because of me, spends her time in the psychiatric clinics, and I’m just an asshole escaped prisoner that can’t do anything to relieve her pain.

  In short, I’ve always been wrong. I destroyed the happiness of those who loved me and now I could even endanger Khyla’s. She covers the wound and dresses me. She’s repaying the impetuous way with which I entered in her life, with the kindness.

  «Finished. Now try to rest a bit. You shouldn’t fatigue your leg.»

  «Come here, don’t move away.»

  She observes me inquiring and I make her sign of sitting next to me. She obeys and caresses my forehead with extreme sweetness.

  «What’s the matter, now?» she asks smiling.

  I hold her hand and stay silent for a few seconds, then take a long breath and formulate my request.

  KHYLA

  I look at Matthew while he seeks out the courage to tell me something. I don’t know what’s going on in his head. Does he want to confess his feelings for me? Just this thought and my heart begins to do somersaults in my chest. I’m trying to keep calm, but the more he stays silent, the more I convince myself that this is his intention and I feel light and happy.

  «Tell me about you.»

  What the hell is he saying? This was not what I expected. What a disappointment!

  «Why this request?» I ask astonished.

  «It’s obvious. Until now you listened to my confessions and to my troubles. I just know little about you.»

  I try to pass over the disappointment for the missing declaration and try to catch the beautifulness of what he’s asking to me. He wants to know me deeper, he wants me to be confident to him.

  He makes a big effort to pull up on his elbows and lay his head on my legs. I take advantage of this to caress his hair and he looks at me with his wonderful grey eyes.

  «There isn’t much to say. I’m a simple girl. I lived in Mariposa, between nature and animals. When I was little, my favorite hobby was go hunting worms to go fishing or climb the trees to listen to the blow of the wind between the fronds.»

  Matthew listens with his eyes closed, as if he was visualizing my story.

  «At school I wasn’t so clever, but I always succeed. I was trying to graduate while dreaming Los Angeles.»

  «Why just Los Angeles?»

  «Because I liked the idea of a multifaceted city, with so many opportunities. I thought that with a good deal of audacity and will, I could become someone. But with the job and Fred I just made a collection of failures. Maybe because I am a failure.»

  He responds frowning: «Don’t even say it joking, you’re not a failure. I’ve never met anyone so skilled as you.»

  His words are so heartening that I’m about to cry. He’s demonstrating that he really appreciates me, that he didn’t drag me in this misguided adventure just because I was the wrong person in the right moment. I’m about to bent and kiss him, when his eyes become glassy and I hear him adding to his words: «Excepting Tracy, of course.»

  I begin to shake like a leave in the wind. There it is, the big bee in his bonnet, his constant thinking.

  «Excuse me, but now I have to get up. I’ve got something to do.»

  What shall I ever do in an microscopic house immersed in the snow, it’s up to me to know. Anyway I can’t stay here with him on my legs, while he’s telling me how special is Tracy. Matthew lays down again and looks at me afflicted. Maybe he regretted, but I have no intention of forgiving him. At least not immediately. This way, perhaps, it will come to his mind, once and for all, that I don’t deserve to be treated like that.

  MATTHEW

  There’s no way to remind that I should learn from my mistakes. Although Khyla is showing me in any possible way, how important I am for her, I keep on challenging and minimizing what unites us. I always refer to Tracy even when it’s not necessary, to avoid talking too seriously, to avoid to explain something that is unclear to me as well. I think that the only clear thing is that there’s a strong feeling between us, but I can’t decide to move away, once and for all, the memory of Tracy from my heart. Every time I try to figure out a future without her, I go back to our past and I run into the realm of
memories.

  Moreover, how could I forget what happened between us? We were one body and one soul. If we were not hampered by our parents, we would now be together to grow our son. I wonder why, loving Tracy to my core, do I continue to experience attraction and desire for Khyla? No, it can’t be just forced abstinence. I was dealing with other women in the jail and, with my seducing weapons, I could win them all, if only I wanted to. The fact is that I had no intention to vent my lowest instincts. I became a kind of an ascetic, only devoted to reading and reflecting. So, the fact that meeting Khyla provoked in me the will to get myself back in the game, it means that I have read in her something deeper and more significant than the carnal passion. That’s why I think the best thing for me, would be to get better as soon as possible and then find a way to reach Tracy at Hawthorne. If I could talk to her, I think I could finally understand what I really want in my future.

  I look at Khyla and notice that she closed herself in a stubborn silence. I don’t like her being angry with me. I’m going to ask her for some water, she won’t dare let me die thirsty. At first she pretends not to hear. Then, to my second request, she pours water into a plastic cup and gives it to me, trying to escape as soon as possible. I take the cup with one hand and with the other I hold her wrist.

  «What do you want, Matthew? Let me go...»

  «No, if you’re not going to kiss me.»

  «Absolutely not. You have to wait for Tracy, if you have such strange cravings to satisfy. You are lucky because there’s the storm, otherwise I was already gone. I don’t like the way you treat me»

  I’m still holding her wrist, I put the cup on the small table and with my free hand pull her head against mine. She tries to wriggle free, but can’t do nothing versus my strong grip. I kiss her fleshy lips licking their contours. After a few seconds of struggle, I realize that she now surrenders. Just a moment of weakness is enough to find a gap in her mouth. Her resistance collapses at once and we kiss passionately for long minutes. Tasting her lips it’s enough to stop thinking about the painful past and the uncertain future. The same for Khyla. Any grudge, any doubt, any unfaithful hope in me, is now forgotten. At the end, almost breathless, she whispers: «I see that you know how to be forgiven by a woman...»

  So we go back kissing. The most important thing is that now we stay together, with our lips united and our hearts in turmoil. I keep telling me that I shouldn’t, that it isn’t right to take advantage of her love until I have everything fully cleared up, but this passion is stronger than me...

  CHAPTER 41

  MATTHEW

  With difficulty, because I hold her close to me, Khyla gets rid of my hug and goes to the bathroom. In the meanwhile I get up and quickly go to prepare breakfast. Now that my leg is better and I can stand without too much effort, I want to do something to repay Khyla in the best way I can for all the attentions she’s giving me. It’s been several days since we are locked in this hut. The storm isn’t over yet, but I have to admit that I’m not sorry at all. Khyla knows how to be a sweet and compassionate companion, a very special girl.

  As the coffee machine mumbles and the pancakes bake in the pan, Khyla comes out of the bathroom already dressed with a big smile on the lips.

  «What a delicious scent! I didn’t know you were so good at cooking.»

  «There are still a lot of things that you don’t know about me, Khyla» I whisper mischievously.

  «If you’re talking about what I think, I’m afraid there isn’t much more to discover» she answers smiling.

  While she’s sitting down, I put on the table, just under her nose, a little dish of pancakes and keep talking seductively: «Do you really think that I am so predictable? Do not provoke me, Khyla. You don’t know the risks you might take.»

  I bent and kiss her with the right mixture of passion and rash. She seems to like it and I’m already imagining the pancakes flying all over, leaving their place to us to make love more and more. But she stops me abruptly and says: «Not now! Yesterday Alan promised to come after his visiting round in the clinic. He might be here from one moment to the other...»

  Alan... Hearing the combination of these five letters is enough to feel my libido going under my feet. I can’t stand that talentless vet. Him, with his fake modesty and his “gentle mind”, is trying for days to snatch my girl-friend under my nose. And Khyla, instead of making him understand that he has no chance of winning her, always accepts his compliments and his gifts with a smile. If my situation with the law wasn’t so terribly compromised, I think that nobody could stop me from breaking him a leg or even the head.

  «Doesn’t he have something better to do than to come here breaking my balls?» I ask angrily.

  She shakes her head.

  «Every day is the same story. Alan lives alone in a clinic full of wounded animals. Can’t understand his needing to socialize with other human beings?»

  «Get it right. He just want to socialize with you. He almost doesn’t speak to me.»

  «And how can you think that he could be friendly to you, Matthew? You always pretend that he didn’t exist. When he tries to talk to you, you roar versus him!»

  I start to yell as a possessed, saying that she is mushy to Alan because she just wants to go in bed with him. Khyla bents her head without answering. She suffers all my anger and the bad words I’m telling her without reacting, as if she was really guilty. But, after giving vent to my anger, she looks at me and I can see that her beautiful smile vanished and it hurts my heart to see that is that because of my fault. I’m victim of an inexplicable jealousy... My life and my love are hanging from the hands of Tracy. Then why the hell am I so jealous about Khyla?

  «Did you finish?» she asks with hard voice. I don’t answer.

  «Good. Because I’ve got something else to do than listening to your bullshit. I’m going to get some wood.»

  As soon as she gets out, I punch the table with all my strength. Damn! I’m wondering why the idea of Khyla being unfaithful to me with that fool, makes me feel pain as if someone just grubbed up a vital organ from me.

  When I hear someone knocking at the door, I start. I go to open and see Alan greeting me cordially.

  «Hello John, how are you today? I could say well, by the nimbly way you move through the room.»

  I can’t help but throwing at him a glacial look.

  «I know that you’re not here for me. Laura is in the woodshed. She went to get some more wood because we almost burnt it all.»

  «Is it ok for you if I’ll go to help ...»

  Before he can finish the phrase, I close the door on his face. I just can’t stand him...

  CHAPTER 42

  KHYLA

  «Hello, how are you?» asks Alan with high-pitched voice. At the sound of his voice I pull down the big plastic length of cloth.

  «It’s all... right... John is really better. The surgical points you’ve stitched on, have already been absorbed. There is just one to be removed. Can you give it a look?»

  «Look, you know that there’s no problem to me. But I think your brother can’t even been touched without sedation. And I didn’t bring it today.» he says giggling.

  I barely smile and go toward the wood stack with a jute bag that I begin to fill. He approaches proposing to help.

  «No, thank you. I can do it by myself.»

  Alan raises the sack, saying: «Maybe you didn’t understand. I have to help you. I had John’s permission to reach you here in the woodshed just because of this. If I enter the house without the wood, he could shoot me down.»

  «Very well, then» I respond, amused by his worried tone. «But, if that of helping me is just an excuse you invented, I would like to know the real reason you are here for.»

  «Well, to say the truth, the real reason is that...» he says hesitant, «...I wish you had dinner with me tonight.» he says in just one breath. «The storm is over and I would like to show you the clinic.»

  I stay astonished for a few seconds, then start to keep
thoughts moving in my brain. Should I accept or not, his invitation? I have to decide quickly, considering the sudden blush of his face. If I offend him, I would never forgive myself. On one hand I know it’s a risk. Even though I deny the evidence when I talk to Matthew, it’s obvious that Alan likes me. If I gave him the opportunity to show me his feelings, I might not be able to handle his reaction as a result of my rejection. On the other hand it picks at me the idea of provoking Matthew. At this point, I need to know. Perhaps, taking not for granted my feelings, I will understand once and for all what he’s feeling for me.

  «Ok, I’ll come.»

  He looks at me full of joy and wonder.

  «I’ll see you tonight, then. Is it ok at seven?»

  «Yes, that’s perfect.»

  Alan puts on his shoulder the sack of wood. As soon as he gets out of the woodshed, I raise the length of cloth and control once more. I could have expected anything but this. It’s good for us. It could be useful now that the storm is over.

  I open wide the door and while I’m getting in, Alan repeats our date. I smile, but can’t help but look at Matthew, so I can suddenly perceive an unexpected tension. He and Alan are looking at each other very badly. I don’t understand why Matthew keeps on hating Alan so much. He really looks like a possessive brother. And he doesn’t have any reason to be like that. I know that Alan feels a strong simpathy for me, but he shows it very kindly and with a sweet smile. I admit that I like to spend some time with him, he is really handsome and reassurant. But Matthew should know that I only have eyes for him. If Alan is fresh water on my wounds, Matthew is the fire that burns and blows inside me. If Alan is the dawn that lighten the eyes and the heart with gentle tones, Matthew is the darkness of the night in which I would like to drown. Can’t he understand how much I love him? Can’t he distinguish between the friendship I feel for Alan from the erupting passion that he provokes in me?